Monday, December 10, 2012



A few days ago I met a friend and his better half on loafing on Main Street (MG Road) in Pune. 

We are really enjoying life, he said, do you know how - well we have outsourced everything, yes, each and every thing - all household activities, parenting and even pet parenting. 

So  you have done LIFE PROCESS OUTSOURCING, I said, tongue in cheek. 

Absolutely, you've said it, Life Process Outsourcing, that is the key to happiness, they exclaimed. 

As I said Bye and walked on Main Street, I suddenly remembered a story I had written a few years on the subject of outsourcing, when I was trying to fathom as to what the term outsourcing really meant. I think I wrote this story around 6 years ago at the height of the BPO Boom in Pune.

So here is the story for you to read, my take on outsourcing. 

Dear Reader, please remember that this is fiction, and do tell me if you liked the story. 

I look forward to your comments and feedback.


One leisurely morning, while I am loafing on Main Street in Pune, I meet an old friend of mine.     
“Hi!” I say.  
“Hi,” he says, “where to?”    
“Aimless loitering,” I say, “And you?”  
“I’m going to work.”    
“Work? This early? I thought your shift starts in the evening, or late at night. You work at a call center don’t you?”   
“Not now. I quit. I’m on my own now.”    
“On your own? What do you do?”    
“LPO? What’s that?”   
“Life Process Outsourcing.”    
“Life Process Outsourcing? Never heard of it!”   
“You’ve heard of Business Process Outsourcing haven’t you?”   
“BPO? Outsourcing non-core business activities and functions?”  
“Precisely. LPO is similar to BPO. There it’s Business Processes that are outsourced, here it’s Life Processes.”    
“Life Processes? Outsourced?”   
“Why don’t you come along with me? I’ll show you.”  
Soon we are in his office. It looks like a mini call center.   
A young attractive girl welcomes us. “Meet Rita, my Manager,” my friend says, and introduces us.   
Rita looks distraught, and says to my friend, “I’m not feeling well. Must be viral fever.”  
“No problem. My friend here will stand in.”    
“What? I don’t have a clue about all this LPO thing...!” I protest.    
“There’s nothing like learning on the job! Rita will show you.”    
“It’s simple,” Rita says, in a hurry. “See the console. You just press the appropriate switch and route the call to the appropriate person or agency.”

And with these words Rita disappears. It’s the shortest induction training I have ever had in my life.    
And so I plunge into the world of Life Process Outsourcing; or LPO as they call it.   
It’s all very simple.

Everyone is busy. Working people don’t seem to have time these days, but they have lots of money; especially those double income couples, IT nerds, MBA hot shots, finance wizards; just about everybody running desperately in the modern rat race.

So what do they do? Simple. They 'outsource'...!

‘Non-core Life Activities’, for which you neither have the inclination or the time – you just outsource them; so you can maximize your work-time to rake in the money and make a fast climb up the ladder of success.

A ring, a flash on the console infront of me and I take my first LPO call.   
“My daughter’s puked in her school. They want someone to pick her up and take her home. I’m busy in a shoot and just can’t leave,” a creative ad agency type with a husky voice says.    
“Why don’t you tell your husband?” I suggest.  
“Are you crazy or something? I’m a single mother.”    
“Sorry ma’am. I didn’t know. My sympathies and condolences.”    
“Condolences? Who’s this? Is this LPO?”   
“Yes ma’am,” I say, press the button marked ‘children’ and transfer the call, hoping I have made the right choice. Maybe I should have pressed ‘doctor’.    
Nothing happens for the next few moments. I breathe a sigh of relief.    
A yuppie wants his grandmother to be taken to a movie. 

I press the ‘movies’ button. 

‘Movies’ transfers the call back, “Hey, this is for movie tickets. Try ‘escort services’. He wants the old hag escorted to the movies.”    
‘Escort Services’ are in high demand. 

These guys and girls, slogging in their offices minting money, want escort services for their kith and kin for various non-core family processes like shopping, movies, eating out, sight seeing, marriages, funerals, all types of functions; even going to art galleries, book fairs, exhibitions, zoos, museums or even a walk in the nearby garden.    
A father wants someone to read bedtime stories to his small son while he works late. 

A busy couple wants proxy stand-in ‘parents’ at the school PTA meeting. 

An investment banker rings up from Singapore...he wants his mother to be taken to pray, to do an elaborate pooja, in a temple at a certain time on a specific day.
Someone wants his kids to be taken for a swim, brunch, a play and browsing books and music.    
A sweet-voiced IT project manager wants someone to motivate and pep-talk her husband, who’s been recently sacked, and is cribbing away at home demoralized. 

He desperately needs someone to talk to, unburden himself, but the wife is busy – she neither has the time nor the inclination to take a few days off to boost the morale of her depressed husband when there are deadlines to be met at work and so much is at stake.   
The things they want outsourced range from the mundane to the bizarre.

Life processes that one earlier enjoyed and took pride in doing or did as one’s sacred duty are considered ‘non-core life activities’ now-a-days by these highfalutin people.    
At the end of the day I feel illuminated on this novel concept of Life Process Outsourcing, and I am about to leave, when suddenly a call comes in.    
“LPO?” a man asks softly.    
“Yes, this is LPO. May I help you?” I say.   
“I’m speaking from Frankfurt Airport. I really don’t know if I can ask this?” he says nervously.    
“Please go ahead and feel free to ask anything you desire, Sir. We do everything.”    
“Yes, Sir. Anything and everything...!” I say.    
“I don’t know how to say this. This is the first time I’m asking. You see, I am working 24/7 on an important project for the last few months. I’m globetrotting abroad and can’t make it there. Can you please arrange for someone suitable to take my wife out to the New Year’s Eve Dance...?”    
I am taken aback but quickly recover, “Yes, Sir.”    
“Please send someone really good, an excellent dancer, and make sure she enjoys and has a good time. She loves dancing and I just haven’t had the time.”    
“Of course, Sir.”    
“And I told you – I’ve been away abroad for quite some time now and I have got to stay out here till I complete the project.”    
“I know. Work takes top priority.”    
“My wife. She’s been lonely. She desperately needs some love. Do you have someone with a loving and caring nature who can give her some love? I just don’t have the time. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you?”    
I let the words sink in. The guy wants to outsource the love process. This is one call I am not going to transfer. This process” is something I am going to take on myself - yes, I am going to in-source this love process to myself. 
“Please give me the details, Sir,” I say softly into the mike.    
As I walk towards my destination with a spring in my step, I feel truly enlightened.   
Till this moment, I never knew that ‘love’ was a non-core  life-process  worthy of outsourcing.
Long Live LPO...!


Is it Life Process Outsourcing...! 

Or is it Love Process Outsourcing...!

Call it what you like, but I am sure you have got an idea of the great benefits of outsourcing.

Copyright © Vikram Karve 2012
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Did you like reading this story? 
I am sure you will like all the 27 stories in my recently published book of short stories COCKTAIL
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Foodie Book:  Appetite for a Stroll

About Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a large number of fiction short stories, creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.

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