Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve

Monday, June 17, 2013

ACR DINNER - HUMOR IN UNIFORM

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

ACR DINNER
A Yarn

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this only if you have a sense of humour. This is a spoof. So first convince yourself that you have a sense of humour and only then read the yarn and have a laugh. No offense is meant to anybody.

2. This story is a yarn and is a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

This happened sometime in the 1980’s when I was IAT.

I happened to walk into the office of one of my Pongo colleagues for some work.

You know what the term “Pongo” means, don’t you?

If you have served in the Army Navy or Air Force I am sure you know.

“Pongo” is naval slang for Armymen.

There are many apocryphal stories on the origins of the term “Pongo”.

Here is one such yarn that I heard long back from an old sea dog.

He told me that the term “Pongo” originated in the Royal Navy to denote an infantryman.

As per a myth, the “Pongo” was a unique ape.

When he sensed danger or felt scared the Pongo did not climb trees like most apes normally do.

But the Pongo would dig holes in the earth and hide himself in the ground in the same way as infantrymen dug in and entrenched themselves in the ground when they were under attack in battle.

Another similar yarn says that “Pongo” is derived from the archaic name for the orangutan, which had the habit of digging holes in the ground for no apparent reason and then filling them back.

The sailors probably observed armymen digging away and hence the nickname.

Well, all such apocryphal stories are to be taken with a pinch of salt and no offense is meant.

If you know some other reason for the origins of the military slang “Pongo” do comment and educate us.

Now, to continue with my story, as I said, I happened to walk into the office of one of my Pongo colleagues for some work.

I saw a total of six Pongos, including my colleague, sitting around the table.

They were engaged in an animated discussion.

So I excused myself and told my army colleague that I would come later.

“No, No, please come in,” my friend said, “in fact you can help us solve our problem.”

“Problem?” I asked.

“Yes, its about the ACR dinner,” he said.

(ACR is an acronym for the all important ANNUAL CONFIDENTIAL REPORT)

“ACR Dinner?” I asked perplexed.

“You don’t have this in the Navy?” they all asked.

“Well, at least I have not heard of it,” I said.

“Our ACRs are due to be written in a month,” my army colleague said, “and all of us are expected to invite our boss and his wife for dinner – and of course all the other army officers and lady wives are invited.”

“Are you telling me that your performance appraisal will be done based on a dinner?” I asked, genuinely baffled.

“Well, I really don’t know, but then these are the hazards of peacetime soldiering,” commented my friend, who was a battle-hardened officer, looking at me wistfully.

“Anyway, what do you want me to do?” I asked.

“Pick lots,” they all said.

“Pick lots?” I asked, totally at a loss.

“Yes,” my friend explained, “we have to decide the sequence of the ACR dinners. You know about the halo effect, don’t you? There is a big advantage in hosting the dinner last, just before the ACR date.”

“Sometimes it is good to host the first dinner too – the first dinner sets the standard, and is also remembered,” said another Pongo sitting in the room.

So I did the honours and picked the chits and the ACR dinner dates were decided.

Of course, for doing the honours, we, my wife and I, were invited to all the Pongo ACR dinners.

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this book review.

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

NB:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Did you like this yarn?

I am sure you will like the 27 short stories from my recently published anthology of Short Fiction COCKTAIL
To order your COCKTAIL please click any of the links below:
http://www.flipkart.com/cocktail-vikram-karve-short-stories-book-8191091844?affid=nme
http://www.indiaplaza.in/cocktail-vikram-karve/books/9788191091847.htm
http://www.apkpublishers.com/books/short-stories/cocktail-by-vikram-karve.html

COCKTAIL ebook

If you prefer reading ebooks on Kindle or your ebook reader, please order Cocktail E-book by clicking the links below:
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87925

Foodie Book: Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
http://www.flipkart.com/appetite-stroll-vikram-karve/8190690094-gw23f9mr2o

About Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.

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Twitter: @vikramkarve

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES - Ready Reckoner

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES

Ready Reckoner

VIKRAM KARVE

Nowadays, when marriages may not be forever, and in many cases marriage quite a short term affair, it has become a fashion to celebrate your wedding anniversary every year.

Earlier, when marriages were forever, married couples celebrated their silver wedding anniversary after 25 years of wedded bliss.

This morning while cleaning my bookcase I came across a book:

THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE by Lady Troubridge (first published in 1926)

As specified in this book, as per prescribed etiquette, here is the list of wedding anniversaries you must celebrate:

The PAPER Wedding Anniversary – First Year (1 year of married life)

WOODEN – Fifth Year (5)

TIN – Tenth Year (10)

LEATHER – Twelfth Year (12)

CRYSTAL – Fifteenth Year (15)

CHINA – Twentieth Year (20)

SILVER – Twenty-Fifth Year (25)

IVORY – Thirtieth Year (30)

WOOLLEN – Fortieth Year (40)

SILK – Forty-Fifth Year (45)

GOLDEN – Fiftieth Year (50)

The DIAMOND Wedding Anniversary – Seventy-Fifth Year (75 years of Married Life)

Well we (my wife and I) have celebrated our 30^th (IVORY) Wedding Anniversary last year and our 31st marriage anniversary this year.

How about you?

Wish you a “Much Married” life.

DEATH OF A PUNTER

DEATH OF A PUNTER

Fiction Short Story

VIKRAM KARVE

From my Creative Writing Archives:

Here is one of my recent pieces of creative writing -- a fiction short story I wrote sometime in the year 2011, on a day the stock market was fluctuating wildly.

Do tell me if you liked the story.

He was not a Bull.

He was not a Bear.

He was a Punter.

Yes, that’s we nicknamed him: “Punter”.

He did not bother about gobbledygook like fundamentals or technicals.

He did not have an inkling of financial algorithms and risk heuristics and never “analyzed” – he just speculated by sheer gut feeling.

He instinctively knew how to time the market.

That’s why he always made money, whether the stock market boomed or crashed.

He had made so much money that he could have retired and enjoyed a luxurious lifestyle, but then, he had got addicted to making money by playing the stock market.

Yes, he got a kick out of “making” money rather than “enjoying” his money.

So despite his advancing years he kept on playing the market with more and more vigor and continued to make more and more money.

Earlier he would spend his entire time in the ring at the Stock Exchange on Dalal Street.

Now he would sit all day, all stressed up, in his room, glued to his TV, flipping all the financial channels, his fingers on his laptop for instant online trading via the internet.

He had no interests, no hobbies, no pleasures, no loves – he just enjoyed one thing – playing the stock market and making money.

One day his lifestyle took its toll and he had a heart attack.

They rushed him to the best hospital in Mumbai and they all said he would require a bypass surgery.

So they admitted him to the best room in the hospital.

Instead of relaxing there, he sat whole day watching the stock-market channels on the wall-mounted TV, doing feverish online trading on his laptop and he continued making a lot a money and he was very happy.

But the doctors were not happy and said that all this share-market business was causing him a lot of excitement which was not good for his already erratic heart, so one morning they suddenly removed the TV and the laptop and even banned all visitors except me and his son, who was a successful investment banker.

“Total rest,” the doctors warned all of us, “he needs total rest, both mental and physical, and only then will he be able to stabilize and be ready for the surgery.”

It was the first time he had to suffer a day of total rest isolated from the outside world and it was the worst day of his life.

The entire morning he kept asking about stock prices and asked me for my cell-phone to connect up and find out, but I refused since we were told to strictly isolate him from that world.

I could realize that he was passing though hell, unimaginable mental agony at not getting information about the very thing that had been his bread and butter, even the raison d'etre of his existence.

After lunch he dozed off, and then he suddenly he woke up and asked me, “What is the time?”

“2:30,” I said.

“Good. There is still time. I want to speak to my son.”

“He is coming at 4...”

“No. I want to speak to him now. It is urgent.”

“He’ll be busy now, in his office…”

“I told you it is urgent. Just get him on the phone…” he said excitedly, his breathing getting heavy.

“Okay. Okay. Calm down,” I said.

I dialled his son’s mobile number.

When the son picked up the phone, I asked him to speak to his father.

“Sell all shares,” the man shouted at his son via the mobile phone.

“What?” I could hear his son’s surprised voice.

“Don’t ask any questions. Just do what I say. Sell all my shares, understand, all my shares, everything. Do it now. Today. Before the closing bell. Sell everything online. Right now. You know the user id and password of my account, don't you...”

“Okay, Papa,” I could hear his son’s voice before he disconnected.

He kept on pestering me to ring up his son and confirm that his son had done what he told him.

So I rang up his son half an hour later.

“Yes, Papa, I have sold all the shares in online trading,” the son confirmed.

The old man seemed tremendously relieved and went to sleep peacefully.

That night, at home, sitting before my TV set, I watched with concern as all the share-market experts on the financial channels predicted that the market was very solid and bullish.

They all recommended that everyone buy shares as the market was going to go up and up.

“Invest ... Invest ... Invest ... Buy ... Buy ... Buy ...” all the experts said in unison.

All the experts predicted that though the market was at an all time high, things were looking so good that it was going to rise phenomenally and your investment would probably double in a few months.

They kept quoting analysis in jargon I never understood to substantiate their predictions.

Next morning exactly the opposite happened.

The stock-market crashed.

It was the biggest fall ever in the history of the share-market.

Most investors were wiped out.

Everyone incurred huge losses.

Yes, everyone was wiped out, except the old man and me.

Did I say: “The old man and me?”

Yes, Dear Reader, I did say “The old man and me ...!”

You’re surprised, aren’t you?

Let me tell you what I did.

The moment the Punter had finished speaking to his son, I went outside the room and I called up my broker and told him to immediately sell off all my shares.

The Punter had made a huge profit and, as always, along with him, I too had made a small fortune.

As always, I had blindly followed the Punter and, as always, I had profited by blindly imitating whatever he did in the stock market.

The moment he heard the news (from a careless nurse who told the old man that the hospital was abuzz with news of the stock-market crash) the Punter got so excited that he almost went crazy with excitement and happiness.

The frenzy of ecstasy caused his blood pressure to go haywire, his heartbeats ran amok.

And suddenly, he collapsed and died.

I gave a condolence speech at the old man’s funeral in which I praised him profusely.

I told everyone how I had made a fortune in the stock-market by just following him blindly.

Later, the old man’s son took me aside and asked me, “Did you really sell all your shares?”

“Yes,” I said, “I had blind faith in your father.”

“I wish I had blind faith in his mysterious ways. But I am an investment banker. I don’t go by sheer gut instinct, like my father did. I analyze things. I never imagined the stock market would crash so badly. In fact I thought the market would go up and it would be foolish to sell such excellent blue chip shares. So, I never sold those shares. I am big fool. Had I listened to him and sold all the shares I would have made a big fortune. But I did not sell those shares,” said the young man, with a tone of regret in his voice.

“You never sold the shares?”

“No.”

“Then why did you lie to him?”

“Because I wanted him to die happy. I lied to my father because I wanted my father to die a happy death.”

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this book review.

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

NB:

Did you like this story?

COCKTAIL ebook

Twitter: @vikramkarve

MONSOON COCKTAILS - Hot Drinks to Warm Your Spirits on a Cold Damp Windy Rainy Day

MONSOON COCKTAILS

Two Hot Cocktails to Warm Your Spirits on a Cold Damp Windy Rainy Day

VIKRAM KARVE

Monsoon Rains have arrived in Pune.

It is raining incessantly all day – windy, damp, cold, squalls of rain drench me from the insides as I stand in my balcony in Wakad enjoying the awesome view of the Misty Mula Valley, surrounded by the instantly Green Hills, and the silhouette of the mighty Sinhagad Fort barely visible in the distance.

In order to enhance the experience of such moments you desperately need something to warm your insides.

A cup of tea?

Let us fortify your tea with something stronger.

Here are two recipes for Tea Based Hot Cocktails from my Foodie Archives

Take your pick …

WHISKY TEA TODDY

Here is one of my favourite “Hot Cocktails” – a rousing Whisky Tea Toddy – just the right thing to fire you up inside out on the dampest of days and coldest of nights – a recipe breathtaking in its simplicity.

By the way, I am sure you know there are five ways of making a cocktail:

1. Layering

2. Building

3. Blending

4. Shaking

5. Stirring

Here we will “build” our Whisky Tea Toddy, which means that we will pour the ingredients directly in a large mug (or a glass tumbler), one by one, strictly in the order given in the recipe below.

Brew one cup of steaming hot tea.

It is best to have orange pekoe tea leaves steeped for 5 minutes if you prefer the flavour and aroma.

Or you can use your usual “boiled” CTC tea if you want it strong and rejuvenating.

Strain and keep the tea brew piping hot on the stove or in a vacuum flask.

Now let us “Build” our Whisky Toddy Cocktail.

1. First, pour a generous spoon of Honey into a glass (or mug). Let the honey settle at the bottom of the glass.

2. Add a large peg of Whisky.

3. Optional Ingredient (Lemon Juice)

The person who taught me this recipe liked to squeeze in a wee bit of lemon juice, but I prefer it without the lemon juice – you can experiment and see for yourself, but if you do add just a very few drops.

Remember, just add the drops of lemon juice.

Do Not Stir at this stage and ruin the Cocktail.

4. Pour in the steaming hot brewed Tea

Now that you have “built up” your Cocktail you can give it a light stir to enable all the ingredients to mix.

Now cuddle up on your warm sofa and sip the invigorating Tea Toddy.

Close your eyes, focus on your insides as the hot whisky toddy goes down inside you and experience how it warms you inside out.

If you prefer, try a large peg of Brandy instead of Whisky, but do not substitute Rum in lieu of the Whisky.

Rum Toddy is made differently – this cocktail is “blended” (and not “built”) and you will really have to “spice it up”.

I am giving below the recipe for Rum Toddy.

RUM TODDY - A ZESTY HOT COCKTAIL

(A Spicy Cocktail with Tea, Rum and Brandy)

1. Brew one cup of steaming hot tea (orange pekoe steeped for 5 minutes if you prefer the flavour and aroma or your usual “boiled” CTC tea if you want it strong and rejuvenating).

2. Strain the tea in another vessel and keep this tea brew simmering on a slow flame.

3. Add a few cloves (lavang), a pinch of nutmeg (Jaiphal) powder, a small stick of cinnamon (dalchini), close the lid and simmer for some time.

4. Blend in a teaspoon of honey.

5. Pour in One Large Peg of Rum and blend in.

6. Pour in One Large Peg of Brandy and blend in.

7. The moment the concoction boils, strain and pour into a glass tumbler.

This steaming hot spicy rum cocktail is guaranteed to warm your insides and drive away the chill on a cold, damp, wet, rainy day.

Hey, what are you waiting for?

Just rush to your Kitchen (or Bar) and quickly make your Hot Cocktail and put it “Down the Hatch”

I guarantee it will enliven your spirits on the dampest, wettest and coldest of monsoon days.

Do tell us which of these two cocktails you liked more.

Cheers.

Top Up and Dance in the Rain and enjoy the Monsoon Season.

Disclaimer:

It is best not to drink alcohol and if you want to try out these hot cocktails you must do so at your own risk, especially if you are allergic to tea or alcohol or have low alcohol tolerance.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 2013
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Did you like this COCKTAIL?
I am sure you will like the 27 fiction short stories from my recently published anthology of Short Fiction COCKTAIL
To order your COCKTAIL please click any of the links below:
http://www.flipkart.com/cocktail-vikram-karve-short-stories-book-8191091844?affid=nme
http://www.indiaplaza.in/cocktail-vikram-karve/books/9788191091847.htm
http://www.apkpublishers.com/books/short-stories/cocktail-by-vikram-karve.html

COCKTAIL ebook
If you prefer reading ebooks on Kindle or your ebook reader, please order Cocktail E-book by clicking the links below:
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87925

Foodie Book: Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
http://www.flipkart.com/appetite-stroll-vikram-karve/8190690094-gw23f9mr2o

About Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer. Educated at IIT Delhi, ITBHU Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories, creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional research papers in journals and edited in-house journals for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for almost 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing. Vikram lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.

Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve

Monday, June 17, 2013

ACR DINNER - HUMOR IN UNIFORM

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES - Ready Reckoner

DEATH OF A PUNTER

MONSOON COCKTAILS - Hot Drinks to Warm Your Spirits on a Cold Damp Windy Rainy Day

COPYRIGHT

Vikram Karve Linkedin Profile

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