Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve

Sunday, December 2, 2012

CHANGE YOUR WIFE

DELIGHTFUL MEMORIES OF MY HALCYON NAVY DAYS – Part 8

CHANGE YOUR WIFE
An Apocryphal Story

A Naval Yarn

VIKRAM KARVE

Whenever I muse over the timeline of my life and ask myself which were the best days of my life, there is only one answer – my Navy days.

I will never forget those glorious Navy days – the best period in my life.

My early days in the Navy, in the 1970s and 1980s, were indeed the happiest days of my life. No doubt about it. The Navy was an exciting place to be in, life was good and there was never a dull moment. Something was always happening, and I came across a variety of unique personalities – yes, exciting situations and inimitable characters.

Young officers were expected to “Jack of all Trades and Master of One”.

Unlike most of our civilian counterparts we were not put into a professional straitjacket but encouraged to develop multifarious skills and “Officer Like Qualities” (OLQ) which resulted in a well-rounded personality.

Hence, during my career in the Navy I had to do a lot of “bum jobs” like Mess Secretary, Wine Secretary, Food and Snack Bar Manager, Officer in Charge Poultry and Piggery, Officer in Charge of Dairy and Grow More Food Farms, Sports Manager, Audit and Accounts, Librarian, Event Manager and Organizer of all sorts of events ranging from Parties and Balls to Melas and Fleet Family Days. These jobs were in addition to our professional work and we were expected to excel in both our professional and extra-curricular duties.

On one such occasion I was a member of a Quartering Committee whose task was to allot houses and deal with all housing matters.

There was a rule that a you could ask for a change of house after you had lived in a particular house for six months.

Owning to the acute shortage of accommodation, it took almost an year to be allotted your proper entitled accommodation and since a tenure in a station was about three years most officers just stayed on in the house allotted to them for the remaining two years till they were transferred out.

Only if there were very serious problems did someone ask for a change of house since relocating was quite a laborious and painful task and involved a lot of hassles like shifting your bag and baggage, disconnection and connection of electricity, cooking gas, informing one and all of the change of address, change of school bus for the kids and getting the house done up etc. So everyone preferred to stay on in whichever house they were given till they were transferred out.

“R” was different. He religiously applied for a change of accommodation the moment six months were over.

Actually he was so lucky to have been allotted a lovely sea facing flat on Marine Drive but the moment six months were over he applied for a change of accommodation.

“Why?” I asked him, “You have the best place. It is near your office, your kids’ school bus picks them up from your doorstep, it is so well connected, and look at the fantastic location – the best in Mumbai…”

“My wife doesn’t like the house. She says there is too much noise from the traffic. She wants a change,” he said.

He was allotted a house in Malabar Hill – an independent bungalow. Everyone said he was so lucky to get a huge mansion in a prime locality.

After six months he asked for a change.

“Why?” I asked him, “Last time you changed because of the traffic noise. I am sure the bungalow must be quiet and peaceful.”

“That’s the problem. My wife is fed up of the silence and she complains that she feels too lonely. There are no neighbours, no friends.”

We gave him a house in a multi-storey apartment block in the main township where there would be plenty of neighbours and friends and all the facilities.

Six months later, he again applied for a change. He told me that his wife said the place was too crowded and there was no privacy.

This went on and on, as his wife was never satisfied with any house. She always found some fault or the other.

When he applied for a change for the sixth time I could not contain myself any longer so I bluntly told him: “Listen to me. Don’t bother changing your house every time. Instead of changing your house just change your wife. With a good wife any house will be good and with a wife like yours, even the best house will be hell…”

“R” never talked to me after that. But someone told me that he did indeed heed my advice and now he never asks for a change of accommodation.

Think about it, Dear Reader.

Harmony is the sine qua non for a happy and content life.

It is inner peace that matters.

If you want to enjoy music, even the best and most expensive music system is useless if your mind is disturbed.

But if you are at peace with yourself you can enjoy music even on a simple radio - like I enjoy those melodious oldie-goldies on Vividh Bharati on my simple cell-phone radio.

If you feel unhappy, frustrated or if you are not able to enjoy the feast of life to its fullest, you must introspect and get down to the root cause instead of short term peripheral quick-fix solutions.

The anecdote I related about the house may have been in a lighter vein, but it is profound in meaning - if you don’t like your “home” just change your “wife”.

Now that you know the secret of how to make your home a Happy Home, any House can be a Happy Home.

And, on a broader level, I have told you the sine qua non of how to enjoy the feast of life too.

Once you are in a state of inner peace you will be in harmony with yourself and even the smallest pleasures will make you happy.

On the contrary, if you are in a disturbed state of mind then even the greatest pleasures will not give you joy.

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

Did you like reading this article?
I am sure you will like all the 27 stories in my recently published book of short stories COCKTAIL
To order your COCKTAIL please click any of the links below:
http://www.flipkart.com/cocktail-vikram-karve-short-stories-book-8191091844?affid=nme
http://www.indiaplaza.in/cocktail-vikram-karve/books/9788191091847.htm
http://www.apkpublishers.com/books/short-stories/cocktail-by-vikram-karve.html
COCKTAIL ebook
If you prefer reading ebooks on Kindle or your ebook reader, please order Cocktail E-book by clicking the links below:
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87925

Foodie Book: Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
http://www.flipkart.com/appetite-stroll-vikram-karve/8190690094-gw23f9mr2o

About Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.

Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
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Email: vikramwamankarve@gmail.com

Oldie Godie TALAASH - For Old Times Sake

I am going to watch the recently released movie TALAASH soon.
Do you know there was an earlier film called Talash also?
Here is a lovely song from the earlier movie called TALASH.
Click and enjoy:

SOOTHING MELODY - Tum Bin Saajan Barse Nayan - Gaban [1966]

Just heard this lovely song on Vividh Bharati.
Let me share it with you. Click and enjoy:

HOW TO PREVENT A HANGOVER

HOW TO PREVENT A HANGOVER

Musings on the Art of Drinking

VIKRAM KARVE

THE “MORNING-AFTER” THE “NIGHT-BEFORE”

A Hangover is a terrible experience.

You wake up in the morning with a throbbing headache, you feel a disgusting nausea and you may even throw-up and vomit, your mouth becomes dry due to dehydration, your whole body aches and you feel dizzy and sometimes your hands tremble and you experience the “shakes”.

You curse yourself for drinking so much at the party the previous night.

You know that the more you “enjoy” on the “night-before” the more miserable you feel on the “morning-after”.

A hangover is the best way to ruin your Sunday morning after your weekend partying.

But despite this you repeat the same binge-drinking at the next party and you land up suffering a hangover on the morning-after.

Drink-Hangover-Drink-Hangover - it is a vicious cycle that seems to become the rule with your partying.

But how do you stop this vicious circle of drinking and hangover?

Your friends tell you about so-called “cures” for a hangover - like the “hair of the dog” - but soon you realize that nothing works and the only thing you can do is suffer in silence and “sleep out” the hangover.

There is a saying: “Prevention is Better than Cure”.

This applies to hangovers too.

How do you prevent a hangover?

The sure-shot way to avoid a hangover is to stop drinking alcohol and become a strict teetotaller.

But obviously you don’t want to to that and give up all your enjoyment and your partying and social life.

You want to enjoy drinking but you also want to ensure that you do not get a hangover the next morning.

The aim of drinking alcohol is to feel good.

If I ask you “Why do you drink?” you will say that you drink because you want to “feel good”.

So, whenever you drink you must drink enough to raise your spirits and feel good.

There is no point in drinking so little that you do not feel anything.

Yes, you must drink enough to feel good but you must also make sure you do not get a hangover next morning.

HOW TO PREVENT A HANGOVER

HOW TO DRINK TO AVOID A HANGOVER

So how do you enjoy your drinks yet prevent a hangover on the “morning after”?

It is simple.

Just follow these 2 steps:

1. DRINK ONE GLASS OF WATER BEFORE YOUR FIRST DRINK

and

2. DRINK ONE GLASS OF WATER AFTER YOUR LAST DRINK

Before you have your first drink, have a glass of water, cool down and then start drinking.

It is a good idea to have plenty of snacks while drinking.

After your drinking session is over have a nice cool glass of water.

Then, proceed for having your dinner.

Do not drink alcohol with your meal or after your meal. Yes, you must avoid drinking any type of alcoholic beverages while eating your main meal - even wines are best avoided if you want to prevent hangover. If you feel thirsty while having your meal drink water.

After your dinner, make sure you eat dessert or pudding, especially a milk-based dessert like ice cream.

Then, end your meal with a glass of water.

Never have after-dinner drinks like liqueurs or brandy if you have had alcoholic drinks before dinner.

In case you are fond of liqueurs do enjoy them after a relaxed meal which has not been preceded or accompanied by alcohol.

One more tip.

During your drinking session if you ever feel tipsy all you have to do is to just interrupt your drinking and have a glass of cold water.

Then, if you feel okay, resume your drinking.

If you still experience tipsiness, keep drinking cold water till your drunkenness disappears and you feel a bit good again.

Remember, the aim of drinking alcohol is not to get drunk - the aim of drinking is to feel nice.

WHAT TO DRINK TO AVOID A HANGOVER

Your drink must match the “colour” in the sky on top of you at the time of the day.

In the mornings it is best to drink light coloured liquor like like Vodka, Gin, White Rum, Coconut Feni etc

As the day progresses and the afternoon approaches drinks like beer and bright cocktails are suitable.

As the sun goes down and the evening approaches, you will relish blended Whisky with plenty of bubbly Soda in the evening as a sundowner with the setting sun in the twilight.

As the night darkens, there is nothing to beat dark Rum.

You can drink your Rum neat, or with water as Rum-Pani, or have Rum and Coke.

If you prefer Whisky, sip neat single-malt Whisky to get you into a mellow mood.

And if you like the taste of good Brandy you may like to savour a drink of neat rich Brandy at night.

I always drank my whisky or rum with plenty of water and avoided cocktails and “down-the-hatch” shots.

I will advise you to avoid “shots” and binge drinking.

Also, you must never “down-the-hatch” your glass or gulp your drink in a hurry.

If you are drinking a rich brandy or single malt whisky neat, drink unhurriedly, take a small sip, close your eyes and roll the liquor on your tongue, in a relaxed manner, savour every sip till the alcohol is absorbed within you and relish the feeling as it slowly warms your insides and elevates your spirits

Remember the saying:

मज़ा लेना है पीने का तो कम कम धीरे धीरे पी

HANGOVER-FREE DRINKING

Try this technique the next time you drink:

Have a glass of cold water before your first peg

and

remember to have a glass of cold water after your last drink.

This is a sure-fire way to feel good on the “night-before” but avoid a hangover on the “morning after”.

Breathtaking in its simplicity, isn’t it?

This two glasses of water technique works – you can take my word for it.

Try this and you will never have a hangover again.

So if you must drink, enjoy the experience and make sure you feel good - but make sure that you prevent that hangover.

Cheers … !!!

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

ZAN ZAR ZAMEEN - A Murder Mystery

Weekend Fiction

Motive for Murder
ZAN ZAR ZAMEEN

Short Fiction – A Murder Mystery

VIKRAM KARVE

From my Creative Writing Archives:

There is a saying in Urdu:

Har qatl di e jar zan zar zameen

(The motive for every murder is because of woman, money or land)

Think about it.

Zan (love for a woman) or Zar (greed for money) or Zameen (dispute over land and property) - these are the root causes behind murder, aren’t they?

Here is a short fiction story - a murder story I wrote around six months ago.

What is the motive for murder?

Is it Zan?

Or is it Zar?

Or is it Zameen?

Read on and discover for yourself.

ZAN ZAR ZAMEEN

Short Fiction – A Murder Story

VIKRAM KARVE

“A man dies in suspicious circumstances. You arrest another man for his murder. Then the murder-suspect dies in the lock-up. And you close the case,” Rita says.

“That’s what happened,” I say.

“Well, the higher-ups are not happy with your closure report,” she says matter-of-factly, “they feel you should have delved more deeply, investigated the case a bit more thoroughly.”

“It is an open and shut case. What is there left to investigate? And, Rita, you were there yourself when all this happened.”

“I know. But the guys who died were top officers – influential men. The powers-that-be are concerned. The boss wants me to go over the case once more with you before he approves the closure report.”

I say nothing, remain silent.

“Sir, I know I am one batch junior to you and that you have independent charge, so if you feel that I …”

“No. No. It’s not that…” I say hurriedly, “it’s okay. I have no problem. After all you are head of the crime branch in headquarters.”

“And I am tipped to take over from you.”

“You? You’re going to take over from me? Where am I going?”

“Don’t you know? Well, I am not supposed to tell you, but once this is all over, most likely you’re heading for a coveted foreign assignment.”

“I’m going abroad?”

“That’s what the boss told me, in strictest confidence,” Rita says, “he told me to discuss the case with you and satisfy myself and the moment I submitted my report, he would close this pending case and relieve you so that you can hand over your duties to me and fly off across the seas.”

“Thanks for the good news. Let’s get this over with fast. Tell me, how should we go about it?”

“Sir, just tell me what happened. I’ll take your word for it.”

“The murder happened on Barren Island. As the name indicates, it is indeed a desolate uninhabited island. There’s nothing over there. Except the volcano – that’s what these guys had ostensibly come to see. There is the barren island, the volcano, the springs, the lovely beach and the site office-cum-guesthouse which we activate for such VIP visits – bloody work-cum-pleasure trips, having a good time under the pretext of work.”

“Your report says that there were only six people on Barren Island on that fateful night.”

“That’s right – you know it. Joshi, the chief scientist who was murdered was in Room No. 1 and his deputy Sharma, the murderer, was next door in Room No. 2. You, the liaison officer, were in Room no. 3. The technocrat couple Mr. and Mrs. Krishnan were in Room No. 4. And I, the camp in-charge, was in Room No. 5 – that’s all.”

“No one else? Guest House Staff? Cooks? Security staff? Boat crew?”

“I sent them back to Port Blair and told them to come in the morning. We wanted some privacy, a cosy party all by ourselves on the beach. Besides I wanted the staff to enjoy their New Year’s Eve with their families. Come on, Rita, you know all that. You were there yourself.”

“Just checking,” she says, “and when did you all turn in?”

“Well, the Krishnan’s were the first to go to bed, immediately after midnight – they were quite drunk, both of them. And then you left, saying you were tired and wanted to get up early in the morning.”

“And then?”

“We drank for an hour or so – and I was feeling quite high, so I came back to the guest house and went to sleep – but the two scientists kept on drinking – in fact, when I asked them to come with me, I remember them saying that they wanted to lie down on the beach and drink till sunrise.”

“And next morning, Joshi’s body is found floating in the sea.”

“Yes. The body had strangulation marks around te neck.”

“So you carry out an investigation and arrest Sharma on charges of murder.”

“I had a post mortem done in Port Blair. The time of death was around 3 AM.”

“So?”

“You were in your room, the Krishnan’s were in their room, I was in my room – only Sharma was with Joshi on the beach. Sharma had no alibi. Among all of us, Sharma was the only one without an alibi.”

“Did you ask him where he was? Did you try and interrogate him? Did you try and get a confession?”

“Sharma just kept mum like a zombie. He did not answer anything – he refused to give a statement. That’s why I …”

“That’s why you gave him Sodium Pentothal. Sir, you know you can’t do this on your own – you have to take the court’s permission.”

“A wee bit of truth serum never hurt anyone…”

“But he died.”

“I didn’t know Sharma would react this way. I thought he was a tough cookie. I’d watched him trek, swim, climb the steep slope of the volcano. You should have seen the way he was drinking and eating at the party,” I say, “and I wanted to get to the bottom of this case – I wanted to find out the motive behind the murder.”

“Motive? Your Zan Zar Zameen theory, Sir?” Rita asked with a grimace on her face.

“It was a case of Zan – a woman.”

“Zan?” Rita says, looking quite astonished.

“Yes. I got a lead. Don’t ask me how?”

“Your batch-mate, in Delhi…”

“Maybe. But that is not important. What is important is that Joshi was Sharma’s direct boss and that Sharma was having a affair with Joshi’s wife.”

“So he murdered him? But why?”

“That’s what I was trying to find out with a bit of truth serum but the bugger collapsed and died.”

“Well I don’t know about the motive but I can say with surety that Sharma did not kill Joshi.”

“Then who murdered Joshi?”

“I don’t know,” Rita says, “you said that you arrested Sharma because he was the only one without an alibi. But actually Sharma had a cast iron alibi.”

“What?”

“Let’s go through it once again,” Rita says looking into my eyes, “the Krishnan’s leave the party just after midnight, I leave shortly afterwards – I remember the exact time – I clearly remember looking at my watch and the wall clock – I reached my room at 12:30. Tell me, do you remember the exact time you left the beach and returned to your room?”

“I told you I was quite high and don’t remember exactly. We drank for an hour or so. So maybe I came back to my room at around 1 o’clock or maybe 1:30 or at the most 2.”

“You are wrong. Sharma came back at 1 o’clock, not you.”

“What?”

“I told you that Sharma had a cast iron alibi. Sharma came to my room at 1 o’clock. He was with me in my room the whole night. In bed. Making love to me. Then he went to his room at 5 in the morning, just as the sun was rising, before everyone got up, and the boat ferrying the staff came at 6 o’clock, and they discovered Joshi’s dead body floating in the sea, ” Rita says.

Then she looks at me and asks me, “do you understand what I am saying?”

“You are implying that I murdered Joshi,” I say, my heartbeat rising.

Rita does not say anything, but she looks at me with a strange expression, a look of scorn combined with pity.

I look at Rita and say, “But tell me, why should I murder Joshi, what is my motive?”

“Your motive for committing murder? Well, I really don’t know. You will have to ask yourself - is it Zan or Zar or Zameen ?” she remarks.

Then Rita looks me in the eye and she says, “but now the onus is on you to prove your innocence.”

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

Did you like reading this story?
I am sure you will like all the 27 stories in my book COCKTAIL an anthology of Short Fiction.
To order your COCKTAIL please click any of the links below:
http://www.flipkart.com/cocktail-vikram-karve-short-stories-book-8191091844?affid=nme
http://www.indiaplaza.in/cocktail-vikram-karve/books/9788191091847.htm
http://www.apkpublishers.com/books/short-stories/cocktail-by-vikram-karve.html
COCKTAIL ebook
If you prefer reading ebooks on Kindle or your ebook reader, please order Cocktail E-book by clicking the links below:
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87925

Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve

Sunday, December 2, 2012

CHANGE YOUR WIFE

Oldie Godie TALAASH - For Old Times Sake

SOOTHING MELODY - Tum Bin Saajan Barse Nayan - Gaban [1966]

HOW TO PREVENT A HANGOVER

Saturday, December 1, 2012

ZAN ZAR ZAMEEN - A Murder Mystery

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