Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve

Thursday, January 2, 2014

HUMOR IN UNIFORM - JIGGERY POKERY

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

JIGGERY-POKERY
Story of the Boneless Meat
An Apocryphal Story
By
VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this apocryphal story only if you have a sense of humor. This is a spoof, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

NB:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

JIGGERY-POKERY

There is a hilarious song in the classic 1950s Comedy Movie “At War With The Army” starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis with the lyrics “The Navy Gets the Gravy and The Army Gets the Beans” sung by Jerry Lewis.

In the anecdote I am going to narrate the “navy” was indeed getting the “gravy” while a freeloader was getting the “beans”.

It was in the latter half of the year 1980, I think, that I was doing the “bum job” of Wardroom Mess Secretary in a shore training establishment.

As I have told you earlier, in the Navy you have got to be the Jack of all Trades but the Master of One.

We were served mutton twice a week and I noticed that the mutton curry was full of bones and there was hardly any meat.

The other in-living officers had also been complaining about the lack of meat pieces in the “bony curry”.

This was surprising since we bought quite a generous quantity of mutton and as per my calculations each officer should have got a portion of at least 200 grams of mutton which is quite a sizeable quantity (200 grams of meat are about 5-6 chunks of mutton)

On inquiry the steward told me that the PMC was taking three kilograms of mutton on payment every week from the Wardroom.

“But surely you include this amount when you purchase mutton, don’t you?” I asked.

“Yes, Sir,” the steward said, “but he wants Boneless Mutton. He has told me to remove the bones and only then weigh the mutton. But he is to be charged for only three kilograms at the market rate. Sir, the weight of the bones is roughly half the total weight and that is why you in-living officers eating in the mess get more bones in the curry.”

“Oh,” I said, understanding his game, “call me the next time you buy mutton.”

On D-Day I asked him weigh 6 kilograms of mutton.

Then I asked him to remove the bones and weigh the boneless mutton.

As I estimated the boneless mutton weighed roughly 3 kilograms.

“Send the 3 Kilograms of the boneless mutton to his house. Charge him for 6 Kilograms of mutton. And yes, remember to keep the 3 kilograms of bones carefully in the freezer. In case he complains you just tell him what I did and give him his 3 kilograms of bones,” I said.

We did this for three weeks.

As I expected, at the end of the month, when the mess bills were distributed, the PMC came rushing to the wardroom mess office complaining that he had been overcharged.

I explained to him what we had done.

Then, I gestured to the chief steward who went to the freezer and got the packet of bones.

The PMC was promptly offered the sizeable amount of carefully preserved bones (which were rightfully his, since he had paid for them).

The PMC was furious.

He walked out of the mess office in a huff.

He did not take the packet of bones with him.

I told the steward to feed the bones to the dogs.

I knew that my days as Mess Secretary were numbered and I would be sacked as Wardroom Mess Secretary soon (which is what I actually wanted since I was fed up of this thankless “bum job”).

It happened faster than I thought.

The very next morning it dawned on the powers-that-be that I was overburdened with my main primary instructional duties and it was not fair to make me perform additional mess secretary duties.

A suitable “morally pliable” officer was appointed as the new Mess Secretary.

And things were back to normal.

“Normal service was resumed” - as they say in the navy.

PETTY CORRUPTION IS THE FIRST STEP ON THE ROAD TO GRAND CORRUPTION

I have seen this happening often – the moment someone attains a high position or senior rank he thinks that it his prerogative to freeload.

Many Senior Officers assume that Freeloading is a Privilege of Rank.

Yes, Rank Has Its Privileges (RHIP)

But I am sure RHIP does not mean that you have the licence to make your juniors pay for what you consume and become a freeloader at someone else’s expense.

There is no free lunch.

Whenever you eat or drink something, someone has to pay for it.

If you don’t pay for what you consume then someone else has to pay for what you consume.

When a person misuses his rank or position and “freeloads” then someone else has to bear the brunt (since money does not grow on trees).

This someone else who pays for your freeloading may be your juniors (or the “organisation” or the taxpayer or you may fleece some other vulnerable people, like contractors).

Some officers, when they attain high rank, start thinking that it is their privilege to freeload.

They feel that everything they eat, drink, use and consume must be given to them free of cost.

Senior Officers interpret that RHIP means that once you are promoted to high rank then everything is gratis or “on-the-house”.

Freeloading may be “petty corruption”.

But “petty corruption” is the first step on the road to “grand corruption”.

As Lao Tzu wrote in Tao Te Ching:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step

This is true of corruption as well.

The journey to “grand corruption” starts with “petty corruption”

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Did you like this story?

I am sure you will like the 27 short stories from my recently published anthology of Short Fiction COCKTAIL
To order your COCKTAIL please click any of the links below:
http://www.flipkart.com/cocktail-vikram-karve-short-stories-book-8191091844?affid=nme
http://www.indiaplaza.in/cocktail-vikram-karve/books/9788191091847.htm
http://www.apkpublishers.com/books/short-stories/cocktail-by-vikram-karve.html

COCKTAIL ebook

If you prefer reading ebooks on Kindle or your ebook reader, please order Cocktail E-book by clicking the links below:
AMAZON
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SMASHWORDS
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Foodie Book: Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie I am sure that you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
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About Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.

Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
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Twitter: @vikramkarve

DO YOU HAVE TO PAY A BRIBE TO GET AADHAAR CARD ?

DO YOU HAVE TO PAY A BRIBE TO GET AADHAAR CARD ?

I want an Aadhaar Card.

I have made repeated efforts to get an Aadhaar Card.

I have enrolled, I have re-enrolled – but till today I have not received my Aadhaar Card.

My numerous complaints have not been satisfactorily responded to by the UIDAI.

Let me tell about my efforts to get an Aadhaar Card.

FIRST ENROLMENT

I first enrolled for Aadhaar on 08 February 2012 (08/02/2012).

The enrolment centre was located in a leading IT Software Company in Pune and Enrolment Agency was “Tera Software Ltd”

There was a big rush and I had to wait for more than 3 hours in a queue before I was enrolled.

I was issued an acknowledgement receipt with an enrolment number.

I did not receive my Aadhaar Card for over 6 months despite repeated reminders from my side.

On checking Aadhaar Status on the UIDAI website, the status would show: “Your Aadhaar Number is under generation”.

Suddenly, 10 months after enrolment, in November 2012, the status said: “Your Aadhaar enrolment could not be processed due to data process error. Please re-enroll yourself at the nearest enrolment centre”

RE - ENROLMENT

Accordingly, I re-enrolled myself for Aadhaar on 10 December 2012 (10/12/2012).

The Enrolment Centre was located in IDBI Bank Hinjewadi Pune and the Enrolment Agency was “Sreeven Infocom Limited”.

I explained to the lady enroller that my first Aadhaar enrolment had failed due to data process error and asked her to be extra careful and ensure that my data was collected properly.

The enroller took due care and confirmed to me that my biometric details had been recorded perfectly.

She also cross-checked my documents of Proof of Identity (PAN Card), Proof of Address (Electricity Bill in my name) and even took a Date of Birth proof document from me and attached photocopies of all these documents to the form which she was forwarding.

She assured me that I would receive my Aadhaar Card within 3 months.

I was issued an acknowledgement receipt with an enrolment number.

This time the Aadhaar enrolment acknowledgement form had additional comments like “Good Fingerprint Quality”, “Biometrics Captured Fingers (10) Iris (2) Face” etc.

I eagerly waited for my Aadhaar card.

Unfortunately, exactly the same sequence of events happened as had taken place during the first Aadhaar Enrolment.

For the first few months the status report said: “Your Aadhaar Number is under generation”.

After more than 6 months had elapsed, the Aadhaar status said: “Your Aadhaar enrolment could not be processed due to data process error. Please re-enroll yourself at the nearest enrolment centre”

Why was “data process error” occurring again and again?

What exactly are these “data processing errors” which were happening more than 6 months after enrolment?

I sent emails to UIDAI (E-Mail id: help@uidai.gov.in) but received no response.

It seemed that things were moving in a circle and I was destined not to get an Aadhaar Card.

APATHETIC GRIEVANCE REDRESSAL SYSTEM OF UIDAI

It has been my experience that the UIDAI Grievance Redressal Mechanism is totally ineffective.

Since I am keen to get an Aadhaar Card and I do not want the same “data process error” to happen again and again, I made a number of complaints by email / helpline but did not receive any satisfactory response.

The only response to my complaints and grievances I received was a call from the UIDAI Mumbai Office that I should re-enroll once again (for the third time) and try my luck.

I asked the official: “This time can you please guarantee that that there will be no “data processing errors” and can you assure me that I will receive my Aadhaar Card?”

He laughed it off, saying: “Who can guarantee anything? The whole enrolment process has been outsourced to private companies. You re-enroll once more and try your luck. If your Aadhaar generation fails again, you keep trying again and again.”

This reply from UIDAI left me bewildered. I did not know whether to laugh or cry.

A few days ago, I discussed my Aadhaar woes with a friend of mine, who said matter-of-factly, “You have spent all your life in uniform serving in the Defence Services, so you don’t know anything about the outside world. In India, you cannot get anything done unless you pay a bribe.”

I was aghast.

“Do you have to pay a bribe for an Aadhaar Card?”

At first I did not believe my friend.

But then I read this news report that an Aadhaar enroller had been caught taking bribes for making Aadhaar Cards. What is worse, if you paid bribes you could get an Aadhaar Card made even without the necessary documents:

http://www.punemirror.in/article/2/2013012420130124082539284e197176d/Youth-held-in-Aadhar-scam.html

If corruption is rampant in the Aadhaar Enrolment System, it is no wonder that even illegal immigrants who are not citizens of India are being issued Aadhaar Cards, as frequent news reports say:

http://www.myaadhaarcard.in/aadhaar-news/21-illegal-bangladeshi-immigrants-caught-with-aadhar-and-voter-card/

http://www.ndtv.com/article/india/don-t-issue-aadhar-cards-to-illegal-immigrants-supreme-court-tells-centre-422374

DO YOU HAVE TO PAY A BRIBE TO GET AADHAAR CARD?

The Government keeps saying that Aadhaar Card is voluntary.

But in actual fact they are making it compulsory by making Aadhaar mandatory for LPG subsidized cylinders and other requirements.

A retired defence officer told me that soon veteran armed forces ex-servicemen of the army navy and air force will not be able to avail medical treatment under ECHS unless they had an Aadhaar Card.

The more they make anything compulsory, the more the scope for corruption.

Will the virus of corruption infect the UIDAI Aadhaar System too?

The UIDAI is headed by Mr. Nandan Nilekani, a distinguished technocrat who has achieved outstanding success in the IT Industry.

My repeated efforts at obtaining an Aadhaar Card in an honest manner have failed, so I want to ask Mr. Nandan Nilekani a simple question: “Do I have to pay a bribe to get an Aadhaar Card?”

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2014 - NURTURE YOUR STRENGTHS and IGNORE YOUR WEAKNESSES

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2014

NURTURE YOUR STRENGTHS and IGNORE YOUR WEAKNESSES

Self Help Musings

VIKRAM KARVE

I have made my New Year Resolution for the year 2014:

“I will spend time doing things I like to do and try my best to avoid doing things I don’t like to do.

I will focus my efforts, time and resources on things I am good at, things I enjoy doing, rather than fritter away my energy, efforts, time and resources on doing things I am not good at doing and things that I hate doing.”

In fact, I will try and spend so much time doing what I like to do that I will have no time left to do what I don’t like to do

DO WHAT DO YOU ENJOY DOING and AVOID DOING WHAT DO YOU HATE DOING

If you have a natural talent for doing something, most likely, you will enjoy doing it.

My wife is good at parenting. She loves children. She enjoys parenting and playing with children and teaching them.

If you don’t have a natural aptitude for doing something, you will hate doing it.

My wife is bad at cooking. She hates cooking food.

When we were newly married, my wife had zero knowledge about cooking – I had to teach her even how to make tea.

However, I noticed that my wife was good with children (though we did not have any children at the time of our marriage).

Whereas even cooking the simplest dish would cause her great stress, she could be very patient with even the most ill-behaved children and she was good at (and enjoyed) handling children.

We got a dog – a cute little 2 month old Lhasa Apso Puppy – as a wedding gift.

Seeing the way she brought up the dog, I knew that my loved parenting and would be good at bringing up children.

Soon we had children of our own.

Though I did not spell it out in so many words, I tacitly encouraged my wife to focus on parenting and forget about improving her culinary skills.

Even whatever little efforts she made towards improving her cooking was for the sake of our children – parenting was always her top priority and our children will agree with me when I say that my wife has certainly proved to be a very good parent. She is a better mother than a wife.

The moral of this story is that you should give priority doing things that you like to do and avoid doing things that you don’t like to do.

You must focus your efforts at things that you are good at doing and forget about things that you are not good at doing.

Do not waste your time trying to improve yourself at things for which you have no aptitude, because the results will not be commensurate with your efforts.

Instead, if you spend the same amount of effort at things for which you have the aptitude, you will get rich dividends.

My wife followed this principle.

Instead of wasting her time trying to learn how to cook, she nurtured her natural talent with children and has proved to be a excellent parent and accomplished teacher.

Even if she had put in ten times the effort in trying to learn cooking, I doubt whether she would have become a top-notch chef, simply because she hates cooking.

We avoided calling over people for dinner because my wife would start getting nightmares about cooking days before the event (even if rarely we did call someone, we tried to get food from outside, or I cooked the main dish and she managed the simple dishes).

In contrast, her efforts at parenting, caring for and teaching small children yielded rich dividends.

WHAT ARE YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR WEAKNESSES ?

Every individual has some plus points or positive attributes.

Also, every individual has some negative attributes as well.

Yes, we all have some virtues and good qualities and we all have our faults and frailties

We all possess some strengths and some weaknesses.

You are good at some things and you are not so good at some things.

You have your virtues (good qualities) and your faults (bad qualities).

Close your eyes, introspect, and reflect on your strengths and weaknesses.

CONVENTIONAL “SELF IMPROVEMENT” WISDOM – TRY TO IMPROVE ON YOUR WEAK POINTS

Most of us are excessively self-conscious about our weaknesses and we spend too much energy and resources in the process of trying to correct our imperfections.

You tend to take for granted your good qualities, our plus points and positive features, our skills and talents, our forte and strong points.

Hence we tend to neglect nurturing and building up our strengths.

In our constant endeavour to overcome our weaknesses and correct our imperfections, we ignore working on our good points.

We do not spend enough effort in nurturing our strengths since most our our time and effort is spent on trying to remedy our so-called faults, frailties, imperfections and weaknesses

This is because we keep thinking of our faults and weak points all the time and we take our plus-points for granted.

Sometimes, we become so obsessed with mitigating our weaknesses and shortcomings that we devote so much of our time, efforts and resources in trying to remedy our imperfections and we do not have any time, energy or inclination for improving upon our natural talents and strong points.

You also see that your parents, your teachers, your elders, your near and dear ones.

Most of the time these well-meaning people tend to point out your shortcomings rather than appreciate your plus-points.

Everyone keeps giving you never-ending advise on how to overcome your weaknesses.

This applies to parenting too.

Let us take an example.

Suppose your son is good in humanities but poor in mathematics.

What would you do?

Most likely, you would make him undergo tuitions in mathematics, make him put in maximum efforts in mathematics, and since time and effort are finite, it is obvious that he would not be able to put in maximum efforts in humanities since he is concentrating on mathematics.

The end result:

1. It is unlikely that he would get top-notch marks in mathematics (since he does not have a basic aptitude for mathematics).

2. He will not be able to achieve his full potential in humanities too.

Just imagine the result if you had allowed him to concentrate all his time and efforts on humanities, which he is good at and enjoys doing.

NEW AGE WISDOM – FOCUS ON YOUR FORTE

Why not forget about our weaknesses, our imperfections, and focus all our efforts and resources on improving our strong points?

If you study the biographies of great persons you will realize that this has been their leitmotif.

Yes, these people became great because they focused on their one main strength and forgot about everything else.

They devoted all their energies to nurturing their forte, their strongest point.

Great Achievers just ignore their frailties and concentrate all their efforts on enhancing and bettering their strong points, boosting their forte, and this is the secret of how they achieve great heights.

They do not fritter away all their energies on trying to rectify their weaknesses.

They apply these energies in improving their strengths to even higher levels.

So that’s the way to excellence:

nourish your strengths and ignore your weaknesses

It works - you can take my word for it.

NURTURE YOUR STRENGTHS and IGNORE YOUR WEAKNESSES

Constantly worrying about your faults and weaknesses and expending your internal resources and focusing your entire effort trying to rectify your shortcomings will physically sap you, drain your emotional energy and demoralize you since you will never be able to achieve the desired results.

If you apply the same effort to improving your strengths the results will be much more encouraging and fruitful.

This is because working on improving your strengths and positive points will fill you with zest and enthusiasm since you will always enjoy working on something you are good at and doing something you like.

So even the results are sure to be encouraging and this will further raise your morale and fill you with cheer.

One always enjoys doing what one is good at and the results will be commensurate too.

On the contrary you are likely to become fatigued and disheartened doing something you are not good at doing or something you do not like to do.

Hence, in such cases, the results will not be commensurate with the time and efforts you put in and resources you expend.

So why waste your valuable time, effort and resources in doing things which you are not good at doing and you do not like doing and which are not your true metier?

SELF IMPROVEMENT MANTRA

You must do two things:

1. Introspect and identify your strengths and weaknesses.

2. Accept your weaknesses as they are and forget about them.

Once you have forgotten about your faults, frailties, imperfections and weaknesses, just ignore them.

That is the key – you must accept your weaknesses as they are and forget about them.

Do not waste your efforts, your resources and your energy on trying to overcome your shortcomings.

Now, concentrate all your efforts on reinforcing, enhancing and boosting your strengths.

It is just not worth it to waste your energies and deplete your resources trying in vain to correct your shortcomings.

Instead, it would be much better to direct all your efforts and apply your resources on further enhancing and improving your plus-points.

As far as your so-called weaknesses and shortcomings are concerned, it is best to accept yourself as you are.

Keep thinking about your plus-points and do not waste your time thinking about your so-called flaws, blemishes and minus-points.

Just forget about your weaknesses and get them out of your mind.

Thinking good thoughts about your plus-points and positive attributes will make you feel good and confident.

Then, just focus all your efforts on improving your strengths and see yourself rise from strength to strength.

Make a New Year Resolution like I did, and promise yourself:

“You will spend time doing things you like to do and try your best to avoid doing things you don’t like to do.

You will focus your efforts, time and resources on things you are good at doing, things you enjoy doing, rather than fritter away your energies, efforts, time and resources on doing things you are not good at doing and things that you hate doing.”

Like I said, you must try and spend so much time doing what you like to do that you will have no time left to do what you don’t like to do!

It works - you can take my word for it.

Try this self improvement mantra and see the results for yourself.

And do comment and tell us your experience and let us know whether this self improvement mantra worked for you.

Wish You a Happy New Year.

VIKRAM KARVE

NB:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Did you like this self-help article?

I am sure you will like the 27 short stories from my anthology of Short Fiction COCKTAIL
To order your COCKTAIL please click any of the links below:
http://www.flipkart.com/cocktail-vikram-karve-short-stories-book-8191091844?affid=nme
http://www.indiaplaza.in/cocktail-vikram-karve/books/9788191091847.htm
http://www.apkpublishers.com/books/short-stories/cocktail-by-vikram-karve.html

COCKTAIL ebook

Twitter: @vikramkarve

Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve

Thursday, January 2, 2014

HUMOR IN UNIFORM - JIGGERY POKERY

DO YOU HAVE TO PAY A BRIBE TO GET AADHAAR CARD ?

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION 2014 - NURTURE YOUR STRENGTHS and IGNORE YOUR WEAKNESSES

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