Military Humor – Spit and Polish

SPIT AND POLISH

An Apocryphal Story

Re-told by

VIKRAM KARVE

Sometime ago – I decided to clean my bookcase – and while delving through my collection of books – I saw a delightful book called  “The Psychology of Military Humour”  by Brigadier J. Nazareth which I had acquired long back.

While browsing through this book – I came across an anecdote about the celebrated Russian Second World War General Georgy Konstantinovich Zhukov (Marshal of the Soviet Union) (01 December 1896 – 18 June 1974).

Since the book mentioned the anecdote very briefly – I did a bit of searching on the internet – in order to enable me to narrate the story in a more elaborate manner.

Whether this “shoe-shining story” is true – or a part of folklore – we do not know.

What is important is the lesson to be learnt from the story.

SPIT AND POLISH

When he was handpicked to command the newly created mechanized regiment – the training principle that Zhukov introduced was:

If you don’t know how to do it – we will teach you how to do it

If you don’t want to do it – we will make you do it

Once – when he was the Regimental Commander – Zhukov decided to carry out a surprise inspection of the soldiers who were on duty.

He was accompanied by the Adjutant (a Major)

Zhukov was satisfied with the appearance and ‘turn-out’ of the soldiers – except one soldier – whose boots were poorly polished.

Zhukov asked the Adjutant what he thought of the soldier’s boots.

The Adjutant asked the soldier to explain why his boots were not polished properly.

The Soldier remained silent.

The Adjutant warned the soldier that he would be punished for improper turnout in uniform.

Zhukov raised his finger and interrupted the Adjutant. 

Then – Zhukov said angrily to the Adjutant: 

“I am asking you – not him. 

The important thing is not that the soldier’s boots are not polished properly.

What is more important is why you did not pay attention to the matter. 

There is apparently no one else in this regiment except the Commander to help him clean his boots…”

Zhukov ordered the Adjutant to bring a stool and boot polishing equipment.

A Stool and Boot Polishing Material was promptly brought.

Zhukov told the soldier to put one foot on the stool and watch attentively.

Then – Zhukov began polishing the soldier’s boot – showing the soldier exactly how to polish boots.

After a few minutes – the boot was shining.

Zhukov then gave the brush to the soldier and told him to polish the other boot to the same level of shine. 

When the soldier had done so – Zhukov nodded and walked away.

MORAL OF THE STORY

In the Military – there is no substitute for professionalism.

An officer is supposed to know how to do a task – before he orders his subordinates to do it.

That is why military training is so elaborate with a “hands on” approach.

However – this is not so in the civil services – where “generalists” rule the roost.

And sometimes – these clueless “administrators” pass vague and impracticable orders to specialists.

With the advent of “high-tech” weapons and “state-of-the-art” modern military technology – this “civil services” attitude seems to be creeping into the Defence Services too.

I have seen occasions – when a “generalist” senior officer tries to “bullshit” a technical specialist – and ends up embarrassed when his ignorance is exposed.

Of course – “Bullshit” does not work any longer.

If an officer does not know how to do a task – how can he teach or supervise his subordinates to do that task...?

In today’s world – the earlier “Carry on Chief” Style Navy Officership does not work nowadays. 

An Officer must be able to demonstrate to his juniors how to do a task.

That is why an Officer cannot stop learning even if he achieves high rank – because – there is no substitute for continual learning and professionalism.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This article is a spoof, satire, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

This is a Revised Re-Post of my article SPIT AND POLISH posted online earlier on 04 June 2015 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/06/humor-in-uniform-spit-and-polish.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/06/humor-in-uniform-spit-and-polish-shoe.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2017/01/military-officership-story.html  and https://karve.wordpress.com/2015/06/04/spit-and-polish-military-humor/ etc 

For a Military Officer – which is more important : Physical Fitness or Mental Robustness…?

MILITARY LEADERSHIP – OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES (OLQ) 

Is “Mental Robustness” more important that “Physical Fitness”...? 

PHYSICAL FITNESS versus MENTAL ROBUSTNESS

Musings of a Veteran

By

VIKRAM KARVE

“ARTHRITIS” IN THE HEAD IS WORSE THAN ARTHRITIS IN THE KNEE

In his autobiography  A SOLDIER’S STORY  General Omar Nelson Bradley (the renowned American General who commanded the 12^th Army, the largest army in World War II, during the invasion of Europe) recounts an incident.

During the war – one of the best Corps Commanders,  General Troy H Middleton  suffered an arthritic disability in the knee and it was suggested to General Marshall (the US Army Chief) that Middleton be sent home rather than be given command of a army corps in the field which was engaged in active combat.

General Marshall retorted: 

“I would rather have a man with arthritis in the knee than one with arthritis in the head. Keep Middleton there.”

General Marshall was proved right.

In Europe, as a part of Patton’s 3^rd Army, Middleton commanded VIII Corps with distinction and successfully led it throughout the European Invasion all the way from Normandy to the Elbe.

Middleton was a seasoned campaigner, having commanded 45^th Infantry Division in the Sicilian Campaign in II Corps (commanded by Patton and later by Bradley).

He was then promoted to command VIII Corps in Patton’s Third Army during the invasion in Europe, when he was struck by an attack of Arthritis.

Marshall’s insistence that “I would rather have a man with arthritis in the knee than one with arthritis in the head”  was proved right as Middleton performed brilliantly as a leader especially in the  Battle of the Bulge   (described below):

“Had not Middleton, egged-on by Patton, ordered unrelenting attacks against the assaulting Nazis – and – had not his infantrymen and tankers risen to highest levels of gallantry – the Germans certainly would have overcome the 101st’s resistance and been able to re-establish their supply lines leading to Bastogne”

Following this battle – Middleton led VIII Corps in its relentless push across Germany right into Czechoslovakia when Germany surrendered and the war ended.

Before the Battle of the Bulge, his leadership in Operation Cobra led to the capture of the important port city of Brest, France, and for his success he was awarded a second Distinguished Service Medal by General George Patton.

Middleton was recognized by both the Supreme Allied Commander Eisenhower and Army Commander Patton as being a corps commander of extraordinary abilities.

General Patton had recommended that if he became a battle casualty, then General Middleton should succeed him as commander of the 3^rd Army.

Despite being “physically unfit” due to arthritis – General Middleton spent over 1200 days in war conditions in the field – ever since departing from America in January 1942.

Middleton logged 480 days in actual combat during World War II – more than any other American General Officer.

General Troy H Middleton achieved this remarkable and most spectacular military success despite have been stricken by arthritis in the knee.

(In India, he would have probably been declared a Low Medical Category (LMC) and he would have been invalided out of the Army on medical grounds – so powerful are our Army Doctors – they can ruin career prospects of competent officers by the dreaded “weapon” of medical category)

This true story, of the arthritis afflicted General Middleton narrated above, exemplifies the importance of mental fitness for a military officer, especially in senior ranks.

Mental fitness is certainly as important as physical fitness, if not more.

In some cases, especially for senior officers, mental fitness is more important than physical fitness.

The importance of mental fitness over physical fitness is exemplified in the words of General Eisenhower (when it was repeatedly recommended to him by doctors that General Middleton should be sent back to America after his success in Africa and the Sicilian Campaign, as General Middleton as afflicted with Arthritis and he was not physically fit for the forthcoming Invasion of Europe). 

General Eisenhower remarked about General Middleton: 

“I don't give a damn about his knees – I want his head and his heart. And I’ll take him into battle on a stretcher if we have to.” 

General Marshall supported General Eisenhower’s opinion: 

“I would rather have a man with arthritis in the knee than one with arthritis in the head. Keep Middleton there.”

Military history is replete with examples of this – during World War II, Fredendall  was replaced by  Patton  after American Forces suffered a reverse at  Kasserine Pass – Auchinleck was replaced by Montgomery after defeat in the first battle of El Alamein –  and even during the 1962 Sino-Indian conflict, a move was made to replace Kaul with Harbaksh Singh (decision reversed with disastrous consequences) but, finally, Kaul was replaced by Sam Manekshaw, but by then it was too late as the war was over. 

Will it not be apt for the Indian Armed Forces, obsessed with “medical categories”, to mull over these words on the importance of mental fitness in senior officers.

PHYSICAL FITNESS AND MENTAL FITNESS EVALUATION IN THE INDIAN ARMED FORCES

Do we regard mental fitness to be as important as physical fitness in our Armed Forces (Army, Navy and Air Force)...?

In the beginning (at the time of recruitment): 

Yes – for Officers – both Physical and Mental Fitness are evaluated in the initial selection process.

In India, the selection process for an officer in the armed forces (army, navy and air force) includes assessment of both physical fitness and mental fitness.

Physical fitness is tested at the Services Selection Board (SSB) followed by a thorough medical examination at the Military Hospital (MH).

Mental fitness is analyzed by various psychological tests, group tasks and interviews at the SSB.

Thus, both physical and mental fitness are confirmed before selection.

Thereafter, physical fitness is evaluated and confirmed every year by an Annual Medical Examination (AME) and Physical Evaluation Test (PET).

If an officer does not meet the specified standards, the officer’s medical category is downgraded and his career is adversely affected as the officer is considered unfit for combat duties.

Physical fitness is not taken for granted.

This is because it is felt that physical fitness of a person can change over the years depending on one’s health and the attention one pays to maintaining oneself.

However, mental fitness is never evaluated during your entire military career once you have been commissioned as an officer.

Mental fitness is taken for granted.

It is assumed that mental fitness does not change and there is no need to “examine” and confirm an officer’s mental fitness every year.

However – like physical fitness can change with time – similarly – mental fitness can also change over the years depending on life experiences.

PHYSICAL TOUGHNESS versus MENTAL ROBUSTNESS

Physical toughness and mental robustness are two different attributes.

Physical toughness does not automatically guarantee mental robustness.

Yes, it may not always be true that all physically tough persons will necessarily be mentally robust as well.

In the army, physical toughness may be more important for junior officers, but for senior leadership it is mental robustness that matters.

In his book  “The Unfought War of 1962”  the author JR Saigal cites the example of his Brigade Commander who was physically tough but mentally weak-willed.

As a junior officer, he had suffered harrowing experiences as a prisoner of war during the Second World War and was determined not to become a prisoner again.

The Brigade Commander became so jittery when he heard of the advancing enemy that he abandoned his troops and fled from the battlefield even before the attack was launched by the enemy.

The author says that a person with such a vulnerable mental make-up should not have been posted anywhere near an operational area.

Yet such a shaky and mentally unfit officer was posted to a crucial command appointment – and that too in war.

DOES “ACR SYNDROME” CONVERT “LIONS IN ACTION” INTO “DOGS IN OBEDIENCE”...?

In the Navy too – I have seen many officers – who were mentally robust in their younger days – become mentally soft and lose their boldness as they become senior – due to their fervent ambition and fanatical obsession to get promoted to higher rank.

In their quest for promotion at any cost – these officers fall victim to the “ACR Syndrome” – since promotion is solely dependent on the all important ACR (Annual Confidential Report).

I once saw a Commanding Officer become a nervous wreck in his quest to earn an “outstanding” ACR – there were 10 other highly ambitious Commanding Officers in the Fleet of the same rank competing with him for promotion, and, he knew that the vacancies were very few, so the cut-throat competition was very tough.

I was astonished by the change in the mental makeup of this officer, since the same officer had been a robust happy-go-lucky carefree individual in his younger days.

It seemed that “zero error syndrome” coupled with his extreme ambition had made him fearful and lose his mental robustness.

Instead of enjoying his command, he was stressed out, since, due to his obsession for an “outstanding” ACR, he was doing a few things which he knew were wrong.

It is quite ironical, that instead of becoming more and more mentally forceful as they become senior, some highly ambitious officers start becoming spineless, due to their servility to the powers-that-be, as they crave for career-success and even yearn for post-retirement sops.

Thus, by the time they reach high rank, long years of submissiveness severely compromises their mental robustness and this may affect their command capability, especially in a crisis.

You cannot expect an officer to be a “dog in obedience” and “lion in action” at the same time.

Similarly, once an officer who was a “lion in action” gets slowly converted into a “dog in obedience” – it is very difficult to instantly re-convert the “dog in obedience” back into a “lion in action”.

ANNUAL MENTAL FITNESS ASSESSMENT 

WHY NOT HAVE ANNUAL PSYCHOLOGICAL EXAMINATION (APE)

One solution to alleviate this problem is to have an Annual Psychological Examination (APE) to assess the current “Mental and Emotional Fitness” of an officer and ascertain his suitability for leadership in combat situations.

In today’s world, modern tools and techniques are available to conduct such psychological tests.

All that needs to be done is to include an Annual Psychological Examination (APE)along with the Annual Medical Examination (AME).

It is as simple as that.

The APE will ensure that the military will have officers at the top who are as mentally robust as they are physically tough.

Hopefully – the Annual Psychological Examination (APE) will ensure that those with “arthritis in the head” will be weeded out – and only mentally robust officers are promoted to high ranks. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. These are my personal views based on my observations and life experiences and the stories and examples quoted may be apocryphal.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

This post is a Revised and Updated Version of my Article First Posted by me Vikram Karve on 22 Oct 2013 at 10/22/2013 11:59:00 PM in my blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/10/military-musings-is-mental-fitness-most.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/10/military-olq-officer-like-qualities.html  and  https://karve.wordpress.com/2016/08/19/musings-on-military-officer-like-qualities-olq/ and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2016/09/military-leadership-qualities.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/04/24/for-a-military-officer-is-mental-robustness-more-important-then-physical-fitness/ etc 

OLQ – “Officer Like Qualities” : What is “OLQ”...?

If you join the Defence Services – the Army, the Navy or Air Force – as an Officer – you will hear a term of Military Jargon being bandied about freely – OLQ – which is the acronym for OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES 

OLQ is a most nebulous term. 

What is the meaning of OLQ…? 

Is OLQ defined…? 

Or – is OLQ just Military Jargon or Nebulous Gobbledygook…? 

OLQ – OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES
Military Jargon or Nebulous Gobbledygook?
Musings of a Military Veteran
By
VIKRAM KARVE 

OLQ – Military Jargon or Nebulous Gobbledygook...?

If you join the Defence Services – the Army, the Navy or Air Force – as an Officer – you will hear a term of Military Jargon being bandied about freely – OLQ – which is the acronym for OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES

OLQ is a most nebulous term.

In my long service in the Navy – I asked many Officers to precisely define OLQ.

Most gave generic answers – but no one was able to precisely define OLQ – or clearly specify what exactly constituted OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES

Everyone had his own subjective concept of OLQ.

To me – OLQ seems a bit of gobbledygook.

OLQ means OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES.

So – by its very definition – OLQ pertains only to OFFICERS.

This means that Personnel Below Officers Rank (PBOR) like Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen are not supposed to have OLQ.

Maybe they are supposed to have SLQ (Soldier Like Qualities or Sailor Like Qualities) or ALQ (Airmen Like Qualities) et al

Does this mean that if you are an Officer – you automatically have OLQ.

Are some individuals born with OLQ.

Or is it vice versa – that you develop OLQ once you become an officer.

Some soldiers/sailors/airmen are promoted from the ranks to become officers.

Does this mean that till they were soldiers/sailors/airmen they did not have OLQ – and the moment they got promoted as officers – overnight they acquired OLQ?

It is all very confusing.

So – let us delve a bit deeper.

WHAT IS OLQ

What is OLQ...?

What are the “Officer Like Qualities” required in a Naval Officer...?

Do you want to know the answer to this question...?

It is simple.

Click the url link below and go to the FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) page of the Indian Navy Recruitment Website:

Now – have a look at Question No. 3

What kind of “Officer like Qualities” are required for commission in the Navy...?

Now click on the Question and read the answer provided:

The candidates who successfully pass the competitive examination conducted by the UPSC, are interviewed by the Services Selection Boards. Officer Like Qualities of a candidate are assessed during these interviews, which last for about 3 to 4 days. In broad terms, the ability of an individual to withstand physical and mental stress, leadership qualities, determination, fighting spirit, clarity of thought, expression, resolve and overall suitability is assessed during the course of the interview.

I am paraphrasing below the relevant extract of the above answer which defines OLQ or Officer Like Qualities:

In broad terms…Officer Like Qualities or OLQ…is the ability of an individual to withstand physical and mental stress, leadership qualities, determination, fighting spirit, clarity of thought, expression, resolve…

(Please note that even here – OLQ is not defined precisely – but the concept of OLQ is explained only in “broad terms”) 

Does OLQ focus more on PERSONALITY rather than CHARACTER...?

From the definition of OLQ given above – it appears that the focus is on “personality” rather than “character”.

It is surprising that core value-based inner qualities like truthfulness, trustworthiness, honesty, forthrightness and integrity are not considered “Officer Like Qualities”.

Is OLQ all about Personality...?

What about Character Traits like Ethics, Moral Values, Honesty and Integrity...?

Are these positive character traits not considered OLQ...?

Are these not being assessed by Services Selection Boards...?

If OLQ means having a good personality but excludes character traits – then:

Is it okay for an officer to have a good “personality” – but be morally corrupt...?

Is this the reason why so many scams, scandals and acts of moral turpitude are taking place in the defence services in which many senior officers have been alleged to be involved...? 

Should OLQ include “ETHICAL FITNESS”...?

Do you not feel that sound immaculate character attributes and unblemished ethical qualities are an essential part of OLQ...?

Are these moral qualities of character not more important than the personality traits mentioned in the definition of OLQ given in the Navy Recruitment Website...?

What is your view?

Please tell us.

Do you feel that Ethics, Moral Values, Honesty and Integrity are not essential “Officer Like Qualities”...?

Do you think that an officer need not be truthful, trustworthy, honest and forthright under all circumstances?

Do you feel that concepts like “code of conduct” and “honour code” are outdated ideas of the past and have no relevance in the current environment?

Or are you of the view that – in today’s modern world – to succeed in the defence services – an officer needs to be “street smart” rather than straightforward...?

Does OLQ mean “STREET SMARTNESS” ?

Does OLQ mean “street smartness” ?

“Street Smartness” is the shrewd ability of how to survive or succeed in any situation using any means.

“Street Smartness” requires you to “Morally Pliable” 

Or – to use an euphemism – to be “Street Smart” – you must have have “Tact”.

So – does OLQ boil down to outwardly having an “Officer-like personality” – and inwardly being “Street Smart”...?

Is this how we want our Army, Navy and Air Force officers to be...?

Do “Character Attributes” like Ethics, Moral Values, Honesty and Integrity have no place in OLQ...?

Do we want “tactful street-smart officers” who shine outside but are hollow inside...?

DO SERVICES SELECTION BOARDS (SSB) ASSESS “ETHICAL FITNESS” ?

If one goes by the answer given in the Navy Recruitment Website which lists the “Officer Like Qualities” which are assessed during the Services Selection Board (SSB) Interview – it seems that officer candidates are not being assessed for “Ethical Fitness”.

When you select an Officer for the Defence Services:

You assess intellectual fitness (UPSC Examination – NDA/CDSE/Naval Academy).

You assess physical fitness (SSB).

You assess “psychological” fitness (SSB).

You assess medical fitness (Military Hospital).

But do you assess Ethical Fitness...?

Why does OLQ not include “Character Attributes” like Ethics, Moral Values, Honesty and Integrity?

Why is “Ethical Fitness” not being assessed by SSBs...?

Is “Ethical Fitness” not a part of OLQ...?

Do we want Military Officers who are “Ethically Unfit”...?

It all depends on the moot question:

What is OLQ ?

I hope some military veteran will enlighten us on this moot point.

What is the meaning of OLQ...?

Do “Officer Like Qualities” only comprise personality attributes and not character traits...? 

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

The above post is an updated version of my post WHAT IS OLQ - THE DEFINITION OF OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES posted by me on this blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal on Saturday, July 6, 2013 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/07/what-is-olq-definition-of-officer-like.html and revised/reposted at url: https://www.quora.com/profile/Vikram-Karve/Writing-by-VIKRAM-KARVE/MILITARY-OFFICER-LIKE-QUALITIES-OLQ and https://www.quora.com/profile/Vikram-Karve/Writing-by-VIKRAM-KARVE/OLQ-Officer-Like-Qualities-a-most-Nebulous-Term-Military-Jargon-or-Gobbledygook and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2018/05/olq-officer-like-qualities_9.html  and  https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/05/08/olq-officer-like-qualities-military-jargon-or-nebulous-gobbledygook/ etc