Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Humor in Uniform – Second Opinion

HUMOR IN UNIFORM

My Hilarious Encounters with “Fauji” Doctors – SECOND OPINION

THE MILITARY DOCTOR AND HIS CIVILIAN DOCTOR WIFE
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE

This happened around 31 years ago  in the mid 1980’s – at IAT Girinagar Pune.

I had newly arrived in station – IAT was an inter-service training establishment  but it was run in typical Army style.

During my evening walk  I saw a crowd of young student officers and families sitting on the lawns of the house of our unit Medical Officer (MO).

“So  Doc is having a party  is it...?” I shouted to them.

“No, Sir. We are waiting to see the doctor for medical treatment...” they said.

I was impressed.

I had thought that our Medical Officer (MO) was a typical “fauji” doctor.

But  I was impressed to see that he seemed to be such a good doctor  that patients were going to his house in the evening for consultation and treatment.

And – our unit Medical Officer seemed so sincere – that he had started an evening OPD at home for their convenience.

“That’s great. I did not know that our unit MO sees patients at home,” I said.

A student officer looked at me and said: “Sir  we have not come to see the unit MO. He is a useless good-for-nothing doctor. We have come to see his wife. She is an excellent doctor who works in XXX Hospital  the best hospital in Pune. In the evening  she does her private practice here at her home  and everyone comes to see her – of course – she charges quite a lot  but then  she is a really good doctor.”

Yes  she was a really good doctor.

Once  a young officer got a strange cough.

During his morning run  in the expansive picturesque campus  he would suddenly get a spasm of cough  so severe  that it was almost like a convulsion.

He would sit down  terminate his run  walk home  and drink water  and take rest.

For the rest of the day  he would be okay.

These fits of cough happened only in the mornings during his runs  and – while jogging in the open.

The officer reported to the unit Medical Officer (MO) in the MI Room.

On hearing the symptoms  the Army MO immediately concluded that it was Asthma  and  the unit MO referred the officer to the Specialist at Command Hospital (CH) Pune.

The officer was due for his sea time immediately after the course.

His fellow officers scared the shit out of the officer  by putting all sorts of fears in his mind.

They said  that if he went to the Specialist for Asthma  he would be subjected to all sorts of tests and examinations  and  the Specialists at CH would surely downgrade his Medical Category.

Now  if his Medical Category was downgraded  that would be the end of his sea time  and his Naval career would be badly affected.

The officer’s wife advised the officer  that before he went to the “Fauji” Specialist at the Military Hospital  it would be better if they took a “second opinion” from the doctor’s wife (the lady doctor who practiced at home).

In the evening  the worried asthma afflicted officer went to the doctor’s wife.

The doctor’s wife  the civilian lady doctor  she heard him out  and she said: “Don’t worry – it is not asthma – it is just a seasonal allergy due to pollen from the congress grass which is abundant on the campus. This allergy happens to some people in spring. Just stop your morning runs for a month or two. Don’t go out in the open in the mornings. You will be okay. Once it is summer  you can start your morning outdoor exercise and running again.”

“Any medicines – any treatment...?” the officer asked.

“Nothing,” said the doctor’s wife (the civilian lady doctor) – and then – she advised the officer, “if you want just add some gavati chaha (lemon grass) to boiling water when you make tea in the morning – it will act as a placebo – there are plenty of gavati chaha bushes growing wild in the campus.”

Within a few days  the officer’s cough disappeared.

And soon  the moment the season changed  the officer was absolutely fit and fine – and  he started his morning runs again.

Of course  the officer scrupulously avoided going to the unit MO in the MI Room  during the remaining part of his course. 

And – at the end of the course – fit and fine – he went for his sea time”.

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
1. This story is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 
2All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)
     
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Humor in Uniform : RANKOMANIA – RANKOPHILES and RANKOWIVES

Humor in Uniform

RANKOMANIA – RANKOPHILES and RANKOWIVES

PROLOGUE

There is speculation that – in future  those Defence Officers who seek Premature Retirement (PMR) may not be entitled to One Rank One Pension (OROP). 

If true – one ramification will be that officer will prefer to remain in service till they attain the age of superannuation – and then retire on superannuation which will entitle them for OROP. 

Earlier – many superseded officers quit on PMR the moment they got passed over for promotion.

Now – most superseded officers will prefer to remain in service till superannuation in order to get full benefit of OROP.

Earlier there was an incentive for officers to take PMR and begin a second innings in the civilian world – so officers were not that desperate for promotion.

Now – officers who are obliged to remain in service till superannuation will be eager to get promoted since age of superannuation increases with rank – and it is always better to be a promoted officer than be a superseded officer.

Also – the very term One Rank One Pension (OROP) implies that Pension will be based on Rank.

Thus – desperation for getting promoted to high rank will increase and this will further exacerbate the Rankomania epidemic afflicting the Defence Services.

All this reminds me a spoof I wrote a few years ago.

Here it is – for you to have a laugh – and to ponder over.

Read Part 1 – Rankomania – if you just want to have a laugh.

Go on to Part 2 – Moral of the Story – if you want some Food for Thought to ponder over.


(By the way – in military parlance – “Fauj” is a generic term for the Military – Army, Navy and Air Force – and hence – a “Fauji” is a Military Man – and a “Faujan” is a Military Wife – and yes  it was an Army Wife who introduced me to the term “Faujan”…).


RANKOMANIA 
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE

PART 1

RANKOMANIA  a story by Vikram Karve

“A” was a most ambitious Naval Officer.

His sole aim in life was to become an Admiral.

He moved heaven and earth  and he did everything possible to achieve his objective.

Those days  the first promotion board was for the rank of Commander.

As his promotion board approached  the fear of supersession made him highly anxious and tense.

Soon  he came to know that the promotion board was over  but the results were not yet declared  and he eagerly waited for the promotion signal.

This excruciating wait almost drove him crazy.

He was hearing conflicting rumours about his promotion – some said he was on the select list – and some said he had got an “R” and had been passed over for promotion.

This made “A” so tense and stressed-out – that he started going crazy.

One day his shipmates called us over and told us: “Hey  you guys are his friends. He is so bloody tense about his promotion. He is almost on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I think you chaps better speak to him and pep him up a bit.

We will do that,” we said.

The promotion signal is likely to be released tonight. The bugger is so nervous and frantic that he may even commit suicide if he does not get promoted. He is all alone – his wife and kids are away in their hometown for their summer holidays. I think it is better someone is with him to make sure he does not go berserk and to prevent him from doing something stupid – in case his name is not on the select list,” said a shipmate of “A.

In the evening we reached his house with a bottle of rum.

We did not have to open our bottle  since “A” had already opened a rum bottle and was drinking away to soothe his nerves – and it seemed he had already imbibed quite a lot of alcohol.

“Why are you worried...? With your outstanding performance  you are sure to get promoted,” we said.

“What bloody outstanding performance...? Someone told me that the buggers in Delhi are manipulating the list. That is why the promotion signal is delayed. I hope the bloody signal comes tonight...” “A” said  and he downed his glass of rum.

His voice had a note of desperation.

I filled up his glass and said to him, “With your outstanding sea service  they cannot ignore you.”

“Sea Service...? Sea Service My Foot...! All this sea-report crap is bullshit. Look at the number of guys who get their sea-time waived  and all of them get promoted. Someone told me that my name is being pushed out of the list to accommodate some bloody influential landlubber pen-pusher sitting in Delhi. I am convinced about one thing now – never go to sea if you want to get promoted,” he said bitterly.

“Let’s go out for dinner,” I said, trying to change the subject. 

I thought that  maybe  an outing would change his mood and do him a bit of good.

“No. I am not feeling okay. If you want you guys can go ahead,” he said.

“Okay. I will sit with you and give you company here. He will go and get us some dinner. What do you want – Biryani from Olympia or Butter Chicken from Delhi Darbar?”

I am in no mood to eat. You guys eat anything you want,” he said.

As my buddy left to get food  on the way out  I whispered to him to go to the signal-centre and find out about the promotion signal – when was it likely to come...

We  “A” and Me  we both kept drinking rum.

“A” was quite drunk now.

It was more than 2 hours   almost midnight   but my shipmate buddy had still not returned.

I feared the worst.

We kept drinking in silence.

We had lost all sense of time

Suddenly  my buddy arrived.

He seemed overjoyed.

The promotion signal had arrived.

“A” had been promoted  yes  his name was on the select list.

On hearing the good news  “A” asked: “Are you sure my name is on the select list...?”

“Of course your name is very much there. I knew you would have doubts  so I have got a copy of the signal for you – see for yourself.”

“A” kept staring at the promotion signal  at his name.

All his pent up tension seemed to dissolve  and relief was visible on his face.

It was time to leave him alone to savour his moment of triumph.

But  “A” would not let us go, “No. No. Wait. Don’t go. The good news calls for a drink. I have kept a bottle of Royal Salute Whisky for this occasion.”

“Whisky? After so much Rum?” I asked.

“Come on guys. It doesn’t matter. Today is a special day. Let’s celebrate,” “A”insisted.

We kept drinking – and in due course  the bottle of Royal Salute was polished off.

“Hey – it is nearly 3 in the morning. Time to leave,” I said.

“A” looked at me with hazy eyes and said, “Thanks for coming.”

“Do you know why we actually came?” my buddy asked, lurching drunkenly.

“Shut up,” I said.

“No. Tell me. Tell me why you came,” stuttered “A”, his speech blurred with intoxication.

They told us you would commit suicide if you missed your promotion,” my buddy blurted out.

A looked at us and said, “Well  I really don’t know what I would have done  if I had been passed over for promotion. But one thing is sure. My wife would have committed suicide if I had missed my promotion.” 

What...? Your Wife...? Are you saying that your wife would have committed suicide if you had missed your promotion...?” we asked in surprise.

“Yes  my wife would have committed suicide if I had missed my promotion,” he said.

“But  why should your wife be so anxious whether you get promoted or not...? Getting promoted or superseded affects you  but how does it affect your wife...? I can understand that you were desperate to get promoted. But your wife...? Are you telling us that your wife is more career conscious than you...?” we asked A.

A” looked at us and he said: Yes. My wife is more ambitious than me. She would have been totally devastated if I had been passed over for promotion – and she would have surely committed suicide. She had worked so hard for my promotion. She would not have been able to bear the agony of my supersession…”

After uttering this insightful truth  “A” drank the whisky remaining in his glass  and then he collapsed and passed out on the sofa  happily drunk.


EPILOGUE

The Greek word philia means excessive liking or love.

So rankophilia means excessive love for rank 

An overly rank-conscious officer may be called a rankophile

The Greek word mania means excessive obsession  an intense craving or overweening desire

Hence – an overly ambitious officer who is excessively desperate to get promoted to high rank may be called a rankomaniac

If you have served in the defence services  you may have come across many rankophiles who are excessively rank-conscious  and even more rankomaniacs who are desperate to get promoted.

I have seen some rankowives too – yes  rankowives  those faujans”   military wives who are excessively rank conscious of their husband’s rank and even more ambitious than their fauji” husbands.

Yes – like the one the story – some faujans” can be more ambitious than their fauji” husbands  and sometimes  these Rankomaniac Wives can vitiate social life in the services.


PART 2

MORAL OF THE STORY

PROMOTION PROSPECTS IN THE DEFENCE SERVICES

ACS (Assured Career Supersession)

In the Civil Services – you have career incentives and benefits like Assured Career Progression (ACP), Non Functional Upgradation (NFU) and Non-Functional Financial Upgradation (NFFU).

For Civilian Officers  Promotion prospects are good, and promotion to a certain high rank is virtually guaranteed by the time you retire at the age of 60.

However, in comparative terms  promotion prospects are much less in the Defence Services.

In view of the steep pyramid like hierarchical structure in the army, navy and air force  it is very difficult to get promoted  especially to high rank.

Worse  in the military  they retire you off at a young age if you do not get promoted to high rank.

Unlike the almost 100% promotion in the civil services  the promotion percentages in the armed forces are much lower.

That is why I used to jokingly say that  whereas the civilians have ACP (Assured Career Progression– the military “faujis” have ACS (Assured Career Supersession).

It is a sad irony that even civilians who are supposed to support the man in uniform like Civilian Defence Scientists enjoy much better career prospects than the uniformed Armed Forces  who are the mainstay of the nation’s defence.

Another unique feature of the defence services is the extremely high degree of rank consciousness (rankophilia a consequence of which is the desperation to get promoted to high rank at any cost (rankomania).

The saying RANK HAS ITS PRIVILEGES (RHIP) is carried to the extreme in the Armed Forces resulting in a situation where RANK HAS ALL THE PRIVILEGES (RHAP) 

This aspect further exacerbates RANKOPHILIA and RANKOMANIA


RANKOMANIA

In the Armed Forces (Army, Navy, Air Force)  everything depends on your rank.

Your rank determines your status, your pay, your perks, your post retirement job prospects (especially in PSUs), your retirement age  your rank determines even your pension after retirement – like OROP – One Rank One Pension – each and everything depends on your rank.

This obsession with rank is extended to your wife and family as well.

Yes  the status of an officer’s wife depends on her husband’s rank.

This results in absurd “designations” like “Senior Wife” “First Lady” etc 

These so-called “Senior Ladies” try to flaunt their husband’s rank.

This pernicious practice continues despite the fact that we now have Lady Officers in the Armed Forces whose status is officially higher than those who are mere Wives of Senior Officers.

This “pecking order culture” in the defence services makes rank the most important thing in military life  at work  and even in social life as well.

Since your rank is the “be-all and end-all” of military life  most officers (and their wives) are desperate to get promoted at any cost.

The chances of achieving higher rank are quite slim due to low promotion percentages especially as you go higher up as the vacancies become fewer and fewer.

There is a saying that in the navy (or army) that “...All officers get superseded at some stage  since only one can become the Chief... – unlike the in the civil services and police where there can be many officers of the rank of Secretary and Director General.

There is an intriguing aspect of promotion  at least in the navy  which I have observed. 

Very few officers are superseded for professional incompetence

Yes  very few officers are superseded due to incompetence in performance of their professional duties.

Most of the superseded officers are highly proficient in their duties and are professionally competent. 

It is mainly due to some “personality clash” that they have been superseded and passed over for promotion. 

But that is another story  which I will discuss sometime later.


PASSOVER WOES (THE PAIN OF BEING PASSED OVER FOR PROMOTION)

Supersession has two effects:

1. Loss of self-esteem and end of the road (blocked career growth) for the individual

2. Feelings of inadequacy and humiliation at the social and familial level

In the rank-conscious feudal culture of the defence services  if you are superseded and passed over for promotion  you have to contend with a situation where you may have to work under an erstwhile junior which can be a most humiliating experience. 

Even at the social level your wife may have to suffer the humiliation of being bossed around at AWWA and NWWA by a much younger wife of an officer who has been promoted and has leapfrogged over your husband who has been unfortunately passed over and fallen by the wayside.

That is why  one of the greatest fears of an officer (and his family) is the fear of supersession

This “supersession fear” is a result of the the potent combination of “rankophilia”and “rankomania” – exacerbated by poor promotion prospects due to pyramidal hierarchy structure in the armed forces.

In many cases this “fear of supersession” gives rise to ruthless competition fuelled by overweening ambition.

The manifestation of this careerism is visible in the increasing contretemps among officers  the rising number of grievances  and ever-increasing litigation on promotion issues  and frequent “succession battles” – which make headlines in the media from time to time.

In the defence services  promotion is probably the most stressful issue for a careerist officer, his wife and his family.

Due to this  many officers in the promotion zone are in a state of “CAREER FEAR”.

“Career Fear” essentially is an individual’s reluctance to stand up for his values and principles because he fears that this may damage his career prospects.

He does not want to stick his neck out or “rock the boat” for the fear of harming his promotion prospects.

“Career Fear” results in “play safe” mindset and the “zero error syndrome”.

An officer afflicted with “Career Fear” places self interest before the interest of his men.

Such a careerist officer can no longer be a true leader – since  a careerist officer dumps the Chetwode Credo and puts Self Before Service.

Are RANKOPHILIA and RANKOMANIA adversely affecting leadership quality in the Defence Services...?

Can CAREER FEAR be mitigated by having initiatives like Assured Career Progression and Non Functional Upgradation (like it exists in the Civil Services) and reintroducing Running Pay Band like it existed earlier in the Military  all such initiatives which will hopefully reduce the excessive rank consciousness in the defence services.

Till then – Rankomania will be a part and parcel of military life.

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
1. This is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.  
2. This story and all stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)
     
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.