Are You a Victim of the Tall Poppy Syndrome...?

The “TALL POPPY SYNDROME”

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

By

VIKRAM KARVE

In the inimitable war novel Catch-22 – there is a character called “Major Major Major Major”

(For brevity – let’s call him “Major Major”)

“Major Major” is a simple amiable officer who is liked by everyone – officers and enlisted men.  

One day – the Squadron Commander Major Duluth is killed in action – and – “Major Major” is appointed the Squadron Commander.

Suddenly – everything changes for “Major Major”.

The very same people who earlier loved “Major Major” – now – their attitude towards “Major Major” changes drastically – and – everyone starts resenting his success

Many of his fellow officers have feelings of envy and animosity towards “Major Major” once he is promoted to Squadron Commander.

The most acrimonious and spiteful of them is Captain Black – who believes that he himself was the logical choice to replace Major Duluth as Squadron Commander – and – grave injustice has been done by appointing “Major Major” as Squadron Commander.

Captain Black makes every effort to discredit and disparage “Major Major”

Captain Black uses various stratagems to sabotage and humiliate “Major Major” – and – cut him down to size.

This is an example of the “Tall Poppy Syndrome”.

Thanks to his “success” – “Major Major” is a victim of the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” – which results in hostility towards successful people.  

The “Tall Poppy Syndrome” is a culture where “successful” people are resented, attacked, cut down or criticized because of their success.

Successful People are called “Tall Poppies”. 

And – cutting them down to size is called “Tall Poppying”…

In an organization – the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” can cause in destructive feelings in the colleagues of the successful person – which can lead to resentment, hostility – and “envy attacks” on the “successful” person. 

In the Defence Services – some “passed over” (superseded) officers feel a sense of resentment towards those successful officers who have been promoted – and sometimes – this resentment can metamorphose into “Tall Poppy Syndrome” (hostility towards the successful person). 

The “Tall Poppy Syndrome” is visible in personal relationships too – in families, friend-circles and in society – where we often see a tendency to resent and disparage successful people due to envy.

In a nutshell – the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” is hostility towards successful people and manifestations of that resentment.

HOW THE TERM “TALL POPPY SYNDROME” ORIGINATED 

There are many mythical stories about the origins of the term “Tall Poppy Syndrome”.

In one such apocryphal story – a young son of a King conquers a new land.

The young son asks the King for advice on how to deal with the newly conquered kingdom.

The King – who is strolling in the garden in a grove of poppies – draws his sword – and – with his sword – the King strikes off the heads of the tallest poppies in the grove.

The King’s son gets the message – and he methodically proceeds to kill all the prominent men (the “tallest poppies”) in the newly conquered land.

Once the influential men are eliminated – the son is able to easily govern the conquered land.

The term “Tall Poppy Syndrome” may have been probably derived from this apocryphal story.

Another fable hints that the underlying premise of the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” is that the tallest plants be cut down to the same size of all the others (cutting down to size)

So – in today’s world – “Tall Poppying” successful persons means trying to “cut them down to size”.

Don’t we see examples of the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” all around us…?

I saw plenty of instances of the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” in the Defence Services – where career prospects are limited due to the pyramidal hierarchy structure – and – it is very difficult to get promoted to high rank – which results in a large number of deserving officers getting “superseded” or “passed over” for promotion.

Many “superseded” officers feel a sense of resentment and envy towards their successful course-mates and try to “Tall Poppy” them.

You will see plenty of examples of the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” everywhere – in politics, in the corporate sector, in society, in families and personal life too.

The “Tall Poppy Syndrome” manifests at the societal level too.

One example is the cultural resentment against “migrants” who are more “successful” than the original inhabitants of a country.

Information Technology has been a catalyst in proliferation of the “Tall Poppy Syndrome”.

Nowadays – the Social Media has become a ubiquitous medium for “Tall Poppying”

People can easily express their resentment against “successful” persons on the Social Media – and such online “Tall Poppying” of an individual on the Social Media can go “viral” very fast and have a devastating effect on the victim.

What is the root cause of the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” …?

Is the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” a manifestation of “Crab Mentality” …?

(If I can’t have it – neither can you)

Or – is it an offshoot of “The Dog in the Manger” Syndrome …?

(People frequently begrudge something to others – that they themselves cannot enjoy. 

Even if it does them no good – they won’t let others have it – like the mythical dog in fable – the dog in the manger – who did not eat the grain – but – who nevertheless prevented the horse from eating the grain either...)

Or – is it just basic human nature…?

Well – I really don’t know – but – I have been on both sides of the fence as far as the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” syndrome is concerned.

Dear Reader:

Have you experienced the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” – as a “victim” – or – as a “perpetrator”…? 

Do you feel a sense of resentment against successful people...? 

If you are a successful person – do you feel others are hostile towards you...? 

Do tell us about it. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved) 

Repost of My Article Written By Me in 04 Feb 2017 and Posted on My Blogs. Links to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/02/tall-poppy-syndrome.html  and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/02/04/immigration-tall-poppy-syndrome/  and https://www.quora.com/profile/Vikram-Karve/Writing-by-VIKRAM-KARVE/Human-Behavior-Psychology-%E2%80%93-Tall-Poppy-Syndrome etc 

Effective Communication – Harmony of Mental Filters

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION 

ARE YOU IN SYNC WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE TALKING TO...?
MENTAL FILTERS AND COMMUNICATION MISMATCH 
Musings
By
VIKRAM KARVE

THE 6 MESSAGES IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

Suppose you are talking to someone – say your colleague – or your spouse – or your kid – or your friend – or even a stranger. 

Communication is a two way process. 

Assume that there are two of you talking to each other – engaging in interpersonal communication. 

Now – when you speak to someone you – will be watching her – and observing her body language. 

Similarly – she in turn will be doing the same.

So interpersonal communication will comprise not only verbal speech – but non-verbal cues as well. 

Let us assume that you say something to the person in front of you – and she says something back to you in reply. 

There will be six messages present in this person-to-person communication process:

1. What you MEAN to say

2. What you ACTUALLY say

3. What the other person HEARS

4. What the other person THINKS is heard

5. What the other person SAYS

6. What you THINK the other person says

Interpretation of Communication (deriving messages from a communication) depends on many factors ranging from intellectual to emotional to cognitive - all these factors constitute your MENTAL FILTER.

How you interpret a communication depends on your mental filters at that point of time which, apart from your intellectual, emotional and cognitive aspects, is also governed by various factors like your mood, quality and type of relationship with the other person, the environment in which the communication is taking place.

And it is similar for the other person talking to you.

In order to reduce communication mismatch, it is essential that your mental filter is in sync with the person talking to you and vice versa. 

Otherwise there will be ambiguities in the messages exchanged and this may have undesirable ramifications, and, at times, may even lead to discord and conflict.


AN EXAMPLE OF HOW MENTAL FILTERS DISTORT MESSAGES IN A COMMUNICATION DUE TO SELECTIVE INTERPRETATION


Let me try to explain this with an illustrative example: 

Imagine that a husband and wife are driving right across Pune from Wakad to Koregaon Park – one evening – for a party.

Their car crawls at snail’s pace in the heavy traffic on the busy crowded roads of Pune – a city where traffic is the worst nightmare – especially in peak hours like evenings. 

The car is waiting at a red traffic signal.

Suddenly – the traffic signal turns green – and the wife says to her husband: 

“The signal has become green...!!!”

Now – in his mind’s eye – the husband can interpret this simple communication from his wife in a number of ways.

The way in which he interprets this simple statement made by his wife – it depends on his mental filter at that point of time. 

The husband’s response to his wife’s simple statement will depend on how he interprets his wife’s communication – which in turn will depend on his mental filter at the point of time. 

Here are a few examples of how the husband will interpret his wife’s simple communication (“The signal has become green...!”) – and how he may reply back to his wife. 

Dear Reader – remember – the wife had said to her husband: 

“The signal has become green...!!!” 

1. One husband may think his wife means to say: 

“Can’t you see...? The traffic light has turned green...!!!”

So he may retort angrily to his wife:  

“Of course I can see ... I am not blind...!!!”

(Remember – the wife had merely said:  

“The signal has become green...!!!” 

The wife never stated that her husband is blind)

2. Another husband may think his wife is hurrying him up – and he may interpret the meaning of what his wife’s communication as: 

“Come on, you slow-poke – hurry up – we are already late...” 

On interpreting his wife’s communication in this fashion – the husband may snap back at his wife: 

“Don’t unnecessarily hustle me – let me drive properly...!!!”

(Remember – the wife had merely said:  

“The signal has become green...!!!” 

The wife never stated that her husband is a slow-poke and drives too slowly) 

3. A third “hen-pecked” husband may assume that his wife has started off her nagging again.

So – this husband will say irritably to his wife: 

 “Stop your nagging and backseat driving – why don’t you drive the car yourself instead of passing comments...?”

(Remember – the wife had merely said: 

“The signal has become green...!!!”

The wife just wanted to draw the attention of her husband to the traffic signal – she had no intention of nagging him)  

Now – in each of these 3 cases – on hearing her husband’s remarks – the wife may: 

1. She may choose to remain silent 

or 

2. She may “appropriately” respond to the husband’s comments and give him a “fitting” reply

If she decides to retort – the husband may reply back – and then the conversation will go on and on – and the result will be that – more “heat” – and less “light” – is generated.

What if a husband just ignores the wife’s remarks...? 

Suppose he remains silent and says nothing...?

Well – the wife may interpret her husband’s silence in a number of ways depending on her mental filter – and she will respond accordingly – and say something to her husband again. 

Or – she too may remain silent – resulting in breakdown of “verbal communication” – though – “non-verbal communication” may continue.

(Remember – SILENCE is a very effective way of conveying non-verbal messages – and sometimes – silence can be quite powerful too – like they say – “a deafening silence”...!!!)

Whichever way the wife chooses to give her husband a “fitting” reply – this may provoke the husband further – and the “communication” cycle will continue. 


HARMONY OF MENTAL FILTERS FOR EFFECTIVE INTER-PERSONAL COMMUNICATION
HOW TO BE IN SYNC WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE COMMUNICATING WITH

Interpretation of communication – drawing inferences – it all depends on your “mental filters” –doesn’t it...? 

Your mental filters “colour” your cognition – and they influence (bias or prejudice) your interpretation of the message in a communication.

The sine qua non for Effective Communication is Harmony of Mental Filters. 

If there is a Mismatch in Mental Filters – the result is Misinterpretation of Messages – due to interpreting “implied meanings” – where there were none.

Like we highlighted in the example of communication between husband and wife – repeated misinterpretation of communication can snowball and spiral into an unhealthy communication cycle – and can damage inter-personal relationships – both at work and at home. 

For example – in a marriage – repeated misinterpretation of mutual communication between husband and wife – due to mismatch in mental filters – may cause disharmony in the relationship – and lead to marital discord – which in turn may snowball into disastrous consequences – and which can – in extremis – even lead to breakdown of the marriage.

So – before you communicate with someone – at work and at home – make sure that your “mental filters” are in “sync” with each other (mutually synchronized).

Otherwise – when you talk to someone – you will mean something – but – the other person will interpret something else – and this may create serious misunderstandings.

Remember: 

There are 6 messages present in person-to-person communication process: 

1. What you MEAN to say

2. What you ACTUALLY say

3. What the other person HEARS

4. What the other person THINKS is heard

5. What the other person SAYS

6. What you THINK the other person says

So – Dear Reader – when you are talking to someone – both of you must make sure that you are in perfect sync with each other – so that there is no ambiguity or confusion – and you achieve seamless effective inter-personal communication.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:

1. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

Abridged and updated of my article on Effective Communication by Vikram Karve posted in my blog. 

Here is the url link to my original post in this blog: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/09/are-you-in-sync-with-person-you-are.html and https://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/04/effective-communication_20.html etc

How to deal with Resentment

IS IT EASY TO “FORGIVE AND FORGET”…?

How to deal with Resentment

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Resentment means “bitter indignation” due to unjust, unfair or deceitful treatment.

Resentment (a sense of bitterness) occurs because of “perceived injustice” in the past.

Humans are sensitive emotional entities – so – for most of us – in many cases– perceptions matter more than facts.

Resentment is a bitter emotion that has its origins in the past.

The word “resentment” derives from two Latin words:

“re” (meaning “back”) + “sentire” (meaning “to feel”)

Thus – resentment is a feeling due to something that has happened in the past (going “back” in time).

Resentment develops because of your non-acceptance of something that has already happened in your past life.

Resentment comprises “emotional rehashing” – an attempt to “wipe out” the “perceived injustice” that has already happened – but – such attempts to eradicate the “wrongs” from your past life – they do not work – because – you are attempting to do the impossible – you cannot change your past.

Since the event which is causing resentment has already happened in the past – it cannot be undone – so – the “root cause” for resentment cannot be corrected – what has happened has happened – and – you cannot do anything about it.

Resentment is a way of consoling yourself that you have been wronged and unfairly treated – and – as a “victim of injustice” – you are “morally superior” to the person who has “wronged” you.

Resentment causes “self-pity” – and – you begin to picture yourself as a wronged person – a “victim” – who was destined to be unhappy.

Resentment can become an “emotional habit” – and – you may habitually start feeling that you are a continual “victim of injustice” – and – you will picture yourself as a “victimized person” who has been “wronged” in life.

Once you infected by the virus of resentment – in your daily life – you will begin to “search” for “injustices” – to feed your resentment even more.

I have observed that – resentful persons feel “good” only when they are miserable.

Resentment affects your “self-image” and “self-esteem”.

As long as you harbour resentment – it will be difficult for you to picture yourself as a self-confident happy person.

As I said – resentment has its origins in past events – and – you cannot change the past – the only way to deal with resentment is in the present – here and now.

In most cases – your resentment may be towards the person who has caused you the “injustice”.

In such cases – the most popular advice is to “forgive and forget”.

But – this is easier said than done.

Certain things/persons can be forgiven – and – these will not cause you resentment.

But – certain things/persons cannot be forgiven – and – these will cause you resentment.

It varies from person to person – and – those things that you cannot forgive – those “unforgivable” wrongs/injustices – they will cause resentment in you.

Yes – it is these “unforgivable” wrongs/injustices which create resentment in you.

Resentment means that you cannot “forgive and forget” that particular “unjust” thing or the person who has “wronged” you.

But – you can try and mitigate your resentment. 

One practical way of mitigating resentment is to identify the “anchors” which cause you resentment – and then – avoiding those resentment-causing “anchors” (stimulus) – by distancing them from your life.

For example – if your resentment is due to a certain person who has “wronged” you – or has caused you “injustice” – you will feel resentful every time you see that person (though you may “fake” emotions of “forced geniality” for the sake of social graces).

If a certain person is responsible for your resentment – and – if that person is around you all the time – your resentment will worsen.

In such cases – if possible – it is best to remove that person from your life – or – distance yourself from the person responsible for your resentment.

The  “out of sight” = “out of mind”  dictum does work – and – once you are in a new environment – far away from the source of your resentment – you will experience that your resentment will dissipate.

In some cases – your resentment may be associated with an organization or place – so – the best solution is to quit the organization or relocate from that place. 

Introspect – and – identify the entity that is causing you resentment – and then – try to distance yourself from that “toxic” entity. 

Let me give you some hypothetical examples – apocryphal stories:

A man and a woman had an extramarital affair – they were both married to someone else.

There were two “victims” of the adulterous relationship – the respective spouses of the “perpetrators” of the adultery – the “cuckolded” husband of the unfaithful wife – and – the deceived wife of the unfaithful husband.

The deceived wife decided to “forgive and forget”.

She continued to live with her “unfaithful” husband – and – she continued with her married life – as if nothing had happened

The cuckolded husband could not “forgive” his unfaithful wife for her betrayal of “sacrosanct” marital trust.

He divorced his disloyal “adulterous” wife – and – he decided to “move on” in life.

Believing in the  “out of sight” = “out of mind”  dictum – he asked for a transfer – he physically relocated to a new place – then – took up a new job and migrated overseas to begin a new life abroad.

He broke contact with his ex-wife – and – he focused on enjoying his new life – and – his positive forward-looking attitude helped him mitigate the resentment caused by the sordid episode.

He delinked the “anchors” linked to his resentment.

He had overcome his resentment and there was no bitterness in him.

He had got over the sordid episode and he was happy with his new life.

Now – let us see what happened to the deceived wife of the adulterous husband.

Though outwardly – she had “forgiven” her unfaithful husband – in her heart – she still harboured great resentment against her husband for betraying her and having an extramarital affair.

When she came to know that her husband was involved in an extramarital affair – she was devastated by his infidelity – and – she wanted to divorce him.

However – her own parents/in-laws/family/relatives put great pressure on her to “reconcile” with her husband – her unfaithful husband begged forgiveness – and – everyone asked her to “forgive and forget” – and – to continue her marriage.

Though outwardly – it seemed that she had “forgiven and forgotten” – in her heart – she was still resentful of her husband for his act of adultery – and – you could discern that she was still harbouring resentment inside her.

Though she wore a “mask” and tried to “fake” happiness – there was a strange sadness in her eyes – she was no longer her earlier bubbly and gregarious self – from time to time – she disparaged her husband and reminded him of his “sin” – whenever she had an argument with him – and – it was clear that she despised her husband due to the resentment caused by his adulterous act of having an extramarital affair.

Despite her resentment towards her husband – she continued to live with him – and – this resentment had made her life miserable.

She was well qualified – she had a good job – and – she was financially independent – so – she could have divorced her husband – moved on in life – mitigated her resentment – and – become happy – just like her counterpart “victim” of the extramarital affair – the “cuckolded” husband.

But – she chose to continue living with her unfaithful husband – due to social pressure – and – under the false belief that “time is a great healer”.

Time is a great healer.

But – “Time” alone – may not heal resentment.

You may require “space” to mitigate your resentment.

Of course – as I said earlier – it varies from person to person.

Maybe – there are some “broadminded” spouses – who may not feel resentful – if their spouses had an extramarital affair – which – they may consider a “minor indiscretion”.

On the contrary – some persons may feel resentful for what most others may consider “small misdemeanours”.

Resentment can happen in all relationships – personal and professional.

Even at work – you may feel that you have been unfairly treated – or – feel a sense of mistrust – this may cause resentment towards your boss or the entire organization.

I remember – in the Navy (and Army, Air Force too) – many deserving officers get “passed over” for promotion due to the steep hierarchical pyramid unique to the military.

Hence – many officers get “superseded” at a relatively young age despite being professionally competent.

Some superseded officers “forgive and forget” – and – they continue the military life without any resentment – and – they remain happy and healthy.

Most superseded officers cannot “forgive and forget” – and – they feel a sense of resentment towards the organization (Army/Navy/Air Force/Defence Services).

Of these – some officers resign and quit the Navy/Army/AirForce – and – they “move on” to a second career in the civilian world.

By distancing themselves from their earlier organization/environment – these officers mitigate their resentment in due course.

However – some resentful officers remain in the Army/Navy/AirForce – and – they become more and more bitter and rancorous day by day.

These resentful officers not only make their own lives miserable due to their resentment – but they also spread unpleasantness and negativity in the environment – and generate “toxic” vibes which have a demoralizing effect on everyone in their vicinity.

Some superseded officers become “bloody-minded” as their resentment makes them spiteful and acrimonious.

Others wallow in “self-pity” as they feel that they are “victims” of injustice.

Some of these “self-pity” type superseded officers try to “drown their sorrows” in alcohol and slip into the abyss of alcoholism.

The become alcoholics, destroy their own health and ruin the lives of their families.

Resentment can make you miserable – and – in extremis – if you allow resentment to grow within you – your resentment can overwhelm you – and – even destroy you.

Remember – in your personal and professional life – you may feel that you have been cruelly “wronged” – or – gross “injustice” has been done to you.

Whenever such a thing happens – you must introspect.  

If you can “forgive and forget” – it is fine

But – in case you cannot “forgive and forget” – it is best to move on – and try to mitigate your resentment.

Remember – each person is different.

Something that causes resentment in one person – that same thing may not cause resentment in someone else.

So – when something demoralizing happens – and if you feel that you have been “wronged” by someone and you are a “victim” of injustice – you should introspect – whether you can “forgive and forget” – or – whether it is “unforgivable” and will give rise to resentment in you.

And then – you can act accordingly.

Dear Reader – let me conclude by saying:

Once a relationship is contaminated by resentment – it is best to end the resentful relationship.

Yes – if you cannot “forgive and forget” – rather than let resentment make your life miserable and worsen your relationship – if feasible – isn’t it better to “break up” – rather than try to make a pretence of a “patch-up”...? 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. These are my personal views. They may or may not work for everyone. Please exercise your own due diligence in your life. 

2. It is easy to preach, but difficult to practice what you preach. I try my best to practice what I preach (and preach what I practice) to the extent feasible.

3. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)
Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/02/is-it-easy-to-forgive-and-forget.html

© vikram karve., all rights reserved