“Sea Dogs” and “Sea Dolls” – Navy Humor

Humor in Uniform

Navy Humor

“SEA DOGS” and “SEA DOLLS”

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this spoof only if you have a sense of humor. 

2. This article is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

3. This spoof is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

“SEA DOGS” and “SEA DOLLS”

The terms “dog” and “doll” are used in a metaphorical sense.

Whenever I want to use slang or unconventional English – I refer to The Concise New Partridge Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English 

In this Slang Dictionary – if you look at the meaning of the word “Doll” – you will see that – one meaning of the word “Doll” is: 

A “Doll” is “a very attractive person of any sex that you may find attractive”.

So – as per this definition: 

A “Sea Doll” is a person who you may find attractive at Sea. 

In short: 

“Sea Doll” is a good looking Naval Officer or Sailor.

And – of course – you know that:

“Sea Dog” means an experienced Naval Officer or Sailor. 

So – Dear Reader – enjoy the spoof on “Sea Dogs” and “Sea Dolls”...

SEA DOGS and SEA DOLLS – A Spoof by Vikram Karve

When I joined the Navy – nore than 42 years ago – in the 1970’s – I observed that there were two types of Naval Officers:

1. Sea Dogs

2. Sea Dolls

Now – before you jump the gun and accuse me of “gender insensitivity” – please note that the term “Sea Doll” is not being used for Women Naval Officers.

When I joined the Navy – there were no Women Naval Officers – except a few “landlubber quack chicks” in the medical branch.

Even today – in India – Women Naval Officers adorn only “soft” shore billets.

A Woman Naval Officer does not have to undergo the tough strenuous ship life of Male Naval Officer on warships at sea.

So – maybe I will have to conjure up some other epithet (without the prefix “sea”) for these “feminine landlubber ladies” in white uniform.

I have digressed – so let me come back to the topic of “Sea Dogs” and “Sea Dolls”.

As a young Naval Officer – I realized that there are Two Navies within the Navy:

1. The “Operational” Navy – comprising all aspects pertaining to warfighting at sea – warships, submarines, aircraft, the dockyards and various frontline units supporting the fleet...

2. The “Ceremonial” Navy – comprising all the “showmanship” activities like parades, fleet reviews, Public Relations (PR) Exercises, “shop windows”, events like navy week and navy ball, public shows, parties, social events et al…

“Sea Dogs” ran the “gristly, gritty and grimy” Operational Navy.

“Sea Dolls” ran the “spick and span” Ceremonial Navy.

“Sea Dogs” were rugged masculine looking men.

In contrast – “Sea Dolls” adorned the “fair and handsome” genteel “metrosexual” look.

Most “Sea Dogs” sported rough and tough “Full Set” Beards.

“Sea Dolls” preferred to have an elegant and pretty “clean-shaven” look.

There were some exceptions.

I have seen some clean-shaven non-bearded “Sea Dogs”.

But – I have never seen a “Sea Doll” with a beard.

Whether bearded or not – “Sea Dogs” preferred the tough natural look – a seaman’s robust grooming and rugged brawny turn out.

“Sea Dolls” were obsessed with maintaining a suave polished appearance and chic glamorous attractive turn out.

“Sea Dogs” were “tough cookies”.

Most “Sea Dogs” had an abrasive personality – like rough and tough sailors.

In stark contrast – “Sea Dolls” were “smooth operators”.

All “Sea Dolls” had a pleasing personality – like slick charming corporate executives.

In earlier days – it was the “Sea Dogs” who dominated the senior ranks in the Navy. 

But – gradually – the tide seems to have turned in favour of the “Sea Dolls”.

I wonder whether the same applies to the Army and Air Force – and what are the Army and Air Force equivalents of “Sea Dogs” and “Sea Dolls”.

By the way – have you read the classic military novel Catch-22...?

Yes...? 

You have read Catch-22...? 

Good. 

Let me give you a metaphorical example from the novel Catch-22.

If “Catch 22” was a Navy Novel: 

A “Sea Dog” would be someone like General Dreedle 

(an archetypal no-nonsense blunt plain-speaking military man) 

and 

A “Sea Doll” would be someone like General Peckem 

 

(a pompous pretentious sycophantic show-off)

If you have read Catch-22 – you will understand what I mean. 

Dear Reader: 

I can go on and on about “Sea Dogs” and “Sea Dolls” till the cows come home.

But – Dear Reader – by now – I am sure you have got the drift.

So – the next time you see a Naval Officer – have some fun and amuse yourself.

Have a good look at the Navy Officer – and try to judge for yourself: 

Is he a tough “Sea Dog”...? 

Or – is he a glamorous “Sea Doll”...?

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This blog post is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

 

THE JOLLY GOOD “TERRIBLE” FELLOW - The Unforgettable Doctor in Uniform

HUMOR IN UNIFORM

THE JOLLY GOOD “TERRIBLE” FELLOW

I made friends with many “fauji” Doctors, mostly on ships, a few ashore, especially during my stints at IAT.

I have described a few in my post:   “DOC DANEEKAS IN UNIFORM”

Of all the “fauji” Doctors I came across, the most unforgettable character of them all was Colonel “N” (a “terrible” fellow)

Dear Readers: From my Humor in Uniform Archives, here is the hilarious story of “Terrible Fellow”, once more, for you to enjoy: 

THE UNFORGETTABLE DOCTOR IN UNIFORM – THE JOLLY GOOD “TERRIBLE” FELLOW

A Spoof Story

By

VIKRAM KARVE

He is a “Jolly Good” Terrible Fellow

This happened long back, 33 years ago.

We were only two bachelors living on the first floor cabins of the staff block of the officers’ mess – Colonel “N” and myself.

Of course, I was a true unmarried bachelor, whereas “N” was a forced bachelor, a married bachelor, as his wife was working in Mumbai where she lived along with their school-going children.

Colonel “N” was a doctor, an Army Medical Corps (AMC) Officer, who was commanding the local Military Hospital (MH).

The MH was located inside our Naval Establishment, a training base located in the back of beyond.

It was a small hospital, with just a handful of doctors and staff.

In fact, the MH comprised just a few decrepit barracks located in a rather desolate corner of the base.

The only bright thing about the MH was its Commanding Officer – Colonel “N” – who was a most jovial chap.

“N” was a Keralite, a Malayali, and like most officers from Kerala, he was a down-to-earth hardworking officer, very sincere in his job.

Though he was a senior Colonel, “N” did not pull rank. 

He did not exhibit unnecessary airs, he did not have an inflated ego, and we all liked his rather amiable disposition.

Despite the age difference between us (“N” was in his late 40’s and I was in my early 20’s) he had such a likable nature that we became close friends.

What we liked about “N” was that he was not rank conscious.

“Rank has got nothing to do with medicine”, he would bellow at fellow doctors who tried to pull rank over their juniors and patients, soldiers, sailors and airmen, who came for medical treatment to the MH from nearby military bases.

Every evening “N” and I would sit on the lawns of the officers’ mess, or on the terrace of the staff block, and polish off a bottle of rum, drinking late into the night, sometimes till the wee hours of the morning.

I remember one occasion, when “N” was in high spirits, topped up to the hilt, and suddenly he pointed towards the horizon and said, “Look – there is a fire over there – maybe some ship, an oil tanker is on fire.”

I looked at the distant eerie orange glow.

Soon the sun broke the horizon and we realized that it was sunrise.

Yes, it was no fire, but sunrise, as dawn broke, and the first rays of the sun emanated from just below the horizon causing an orange glow in the sky.

We had been drinking the entire night, right until dawn.

“N” and I enjoyed our drinking sessions.

We both liked to talk, and we had many yarns to tell, especially “N” who regaled me with his never-ending “Medical Anecdotes” and “Army Stories”.

The most remarkable feature about “N” was his amusing diction.

At times, his choice of words was hilarious.

If “N” liked someone, he would say: “He is a terrible fellow.”

Spoken in his typical jovial Kerala accent, with “N” rolling the two “R’s” in the word “terrible” on his tongue, his signature phrase “He is a terrible fellow” had a rather delightful effect.

“VIP” Terrible Fellow

One day, at a meeting, our Commanding Officer (CO) asked “N” whether he knew anything about the Army Medical Corps (AMC) General from Headquarters who was coming down to inspect the Military Hospital (MH).

“Oh yes, I know the General quite well – he is a terrible fellow,” said “N” in his usual candid style.

On hearing this statement, that the inspecting officer was a “terrible fellow”, our career-conscious CO got quite anxious.

For our CO, a Technical Commodore who had never commanded anything in his life before, this was a crucial “do-or-die” appointment which would determine his further promotion to Admiral.

So he was extremely anxious that nothing should go wrong during his tenure. 

Strictly speaking, the MH was an independent entity, but still it was located inside the Naval Establishment and our CO did not want to take any chances.

Our CO was quite wary of the apparent easygoing ways and seemingly couldn’t-care-less attitude of “N”, who was the Officer Commanding Military Hospital (OC MH).

So, as the date for the inspection approached, our CO became extremely tense and jittery.

Our CO was very nervous and terribly paranoid that should something go wrong with the inspection of the MH, he may inadvertently end up getting a “black mark” which may ruin his career.

So, our CO took personal charge and pulled out all stops to ensure that the inspection was a success.

Our CO would personally take rounds of the MH every morning.

Our CO would spend hours planning, supervising, rehearsing and micromanaging every aspect of the impending inspection.

On the other hand, “N” seemed to be quite nonchalant.

Actually “N” was the OC MH and he should have been “sweating” for the inspection of his MH, but he seemed to be cool and relaxed.

In fact, our CO had planned the itinerary meticulously down to the smallest detail, since our CO did not want the MH to be caught on the wrong foot by the “terrible fellow” AMC General who was coming for the inspection.

One evening, I commented to “N” that our CO seemed to be interfering a bit too much in the affairs of the MH.

“N” smiled at me, and, in his usual unperturbed manner, he said, “Well, if your CO wants to do my job, he is most welcome to do so.”

Contrary to our CO’s expectations, the “terrible fellow” turned out to be a most “jolly good fellow”.

Yes, the AMC General was a most informal and unfussy inspecting officer and he carried out the inspection in a most jovial and relaxed manner exchanging witty jokes and banter with our CO, the staff, the patients and all of us in the entourage.

In the evening, there was a cocktail party to “celebrate” the successful inspection.

Our nonplussed CO was looking quite sternly at “N” who was thoroughly enjoying his drinks along with the AMC General.

Suddenly, a happily drunk “N” looked at our CO. 

“N” pointed towards the AMC General and said loudly to our CO, “I told you that he is a terrible fellow.”  

Matrimonial “Matchmaker” Terrible Fellow

A few days later, one morning, “N” summoned me to his office, which was quite unusual.

“N” had said it was something urgent, so I rushed to his office in the MH.

“Hey, there was a matrimonial enquiry about you,” he said.

“From who?” I asked, quite surprised, as I was not aware of any matchmaking moves.

“I just got a call from one of ex-bosses. He is a Brigadier in the AMC who is posted in Pune. He is a Maharashtrian like you. He is looking for a suitable match for his daughter.”

“Well, I don’t know anything…”

“N” looked at me and said, “You know how these things work – by word of mouth. Someone back home must have told the Brigadier or his wife about you. They must have found out that you are posted here. So the Brigadier must have thought it best to ask me, the nearest AMC Officer, about you.”

                                                                          

“So, what did you tell the Brigadier?” I asked.

“N” looked at me with warm affection and said, “I told the Brigadier that you are a terrible fellow. In fact, I like you so much, so I told him that you are a terribly terrible fellow.”

Those momentous words of “praise” put an immediate end to the rather promising matrimonial prospect for me and there were no further inquiries about me from the AMC Brigadier.

“Retired” Terrible Fellow

A few years later, one evening, I met “N” on Colaba Causeway.

“N” had retired from the Army and was working at a leading hospital in Mumbai.

I invited “N” over to my ship for a drink.

We sat in the wardroom, drinking and talking of the good old days.

The Captain sent down his compliments to me in the wardroom asking me to bring along “N” for a drink to the Captain’s cabin.

After we were seated in the Captain’s Cabin, drinks in hand, the Captain looked at “N” and said: “Sir, do you remember me? I was once admitted to MH Khadki and you were the Medical Officer in-charge of the Officers’ Ward.”

“N” looked carefully at the Captain and suddenly his eyes lit up and he said, “Oh, so you are the terrible fellow who used to disappear without a bloody outpass to romance with my pretty nursing officer? What a terrible fellow you were!”

“Sir, thanks to you, I got married to her,” my Captain said.

“Really? I must say you are truly a very terrible fellow,” “N” said.

We talked. We drank. It was hilarious to hear of their escapades.

It was almost midnight by the time we finished and we were quite happily drunk.

As a mark of respect to “N”, the Captain came to see him off the gangway.

The OOD, the duty PO and the Quartermaster were all smartly lined up at the gangway.

As “N” crossed the gangway, everyone saluted.

Suddenly, “N” turned around and shouted jovially to the OOD and the gangway staff: “Let me tell you one thing. You are very lucky. Your Captain is a terrible fellow. In fact, your Captain is an utterly terrible fellow.”

Next morning, rather contrite, I went to the Captain to explain: “Sir, actually he meant that you are a jolly good fellow.”

“I know,” my Captain said, “By the way “N” rang me up in the morning to thank me for the hospitality. And do you know what he said about you?”

“What did he say about me, Sir?” I asked quite curious.

“He told me that you are a terribly terrible fellow,” the Captain said.

Taken aback a bit – I was wondering what to say – when my Captain suddenly broke into a laugh, and he said to me: “Well – “Terrible Fellow” is bad enough – but he called you a “Terribly Terrible Fellow” – isn’t that the ultimate compliment?”

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)