Dear
Reader:
Suppose
a stranger says to you:
“My wife loves you…”
What will you do…?
Well –
I don’t know what I will do – since no one has said that to me – as yet.
Now –
Dear Reader – tell me:
What
will you do – if a stranger says to you:
“My wife hates you….”
It
happened to me a few days ago.
Let me
tell you about it.
TWITTER WARRIORS
Fiction
Short Story
By
VIKRAM KARVE
PART 1
I was sitting in happy solitude on a
comfortable sofa in a cosy corner of the spacious bar of my elite club enjoying
a whisky-soda and tweeting on my smartphone.
It was 7 PM – the bar had just opened – and I
was the only person in the bar (besides the barman).
A young gentleman walked in.
He ordered a drink at the bar.
While his drink was being prepared – he
looked in my direction.
He seemed to be looking at me intently – as
if he knew me.
But – I did not recognise him.
The gentleman picked up his drink – and he
walked towards me.
The young gentleman said to me: “Good
Evening, Sir…”
“Good Evening…” I said, “please sit down…”
The young gentleman said “Thank You, Sir”
– and he sat down opposite me.
Then – he looked at me and said: “Sir – by
any chance – are you…?” (He mentioned my name)
“Yes…” I said, “that is my name…”
The young gentleman introduced himself.
I didn’t recall ever meeting him.
In fact – I had never heard of him before.
So – I said to him: “I am sorry – but – I
really don’t recognise you. Have we met before…?”
“No, Sir – we haven’t met before – but – my
wife knows you…” he said.
“Your wife knows me…?” I said, curious.
“Yes,
Sir. In fact – my wife hates you….” the young man said.
I was
taken aback.
I
recovered from the surprise and I said to the man: “Your wife “hates”
me…? How can you say that…? I don’t think I know your wife – or you…”
“Of
course, you know my wife…” the man said, “her twitter handle is @XXX…”
I
recognised the twitter handle he mentioned at once – @XXX – it was that
nasty “anonymous” troll who made rude, provocative and acrimonious comments on
my tweets.
From
the tone of the tweets – I had guessed that @XXX was probably an
obnoxious woman – but then – it could have been a depraved man hiding behind that
anonymous handle @XXX – which seemed “gender neutral” – in fact – it was
a rather inanimate sounding handle.
(Dear
Reader: For obvious reasons – I don’t want to reveal her actual Twitter Handle
– so – I am calling the Twitter handle @XXX…)
I
looked at the man – and I said to him: “Oh…! So – @XXX is your wife…! I
thought @XXX is a fake handle who is trolling me…”
“Trolling…?”
“Yes – this
@XXX – who you say is your wife – I am having a “Twitter Battle” with
her right now – she made some nasty comments on my tweet – so – I was
rebutting…” I said.
“Sir –
her twitter “handle” may be “anonymous” – a pseudonym – but she is very much
real…” he said.
“Yes –
you told me – @XXX is your wife…” I said.
“Sir –
I recognised you at once – from your photo on your Twitter Profile. You reveal
everything on your profile – your picture – your bio – everything is genuine –
but – she has an anonymous profile – a misleading bio…” he said.
“Oh,
Yes. And – for her Display Picture (DP) – she had a picture of a crab – then
changed it to a scorpion – and now – it is a deadly snake – a menacing cobra
with its hood open – she likes to have very vicious and aggressive DPs indeed…”
I said.
I heard
the sound of a Twitter notification.
I
picked my smartphone and looked at the screen.
It was
a tweet from @XXX.
As
usual – the tweet from @XXX was a spiteful tweet - accusing me of “running
away from the “battle” like a coward…”
I
looked at the man and I said to him: “I was talking to you – so – I didn’t
tweet for a while – and – your wife - @XXX – she has made a rather
disparaging tweet against me…”
“Yes,
Sir – I see it here…” the man said looking at his smartphone.
“You
see her tweet…?” I said, surprised.
“Sir – I follow both of you on Twitter…” he
said.
“Oh – so you are on Twitter too…!” I said.
“Yes, Sir – I am on Twitter – but I am mostly
“passive” – I just read tweets. And Sir – please don’t ask me my “Twitter
Handle” – I want to remain totally anonymous – for obvious reasons…” he said.
“Oh, Yes. In your case – I can understand.
But your wife – there are no restrictions on her – so – why does she want to
remain anonymous on Twitter – what is she afraid of…?” I said.
Suddenly – a thought came to my mind – so – I
said to the man: “Don’t tell me that she is also an officer in the…”
“No, No, Sir…” the man said, “she is a
civilian. She works here – in Mumbai – and I get posted all over the place – we
have a long-distance marriage…”
“Oh – No Wonder – I remember I had posted a
story about a “Long Distance Marriage” – and she - @XXX – your wife –
she went “rabid” – tweeting such nasty comments…” I said.
“I know, Sir – I read your story – and her
tweets too – she has very strong views on this subject – Yes, Sir – she is
quite opinionated…” he said.
“Opinionated…? That’s an understatement. I
think she is extremely rigid, prejudiced and dogmatic on some issues – almost fanatical.
And – very hot-headed too…” I said.
“Yes, Sir…” he smiled, “hot-headed and
obstinate. Who knows that better than me…!”
“I have one problem with her. Disagreeing
with my views is fine – but – there is no need to get personal. Sometimes – she
insults me very badly – she calls me all sorts of things – “bigoted” –
“chauvinist” – “hypocrite” – all sorts of terrible slurs…!” I said.
“I know, Sir…” he said, “I have seen those
“hateful” tweets. I have advised her – but she won’t listen…”
“If she “hates” me so much – why doesn’t she
block me…?” I said.
“Why don’t you ask her…?” he said.
“Is she here…?” I asked, surprised.
“Yes, Sir – she is sitting by the seaside –
tweeting away. She just had a “Twitter Battle” with you. Now – it must be with
someone else. She “fights” multiple Twitter Battles…”
“Like a multi-front war…?”
“Yes…” he said, “but I think she “enjoys” the
“Twitter Battles” with you the most – she gets totally “hyper” when she
interacts with you…”
“Really…?”
“Yes, Sir. For her – on Twitter – you are
“Enemy No. 1” – and you are probably the only one who engages her 24/7…”
“Yes. I am on Twitter all my waking hours…” I
said.
“The worst is at night…” he said.
“At night…?”
“Yes, Sir – late at night – when we are in
bed – instead of making love to me – she is engaged in “Twitter Battles” with
you…”
“Oh…” I said.
“Sir – our married life is ruined because of
your “Twitter Battles” – especially the “bouts” which extend late into the
night…” he said.
“Oh – I really didn’t imagine…” I said,
feeling contrite.
“Sir, just last night – when we were in bed –
and I was in a “romantic” mood – she suddenly saw your tweet saying that
military wives should be either homemakers or teachers – and she went “bonkers”
– berserk with anger…” he said.
“I know – it was quite an acrimonious
exchange of tweets…” I said.
“Sir, it lasted all night – your “twitter
battle” was still going on when I woke up at 2 AM for a glass of water…” he
said.
“I know…” I said, “I got quite carried away
“battling” it out with her. She lost the argument – so – as usual she started
making personal comments on me – “You are the biggest hypocrite I have seen
– a man of double standards…” – “You try to show that you are a feminist. But
actually – you are a misogynist…” – and – when I tried to make amends – she
accused me of “talking down” to her in a condescending manner…”
“I know, Sir…” he said, “I saw the exchange
of tweets in the morning…”
I finished the remains of my drink.
I saw that his glass was empty too.
“Let’s have a refill…” I said to him, “What’s
your drink…? Whisky-Soda…?”
“No. No. Sir – let’s go out – my wife must be
wondering why I am taking so long…” he said, “I’ll order drinks for all of us
and tell the barman to send them to the seaside…”
“To be frank – I’d rather not meet your
wife…” I said.
“Come on, Sir – don’t you want to meet your “Tweetheart”
…?” he said, with a mischievous smile.
“Tweetheart…!!!” I said, “are you crazy…?”
“Sir – I am curious to see what happens when
you two come face to face for the first time…” he said.
“You want to see me getting beaten up…?” I
said, “seeing how violently she hates me – I am sure she will ferociously
attack me the moment she sees me. Remember – she knows how I look – I have my latest
Photo as my Display Picture on my Twitter Profile…”
“Don’t worry, Sir – I am there with you.
Please come, Sir – I want the two of you to meet and talk – for my sake…” he
insisted, “I want a “truce” between you two…”
“Truce…? You mean a “Twitter Truce” – do
you…?
“Yes, Sir…”
“It’s easy…” I said, “I told you before. You
just tell her to “block” me – or – at least – she can “unfollow” me…”
“That’s not possible, Sir. She is “addicted”
to you…” he said.
“Addicted…?”
“Yes, Sir. And – I am sure you are “addicted”
to her too – because you too haven’t unfollowed or blocked her despite all
those insulting tweets she has tweeted against you…” he said, “Sir – people are
addicted to “love” – you two are addicted to “hate” – a “violent” relationship
– where people enjoy being nasty to each other. You are addicted to hating each
other – you enjoy hurting each other – it’s like an online version of BDSM…”
“What…? “Online BDSM”…? Are you crazy…?”
“Sorry, Sir – I just wanted to say that you hate
each other so much…”
“Well – I don’t hate her – it is she who
spews venom at me…” I said, “at least till now – she is doing it offline on
Twitter. But – if she sees me in person – she may even “bite” me viciously with
all her “venom” – remember – her latest DP is a poisonous cobra snake…!”
“Sir – please come and meet her – I assure
you that you will be absolutely safe…” he said.
“Okay…” I said, “since you are guaranteeing
my safety – let’s go and meet your wife…”
And so – I walked along with the young
gentleman – towards the seaside promenade – and I steeled myself for the
encounter with my Twitter “nemesis” – @XXX – my “Tweetheart” (as her
husband had jokingly called her).
Story to be continued in Twitter Warriors Part 2...
VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
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1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
1. This article is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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