Old Age Woes – Will You Have to Depend on the Kindness of Strangers...?

This evening – while on my evening walk – I remembered this story I had written almost 7 years ago in January 2012. 

Sadly – the protagonist of this story – Mrs. J – she passed away a few years ago. 

OLD AGE WOES
Do You Depend on the Kindness of Strangers...?
Musings of a Veteran 

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

Pune (Circa 2012) 

Sometime ago – during my early morning walk – I passed by Mrs. J’s house. 

I saw J – an 84 year old widow – struggling to walk in her garden. 

I wished J good morning – and I asked her how she was. 

She answered: 

“I depend on the kindness of strangers.”

For a moment – I was speechless. 

Then – slowly – I let her words sink in – and perambulate in my mind – “I depend on the kindness of strangers” – and – these words struck a chord. 

I was transported back in time – more than 37 years ago – to the year 1981 – if my memory serves me right – when I had seen the play called A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE which had a lasting impression on me. 

I witnessed a performance of the indigenous Indian Production of this 1948 Pulitzer Prize winning masterpiece by Tennessee Williams at the Kamani Auditorium in New Delhi directed by Alyque Padamsee with terrific performances by Dalip Tahil as Stanley Kowalski and Sabira Merchant as Blanche DuBois. 

I still remember the heart-rending scene – when – after being totally destroyed by Stanley, while being taken away to a mental asylum, a shattered Blanche holds onto the doctor’s hand and says: 

“Whoever you are – I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”.

Though the context in the play is different – I realized the universal all-encompassing truth encapsulated in those profound words – which were spontaneously uttered by the old lady J – who I am sure has not read or seen the play “A Streetcar Named Desire”.

As I observe in Pune – I realize that there are so many senior citizens living alone – so many old people who “depend on the kindness of strangers” – especially in the middle-class. 

In most cases – their children live abroad in the USA pursuing their American Dream – while their parents live a life of loneliness awaiting their deaths back home in India. 

Also – I notice that the longevity of women seems to be more then men – since there are far more senior citizen widows who heavily outnumber the widowers.

Before you blame the “ungrateful and selfish children” for “abandoning” their “hapless” parents – I think you must consider the fact that there are always two sides to a coin (or two “points of view” in every story).

MIDDLE CLASS DREAMS

Let me give you a bit of a background.

In the 1960’s and 1970’s – I lived in a “middle-class” locality in Pune – where parents had two dreams:

1. First – their son must get into an IIT and go abroad to USA to realize the American dream and achieve “success”.

2. Second – they must get their daughters married to a “successful” American NRI so that she too could go the USA to live a life of prosperity and happiness there.

Many such parents – like the old lady J – achieved their dreams.

And – they are paying the price today.

Even today – I see so many parents who are desperate to send their kids abroad for higher studies and to settle down there. 

In the earlier “pre-globalization pre-liberalization” days prior to 1991 – it was difficult to go to America unless you graduated from an IIT or topped from a premier University. 

Today – it is much easier to go abroad for studies or for work. 

Post liberalization – in the globalized world of today – if you are willing to spend your money – you can easily go for higher studies abroad – or you can go there via the “IT Route” – by first going abroad to work onsite – and then sidestepping into a job over there in America.

This is the main reason why there is a beeline for jobs in the IT/ITES industry – it is the easiest way to migrate overseas.

Then or now – the fact of the matter is that it is the parents themselves who encourage and monetarily facilitate their children to go abroad.

Parents inculcate ambitious values that create in the minds of their children the urge to migrate to America or some other prosperous country for a “better life”.

So who is to blame – the parents or the children?

I ask the old lady “J” : 

“Why don’t you go and live with your son or daughter in America...? Have they refused to take you there...? Are your children unwilling to have you live with them...?”

“No – not at all. Far from it...” the old lady says, “my children want me to live with them over there and keep calling me to relocate permanently to America and stay with them in the US. I have gone there so many times – but I don’t want to live there with them in America. I don’t like it over there.”

I am puzzled. 

It seems very strange. 

Why should the old lady prefer to live a difficult lonely life out here in India – full of hardship – when she can live a comfortable life of luxury in America with the best of facilities and healthcare – and in the company of her children and grandchildren...?

Why do so many senior citizens prefer to live alone in India and depend on “the kindness of strangers” – when they can enjoy the evening of their lives by migrating abroad to live with their NRI children and exulting in the love and care of their near and dear ones...?

Is it ego? 

Is it something else? 

Is there some other reason?

I don’t know. 

I don’t have the answer. 

Do you?

If you do have the answer – or wish to share your views on this subject, please comment and let us know.

And – you better start thinking – about the evening of your life – when you become 70 or 80. 

In Old Age – you have to decide from these 3 Choices:

1. Do you want to live with your children...?

2. Do you want to live alone...? 

3. Do you want to live in an old age home (retirement community) which has assisted living facilities and where you will be well cared for and looked after...?

Remember – if you choose the second or third choice above – you will be dependent on the kindness of strangers.

Think about it.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This article is just “food for thought”, my musings, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt.

2. While planning your old age – please do your own due diligence. 

3. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

Humor in Uniform – OLQ versus LLQ – OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES versus LADY LIKE QUALITIES

HUMOUR IN AND OUT OF UNIFORM

OLQ (OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES) versus LLQ (LADY LIKE QUALITIES)

LLQ – LADY LIKE QUALITIES

Delightful Memories of My Navy Life

By

VIKRAM KARVE

“Can you carry a small packet and deliver it to my wife?” the officer asked me.

“Sure Sir,” I said.

“Thanks. Just some Ayurvedic Medicines, that’s all. I’ll come on board your ship tomorrow and give it to you,” he said.

“Sure Sir, no hurry, we are leaving day after tomorrow morning,” I said.

The officer was a friend of my ex-shipmate who had been posted to Cochin a few months ago and with whom I was having a drink in the Navy Club at Cochin (now Kochi).

The officer had joined us for a drink, my ex-shipmate had introduced me, and when the officer came to know that my ship was going to Bombay (now Mumbai) he requested to me to carry a packet and deliver it to his wife in Bombay.

Since my ex-shipmate was calling him “Sir” – I too addressed him as “Sir” – and when he came on board the next day, I noticed that though he wore two stripes of a Lieutenant like me, he had the green 9 year long service ribbon.

(Those days it took 3 years to become a Lieutenant, and then one remained a Lieutenant for 8 long years, so there were “junior” Lieutenants like me and “senior” Lieutenants like him).

Next afternoon just before lunchtime, the officer came to my cabin onboard my ship and gave me the packet.

He also gave me a slip of paper on which was written his home address in NOFRA.

“I am stuck here in Cochin for the next 3 months doing a bloody course,” he complained, sipping his beer.

“Cochin is a lovely place,” I said.

“I know – but my wife is in Bombay – and, as they say, there is no life without wife,” he remarked.

“Sir, we are stopping over for two days at Goa and we plan to reach Bombay by Friday, so I will deliver your packet on Saturday or Sunday,” I said.

“No problem – I have already posted a letter to my wife in the morning about the packet,” he said.

(35 years ago, when this happened, writing letters was the common mode of communication, because junior officers did not have landline phones at home so a “trunk call” was inconvenient, telegrams were for emergencies and mobile phones had not yet been invented)

On Saturday evening I rang the bell of a flat on the 6^th floor of a high-rise building that housed Married Accommodation for Lieutenants.

A beautiful young lady opened the door.

I introduced myself.

“Yes, yes, do come in,” she said in a mellifluous voice, “I got my husband’s letter two days ago – I have been expecting you today.”

“Sorry Ma’am, I couldn’t come in the morning…” I said, and handed her the packet her husband had sent from Cochin.

“Oh, come on – it was so nice of you to get the packet – do sit down – I will get you something to drink – what will you have?”

“Just a glass of water…” I said, and I sat down on the sofa.

I looked at the lady as she opened the fridge, took out a bottle of water, poured some in a glass, and brought the glass in a tray towards me.

I was impressed by the way she carried herself – she had so much élan, grace and poise.

She excused herself, went into the kitchen and then she came out and asked me: “Come on – have a drink – the bar is over there – and then we will have dinner – you like chicken, don’t you – or are you a vegetarian?”

“Ma’am – please don’t take the trouble…”

“What trouble? There’s no trouble at all – my maid will do the cooking while we talk – in fact it is you who have taken the trouble to deliver the packet and the least I can do is to offer you a meal,” she said.

I felt uncomfortable having a hard drink alone in her company, so I asked for a soft drink, and she had one too.

I think she realized that I was feeling a bit awkward, so she tried to put me at ease – we talked, we had dinner – the evening passed in a haze of delight.

As I rode my scooter back to ship I thought about her – she was a perfect navy wife – her social graces, her etiquette, her polish, her refinement, her poise – well, it is difficult for me to describe everything about her in words, so I will just say that she had all the “Lady Like Qualities”.

A few months later I ran into her in the US Club Library.

“Good evening, Ma’am,” I wished her.

“Oh, hello – how are you?” she said politely.

Suddenly, her husband came in.

He looked at me, recognized me, and smiled, “Hi.”

“Hello, Sir – welcome back to Bombay,” I said.

“Come – why don’t you join us for a drink – let’s go to the bar,” he said.

“Sure Sir,” I said.

While we walked down to the bar, I noticed that the lady was giving me a rather curious look.

I smiled at her.

“Why are you calling my husband, “Sir”? You are senior to him, aren’t you?” she asked me.

“No Ma’am – your husband is senior,” I said.

“You look so old, that when you came home the other day, I thought you were senior to my husband,” she said.

I did not know what to say.

I certainly did not look that “old” as if I were an elderly senior citizen.

But with my copious beard, bulky body size and rather podgy physique, I certainly looked older than my age.

So I said, “ Yes, Ma’am – you are right – I do look a bit older than my age and many persons do think that I am more senior than I actually am – in fact, once a senior Lieutenant once mistook me for a Lieutenant Commander and was surprised when he saw me in uniform next morning.”

“Oh – all that doesn’t matter,” remarked her husband, the senior Lieutenant.

But as far as she was concerned, it was obvious that it did matter.

The moment she realized that I was junior to her husband, her demeanor towards me changed drastically as compared to the courteous obsequiousness on the day I had visited her home when she thought that I was senior to her husband.

But now, she behaved so cold towards me – the disdain with which she ignored my presence – her scornful vibes – all this made me feel uncomfortable and I excused myself from their company after a drink, saying that I had to go somewhere.

On my way back I had a big laugh – it was evident that her “Lady Like Qualities” – her LLQ – was quite selective.

Yes, her LLQ was indeed quite selective.

The Meaning of LADY LIKE QUALITIES (LLQ)

THE NAVY WIFE (applicable to all MILITARY WIVES as well)

Here is quote from a NWWA (Navy Wives Welfare Association) booklet which encapsulates some prudent advice for Navy Wives:

“You don't wear his (husband’s) stripes ... there is no such thing as a ‘Senior Wife’. There are Senior Officers. They have wives. There are Junior Officers and some of them have wives. All wives are ladies ... You will not fawn over others and not expect others to fawn over you. You will be yourself. And your own manners, breeding and natural charm will shine through leaving you with no need for any borrowed stripes or other borrowed plumage”

I have seen many such elegant navy wives who were perfect ladies – military wives who had excellent LADY LIKE QUALITIES or LLQ

Do tell us if you have seen military wives with perfect LLQ?

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This blog post is a is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

THE NAVY PETTY OFFICER

THE NAVY PETTY OFFICER

There was a time when Petty Officers were the backbone of the Navy.

Now, with all those “cadre reviews” and accelerated promotions resulting in a proliferation of Petty Officers in the Indian Navy, the significance of the “Petty Officer” rank has probably been diluted so much that now Chief Petty Officers, Master Chief Petty Officers or even Junior Officers are doing what Petty Officers are supposed to do.

Here is something I came across while surfing the internet on “What Makes a Good Petty Officer”.

WHAT MAKES A GOOD PETTY OFFICER

(A Quote by Admiral Arleigh A. Burke USN)

“Good Petty Officers know what their uniform, their Navy, and their flag stands for.

They are proud members of the best fighting organization in the world.

Good Petty Officers are concerned with their Sailors’ individual welfare and their future.

They pat their Sailors on the back when they do well, and give them hell when they need it.

That way they make better Sailors and make progress.

They teach their trade.

They encourage.

They inspire.

They are consistent.

They are competitive.

Their outfit is the best.

They assume responsibility.

They give their Sailors responsibility.

They pass the word.

They create team spirit.

Good Petty Officers put their hearts and souls into their work.

They radiate enthusiasm and spark.

They know the Navy.

They know their rates, and they genuinely appreciate what they know.

Good Petty Officers recognize that success comes from the effort of a larger number of people, not just one or two.

The whole organization has to function well, not just a few members.”

~ Admiral Arleigh A. Burke USN

OLD AGE WOES - LONELY WIDOWS OF PUNE

OLD AGE WOES

LONELY WIDOWS OF PUNE

Rumination

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Last week we decided to visit our senior citizen relatives and acquaintances above the age of 75 to personally deliver an invitation (though officially you are a “senior citizen” when you become 60 we consider only those above 75 as truly deserving of the epithet “senior citizen”).

We visited around 30 homes of senior citizens above 75 and this is what we observed.

There was only one surviving couple and only one widower – the rest were all widows (yes, 28 out of the 30 were widows).

Of course, we know that women have better longevity and outlive men, but the proportion was surprising.

From our sample, it appears that more than 90 % of senior citizens above the age of 75 are women.

At first, we were quite bewildered that almost all persons above the age of 75 are women, but when we looked around a bit more, in our colony and in a few more neighbourhoods in Pune and, to our surprise, we found that this is quite universally true. Widows greatly outnumber widowers. Yes, there are many more widows than widowers, at least in Pune.

Now to come back to our main story, we found that only 3 out of the 30 were living with their children – 1 widower and 2 widows. The remaining were living a forlorn and lonely life, all by themselves, all alone.

This means that 90 % of senior citizens above 75 are widows and of these over 90 % of these aged widows live by themselves, all alone.

Quite baffling statistics.

Dear Reader, is it the same in your city or is it different?

Lest you think that all these hapless widows have been “abandoned” by their children, let me assure you that it is not so.

In almost all cases the children had migrated abroad (mostly to the USA) and the children were well settled and financially well-to-do.

The children were quite willing to look after their parents and in fact almost all widows had green cards or visas and used to visit their children quite often.

But despite their lonely existence and failing health, these senior citizen widows were unwilling to migrate abroad and live with their children.

Now this really surprised me.

Yes, these elderly widows were quite well-off and lived in decent homes (some even had quite luxurious bungalows and apartments all to themselves).

Only one widow lived in a senior citizens’ “retirement community” (a glorified euphemism for an “old age home” albeit a luxurious one).

When we asked the forlorn aged widows why they did not settle abroad with their kids, they did not give a specific answer but gave ambiguous replies like “I don’t like it there” or “I prefer my independence” or “I find it very lonely over there”.

Now, this last answer befuddled us – how can an elderly aging widow be more lonely over there in America living with her children and grandchildren when over here in India she has to live a lonely life, absolutely alone, all by herself?

Well I don’t know the answer, so if you do know why, please tell us.

Do comment and let us know whether you have observed a similar trend where you live or is it different?

And do tell us your views especially if you live in America or abroad and have your aged parents living alone in India and face a similar situation.

I thought senior citizens would prefer to live in America with their children, enjoying all the excellent facilities and comfortable lifestyle available in the USA, rather than live a lonely life in India, which not quite a friendly, easy and safe place for solitary senior citizens.

Well you, dear reader, please tell us the answers to all that.

But one thing is sure – it looks as if we too are going to be in the same boat when our time comes.

That’s why I have already started searching for a good “retirement home” – can you help me find a good one – a “senior citizens housing community” and “old age home” – call it what you like – if you know a good one, do let us know.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 2012

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

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About Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer. Educated at IIT Delhi, ITBHU Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories, creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional research papers in journals and edited in-house journals for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing. Vikram lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.

Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
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Email: vikramkarve@sify.com      

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