Humor in Uniform – Scuttlebutt

Humor in Uniform 

Disclaimer: 

This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

SCUTTLEBUTT

A Fictional Spoof  

By

VIKRAM KARVE

The TASO sidled up drunkenly towards me and said to me: “I’ll tell you something – but – you must keep it to yourself…”

[The “TAS Officer” aka TASO (Torpedo Anti-Submarine Officer) – he was the senior-most “in-living” officer.

With our penchant for changing names – and – in consonance with the increasing “Americanization” of our Naval Culture – TASO was later re-designated as ASWO (Anti-Submarine Warfare Officer)…]

Dear Reader – this story happened 42 years ago – in the 1970’s – when I was serving on a frontline warship of the western fleet.

After a long sailing exercise – we had returned to our base port Mumbai (it was called Bombay those days).

It was the first day of the monsoon – and – it was raining heavily.

The TASO had returned from leave from New Delhi (his hometown).

Normally – the “Deluxe” arrived at Bombay Central (Mumbai Central) at 5 PM – but today – due the heavy rains – the train had arrived 5 hours late- and by the time the TASO had reached our ship berthed in the Dockyard – it was past 11 PM.

I called the “Duty Steward” – I told him to open the Wardroom Bar – and I told him to fry some “Luncheon Meat” as “Small Eats” for the hungry TASO.

(Well – things may be different today – people may be sticky about bar and meal timings – but those days – we treated our ship’s wardroom as our home – and – things were quite informal and comfortable – especially for officers)

The TASO had a bath and arrived in the Wardroom.

I smiled at the TASO.

He smiled back.

The TASO was a good guy – and – despite the fact that he was 5 years senior to me in the rank of Lieutenant – we were good friends.

(Those days – in the 1970’s – after being commissioned as an Officer in the Navy – it took you 3 years to become a Lieutenant – and then – you remained a Lieutenant for 8 long years – before being promoted to the rank of Lieutenant Commander – after a total of 11 years of commissioned service.

Today – you see “greenhorns” – who haven’t yet fully grown their whiskers – strutting around wearing “two and a half stripes” of a Lieutenant Commander – after just 6 years of commissioned service – thanks to the benevolent Ajai Vikram Singh Cadre Review Report aka AVS 2006 – which has reduced the value of senior ranks to subaltern status…)

The Duty Steward placed the plate of Luncheon Meat in front of us.

The Steward asked the TASO: “Sir – would you like a drink…?”

“Take out a bottle of whisky – fill up the ice box – keep a jug of water – and give me the keys to the fridge – in case we want soda or something else…” the TASO said to the Steward.

“Aye Aye, Sir…” the Steward said, “should I tell the cook to make some dinner for you…?”

“No. This Luncheon Meat should be enough. You can secure…” the TASO said to the Steward.

“Thank you, Sir…” the Steward said – he kept everything on the table as instructed – gave us the keys to the fridge – and went away.

We – the TASO and I – we started drinking.

“Sir – did you visit DOP…?” I asked the TASO.

“Of course I visited DOP – that’s the advantage if your home station in Delhi – you can make your “pilgrimage” to DOP at least once a year – maybe twice – when you go on leave…” the TASO said.

(DOP is “Director of Personnel” at Naval Headquarters – who looks after appointments and transfers)

“Sir – any news…?” I asked the TASO.

“I’ll tell you something – but – you must keep it to yourself…” the TASO said.

“Of course, Sir…” I said.

“Our “Old Man” is going on transfer…”

“What…? Our Captain is going on transfer…? So suddenly…?”

“Yes – most unexpected – his normal tenure was for another 6 months at least – but they are pulling him out urgently for a diplomatic assignment…”

“Diplomatic Assignment…? Our Captain is going as NA…?”

“Yes – Naval Attaché – to one of the best countries – a most prestigious appointment.”

“We didn’t know anything about this…”

“No one knew. It happened quite suddenly – just last week. The guy who was supposed to go – he had a severe car accident and is hospitalized with his legs and bones all broken – he will take a long time to be medically fit – so – our boss was chosen…”

“Does our “Old Man” know…? He didn’t say anything…”

“I am sure he knows – but he must be keeping it to himself till everything comes in black and white…”

“Are you sure, Sir…? I asked the TASO.

“Of course I am sure…” the TASO said, “the DOP told me all this in strict confidence. You know how close I am to the DOP, don’t you…?”

“Yes, Sir – you told me that he is your uncle…”

“He is not my uncle – his wife is related to me – she is my cousin sister…”

“Oh…” I said, “Sir – any idea who is the new Captain…?”

“That’s the bad news…”

“Bad news…?”

The TASO looked at me – and he said with a wicked smile: “Brace yourself – our new Captain is going to be “Bum Bandit”…”

“Shit…! “Bum Bandit”…? Are you sure, Sir…?” I asked the TASO.

“100% sure – the DOP told me himself…”

“I thought “Bum Bandit” was “dry listed”…”

“He pulled some high-level strings and got himself “wet listed”…”

“But why our ship…?”

“The first vacancy – our bad luck…”

“So – it’s bad days ahead…”

“Yes – this “Bum Bandit” bugger has a terrible reputation – he is a bloody sadist – he screws the hell out of everyone – literally and figuratively. And just imagine – the bugger is a confirmed bachelor – so – he will be staying on board even in harbour – so our life will be hell 24/7…”

“Hopefully – he will get his own “fags” and “peg boys”…”

“He wanted to – but DOP refused – no crew change…”

“Then – we better steer clear and cover our backsides…”

“Don’t worry – there are plenty of “Sea Dolls” on board for “Bum Bandit” to target…”

“Anyway – we are in for a tough time. We will really miss our “Old Man” – he was a good Captain who ran a happy ship…” 

“He will be leaving next week – the official letter may be issued tomorrow…?

“That’s sad…” I said.

“Let’s kill the bottle and go to sleep…” the TASO said.

So – we polished off the remains of the whisky and hit our bunks.

NEXT MORNING

We were enjoying a hearty Navy style “English” breakfast of porridge, bacon and eggs, sausages, ham, salami etc – when the Captain’s “Doggy” entered the wardroom – he looked at the TASO and said: “Sir – Captain’s Compliments…”

“Now…?” the TASO asked the Captain’s “Doggy”.

“After “Both Watches”, Sir…” the Captain’s “Doggy” said – then he looked at me and said: “You too, Sir…”

30 minutes later – we knocked on the Captain’s Cabin.

“Come in…” the Captain shouted from inside.

We entered – and saluted the Captain.

The Captain shouted at us: “What’s this bloody bilge you are spreading around…?”

We remained silent.

The Captain looked at the TASO and said: “Well – I would love to go on a diplomatic assignment – but – I am going nowhere – I am here to stay as your Captain – whether you like it or not…”

“Sir – we wanted to expose your “spy” in the wardroom…” the TASO said.

“What…? “Spy” in the Wardroom…?” the Captain said.

“Yes, Sir – you seem to know everything that goes on in the wardroom – so we knew you that had a “spy” who was ratting on us…” I said.

“And you have found out who my “spy” is…?” the Captain said.

“Yes, Sir – “Cute Boy” – he was the only other person in the wardroom last night – sitting quietly in the corner watching the late night movie on TV…” the TASO said.

“He was the bloody OOD – it is his job to report things to me…”

“Sir – is he supposed to eavesdrop and come squealing to you…?”

“Shut up…” the Captain said, “Anyway – you buggers leave him alone – he was terrified when he heard the name of the new “Captain” who was going to replace me…”

“Terrified…?”

“You know what happened to him when he was a “Snotty” – don’t you…?”

“No, Sir…”

“I’ll tell you sometime…” the Captain said, “I had half a mind to “log” you buggers – but I’ll let it go this time. Now – stop your bloody antics and get on with your jobs…”

“Aye Aye, Captain…” we said.

Then – we saluted and beat a hasty retreat. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Navy Customs and Traditions – Part 1 – “Impressment” – “Press Gang” – “Shanghai”

“IMPRESSMENT” – “PRESS GANG” – “SHANGHAI”

Navy Customs and Traditions – Part 1

By

VIKRAM KARVE

IMPRESSMENT – “PRESSING” MEN INTO NAVAL SERVICE

Impressment means forcing men into Naval Service by compulsion.

Colloquially – Impressment – the practice of “pressing” men into Naval Service – was also called “Press Gang” or “Shanghai”.

In the 16^th 17^th and 18^th Centuries (the era of Sailing Ships) – in order to explore the world and create colonies all over the world – European Nations developed powerful Navies with large number of Ships.

Those days – on age of sail – working conditions for Sailors were harsh and life was dangerous.

So – most citizens were unwilling to work on ships as sailors – resulting in a shortage of crew on ships.

Navies of several nations used forced recruitment by various means.

The large size of the British Royal Navy in the Age of Sail resulted in impressment being most commonly associated with Britain.

Impressment practices included kidnapping and abducting men and putting them on board ships to serve as sailors by coercive techniques such as trickery, intimidation, violence, drugging, or by getting them drunk.  

Impressment was used by the Royal Navy since 1664 and during the 18th and early 19th centuries as a means of crewing warships.

In the early 18^th century – impressment was given legal sanction.

Impressment – wherein the British Crown had the right to capture men and force them into Naval Service – was passed by Acts of British Parliament in 1703 – and later in 1705, 1740 and 1779.

All “eligible” men of between the ages of 18 and 55 years were liable to impressment to serve on ships.

Impressment relied on the legal power of the King to call men to Naval/Military Service – and – as far as citizens were concerned – the failure to allow oneself to be “pressed” into service was punishable by hanging – although the punishment became less severe over time.

IMPRESSMENT PROCEDURE – THE “IMPRESS SERVICE” aka “PRESS GANGS”

Impressment was implemented by the “Impress Service” (colloquially called the “Press Gang”).

Gangs of Thugs – called “Press Gangs” – were engaged to enforce impressment.

“Press Gangs” were paid handsomely.

These “Press Gangs” physically rounded up and captured men from Pubs, Markets and other public places – often at night. They also trapped unwilling people by defrauding them or getting them drunk.

The “captured” men were taken on board ship and locked up until the ship sailed out to sea.

These “captured” men who were “pressed” into service would be on the high seas by the time their absence was noticed ashore.

Some of these “pressed” sailors later died due to worsening of the injuries sustained during their capture while others succumbed to the dreaded disease “scurvy”.

Appearance of the dreaded “Press Gangs” in an area could force men to flee from there.

“Press Gangs” were most active in the 17^th and 18^th centuries – in fact – laws were passed as late as 1835 to uphold impressment.

Of course – all Naval Officers were “volunteers” – and – so were “key” Seamen like Warrant Officers, Boatswains (Bosuns), Ratings etc.  – and – there were a few “volunteer” Sailors too (who were paid a bounty upon joining) – but – most of the “lower deck” comprised “pressed” men.

At the time of the Battle of Trafalgar more than half the Royal Navy’s 120,000 sailors were “pressed” men.

The Royal Navy also impressed seamen from Merchant Ships at sea.

However – this was done by individual warships – rather than by the “Impress Service”.

The impressment of seamen from American Merchant Ships by Royal Navy Warships caused serious tensions between Britain and the United States in the years leading up to the War of 1812.

Though the public opposed “Impressment” – the practice of impressment was repeatedly upheld by the courts as it was deemed vital to the strength of the Navy – and – by extension – to the survival of the British influence and realm.

Although no Foreigner could normally be “pressed” into Naval Service – they lost their protection if they married a British woman – or had worked on a Merchant ship.

In some exceptional cases – the British Government protected certain men from “impressment”– by issuing “Protections” against impressment – which the “protected” men had to carry on their person at all times.

But – in times of crisis – the Admiralty would order a “Hot Press” – which meant that no-one remained exempt from “impressment”.

In due course – the practice of “Impressment” became increasingly unpopular with the British Public.

On occasions – local officials acted against “Press Gangs” – sometimes – to the point of imprisoning officers from the Impressment Service – or – opposing them by force of arms.

However – the practice of “impressment” continued.

At the time of the Battle of Trafalgar (1805) more than half the Royal Navy’s 120,000 sailors were “pressed” men.

After the defeat of Napoleon in 1814 – Britain ended the practice the practice of “Impressment”.

However – in lieu of “Impressment” – they started the practice of “conscription”.

And – the practice of “conscription” was not limited to the Royal Navy – but covered all Armed Forces.

SHANGHAIING

Whereas “Press Gang” refers specifically to impressment practices adopted by the British Royal Navy – the term “Shanghai” is more generic in nature applying to the Merchant Navy and Foreign Navies.

“Shanghaiing” means to take someone against his will for compulsory service – especially on board a ship.

To “Shanghai” someone is to kidnap or trick them into working for you.

The traditional way to “Shanghai” someone is to drug him and put him on a ship.

When the person wakes up – the ship is at sea – and he has no choice but to get to work.

The practice of “Shanghaiing” dates back to the 1800’s when all ships were Sailing Ships.

In Nautical Parlance – “Shanghai” means to enroll or obtain (a sailor) for the crew of a ship by unscrupulous means – as by force or the use of liquor or drugs.

The nautical term “To Shanghai” may have its origins in view of the fact that Shanghai (China) was the most common destination of merchant ships for which such abducted sailors were forcibly conscripted by unscrupulous methods to collect crews for ships sailing from England/America to Shanghai which was considered the most long, risky and difficult sea voyage for which it was difficult to assemble crews since sailors were not willing to sail for such and long, hard and dangerous voyage.

Ships needed crews – but working conditions on ships were so bad that crews were often obtained by trickery, bribery, force and outright kidnapping – or by getting a man drunk till he passed out or by drugging him to sleep – and then – abducting him on board the ship. When the man woke up after a few hours the ship would be sailing on the high seas – and the hapless “Shanghaied” sailor could do nothing except complete the voyage.

The Captain of a ship would “shanghai” people when his ship was short of sailors.

The “shanghaied” person would wake up and find himself at sea – often on a long trip like to Shanghai, China.

“Shanghaiing” was made possible by the existence of Boarding Masters (aka “Crimps”) – whose job was to find crews for ships.

Boarding Masters were paid “by the body”.

So – Boarding Masters had a strong incentive to place as many “Sailors” on ships as possible.

This “Pay” was called “Blood Money”.

The most straightforward method for a “Crimp” to “shanghai” a sailor – was – to render him unconscious by getting him drunk – forge his signature on the ship’s papers – put the “shanghaied” sailor on the ship – and – pick up his “Blood Money”.  

Though nautical in origin – over the years – the meaning of the term “shanghai” has since become more generic.

Today – in broad terms – the word “Shanghai” means to induce or compel someone to do something by trickery.

The term “Shanghai” is also used for Non-Naval “abductions”.  

For example – if you trick your best friend into coming home with you so she can do your chores – you “Shanghai” her. 

EPILOGUE

In countries like India – due to huge population and rampant unemployment – you will always have plenty of “volunteers” seeking jobs as sailors in the Navy – so – there will be no need for stratagems like “impressment”, “press gang” and “shanghaiing”.

On the other hand – those nations which face a shortage of “volunteers” for military/naval service – these nations may have to resort to “conscription” – albeit – not the “Press Gang” type of “Impressment” which may not be acceptable in the “Human Rights” standards of today. 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:
1. This story is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story is a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Life at Sea – The “Indispensable” Engineer

PROLOGUE 

This morning – while cleaning my bookshelves – I saw one of my “ancient” books on the most famous Naval Mutiny –  “Mutiny on the Bounty” 

The book is titled  CAPTAIN BLIGH AND MR. CHRISTIAN  – the author is Richard Hough – a distinguished historian – who took a new fascinating and controversial look at the Mutiny.

(The memorable 1984 Movie  THE BOUNTY  directed by Roger Donaldson and starring Mel Gibson and Anthony Hopkins is based on this book)  

In this book – the author comments: 

Captain Bligh was an excellent “Foul Weather Commander” – but – he was not as good as a “Fair Weather Commander”. 

Bligh was unsurpassed as a Captain in adversity – when the going was tough.

But – surprisingly – when the going was good – when things seemed to be going smoothly – he seemed “out of depth”.

During my Navy days – I too saw such hard taskmasters – tough “Sea Dogs” – who were excellent leaders in adverse circumstances and tough operational situations at sea – but – these same tough “Sea Dogs” were not that adept at “peacetime soldiering” ashore – pushing files in Headquarters and shore based offices.

Here is a “memoir” involving one such tough “Sea Dog” Captain – the Commanding Officer of my first ship. 

This story happened nearly 40 years ago – in the 1970’s...

THE “INDISPENSABLE” ENGINEER

Hilarious Memories of my Wonderful Navy Days

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

THE “INDISPENSABLE” ENGINEER – A Story by VIKRAM KARVE 

The Senior Engineer was going crazy.

The Senior Engineer was going crazy because his boss – the Engineer Officer – Commander (E) – would not give the Senior Engineer any leave.

“Senior” – as the Senior Engineer Officer was affectionately called – had not gone on leave for even a single day since he joined the ship almost six months ago.

At sea – there was no leave – since the ship was sailing – and the Senior Engineer was indispensable.

In harbour – Commander (E) denied leave to the hapless Senior Engineer on the pretext that there was repair and maintenance to be done.

At sea – while the Senior Engineer slogged below decks in the heat and grime of Engine Room in his overalls – the Commander (E) would sit in spotless whites playing bridge in the wardroom along with the other “unemployed” officers like “Pusser” (the Supply Officer), “Schoolie” (the “Education” Officer) and “Quack” (the Ship’s Doctor).

In harbour – the Commander (E) made Senior’s life hell by making him do all the tough and dirty work on board ship – while Commander (E) spent most of his time ashore networking with senior officers in the Headquarters to build his career and generally having a good time.

Commander (E) was a sadist.

A “pen-pusher” landlubber self-styled Marine Engineer who had spent most his naval career pushing files in Delhi – Commander (E) was always dressed in spotless whites and never wore the customary overalls which Engineers wore on board ships.

He spent most of his time in his cabin and in the wardroom.

Some witty sailors joked that Commander (E) probably did not even know where the engine-room was located.

Commander (E) had come all the way from Delhi just to “earn” his all important “Sea ACR” – the vital performance appraisal report for his “criterion” sea appointment.

The moment one year sea-time was over – Commander (E) would be back at his comfortable desk in Delhi – and thanks to his first-rate Sea ACR – he would be wearing one more stripe on his shoulder.

And from then onwards – it would be smooth sailing – and it was just a matter of time before he became an Admiral.

Yes – once this crucial sea-time was over – he would “manage” everything.

Like all sadists – Commander (E) was a blustering braggart – a “gasbag” who put on an outward show of brashness – but the reality was that – deep inside – he was terribly insecure.

Commander (E) was insecure because he was professionally clueless.

In order to cover up his lack of technical knowledge – Commander (E) had made sure he was assigned a good Senior Engineer to do all the dirty work.

Commander (E) knew that all he had to do was to take charge of his of meek Senior Engineer so that everything ran smoothly.

This would ensure that Commander (E) got an excellent ACR which would clear his way for future promotions.

Now suddenly the Senior Engineer wanted a few days leave to go home for an urgent domestic commitment.

And there was this long sailing coming up.

Commander (E) dreaded sailing without the Senior Engineer – lest he be exposed if something went wrong.

In fact – Commander (E) refused to give leave to Senior in harbour too – as Commander (E) was afraid that his technical ignorance would be discovered by the Dockyard Officers.

“30 days leave...? On a frontline warship...? Are you crazy...?” bellowed Commander (E) when he saw Senior’s Leave Application.

“Sir – my sister’s marriage has been fixed. I just got a telegram yesterday.”

“But 30 days leave...?”

“Sir – I have to arrange everything. I am the only brother.”

“Bullshit. A Senior Engineer can’t be absent for a month.”

“Please, Sir. I have to be there for the marriage.”

“You just submit your leave application to me. I’ll see about what to do about it later. You go down to the Engine Room and get the ship ready for sailing. What happened to the defects on the boiler...?”

“Sir – Dockyard is working…”

“You should do it yourself – you bloody shammer.”

“Sir, but …”

“But...? What...? Don’t stand there looking lost – like a clueless clot – with your thumb in your bum – and your brain at neutral. Go and get on with your job...” the Commander (E) shouted at the Senior Engineer.

The hapless Senior Engineer got on to the job – and got the ship ready for sea.

A few days later – after they returned from the Sea Sortie – the Senior Engineer asked Commander (E) about his leave application.

“All you can think about is your leave. Have you prepared the defect list...?” Commander (E) yelled.

“Defect list...? Which defect list...?” Senior asked.

“The bloody refit defect list...”

“Sir – the refit is 6 months away.”

“So...? I want see the defect list first. Only after that will I look at your leave application.”

“Sir – it will take me at least one week to prepare the defect list.”

“So...? You do it.”

“Sir – I have to go on leave right now. My sister’s marriage is next week.”

“What do you mean you “have to” go on leave...? You bloody impertinent bastard. This is the bloody Navy. In the Navy – “Leave is a Privilege” – “Leave is not a Right”... Do you understand...? In any case – there is no chance of any leave for you right now. I have just come to know that there is an important sailing coming up. So just bugger off and get on with your job.”

“Sir – Please – Sir. Try to understand. How can I be missing from my sister’s wedding...?”

“That’s your problem. You should have thought about all that before you joined the Navy. That’s the problem with you “dope-entry” chaps – you buggers are civilians in uniform.”

“Sir, I want to see the Captain.”

“You’ll see my bloody arse. Now – you get out of here – go to the Engine Room and get on with your job...” Commander (E) thundered.

Senior Engineer did not go to the Engine Room.

He went straight to the Wardroom.

He needed to talk to someone.

He saw “Guns” – the Gunnery Officer – sitting in the Wardroom.

It was only 11 o’clock – but Guns already had a glass in his hand.

On Saturdays – the bar opened at 12 Noon – but “Guns” had such a formidable fearsome personality – that no steward would dare to refuse him a drink – whatever the time of the day or night.

Just the previous evening – “Guns” had ordered the ship’s barber to shave off the Gangway Quartermaster’s moustache for being slack on duty.

In fact “Guns” had half the moustache of the terrified Gangway Quartermaster shaved off in public near the gangway. 

Sailors were petrified of “Guns” – and even most officers steered clear of him.

As per his usual style – “Guns” was drinking rum.

A bottle of rum – an ice box – and a jug of water were placed on the table before him.

On seeing the Senior Engineer enter the wardroom – “Guns” said to the Senior Engineer: 

“Come, Senior – have a drink...”  

(As I told you – the Senior Engineer Officer was affectionately called “Senior”)

Senior liked “Guns”.

Though “Guns” was a fearsome tyrant – he had somehow taken a liking to the rather docile Senior Engineer.

The steward was alert.

When “Guns” was around – sailors were on their toes.

He knew Senior’s drink.

A glass of beer was placed before Senior.

“Sir – today – I am thinking of having rum...” Senior stammered.

“That’s good – bloody good...!!! So you are becoming a true-blue sea-dog. Here – take the bottle – and pour some rum into your beer – don’t worry – rum and beer – no fear...!!!” Guns said.

Senior took a big gulp of beer.

Then he topped up the glass with rum.

He swirled the glass to let the beer and rum mix properly – and then he took a huge gulp of the concoction – “down the hatch”.

Guns looked at Senior curiously – and said: 

“Come on, Senior – get it off your chest.”

The Senior Engineer said: 

“Sir – Commander (E) is not giving me leave for my sister’s marriage...”

“I know. Commander (E) was boasting to the XO – your Commander (E) was telling the XO how he was screwing the hell out of you. Both of them are bastards. They are hand-in-glove. So you can forget about your leave...”

“Sir – but I have to go for my sister’s marriage.”

“Then skip.”

“Skip...?”

“Just pack your bags and push off.”

“Sir – you are telling me to break ship – to go AWOL. I will be marked ‘run’ – and then – I will be caught and I will be punished.”

“So what...? You take the punishment like a man. You have to decide your priorities for yourself. You decide what is more important for you – attending your sister’s marriage – or cowering before that bloody Commander (E)...”

“Sir – I am feeling scared.”

“Don’t worry. Have some more rum – it will give you “Dutch-Courage”...” “Guns” said – and he topped up Senior’s glass with neat rum.

Senior took a big gulp of rum. 

He felt better – a bit high – the cobwebs in his head began to clear.

The Senior Engineer kept drinking neat rum – and began feeling better and better – as the increasing amount of alcohol in his veins raised his spirits.  

After an hour or so – it was almost 12 noon. 

The Wardroom Mess Secretary – the Ship’s Communications Officer (SCO) – he arrived in the wardroom to make arrangements for the Saturday afternoon Pre-Lunch Drinks (PLD).

Suddenly – Commander (E) barged into to wardroom.

He was stunned to see his Senior Engineer sitting in the wardroom with a glass of rum in his hand – drinking away to glory.

“What the hell are you doing here...? Just go down to the engine-room right now. That’s a bloody order. And there is no liberty for you till further orders...” Commander (E) shouted at Senior in anger.

“Screw your liberty – I am going on leave...” Senior Engineer slurred drunkenly.

On hearing these defiant words from his normally docile subordinate – for a moment – Commander (E) was dumbstruck.

Then – Commander (E) recovered his wits – and he said to Senior Engineer in a threatening manner: 

“If you don’t go to the engine-room right now, I will have you arrested and locked up.”

“You go and “hop”...” Senior said mockingly to Commander (E). 

The Senior Engineer was in “full form” after drinking a copious amount of neat rum – the alcohol in his veins was making him feel braver and braver.

Seeing the situation going out of control – the SCO quietly left the wardroom.

Things were turning nasty – and the SCO did not want to be a witness to the fracas.

Besides – he had to inform the Captain immediately – because – after all – like all SCOs on ships – he was the Captain’s spy in the wardroom.

By the time the Captain came down to the wardroom – the situation had blown up – and Senior Engineer was seen menacingly moving towards Commander (E).

The Senior Engineer was waving the empty bottle of rum dangerously at Commander (E) – and “Guns” was trying to restrain him.

“Stop it...” the Captain shouted in his commanding voice, “What the hell is going on?”

“Sir – Commander (E) is not giving me leave for my sister’s marriage...” Senior Engineer said, looking at the Captain.

“I know...” the Captain said.

“Sir – that’s not true. I want this insubordinate officer punished...” Commander (E) said to the Captain.

“We will see about that later. First – you tell me why are you not giving your Senior Engineer leave to attend his sister’s marriage...?” the Captain asked Commander (E).

“Sir – there is a sailing programme...” Commander (E) said.

“So...? Is he indispensable...? Suppose he drops dead tomorrow – what will you do...? It will take at least a month to get a relief Senior Engineer. Are you telling me that the ship cannot sail if there is no Senior Engineer...? Just tell me – what the hell are you doing on board this ship as Engineer Officer...?” the Captain said sternly to Commander (E).

There was silence in the wardroom.

The Captain looked at Commander (E) – and said: 

“Now you listen carefully, Commander (E). I am approving one leave application today – either Senior’s – or yours. You decide who is more indispensable – you – or your Senior Engineer. Either – he goes on leave – or – you go on leave.”

A few hours later – Senior Engineer was seen crossing the ship’s gangway – with a bag on his shoulder – on his way home – on a month’s leave – to attend his sister’s marriage.

The “Technical Incompetence” of Commander (E) was thoroughly exposed during the sailing. 

In fact – the Engine Room Artificers (ERAs) created false alarms from time to time – and they made sure that Commander (E) was in a tizzy.

In due course – the and Engine-Room Sailors had really put Commander (E) in a “spin”. 

The Engine-Room Sailors liked Senior Engineer – and wanted to teach Commander (E) a lesson for treating Senior so shabbily.

For the entire sailing – by creating one “defect” after another – the Engine-Room Sailors kept Commander (E) in a state of confusion, anxiety and panic – resulting in the clueless Commander (E) being frequently summoned to the bridge by the Captain – who bullshitted the hell out of the Commander (E) for the frequent “defects”. 

When Senior Engineer returned from leave – the Captain summoned him to his cabin.

“We had a lot of problems during the last sailing...” the Captain said.

“I know, Sir. My ERAs told me. But Sir – you don’t worry. I will get everything shipshape...” Senior said.

“That’s good...” the Captain said.

“May I go, Sir...?” Senior asked permission to leave.

The Captain looked at Senior Engineer for some time. 

Then – the Captain said to the Senior Engineer: 

“There is one more thing. Your Commander (E) has had a very rough time and he needs some rest. I am thinking of sending Commander (E) on long leave. Can you manage on your own...?”

“Of course – I can manage the Engine-Room Department on my own. Please send Commander (E) on long leave. Sir – “nobody is indispensable”...” Senior Engineer said, tongue-in-cheek.

“Yes. Nobody is indispensable...” the Captain laughed.

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story is a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved) 

This Story was written by me 4 years ago in the year 2013 and earlier Posted Online by me Vikram Karve on 03 Aug 2013 8/03/2013 12:47:00 PM in this blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/08/no-one-is-indispensable-navy-yarn.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/06/humor-in-uniform-nobody-is-indispensable.html and   http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/04/humor-in-uniform-indispensable-engineer.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/04/humor-in-uniform-in-navy-leave-is.html and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/06/humor-in-uniform-are-you-indispensable.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/02/humor-in-uniform-nobody-is.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/humor-in-uniform-no-one-is.html etc