HOW TO HAVE FUN WHILE TALKING
ENJOYING CONVERSATION PLAYING STATUS GAMES
Musings
By
VIKRAM KARVE
When I was in the Navy I
had to attend many official parties and social occasions.
On most occasions I knew
many persons and we enjoyed talking freely about topics of common interest.
However, there were some
occasions, especially when I was “detailed” as a “rep” to attend formal
inter-service parties or social functions in the civilian world where I hardly
knew anybody.
What do you do when you
land up in a place where you are a stranger and nobody is keen to talk to you.
1. You can get bored all
by yourself and wait for the “torture” to end.
2. You can try to strike
up a polite conversation about some mundane topic like the weather with someone
who is not interested in talking to you.
3. You can have fun
talking to people and enjoy yourself (and maybe the person you are conversing
with will enjoy the tête-à-tête too).
Before I tell you how,
let’s get back to the basics.
AIM OF CONVERSATION
Why do we talk to people?
Why do people talk to each
other?
Why do we converse?
Conversation is a medium
of verbal communication.
The professed aim of
conversation is to exchange information.
However conversation may
have an ulterior motives too.
Sometimes you may speak to
“get it off your chest” or to express emotions like happiness or anger.
Another reason for you to
converse with someone may to establish the “pecking order” or to alter, raise
or lower, your “status” relative to the other person.
Thus, to put it in a nutshell,
there are three reasons for verbal communication:
1. Exchanging Information
2. Expressing Emotions
3. Determining and Altering
Status
DETERMINING AND ALTERING STATUS BY
CONVERSATION
Let us discuss the third
reason for conversation: Determining and
Altering Status.
Consciously, or
sub-consciously, people are competing with each other for status when they
speak to each other.
Different individuals have
different attitudes towards status.
Some are blatant about
flaunting their status while others do so in a more subtle manner.
Some like to establish
their superior status while others prefer to tone down their own status
relative to the other person.
Let me give you some
examples of Determining Status:
If a stranger asks you
where you live, he may not be doing so for mere information, he may be doing it
for ascertaining or establishing relative status.
“Where do you live?”
“Wakad.” (a middle-class suburb of Pune)
“Oh. I live on Boat Club Road
A snooty wife of a navy
colleague once asked me at a party in the presence of others:
“In which school do your children
study?”
“Kendriya Vidyalaya,” I answered.
“Oh. My children study in xxx School
In the first
example the person did not know where I lived and was trying to “gauge my
status” in comparison with his own.
In the second
example the lady knew where my children studied and was trying to show-off her
“higher” status as compared to other naval officers and families.
In the
civilian world status is determined by material things like your wealth, the
car you own, the locality where you stay, the school your children attend, or
who you know.
Where you work
also determines your status. Working for a prestigious organisation adds to
your status.
Your
intellectual accomplishments, the institution where you studies, an ivy league
college, IIT or IIM, also contribute to your status.
In the defence
forces your material wealth and intellectual accomplishments do not matter.
In the army
and navy your status is determined by your rank – yes, Rank is the only factor
which determines your place in the pecking order in the military.
That is why
your military rank is prefixed to your name, even after you retire.
The army and
navy are highly status-conscious organisations.
Rank (or the
rank of your spouse) governs social graces in the services.
That is why
most senior officers (and their wives) will immediately state their rank so
that they can assume a higher status.
However, on
occasions, I have observed some senior officers not mentioning their ranks
while talking “incognito”. They make efforts to deliberately lower their status
so that the persons who they are talking to warm up to them and open up, and do
not get intimated by the high rank of the officer.
STATUS GAMES
Once, at a
ladies club function, an army officer’s wife was desperately trying to find out
from my newly-married wife whether I was senior to her husband or was her
husband senior to me, so that she could appropriately establish herself in the
pecking order.
My wife was
quite clueless about my precise seniority.
During the
conversation my wife mentioned the name of our neighbour, a senior army
officer, who she said was my close friend.
The lady
assumed that I was senior to her husband and showed due deference.
Later it
transpired that her husband was much senior to me.
This was an
unintentional status game.
To have fun
when talking to a stranger you can intentionally initiate and play status
games.
I once met a
social-bee in Mumbai who asked me what I did for a living.
“I am in the
navy,” I told her.
She
immediately started dropping names and mentioned the name of a very senior
naval officer who she claimed was her close acquaintance.
(“Name
Dropping” is a sure indicator of “Status Games”. The lady was obviously trying
to raise her status so I decided to play a game and alter status).
I casually
said that the officer she had named was my subordinate.
First, she
looked at me in disbelief, then, a hint of awe, and I decided to go in for the
kill, asked her in detail about herself and brought her down to mother earth.
The other day I
met an old school classmate of mine after almost 40 years.
I could not
even recall him properly since he had been quite an undistinguished student and
a mediocre backbencher.
However, he
had joined government service, plodded along and thanks to Assured Career Progression he had
reached a reasonably high post.
He mentioned
his position, said that it was the civilian equivalent of Brigadier, and asked
me, “At what rank did you retire from the navy?”
I was amused,
since I was sure that he knew all about me. After all he had got my details
from another classmate who had been in the navy with me.
This guy was
simply trying to show off his status.
“How does that
matter,” I said, “I retired long back.”
“I want to
know. Tell me,” he insisted.
“Admiral. I
retired as an Admiral,” I said tongue-in-cheek.
“Oh. XXX said that you retired as a Commander,” he betrayed
himself, “you worked at a university also, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I was
faculty at yyy University
He immediately
started “name-dropping” saying that the present vice-chancellor of that
university was a close acquaintance of his (in an attempt to raise his own
status).
Of course, I
put him in his place by discussing his academic “achievements” and sissy
behaviour during our student days.
Going up and
down a person’s timeline is a good way of altering status.
Later, in my
blog, I will tell you anecdotes of the delightful fun I have had playing status
games while talking to people.
Meanwhile,
Dear Reader, whenever someone talks to you do try to discern whether the person
is genuinely seeking information or expressing emotions – or whether he or she is
playing “status games” with you.
Then, you know
what to do.
Of course, the
next time you land up at a boring party just walk up to someone you do not know
and have fun by initiating and playing conversation “status games”.
Have a Happy
Sunday.
VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 2013
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Copyright © Vikram Karve 2013
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
NB:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve 2013. All Rights Reserved
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About Vikram Karve
A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.
Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramwamankarve@gmail.com
If your are a Foodie you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
http://www.flipkart.com/appetite-stroll-vikram-karve/8190690094-gw23f9
About Vikram Karve
A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.
Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramwamankarve@gmail.com
Twitter: @vikramkarve
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
