Relationship Management : HOW TO BUILD TRUST : “Self Disclosure” builds Trust – “Secrecy” breeds Mistrust : JOHARI Window

I am quite an open person. 

My well-wishers often scold me: 

“Why do you tell everything about yourself to everyone...?” 

“To build trust...” I say. 

Yes – “Self Disclosure” builds Trust. 

On the other hand – “Secrecy” breeds Mistrust. 

Trust is most important in all relationships – Personal, Professional and Social. 

Trust is especially important in Marriage. 

In fact – Trust is more important that Love. 

“Should you tell your would-be spouse everything about your past...?”

“Should you share your sexual past with your soon-to-be spouse?”

“Should you tell your would-be spouse about your “ex”...?”

The answers are obvious – you should tell your would-be spouse everything.

But – does everyone do so...? 

Trust matters on Social Media too. 

Those who disclose more about themselves are trusted more than those who are secretive or try to hide behind anonymity. 

Here is an article I wrote many years ago on “How to Build Trust and Reduce Trust Deficit”... 

HOW TO BUILD TRUST IN RELATIONSHIPS (AND REDUCE TRUST DEFICIT)

Trust Management Using JOHARI WINDOW

By

VIKRAM KARVE

From my Academic (Management Lecture) Archives:

For many years – I used to teach and lecture on the applications of the JOHARI WINDOW in various aspects of management – especially in project management – and all facets of relationship management.

My observations for many years made me realize that one of the major problems in relationships, both personal and professional – at home and at work – is the increasing TRUST DEFICIT. 

So, a few years ago I wrote an article on how to reduce TRUST DEFICIT (and build Mutual Trust) using the JOHARI WINDOW. 

On request from an erstwhile student of mine – I am re-posting the article on application of the JOHARI WINDOW in reducing TRUST DEFICIT – which I had written long back based on my management lectures – and which I had posted on my blog a few years ago.

As always – I will appreciate your comments, views and feedback.

TRUST MATTERS

I trust people.

Depending on the way you look at it, one of my chief virtues (or shortcomings) is that I trust people. 

That is why it is easy for anyone to take me for a ride, and make an “April Fool” of me, as so many have done.

Yes – I have a trusting nature.

That’s why I did not try my hand at business.

By nature – I am an honest, straightforward, outspoken person and I like to be transparent.

I am not a “smooth operator”.

I do not have the “talent” to indulge in one-upmanship.

I do not possess the “tact” to be opaque, secretive and “diplomatic”.

It is because of my trusting nature that have I avoided taking up a profession where one has to put on a mask of pretence, hide things, indulge in mendacity and be Machiavellian to succeed.

In the Navy of yesteryear – we trusted each other.

Yes – Naval Officers of the “old-mould” attached great value to Trust.

In fact – mutual trust was the main factor on which the Navy system worked.

On a ship – everyone trusted the Captain – and – the Captain in turn trusted his officers and crew.

Sailors trusted Officers –and – in return – Officers trusted Sailors.

It has been my experience that trust is the key ingredient in any relationship, personal or professional – and – it is always best to associate with trustworthy individuals.

Trust is greater than Love.

That is why arranged marriages based on trust may be more enduring than marriages based purely on love.

Trust matters a lot at work too.

One of the plus points I experienced in my career in the Navy was the atmosphere of trust which made work stress-free, productive and enjoyable.

I feel that trust is the bedrock of a good relationship.

This is why “old fogies” like me feel dismayed at the increasing TRUST DEFICIT in all spheres of life, at both the macro and micro level.

It seems that no one trusts each other.

Opposition Parties do not trust the Government and vice versa.

There is mutual trust deficit between the military and bureaucrats. 

Organizations do not trust each other.

Bosses do not trust their subordinates and junior do not trust their seniors.

Even in personal relationships, trust deficit is on the rise.

Husbands and wives do not trust each other.

Parents do not trust their children and children do not trust their parents.

There is trust deficit between teachers and students too.

I do not know whether it is true, but a young Naval Officer told me that nowadays there is increasing Trust Deficit in the Navy too and he has seen cases where even course-mates do not trust each other.

The moot question, therefore, is: 

Can this problem of Trust Deficit be tackled and mitigated?

Are there any methods to reduce Trust Deficit?

Well, let me suggest one method – JOHARI WINDOW

For many years I have taught and lectured on the applications of the JOHARI WINDOW in various aspects of management, especially in project management and all facets of relationship management.

My observations for many years made me realize that one of the major problems in relationships, both personal and professional, at home and at work, is the increasing TRUST DEFICIT.

 

So, a few months ago I wrote an article on how to reduce TRUST DEFICIT (and build Mutual Trust) using the JOHARI WINDOW.

On the request of some of my friends I am posting the article below once again. 

As always, I will appreciate your comments, views and feedback. 

TRUST and RELATIONSHIPS

“Should I tell my would-be spouse everything about my past?”

“Should I share my sexual past with my soon-to-be spouse?”

“Should you tell your spouse about your ex?”

These are common questions which arise in the minds of young people and you can see so many about-to-be married youngsters asking similar questions to “agony aunts”.

Conventional wisdom says that the answer is: 

“Yes. It is best to be open and honest with your spouse. Be transparent and do not hide anything. There should be no secrets between husband and wife.”

But – to my surprise – I have seen some “agony aunts” giving advice that “being totally honest may not always be desirable and it would be wise to hide your past affairs”...

I find this quite shocking. 

Trust is the bedrock of any relationship – especially a lifelong relationship like marriage – in fact – trust is the cement that bonds the marriage. 

Once trust is broken – the “cement” holding together the bonds will disintegrate – and the marriage will collapse like a pack of cards. 

How can you build a marriage on the foundations of mistrust...?

There is one more danger if you hide things and keep secrets from your spouse. 

You will forever live under the “Fear of being Found Out”...

The “fear of being found out” is a terrible fear – which causes great internal stress which can be detrimental to your health – both physical and mental. 

This – in turn – will adversely affect the marital relationship.

Trust deficit has the potential to totally destroy a relationship, and even if it does not totally destroy a relationship, trust deficit will certainly inhibit the relationship from realizing its full potential.

There was a Marathi Serial a few years ago on Zee TV Marathi called Tu Tithe Mee which depicts the dangers of hiding your past from your spouse. 

The story of Tu Tithe Mee portrays in dramatic fashion how a marriage can crumble once a husband unexpectedly finds out secrets about his wife’s past life that his wife has hidden from him.

The story shows how even the smallest seed of mistrust can amplify into a demon of suspicion and create huge distrust which can shake the very foundations of marriage.

It is not only in marriage – but – trust is the essential ingredient in any successful relationship. 

Whether that relationship is between two people, between husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, between friends, between parents and children, between relatives, between neighbours and acquaintances or within a family.

Even at the Workplace – for optimal functioning – Trust is a must between boss and subordinate – between peers and colleagues – in project teams – in business and partnerships – in Customer Relationship Management (CRM) – and – all professional relationships.

In many cases – employers are secretive – and employees hide things from their employers – because of Trust Deficit. 

One example of Trust Deficit is the prevailing trend of “Pay Secrecy” in the Private Sector – particularly in MNCs and the IT industry.

In our daily life in Society too, whether it be in the social community, in sports teams, and at schools and colleges, between teachers and students, or a relationship in any facet of life – Trust Deficit can be detrimental.

At the macro level too – trust between the citizens and the government is essential for effective and efficient functioning of governance. 

Trust is the cardinal element that allows the relationship to function effectively.

That is why it is sad to see “Trust Deficit” everywhere. 

People do not trust each other anymore. 

Yes – we humans do not implicitly trust each other now-a-days. 

You can see absolute and total trust only in canine-human relationships – yes – dogs unconditionally trust their human masters and and most human beings trust their pet dogs too.

How can we reduce Trust Deficit...? 

How can we enhance Mutual Trust...?

Well – there is a management tool called JOHARI WINDOW which can help. 

HOW TO USE THE JOHARI WINDOW TO ENHANCE MUTUAL TRUST AND TO REDUCE TRUST DEFICIT

The concept of the Johari Window is relatively simple. 

Assume that you are the wife (self).

There are things about yourself that you know and there are things about yourself that you don’t know.

Also, there are things about you that your husband knows and there are things about you that your husband does not know.

Now it is the same with your husband (other). 

There are things about himself that he knows and there are things about himself that he does not know. 

Also, there are things about him that you know and there are things about him that you don’t know.

Now put yourself in the place of Self and put your husband in the place of Other and have a look at the picture below (called Johari Window based on contraction of the names Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham who developed this tool to help people understand and improve their interpersonal relationships). 

The TRUST in a relationship is directly proportional to the OPEN Area 

The other areas (HIDDEN, BLIND AND UNKNOWN) are sources of TRUST DEFICIT. 

Hence, in order to enhance TRUST  and reduce TRUST DEFICIT all you have to do is to increase the OPEN area (also called Arena) and reduce the HIDDEN Area (also called Facade) by Disclosure (Telling) and also reduce the BLIND area (also called Blind Spot) by obtaining Feedback (Asking). 

The UNKNOWN Area will also start reducing over time as the bonds of your mutual relationships become stronger and stronger and you get to know each other better and better.

TELL (disclosure) each other and ASK (feedback) each other and COMMUNICATE(give yourself interactive TIME together) to reduce the hidden, blind and unknown areas respectively.


 



Here is how the Johari Windows will look Before and After :


BEFORE

JOHARI WINDOW AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP 

[Open Area or Arena Represents TRUST and the other three areas (Blind, Facade, Unknown) represent TRUST DEFICIT]

AFTER

JOHARI WINDOW AFTER YOU WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP

[Notice how the Open Area of Arena (TRUST) has increased and the other three areas (TRUST DEFICIT) are reduced]

So now you know what you must do in order to reduce Trust Deficit in a relationship.

Whether it is a home or at work or any other relationship.  

Just sit together and work on JOHARI Window. 

Both of you must use Self Disclosure and Feedback to enhance Mutual Trust and reduce Trust Deficit and consequently improve your relationship. 

After you succeed in a one-on-one (two person) situation, you can extend this technique to multiple participants too.

This works for me. 

Why don’t you try out the JOHARI WINDOW and see if it works for you. 

Try it out with your boss and colleagues at work. 

If you are in the service industry try it out with your customers, and if you are in business, try it out in your business relationships.

Try it out at home with your spouse and kids. 

If you are in a relationship, try it out with your boyfriend or girlfriend while dating and courting and having a relationship. 

When you make friends, remember that deep friendships based on Mutual Trust are more enduring and truly fulfilling than superficial “Hail-Fellow-Well-Met” type of casual friendships.

Did it work? 

Did the Johari Window Technique help build trust and reduce trust deficit? 

What was your experience?

Dear Reader: Please comment - I look forward to your views and feedback. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:

1. These are my personal views. Please do your own due diligence while applying these techniques.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

 

This is a repost of my article TRUST DEFICIT written by me around 27 years ago in the early 1990s and posted by me Vikram Karve online earlier at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/07/trust-deficit.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/10/johari-window-how-to-reduce-trust.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/01/trust-matters-how-to-build-trust-and.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/08/how-to-build-trust-in-relationships.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2018/02/how-to-build-trust.html  and https://karvediat.blogspot.com/2019/03/how-to-build-trust-and-reduce-trust.html  etc 

Food Date

FOOD DATE

Fiction Short Story

By

VIKRAM KARVE

My mobile phone gave a notification sound.

It was a “WhatsApp” Message from my wife:

“Call when you are free...”

I called my wife immediately.

“Is your “date” over…?” my wife asked me.

“No. She has gone to the washroom…” I said.

“I saw the pictures on Facebook. She seems very beautiful…” my wife said.

“Yes. She is much more beautiful in real life than in her pictures…” I said.

“Why did you take her to that Biryani joint…?” my wife said, “you should have treated her to a lavish lunch in a 5-Star hotel…”

“She insisted on going there…” I said, “she is a Biryani lover and wanted to eat “authentic” Biryani…”

“Did she like the Biryani…?” my wife asked.

“Yes…” I said, “she loved the Biryani – and the Kebabs too…”

“That’s good…” my wife said, “what are your plans now…?”

“I’ll drop her home…” I said.

“It’s only 2 o’clock. Take her shopping to the mall, or for a movie – or – the monsoon weather is so lovely – why don’t you take her for a “romantic” drive to some picturesque place – Tamhini, Sinhagad, Lonavala – and enjoy the sunset view together. Ask her what she wants to do…” my wife said.

“Thanks…” I said to my wife, “I’ll ask her…”

“By the way – I really liked the “selfie” you took with her…” my wife said.

“You liked the “selfie” – I am so happy to hear that. I am still learning how to take good “selfies”. I had to hold her really tight and close while taking this one…” I said.

“Yes…” my wife said, “tight and close – quite an intimate “selfie”…!!!”

Suddenly – I saw that my “date” had come out of the washroom and was walking towards me.

“She is coming…” I said to my wife.

“Okay. All the Best with your “date”…” my wife said and disconnected the phone.

As my “date” came closer – I was surprised to see that she was giving me an “angry” look.

I smiled to greet her – but – she did not smile back at me.

Instead – she seemed to become even more livid.

She did not sit down – but remained standing.

So – I rose from my seat.

“Are you crazy…?” my “date” shouted at me.

“Why…? What happened…?” I said, surprised.

“Why have you uploaded our pictures all over the Social Media…?” she said angrily.

“The photos were so good…” I said.

“Oh Yes…” she interrupted, “the photos are “too good” – especially that “selfie” where you seem to be rubbing your cheeks on mine…”

“You didn’t like our “selfie”…?” I asked.

“Well – my sister-in-law has certainly “liked” it…” she said with sarcasm in her voice.

“Sister-in-Law…?” I asked.

“My husband’s sister – who hates me…” my “date” said.

“Oh…” I mumbled.

“And – by now – I am sure my bitchy sister-in-law has shared that “selfie” with everyone – all over the social media…” my “date” said, with anxiety in her voice.

“Oh – she saw it…?” I said, “But your sister-in-law is not my “friend”. How did she see the “selfie”…?”

“Because you “tagged” me – you fool. And – my sister-in-law is my “friend” on Facebook. Why the hell did you “tag” me…?” she said.

“I thought…” I mumbled.

“You should have asked my permission…” she said, angrily.

“I asked you before taking the “selfie”…” I said.

“I thought you are taking it as remembrance – for our private viewing…” she said, “I never imagined that you would publicly share our pictures with the whole world on the social media…”

“I am sorry if I have annoyed you…” I said to her, “Okay. I’ll cheer you up – let’s go on a long drive to some nice place – Tamhini, Sinhagad, Lonavala – wherever you want – and we can see sunset together…”

“Are you mad or something…? Do you think I am going to stay for even a single minute with you after what you have done…?” my “date” said angrily to me.

Suddenly – there was a notification sound on her mobile phone – so – she looked at her phone.

“Oh My God…” she said, “it’s my husband. He wants me to call him urgently.”

“But – it must be midnight over there…” I said.

“I am sure my sister-in-law has shown these pictures to my mother-in-law – especially that scandalous looking “selfie” – and my devious mother-in-law must have called up my husband immediately…” she said.

“Or maybe – he has seen the selfie” on Facebook – or Twitter – or Instagram – all my Social Media Accounts are connected – once I post a picture – it gets shared everywhere …” I said.

“You just shut up…!!! Let me figure out what I should say to my husband…” she said.

“You haven’t told your husband about this “date” with me…?” I said, curious.

“Of Course Not…!” she said, “have you told your wife…?”

“Yes. I tell my wife everything. In fact – she is the one who told me to ask you out for a “date” after seeing our Tweets, DMs and Facebook Messages to each other…” I said.

“What…? You share private messages with each other…? You people seem to be real weirdos…” she said, scornfully.

“I’ll delete the photos…” I said, contrite.

“It’s too late now – the damage is already done. But still – you please delete all those pictures – especially the “selfie”. I only hope my sister-in-law hasn’t taken a “screenshot”…!!!” she said.

“Okay. I will delete all pictures and status updates of our “date”…” I said, “But – you don’t worry – nothing will happen – if you want – I will talk to your husband – and mother-in-law…” I said.

“Please – you have done “enough” for the day. I am going now. And – I never want to see your face again – so – don’t try to contact me – online or offline. In any case – I am blocking you everywhere…” she said, angrily.

And – she walked away – out of the restaurant.

EPILOGUE

I went home – and – I told me wife everything.

“Don’t feel sad…” my wife said to me, “you have so many friends on the Social Media – we’ll find someone good for your next date…”

“It’s strange…” I said, “she hadn’t told her husband she was having a “date” with me. Aren’t husbands and wives supposed to tell each other everything…? Don’t I tell you everything…?”

“Everyone is not “You”…” my wife said – and she gave me a loving hug. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)