Wednesday, August 30, 2017

A “Passionate” Slam-Dunk

A Fictional Spoof

Office of the Commanding Officer (CO) of a “Stone Frigate” (Navy Shore Establishment)

(This Story happened around 40 years ago – Circa 1970’s)  

The Commanding Officer (CO) – a Commander – looks at the Lieutenant – sitting in front of him.

Then – the CO says to the Lieutenant:

“You have sought a personal interview with me…?”

“Yes, Sir…” the Lieutenant says.

“You refused to discuss the matter with the Executive Officer (XO) – you told the XO that you would discuss the matter only with me…”

“Yes, Sir…”

“Do you have a personal complaint against the Executive Officer…?”

“No, Sir…”

“Then – what is the issue that you can’t discuss with him and come to me through proper channel…? Why do you want to bypass the chain of command…?”

“Sir – the matter is “delicate” in nature…”

“What the hell do you mean “delicate in nature” – there is nothing bloody “delicate” in the Navy…”

“Sir – please hear me out…”

“Okay – be brief – I haven’t got all day…”

“Sir – I want an immediate transfer from this place…”

“No one wants to come to this remote “Kala Pani” in the middle of the ocean. Every bugger who is posted here to the “islands” – he tries to avoid coming here by pulling strings to get his appointment cancelled. And – if that doesn’t work – and he lands up here – the moment he arrives – he starts putting up applications for transfer – because he wants to get out of here as fast as possible…”

“Sir – I have been here…”

“You have spent only 6 months here…”

“No, Sir – I have completed more than 2 years over here in “Kala Pani”… ”

“You have spent 2 years in the islands…?”

“Yes, Sir – I have been here for more than 2 years here. Sir – before reporting to this establishment – I spent more than one and half years on a ship based over here…”

“That doesn’t matter. I have taken over command of this establishment only a few days ago…”

“Sir – that is the reason I want to be transferred out…”

“What…? Are you saying that you want to be transferred out of this establishment only because I have taken over as the Commanding Officer…?”

“Yes, Sir…”

“You don’t want to serve under my command…? This is the first time someone has said so – and – I am very upset – because I pride myself as a good Commanding Officer. Young man – let me assure you – I may be a hard taskmaster as far as work is concerned – but I have never harmed anyone’s career. In fact – I give thumping appraisal reports – so – you don’t worry about your ACR…”

“Sir – it is not that…”

“Then – what is it…?”

“Sir – I told you – it is a very “delicate” matter – so – I don’t wish to discuss it…”

“You don’t worry – I will be very “discreet” about it – whatever you say to me – it stays within the four walls of my office. Do you understand…?” the CO says to the Lieutenant.

The Lieutenant remains silent. He seems reluctant to speak.

So – the CO says to him:

“Come on – speak up – why do you want a transfer out of this place…”

“Sir – I don’t wish to…”

“Let me make it clear – if you want me to forward your case – you will have to tell me the exact reason why you want transfer out from this place. Tell me – on what grounds do you want transfer…? It seems to me that you want transfer on “compassionate” grounds…”

“Sir – “passionate” grounds…”

“What…? You want transfer on “passionate” grounds…?”

“Yes, Sir…”

“Are you crazy or something…? I have never heard a Naval Officer or Sailor requesting transfer on “passionate” grounds. Could you please elaborate what these “passionate” grounds are…?”

“Sir – a woman is in love with me…”

“Oh – I knew it would be a “matter of the heart”. So – this “girlfriend” of yours – she is on the “mainland” – is it…? And – you are desperate to be close to her over there. Where is this girlfriend – Mumbai, Vizag, Cochin, Delhi…? Please tell me – so I can recommend accordingly…” the CO says sarcastically.

“Sir – the lady is over here…” the Lieutenant says to the CO.

“Oh – “lady” – your “ladylove” is over here – so – what’s the problem…? You should be happy to be with her over here – isn’t it…?”

“Sir – it’s not that…”

“Ah – now I understand – you said “a woman is in love with me” – this means that you are not in love with her – so – you want to “dump” her – and the best way to dump her is for you to escape from here to the mainland and never come back – isn’t it…?”

“Sir – I am also in love with the lady – we both are in love with each other…”

“Really…? So what’s the problem…? You should want to stay here forever – so that you can have a good time with your “ladylove”…”

“Sir – she is married…”

“Oh…!!! Well – you have certainly managed to keep your “affair” discreet. No one seems to know about your “love affair” – at least – no one in the unit seems to know…”


“Well – as far as I am concerned – it is your personal affair – so – you can have a “good time” with her – as long as you can keep your affair discreet. Tell me – this “ladylove” of yours – her husband – he must be living away on the mainland – so she feels “lonely” and finds “solace” in your arms…”

“Sir – her husband is living with her over here…”

“Oh – then you must be very careful – I don’t want an angry cuckolded husband knocking at my door…”

“Sir – please listen…”

“Ah – one more thing – I hope your ladylove’s husband is not in the Navy…”

“Sir – her husband is in the Navy…”

“What…? She is a Naval Officer’s Wife…? Then – you must stop your affair at once. I don’t want a “stealing the affection of a brother officer’s wife” scandal under my command. Do you understand…? By the way – for how long is this “love affair” of yours going on…? 

“Sir – there is no “affair” – the “lady” has just come here recently…”

“What…? She has come here only recently…?”

“Yes, Sir – she was my classmate in college – my ex-girlfriend – we were very close – we had a very intimate relationship. Then – I joined the Navy – and we lost contact. I was surprised to see her over here in the Club last evening. But – she said that she knew that I was posted here. She told me that she is still in love with me – and – she propositioned me. Let me be frank, Sir – I still have feelings for her – and it will be difficult for me to resist – after all – she is an “old flame” of mine – and – just a “spark” could “rekindle” old flames – so – it would be best for me to go away from here…”

“I get your point – “prevention” is better than “cure” – I can’t afford a “stealing affections” scandal under my command – it will be the end of my Navy career…”

“Sir – when will I get my transfer order…? I want to go away as early as possible. Do you want me to submit a formal application…?”

“You don’t worry – I will get it done unofficially. Tell me – given a choice – where would you like to go…?”

“Sir – if possible – I would like to go to Mumbai…”

“Okay – I will try…”

“Thank you, Sir…”

“Before you go – tell me one thing – who is this lady – your “old flame”…?”

“Sir – please don’t ask me – it’s a question of her honour – she is married now – and that too – to a Naval Officer…”

“You will have to tell me – the Admiral may ask me – so – I must know the name. But – you don’t worry – we will keep it in the strictest confidence…”

“Please, Sir…”

“No. You will have to tell me. If you want me to expedite your transfer case – you will have to tell me her name…”

“Sir – I thought you would have guessed…”


“Your wife…”


“Yes, Sir – your wife and me were classmates in college – didn’t she tell you…?”  


After the Lieutenant has left – the CO – the recently married Commander – he sits alone in his office.  

The CO ponders – and – he says to himself:

“Why did my wife not tell me about all this – that this Lieutenant was her classmate – and they were in love with each other…?”

“What did the Lieutenant mean when he said that they had an “intimate relationship”…?”

“Was the Lieutenant her only “flame”…?”

Or – did she have many “affairs”…?”

“What things from her past life has she hidden from me…?”

“Did I make a mistake in marrying a girl 11 years younger than me…?”

“And – why did she agree to marry me – a man 11 years older than her…?”

“Did she not find a younger husband…? Why…? Is it something to do with her character…? Is she a “nympho” or something…?”

All sorts of suspicious thoughts perambulate in the Commander’s mind.

He says to himself:

“I must be careful. I must keep a close watch on my wife…” 

Next morning – while waiting at the airport to board his flight to the mainland on his way to Mumbai – the Lieutenant feels a wicked sort of happiness as he thinks of the CO’s wife (the Lieutenant’s ex-girlfriend)

The Lieutenant says to himself:

“I have taken my revenge against her for “dumping” me so cruelly…”

“Her husband – the old bugger – he swallowed my story “hook, line and sinker” – and I have sown the seed of suspicion in his mind forever – so he will always suspect his wife – and she will never be happy in her marriage…”  

“I have “slam-dunked” her nicely – good and proper…” 

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1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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