Relationship Management : HOW TO BUILD TRUST : “Self Disclosure” builds Trust – “Secrecy” breeds Mistrust : JOHARI Window

I am quite an open person. 

My well-wishers often scold me: 

“Why do you tell everything about yourself to everyone...?” 

“To build trust...” I say. 

Yes – “Self Disclosure” builds Trust. 

On the other hand – “Secrecy” breeds Mistrust. 

Trust is most important in all relationships – Personal, Professional and Social. 

Trust is especially important in Marriage. 

In fact – Trust is more important that Love. 

“Should you tell your would-be spouse everything about your past...?”

“Should you share your sexual past with your soon-to-be spouse?”

“Should you tell your would-be spouse about your “ex”...?”

The answers are obvious – you should tell your would-be spouse everything.

But – does everyone do so...? 

Trust matters on Social Media too. 

Those who disclose more about themselves are trusted more than those who are secretive or try to hide behind anonymity. 

Here is an article I wrote many years ago on “How to Build Trust and Reduce Trust Deficit”... 

HOW TO BUILD TRUST IN RELATIONSHIPS (AND REDUCE TRUST DEFICIT)

Trust Management Using JOHARI WINDOW

By

VIKRAM KARVE

From my Academic (Management Lecture) Archives:

For many years – I used to teach and lecture on the applications of the JOHARI WINDOW in various aspects of management – especially in project management – and all facets of relationship management.

My observations for many years made me realize that one of the major problems in relationships, both personal and professional – at home and at work – is the increasing TRUST DEFICIT. 

So, a few years ago I wrote an article on how to reduce TRUST DEFICIT (and build Mutual Trust) using the JOHARI WINDOW. 

On request from an erstwhile student of mine – I am re-posting the article on application of the JOHARI WINDOW in reducing TRUST DEFICIT – which I had written long back based on my management lectures – and which I had posted on my blog a few years ago.

As always – I will appreciate your comments, views and feedback.

TRUST MATTERS

I trust people.

Depending on the way you look at it, one of my chief virtues (or shortcomings) is that I trust people. 

That is why it is easy for anyone to take me for a ride, and make an “April Fool” of me, as so many have done.

Yes – I have a trusting nature.

That’s why I did not try my hand at business.

By nature – I am an honest, straightforward, outspoken person and I like to be transparent.

I am not a “smooth operator”.

I do not have the “talent” to indulge in one-upmanship.

I do not possess the “tact” to be opaque, secretive and “diplomatic”.

It is because of my trusting nature that have I avoided taking up a profession where one has to put on a mask of pretence, hide things, indulge in mendacity and be Machiavellian to succeed.

In the Navy of yesteryear – we trusted each other.

Yes – Naval Officers of the “old-mould” attached great value to Trust.

In fact – mutual trust was the main factor on which the Navy system worked.

On a ship – everyone trusted the Captain – and – the Captain in turn trusted his officers and crew.

Sailors trusted Officers –and – in return – Officers trusted Sailors.

It has been my experience that trust is the key ingredient in any relationship, personal or professional – and – it is always best to associate with trustworthy individuals.

Trust is greater than Love.

That is why arranged marriages based on trust may be more enduring than marriages based purely on love.

Trust matters a lot at work too.

One of the plus points I experienced in my career in the Navy was the atmosphere of trust which made work stress-free, productive and enjoyable.

I feel that trust is the bedrock of a good relationship.

This is why “old fogies” like me feel dismayed at the increasing TRUST DEFICIT in all spheres of life, at both the macro and micro level.

It seems that no one trusts each other.

Opposition Parties do not trust the Government and vice versa.

There is mutual trust deficit between the military and bureaucrats. 

Organizations do not trust each other.

Bosses do not trust their subordinates and junior do not trust their seniors.

Even in personal relationships, trust deficit is on the rise.

Husbands and wives do not trust each other.

Parents do not trust their children and children do not trust their parents.

There is trust deficit between teachers and students too.

I do not know whether it is true, but a young Naval Officer told me that nowadays there is increasing Trust Deficit in the Navy too and he has seen cases where even course-mates do not trust each other.

The moot question, therefore, is: 

Can this problem of Trust Deficit be tackled and mitigated?

Are there any methods to reduce Trust Deficit?

Well, let me suggest one method – JOHARI WINDOW

For many years I have taught and lectured on the applications of the JOHARI WINDOW in various aspects of management, especially in project management and all facets of relationship management.

My observations for many years made me realize that one of the major problems in relationships, both personal and professional, at home and at work, is the increasing TRUST DEFICIT.

 

So, a few months ago I wrote an article on how to reduce TRUST DEFICIT (and build Mutual Trust) using the JOHARI WINDOW.

On the request of some of my friends I am posting the article below once again. 

As always, I will appreciate your comments, views and feedback. 

TRUST and RELATIONSHIPS

“Should I tell my would-be spouse everything about my past?”

“Should I share my sexual past with my soon-to-be spouse?”

“Should you tell your spouse about your ex?”

These are common questions which arise in the minds of young people and you can see so many about-to-be married youngsters asking similar questions to “agony aunts”.

Conventional wisdom says that the answer is: 

“Yes. It is best to be open and honest with your spouse. Be transparent and do not hide anything. There should be no secrets between husband and wife.”

But – to my surprise – I have seen some “agony aunts” giving advice that “being totally honest may not always be desirable and it would be wise to hide your past affairs”...

I find this quite shocking. 

Trust is the bedrock of any relationship – especially a lifelong relationship like marriage – in fact – trust is the cement that bonds the marriage. 

Once trust is broken – the “cement” holding together the bonds will disintegrate – and the marriage will collapse like a pack of cards. 

How can you build a marriage on the foundations of mistrust...?

There is one more danger if you hide things and keep secrets from your spouse. 

You will forever live under the “Fear of being Found Out”...

The “fear of being found out” is a terrible fear – which causes great internal stress which can be detrimental to your health – both physical and mental. 

This – in turn – will adversely affect the marital relationship.

Trust deficit has the potential to totally destroy a relationship, and even if it does not totally destroy a relationship, trust deficit will certainly inhibit the relationship from realizing its full potential.

There was a Marathi Serial a few years ago on Zee TV Marathi called Tu Tithe Mee which depicts the dangers of hiding your past from your spouse. 

The story of Tu Tithe Mee portrays in dramatic fashion how a marriage can crumble once a husband unexpectedly finds out secrets about his wife’s past life that his wife has hidden from him.

The story shows how even the smallest seed of mistrust can amplify into a demon of suspicion and create huge distrust which can shake the very foundations of marriage.

It is not only in marriage – but – trust is the essential ingredient in any successful relationship. 

Whether that relationship is between two people, between husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, between friends, between parents and children, between relatives, between neighbours and acquaintances or within a family.

Even at the Workplace – for optimal functioning – Trust is a must between boss and subordinate – between peers and colleagues – in project teams – in business and partnerships – in Customer Relationship Management (CRM) – and – all professional relationships.

In many cases – employers are secretive – and employees hide things from their employers – because of Trust Deficit. 

One example of Trust Deficit is the prevailing trend of “Pay Secrecy” in the Private Sector – particularly in MNCs and the IT industry.

In our daily life in Society too, whether it be in the social community, in sports teams, and at schools and colleges, between teachers and students, or a relationship in any facet of life – Trust Deficit can be detrimental.

At the macro level too – trust between the citizens and the government is essential for effective and efficient functioning of governance. 

Trust is the cardinal element that allows the relationship to function effectively.

That is why it is sad to see “Trust Deficit” everywhere. 

People do not trust each other anymore. 

Yes – we humans do not implicitly trust each other now-a-days. 

You can see absolute and total trust only in canine-human relationships – yes – dogs unconditionally trust their human masters and and most human beings trust their pet dogs too.

How can we reduce Trust Deficit...? 

How can we enhance Mutual Trust...?

Well – there is a management tool called JOHARI WINDOW which can help. 

HOW TO USE THE JOHARI WINDOW TO ENHANCE MUTUAL TRUST AND TO REDUCE TRUST DEFICIT

The concept of the Johari Window is relatively simple. 

Assume that you are the wife (self).

There are things about yourself that you know and there are things about yourself that you don’t know.

Also, there are things about you that your husband knows and there are things about you that your husband does not know.

Now it is the same with your husband (other). 

There are things about himself that he knows and there are things about himself that he does not know. 

Also, there are things about him that you know and there are things about him that you don’t know.

Now put yourself in the place of Self and put your husband in the place of Other and have a look at the picture below (called Johari Window based on contraction of the names Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham who developed this tool to help people understand and improve their interpersonal relationships). 

The TRUST in a relationship is directly proportional to the OPEN Area 

The other areas (HIDDEN, BLIND AND UNKNOWN) are sources of TRUST DEFICIT. 

Hence, in order to enhance TRUST  and reduce TRUST DEFICIT all you have to do is to increase the OPEN area (also called Arena) and reduce the HIDDEN Area (also called Facade) by Disclosure (Telling) and also reduce the BLIND area (also called Blind Spot) by obtaining Feedback (Asking). 

The UNKNOWN Area will also start reducing over time as the bonds of your mutual relationships become stronger and stronger and you get to know each other better and better.

TELL (disclosure) each other and ASK (feedback) each other and COMMUNICATE(give yourself interactive TIME together) to reduce the hidden, blind and unknown areas respectively.


 



Here is how the Johari Windows will look Before and After :


BEFORE

JOHARI WINDOW AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP 

[Open Area or Arena Represents TRUST and the other three areas (Blind, Facade, Unknown) represent TRUST DEFICIT]

AFTER

JOHARI WINDOW AFTER YOU WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP

[Notice how the Open Area of Arena (TRUST) has increased and the other three areas (TRUST DEFICIT) are reduced]

So now you know what you must do in order to reduce Trust Deficit in a relationship.

Whether it is a home or at work or any other relationship.  

Just sit together and work on JOHARI Window. 

Both of you must use Self Disclosure and Feedback to enhance Mutual Trust and reduce Trust Deficit and consequently improve your relationship. 

After you succeed in a one-on-one (two person) situation, you can extend this technique to multiple participants too.

This works for me. 

Why don’t you try out the JOHARI WINDOW and see if it works for you. 

Try it out with your boss and colleagues at work. 

If you are in the service industry try it out with your customers, and if you are in business, try it out in your business relationships.

Try it out at home with your spouse and kids. 

If you are in a relationship, try it out with your boyfriend or girlfriend while dating and courting and having a relationship. 

When you make friends, remember that deep friendships based on Mutual Trust are more enduring and truly fulfilling than superficial “Hail-Fellow-Well-Met” type of casual friendships.

Did it work? 

Did the Johari Window Technique help build trust and reduce trust deficit? 

What was your experience?

Dear Reader: Please comment - I look forward to your views and feedback. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:

1. These are my personal views. Please do your own due diligence while applying these techniques.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

 

This is a repost of my article TRUST DEFICIT written by me around 27 years ago in the early 1990s and posted by me Vikram Karve online earlier at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/07/trust-deficit.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/10/johari-window-how-to-reduce-trust.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/01/trust-matters-how-to-build-trust-and.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/08/how-to-build-trust-in-relationships.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2018/02/how-to-build-trust.html  and https://karvediat.blogspot.com/2019/03/how-to-build-trust-and-reduce-trust.html  etc 

Killing Isn’t Easy

This morning – I had a haircut and beard-trim. 

After my haircut and beard-trim – the barber was shaping my beard. 

First – he shaved off the portions on my cheeks. 

Then – he began shaving the skin on the front part of my neck. 

I was under the razor – with the barber holding the sharp blade of the razor on my throat. 

It was at this precise moment – that I remembered this story...

JUST LATHER, THAT’S ALL

My Favourite Short Stories Revisited 

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Here is one of the most powerfully written stories I have ever read: 

Just Lather, That’s All 

A Short Story by Columbian writer Hernando Téllez originally written in Spanish and translated by Donald A Yates.

The moment you start reading, the story mesmerizes you, from start to finish. 

This story is a gripping, tautly written unputdownable thriller. 

The riveting plot – and – the writing style in which the story is told in first person entirely from the barber’s point of view – this heightens the impact of the story. 

Notice the fascinating swings of emotional conflict from one extreme to the other – and the inner struggle in the barber’s mind. 

As you read the climax builds up steadily – and then there is a dramatic ending which leaves such a lasting impact – that you will never forget this story.

This story is freely available on the internet (just google it or try any search engine or literary site). I am giving a link to the story and, for your convenience – I am also pasting the story below (from the url link mentioned below): 

http://www2.ups.edu/faculty/velez/LAS100/tellez.htm

Just Lather, That's All

By

HERNANDO TÉLLEZ

Translated by Donald A. Yates

He said nothing when he entered. I was passing the best of my razors back and forth on a strop. When I recognized him I started to tremble. But he didn't notice. Hoping to conceal my emotion, I continued sharpening the razor. I tested it on the meat of my thumb, and then held it up to the light. At that moment be took off the bullet-studded belt that his gun holster dangled from. He hung it up on a wall hook and placed his military cap over it. Then be turned to me, loosening the knot of his tie, and said, "It's hot as bell. Give me a shave." He sat in the chair.

I estimated he had a four-day beard. The four days taken up by the latest expedition in search of our troops. His face seemed reddened, burned by the sun. Carefully, I began to prepare the soap. I cut off a few slices, dropped them into the cup, mixed in a bit of warm water, and began to stir with the brush. Immediately the foam began to rise. "The other boys in the group should have this much beard, too." I continued stirring the lather.

"But we did all right, you know. We got the main ones. We brought back some dead, and we've got some others still alive. But pretty soon they'll all be dead."

"How many did you catch?" I asked.

"Fourteen. We had to go pretty deep into the woods to find them. But we'll get even. Not one of them comes out of this alive, not one."

He leaned back on the chair when he saw me with the lather-covered brush in my hand. I still had to put the sheet on him. No doubt about it, I was upset. I took a sheet out of a drawer and knotted it around my customer's neck. He wouldn't stop talking. He probably thought I was in sympathy with his party.

"The town must have learned a lesson from what we did the other day," he said.

"Yes," I replied, securing the knot at the base of his dark, sweaty neck.

"That was a fine show, eh?"

"Very good," I answered, turning back for the brush. The man closed his eyes with a gesture of fatigue and sat waiting for the cool caress of the soap. I had never had him so close to me. The day he ordered the whole town to file into the patio of the school to see the four rebels hanging there, I came face to face with him for an instant. But the sight of the mutilated bodies kept me from noticing the face of the man who had directed it all, the face I was now about to take into my hands. It was not an unpleasant face, certainly. And the beard, which made him seem a bit older than he was, didn't suit him badly at all. His name was Torres. Captain Torres. A man of imagination, because who else would have thought of hanging the naked rebels and then holding target practice on certain parts of their bodies? I began to apply the first layer of soap. With his eyes closed, be continued.  "Without any effort I could go straight to sleep," he said, "but there's plenty to do this afternoon." I stopped the lathering and asked with a feigned lack of interest: "A firing squad?" "Something like that, but a little slower." I got on with the job of lathering his beard. My bands started trembling again. The man could not possibly realize it, and this was in my favor. But I would have preferred that he hadn't come. It was likely that many of our faction had seen him enter. And an enemy under one's roof imposes certain conditions. I would be obliged to shave that beard like any other one, carefully, gently, like that of any customer, taking pains to see that no single pore emitted a drop of blood. Being careful to see that the little tufts of hair did not lead the blade astray. Seeing that his skin ended up clean, soft, and healthy, so that passing the back of my hand over it I couldn't feel a hair. Yes, I was secretly a rebel, but I was also a conscientious barber, and proud of the preciseness of my profession. And this four-days' growth of beard was a fitting challenge.

I took the razor, opened up the two protective arms, exposed the blade and began the job, from one of the sideburns downward. The razor responded beautifully. His beard was inflexible and hard, not too long, but thick. Bit by bit the skin emerged. The razor rasped along, making its customary sound as fluffs of lather mixed with bits of hair gathered along the blade. I paused a moment to clean it, then took up the strop again to sharpen the razor, because I'm a barber who does things properly. The man, who had kept his eyes closed, opened them now, removed one of his hands from under the sheet, felt the spot on his face where the soap had been cleared off, and said, "Come to the school today at six o'clock." "The same thing as the other day?" I asked horrified. "It could be better," he replied. "What do you plan to do?" "I don't know yet. But we'll amuse ourselves." Once more he leaned back and closed his eyes. I approached him with the razor poised. "Do you plan to punish them all?" I ventured timidly. "All." The soap was drying on his face. I had to hurry. In the mirror I looked toward the street. It was the same as ever: the grocery store with two or three customers in it. Then I glanced at the clock: two-twenty in the afternoon. The razor continued on its downward stroke. Now from the other sideburn down. A thick, blue beard. He should have let it grow like some poets or priests do. It would suit him well. A lot of people wouldn't recognize him. Much to his benefit, I thought, as I attempted to cover the neck area smoothly. There, for sure, the razor had to be handled masterfully, since the hair, although softer, grew into little swirls. A curly beard. One of the tiny pores could be opened up and issue forth its pearl of blood. A good barber such as I prides himself on never allowing this to happen to a client.  And this was a first-class client. How many of us had he ordered shot? How many of us had he ordered mutilated? It was better not to think about it. Torres did not know that I was his enemy. He did not know it nor did the rest. It was a secret shared by very few, precisely so that I could inform the revolutionaries of what Torres was doing in the town and of what he was planning each time he undertook a rebel-hunting excursion. So it was going to be very difficult to explain that I had him right in my hands and let him go peacefully -alive and shaved.

The beard was now almost completely gone. He seemed younger, less burdened by years than when he had arrived. I suppose this always happens with men who visit barber shops. Under the stroke of my razor Torres was being rejuvenated-rejuvenated because I am a good barber, the best in the town, if I may say so. A little more lather here, under his chin, on his Adam's apple, on this big vein. How hot it is getting! Torres must be sweating as much as I. But he is not afraid. He is a calm man, who is not even thinking about what he is going to do with the prisoners this afternoon. On the other hand I, with this razor in my hands, stroking and re-stroking this skin, trying to keep blood from oozing from these pores, can't even think clearly. Damn him for coming, because I'm a revolutionary and not a murderer. And how easy it would be to kill him. And he deserves it. Does be? No! What the devil! No one deserves to have someone else make the sacrifice of becoming a murderer. What do you gain by it? Nothing. Others come along and still others, and the first ones kill the second ones and they the next ones and it goes on like this until everything is a sea of blood. I could cut this throat just so, zip! zip! I wouldn't give him time to complain and since he has his eyes closed he wouldn't see the glistening knife blade or my glistening eyes. But I'm trembling like a real murderer. Out of his neck a gush of blood would spout onto the sheet, on the chair, on my hands, on the floor. I would have to close the door. And the blood would keep inching along the floor, warm, ineradicable, uncontainable, until it reached the street, like a little scarlet stream. I'm sure that one solid stroke, one deep incision, would prevent any pain. He wouldn't suffer. But what would I do with the body? Where would I hide it? I would have to flee, leaving all I have behind, and take refuge far away, far, far away. But they would follow until they found me. "Captain Torres' murderer. He slit his throat while he was shaving him a coward." And then on the other side. "The avenger of us all. A name to remember. (And here they would mention my name.) He was the town barber. No one knew he was defending our cause."

And what of all this? Murderer or hero? My destiny depends on the edge of this blade. I can turn my hand a bit more, press a little harder on the razor, and sink it in. The skin would give way like silk, like rubber, like the strop. There is nothing more tender than human skin and the blood is always there, ready to pour forth. A blade like this doesn't fail. It is my best. But I don't want to be a murderer, no sir. You came to me for a shave. And I perform my work honorably. . . . I don't want blood on my hands. Just lather, that's all. You are an executioner and I am only a barber. Each person has his own place in the scheme of things. That's right. His own place.

Now his chin bad been stroked clean and smooth. The man sat up and looked into the mirror. He rubbed his hands over his skin and felt it fresh, like new.

"Thanks," he said. He went to the hanger for his belt, pistol and cap. I must have been very pale; my shirt felt soaked. Torres finished adjusting the buckle, straightened his pistol in the holster and after automatically smoothing down his hair, he put on the cap. From his pants pocket be took out several coins to pay me for my services. And he began to bead toward the door. In the doorway he paused for a moment, and turning to me he said:

"They told me that you'd kill me. I came to find out. But killing isn't easy. You can take my word for it." And he headed on down the street.

Tell me, Dear Reader – were you not spellbound as you read this story...? 

Notice the setting, the characters, the conflicting emotions and the build up of sheer terror in the mind of the barber – as the story progresses towards its climax, the epiphany. 

And – just look at the spectacular sting in the tail: 

“They told me that you’d kill me. I came to find out. But killing isn’t easy. You can take my word for it”.  

The moral conflict in the mind of the barber delivers a powerfully message: 

Is it justified to kill someone – even for vengeance...?

Dear Reader: 

I read this story many years ago – probably 25 years ago. 

But – this story had a lasting impact on me – and I will never forget it. 

I am sure you liked it too. 

Do tell me what you thought of this story – Just Lather, That’s All

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

This blog post was written by me Vikram Karve around 25 years ago in the 1990s and posted online earlier in my various creative writing blogs including at urls: http://creative.sulekha.com/my-favourite-short-stories-part-4-just-lather-that-s-all_531396_blog and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/01/just-lather-thats-all-my-favourite.html etc