Humor in Marriage – “Shopping” with “Better Half”

Humor in Marriage

“WISDOM” FROM A “MUCH MARRIED” HUSBAND

HOW TO GO SHOPPING WITH YOUR WIFE by VIKRAM KARVE  

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this apocryphal story only if you have a sense of humor. This yarn is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. And yes, this story is for mature broad-minded adults only – so if you are a kid, or an overly gender sensitive type, please skip this post.

2. Please note that this story is set in 1982 – 37 years ago – when gender equations and social mores were quite different from today’s milieu.

3. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

“SHOPPING” WITH “BETTER HALF”  

PROLOGUE

When I got married – I had no prior experience of marriage – since it was my first marriage.

Since I had ZERO girlfriends before my marriage – I was totally innocent about relationships with girls.

Till my marriage – I had no prior experience in how to cohabit with a girl.

In fact – I did not even know how to interact with a girl.

I was a total “novice”.

It was the same with my newly wedded wife too – she was just 21 – and – she had lived a rather purist life.

And suddenly – one day – we – my wife and I – two “inexperienced” souls – we got married.

After our wedding in Pune – we went to live in our tiny one room apartment in the Curzon Road Residential Complex – called “Curzon Road Apartments” – located mid-way between Connaught Place and India Gate on Kasturba Gandhi Marg in New Delhi.

This story happened 37 years ago – in 1982 – in the early inchoate days of our marriage.

“SHOPPING” WITH “BETTER HALF”

Fiction Short Story

By

VIKRAM KARVE

“I don’t know how to tell you – but I need something urgently…” my newly-wedded wife said.

“Sure…” I said, “What do you want to buy so urgently…?”

“Innerwear…” she said.

“Innerwear…?” I asked, “But it’s still summer season…”

“Lingerie…” she said.

“Lingerie…?”

“Underclothes – underwear – I mean – undergarments…”

“Oh – you want to buy “Bras and Panties”…” I said – comprehension dawning on me pretty fast.

“Yes…” she said, “the same thing…”

“Why are you feeling so shy…? For men – what we call “Vest and Underwear” – for women – it’s “Bras and Panties”. But – tell me – why do you need “Bras and Panties” so urgently…?

“I seem to have forgotten to bring that packet of the new “Bras and Panties” which I had bought just before our wedding…”

“No Problem…” I said, “I know the best shop for “Bras and Panties”…”

“You know the best shop for “Bras and Panties”…? How do you know all this…?” my wife asked, curious.

“Observation…” I said, “I walk the streets – I drive around a lot – and – I observe…”

Soon – we were outside the “Bras and Panties” shop.

My wife got off the scooter – and she started walking towards the “Bras and Panties” shop.

I parked the scooter – and I followed my wife inside.

“Why have you come in…?” my wife asked me.

“Just to have a look around…” I said.

“I think you should wait outside…” my wife said.

But – a salesgirl interrupted our conversation – and she asked my wife what she wanted.

So – my wife started talking to the salesgirl.

Dear Reader – I have already told you that I like to “observe” – I am “curious” by nature – and – I have a “thirst” for learning new things.

So – I remained in the background – observing the proceedings.

The salesgirl was showing “bras” to my wife.

Soon – there were plenty of “bras” on the glass top of the showcase – and my wife seemed unable to make up her mind on which “bras” to select.

Being a “supportive” husband – I decided to help my wife.

“Why don’t you take a “trial”…?” I said to my wife.

“Trial…?” she said, looking confused.

“You must always “try out” clothes before you buy them…” I said.

“I know my size…” she said.

“More than the size – the “fit” is important – clothes must be comfortable – especially “underclothes” like “Bras and Panties”…” I pontificated.

I saw my wife’s cheeks turn crimson – and she was looking at me angrily.

“Madam…?” the salesgirl said to my wife.

“I will come later…” my wife said to the salesgirl.

Then – my wife said to me: “Let’s go home…”

The salesgirl seemed perturbed about losing a customer – so she said to my wife: “Madam – we have a room where you can take a trial. Please come with me…”

“No…” my wife said.

“Please Madam…” the salesgirl pleaded.

The beseeching tone in the salesgirl’s voice seemed to have soothed my wife’s anger – so – she went along with the salesgirl to the “trial room”.

This gave me an opportunity to enhance my knowledge on “Bras and Panties”.

So – I walked around the store – looking at the display windows and showcases.

The staff at the store was most helpful – and the salesgirls were most happy to answer all my “intelligent” doubts arising from my “thirst” for knowledge.

Dear Reader – I will not go into details of the “Question and Answer” sessions I had with the salesgirls – but – it was a most enlightening and educative conversation for me – there was so much to learn about “Bras and Panties” – so many “aspects” – Types, Cup Sizes, Styles, Shapes, Fits – a most fascinating subject – an entire science in itself.

My wife seemed to have taken my advice seriously – and was taking her time in the “trial room”.

The moment my wife came out – I asked her: “Did you like any Bras...?”

“Yes…” she said.

“And – Panties...?”

“Yes – Yes – Yes…” she said angrily.

“Very Good…” I said – happy that the “Bras and Panties” shopping expedition was a success.

But – instead of being grateful and thanking me – the moment we left the shop – my wife said angrily to me: “I am never going to come shopping with you again…”

My wife tried her best to avoid coming with me for shopping.

But – sometimes – she had no choice – and she had to come with me for shopping.

Firstly – my wife could not drive a scooter.

Later – when we got a car – she could not drive the car too.

She tried a lot – but even today – she can’t drive a scooter or car.

So – she has no choice but to take me along as a “driver” (and “porter”).

Secondly – owing to my keen sense of observation – I knew the best places for shopping for particular items.

Later – after the advent of malls – my wife would tell me to browse books in the bookstore – while she did her shopping in the mall.

Recently – when we visited our favourite mall – we saw that the bookstore had shut down.

So – I tagged along with my wife to the garment store in the mall.

My wife wanted to buy “Kurties” (Tops) – so – as a devoted and loving husband – I was sincerely trying to help her select “Kurties”.

But my “ungrateful” wife did not seem to appreciate my sincere efforts.

“Please don’t hang around here in the Ladies’ Section…” she said to me, “You go to the Gents’ Section upstairs and browse around there. I will call you when I finish shopping and you can come to the billing counter near the entrance…”

So – I went to the Gents’ Section to have a look at the clothes.

Half an hour later my wife called me on my mobile – so I went down to the billing counter.

My wife looked at the bags in my hand. 

She pointed to the bags in my hand and asked me: “What is all this…?”

“I bought some clothes for myself…” I said, “And what about you..? What did you buy…?”

“I bought nothing…” she said.

“What…? You bought nothing…? I thought you wanted to buy “Kurties”, “Trousers”, Dresses”…!” I said.

“I didn’t like anything…” she said.

My wife watched in amazement as the bill was being made for the items I had bought – Three Trousers, Five Shirts, Two Neckties, One Belt, Handkerchiefs, Socks – and even one Tweed Jacket.

“Are you crazy…? Why have you bought all these things – why so many Trousers, Shirts – and a Jacket…? Do you need so many clothes…?” my wife asked me.

“I liked them – so I bought them…” I said.

She gave me a look of exasperation.

It’s funny, isn’t it…?

My wife wanted to go shopping – and she bought nothing.

I went along as her “consort” – and I bought so many things.

In the Navy – after a Gunnery Shoot – we ascertain the “result of the engagement” – how many “hits” – how many “misses” – etc.

In this shopping episode – the “result of engagement” for my wife was ZERO – and for me – I had “hit” many targets – 3 Trousers, 5 Shirts, 2 Neckties, 1 Jacket, 1 Belt, Handkerchiefs, Socks etc. etc. etc.

This happens every time we go shopping.

My wife is the one who wants to shop.

But – I am the one who ends up “shopping”.

AFTERTHOUGHT  

Most husbands don’t like to take their wives for shopping.

I am different.

I love to take my wife out for shopping.

But – my wife doesn’t like to come for shopping with me.

In fact – she dreads going out shopping with me.

I wonder why…? 

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

  

Humor in Uniform – Booze versus Books

Humor in Uniform 

BOOZE versus BOOKS 

(or BOOKS “IN LIEU OF” BOOZE)

If you have served in the Defence Services – I am sure you have heard of the term “ in lieu of ” – which means “in place of” or “instead of”...

In the Navy we have – Money “in lieu of” Ration (MLR) – Compensation “in lieu of” Quarters (CILQ) – Travel Allowance “in lieu of” Transport (TA) etc

But – have you heard of Books “in lieu of” Booze...? 

Or – to put it in better language – Books “in lieu of” Liquor (Acronym: BILL)

Read on...

BOOKS “IN LIEU OF” BOOZE

Unforgettable Memories of my Navy Days

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

This story happened long ago – 39 years ago – an unforgettable “memoir” from the best days of my life – my delightful Navy days – in the 1970’s.

We – a shipmate and me – were loafing around on a Sunday morning – browsing books at the pavement bookstalls around the Central Telegraph Office (CTO) near Hutatma Chowk (Flora Fountain) in Mumbai (Bombay).

I noticed my friend engrossed in a large size book – a regal looking tome – which looked like an encyclopedia.

“Look at this fabulous book,” my friend said, all excited, “it is an encyclopedia of ‘numismatics’ – it is fantastic – everything is here – the complete history of coins and currency – and details and pictures of rare coins…”

“Yes,” I said, “it seems to be a rare book.”

“I have been interested in ‘numismatics’ since my schooldays,” he said, “but I have never seen a book on numismatics like this book. There is a wealth of information in this encyclopedia.”

Now – as you must have guessed – my friend’s passionate hobby was ‘numismatics’ (the study of coins and medals) – he was an avid collector of rare coins and had an impressive collection.

Yes – those days – most naval officers had diverse hobbies – all sorts of activities ranging from outdoor pursuits like hiking, trekking, bird-watching, star-gazing, fishing etc – to the more prosaic indoor hobbies like philately and numismatics.

I saw how much my friend had liked the book – so I said to him: “Why don’t you buy the book...?”

“Yes,” he said, “I must buy this book.”

We asked the bookseller the price of the book.

The bookseller quoted an astronomical figure.

“Are you crazy?” I said to the bookseller, “yours is a pavement bookstall – and this is an old secondhand book – and you are quoting such a high price – which is even more than if this were a brand new book in a reputed bookstore...”

“Sir – this is a very rare book – a limited exclusive edition – see the prestigious foreign publisher – look at the date of publication – Sir – this book is long ‘out of print’ – you will not get this book anywhere...” the bookseller said.

“But the price is too high – you can surely give us some discount...” my friend said.

“Sorry, Sir – I cannot give you a discount on this book. Sir – you take it or leave it – but let me tell you – if you come tomorrow – you may not find this book here. An old gentleman showed interest in this book yesterday – he did not have the money – so he said that he may come today…” the bookseller said, driving a hard bargain.

We bargained and haggled – but the bookseller would not budge – he refused to reduce the price of the book.

Finally – I said to my friend, “If you have liked this book so much – why don’t you buy it...?”

“Look at the price of the book – it is almost half our monthly pay...” my friend said.

“Which whisky do you drink...?” I asked my shipmate.

“Whisky...? Have you gone crazy...?” my friend asked, taken aback, “What the hell has whisky got to do with this book on ‘numismatics’...?”

“Just tell me...” I said.

He told me his favourite brand of whisky.

“Now – you tell me – how many pegs of whisky do you drink every day...?” I asked him.

“3 – 4 – sometimes 5 large pegs…” he said.

“Okay – if you average it out – it works out to approximately 2 bottles of whisky a week…”

“Maybe...”

So let’s say you drink 2 bottles of whisky a week – that’s around 8 bottles a month…” I said.

“Not 8 – maybe 6 or 7 – I don’t drink every day,” he said.

“Okay – let’s say you drink 6 bottles of whisky a month – now you listen to me –don’t drink for 2 months and you will cover the cost of this book…” I said.

“What are you saying...?” he asked, looking confused.

“The price of this book is the same as around 10 bottles of whisky. You drink a minimum of 6 bottles of whisky a month – so that makes it 12 bottles every two months – and you can easily cover the cost of this book. So – you don’t drink for 2 months – or – if you cannot totally stop drinking – then drink one peg less every day till it adds up to 10 bottles – and you will cover the cost of this book…” I said.

“Are you off your rocker...? You are a really crazy guy – comparing booze and books…” my shipmate said.

“You smoke – don’t you...? Tell me – which brand of cigarettes….?” I asked him.

“Enough…!!!” my shipmate interrupted me, looking exasperated.

But – he seemed to have been convinced by my logic.

He pulled out his wallet – and – he bought the book.

NB:-

In case you are one of those “number crunching” types – here are some “facts and figures”:

1. Those days – in the 1970’s – the basic pay of a Navy Lieutenant (Army Captain/Air Force Flight Lieutenant) was Rs. 1100 per month.

2. In the Navy – a “peg” means a large peg (a “double”).

3. When this story happened – we were serving on board a ship – so I am talking of Duty Free Scotch Whisky served in Wardrooms of Warships.

Today – if you are a civilian Book Lover – you can buy many good books in the cost of a bottle of Premium Scotch Whisky.

BOOKS “IN LIEU OF” LIQUOR  (“BILL”)

I spent my entire “working life” in the Navy – and – since I was an honest officer – I do not have much money – nor – do I have many assets.

The only “wealth” I have are my books – which I have collected since my college days – and later – I bought plenty of books when I was in the Navy.

Whenever I wanted to buy a book – I always calculated its cost in terms bottles of booze.

And – in most cases – I bought the book.

Yes – when faced with a “Books versus Booze” dilemma – I always made sure that I bought Books in lieu of Liquor.

I drank a lot of Booze 

I read a lot of Books

All the Booze I drank – it vanished from my system by the very next day.

But – I still have all the Books that I bought “ in lieu of ” all the Booze that I did not drink.

Today – in my home – I have plenty of Books adorning my bookshelves.

But – you will not find even a single bottle of Booze.

As I look at my impressive collection of Books – I think of all the bottles of Rum/Whisky that I did not drink.

It’s true – isn’t it...? 

Even if you do not drink alcohol – you may consider Booze as a metaphor for any luxury, extravagance or “conspicuous consumption” that you indulge in

And – you may consider Books as a metaphor for “things of lasting value”

You spend lavishly on momentary pleasures like food, drink, clothes, movies, entertainment, holidays etc.

You splurge your money on transitory extravagant events like marriages, ceremonies, parties and such fleeting occasions. 

You go on reckless shopping sprees buying things that you not need. 

You generously indulge in “conspicuous consumption”.

But – when it comes to acquiring things of “lasting value” like books – you get stingy and tightfisted... 

Why...? 

EPILOGUE

While writing this story – I realised that during my bachelor days as a Naval Officer – I was an “intellectual drunkard” 

Ha Ha – I drank a lot of Booze – and – I read a lot of Books

In fact – I loved reading while drinking – so – it would be apt to describe me as an “intellectual drunkard”

So – Dear Reader – here is some advice from an “intellectual drunkard”:

The next time you see a good book – remember this story about the Booze versus Books dilemma – and – make sure you:

SKIP THE BOOZE – and – BUY THE BOOK 

Bibliotherapy is always better than Alcohol De-Addiction Therapy

Happy Reading 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

This is an updated, abridged and revised version of my blog post BOOZE AND BOOKS written by me Vikram Karve on 13 Feb 2015 and posted online earlier in my blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/02/booze-and-books.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/09/humor-in-uniform-skip-booze-buy-book.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/06/humor-in-uniform-books-in-lieu-of-booze.html