Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: bullshit

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Saturday, March 8, 2014

OFFICERSHIP AT SEA - Humor in Uniform

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

Here is a hilarious story from my “Humor in Uniform” Archives – a bit of tongue-in-cheek humour:

OFFICERSHIP AT SEA

An Apocryphal Story

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this apocryphal story only if you have a sense of humor. This yarn is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

PROLOGUE

There is a saying: “No one is indispensable”.

However, in the 1980’s, with the induction of modern weapons and equipment, I observed that, on many ships, there were a number of sailors, especially in the Technical Branches, mainly artificers, who were considered “indispensable”.

Whether these individuals were genuinely indispensable or not, I do not know, and I suspect not, but the fact of the matter was that the Captain or Head of Department (HOD) wanted that particular sailor on board during his one year tenure – so that his tenure passed without a hiccup, especially on that crucial weapon system handled by the sailor – and the Captain/HOD often got the transfers of these “indispensable” sailors cancelled, and I remember a case of “poaching” too, which resulted in an ugly exchange of correspondence, including signals, between the two rival ships involved.

Another offshoot was that these “indispensable” sailors acquired immense “expert power” which sometimes overwhelmed “position power”.

Here is the hilarious story of one such “indispensable” sailor.

OFFICERSHIP AT SEA

On our ship we had a Chief Petty Officer – let’s call him “P”.

P was a part of the commissioning crew and had remained on the ship continuously without break for more than seven years.

Every time P’s transfer came, the Captain would get P’s transfer cancelled.

Every Captain wanted P to remain on board during his tenure since P was indispensable.

P was indispensable since he was a specialist on a key weapon system.

With increasing years of experience, P gained more and more expertise and soon he was the unsurpassed expert on the system.

Every Captain knew that with P on board, it would be smooth sailing as far as that crucial weapon system was concerned.

So every new Captain ensured that, during his command tenure, P was kept on board the ship.

It was a Catch-22 situation.

The more P served at sea on board the ship, the more P yearned to go for an appointment ashore.

But conversely, the more P served on board the ship, the more specialist expertise he acquired, and the more he became “indispensable”, and his chances of going ashore became lesser and lesser.

P was fed up – seven continuous years at sea were taking its toll on his health and also on his family life.

P was delighted when he got his transfer order to a training establishment ashore as an instructor.

But unfortunately, the incoming new Captain got P’s transfer cancelled.

“Don’t worry. You just remain on the ship for my tenure. The moment my transfer comes, I will see to it that you are transferred to some good place ashore,” the new Captain assured P.

When I tried to commiserate with him, P said cynically: “Forget it, Sir. Every Captain says the same thing. Captains come and go, all of you come and go, but I am destined to remain stuck in this hellhole forever.”

A few days later a new XO (second-in-command) arrived – a hot-shot “spit and polish” Commander who had spent most of his time on training ships and establishments.

He boasted that he was going to “kick us into shape”.

On the very first day of sailing I was summoned to his cabin.

The XO was seated in his chair.

P was standing in front of him, not at attention, but in his usual casual manner, the cavalier bearing of a sailor who has been at sea for a long time.

The Master-at-arms was standing behind P.

The XO shouted at me: “I was taking rounds and your Chief was moving around in a slovenly manner almost nude, dressed in a bloody filthy skimpy lungi – and even his bloody lungi was at half-mast...”

“Sir, I was going for my bath …” P interrupted.

“Shut up!” the XO shouted furiously at P.

Then the XO turned to me and said: “The bugger did not even bother to salute me…”

Again P interrupted, “Sir, below decks…”

The XO stood up and looked menacingly at P and shouted, “Don’t try and act smart with me...I have sorted out many funny chaps like you...”

“Sir, why are you threatening at me? I told you ...” P pleaded.

On hearing this, the XO glowered at P and angrily roared:

“If you misbehave with me, I will throw you out of this ship!”

P (a Chief Petty Officer) looked at the XO (a Commander) squarely in the eye and said:

“Sir, if you get me transferred out of this ship, I will give you a party in a 5-star hotel.”

I almost burst out laughing, but I controlled myself.

In order to avoid the situation deteriorating further and leading to an aggravated offence, I quickly removed P from the XO’s cabin.

Such juicy “galley news” spreads fast, and in a few hours, the whole ship knew about the incident.

From then on, the XO would scrupulously avoid P.

Because every time their paths crossed, tongue-in-cheek, P would ask the XO:

“Sir, when are you throwing me out of this ship?”

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

This is an abridged and updated version of my story First Posted on 29 July 2013 by Vikram Karve at 7/29/2013 12:52:00 PM in this blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/07/fear-is-greatest-motivator.html

Saturday, October 5, 2013

A LESSON IN OFFICERSHIP - HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

Humor in Uniform

A LESSON IN OFFICERSHIP

IS FEAR THE GREATEST MOTIVATOR

A Naval Yarn - a Lesson in Officership and Human Resource (HR) Management

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this story only if you have a sense of humour. This is a spoof, a yarn, just for a laugh, no offence meant to anyone, so please take it with a pinch of salt.

2. This story is a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

FEAR IS THE GREATEST MOTIVATOR - A NAVAL YARN

There are a number of Motivation Theories which are taught in Human Resource (HR) Management courses in B-Schools.

When I began working, like all idealists, I too tried out various “benevolent” motivation techniques derived from these theories.

But soon, reality dawned, and I realized that “theories” work only on paper.

In practice, I learnt that FEAR is the greatest motivator.

You have many “fears” – tangible and intangible.

An effective Boss or HR Manager works on your fears in order to “motivate” you.

If you work in the industry, you may have the prime fear of being sacked, of losing your job, and there are many other fears too.

Close your eyes and think about your various fears.

If you work in the government, there are various “punitive” fears which can be exploited in order to “motivate” you and make you toe the line.

Every organization, lays down certain “punishments” to create fear in you and motivate you to obey the rules and do your job properly.

There are some “unofficial” motivators too, which “motivate” you to fall in line.

One of the most widely used motivators is the “fear of transfer”.

I have seen this motivational technique being used in many cases.

But when you use “fear” as a motivator, you must remember one thing – don’t stretch things too far.

Fear will work only till the “victim” has something to lose.

Beyond a point – the “fear factor” is like elastic – you stretch it too far and it snaps.

Let me give you an example.

A LESSON IN OFFICERSHIP

THE STORY OF THE CHIEF PETTY OFFICER (CPO) AND THE EXECUTIVE OFFICER (XO)

On our ship we had a Chief Petty Officer – let’s call him “P”.

P was a part of the commissioning crew and had remained on the ship continuously without break for more than seven years.

Every time his transfer came, the Captain would get P’s transfer cancelled.

Every Captain wanted P to remain on board during his tenure since P was indispensable.

P was indispensable since he was a specialist on a key weapon system.

With increasing years of experience, P gained more and more expertise and soon he was the unsurpassed expert on the system.

Every Captain knew that with P on board, it would be smooth sailing.

So every new Captain ensured that, during his command tenure, P was kept on board the ship.

It was a Catch-22 situation.

The more P served at sea on board the ship, the more P yearned to go for an appointment ashore.

But conversely, the more P served on board ship, the more specialist expertise he acquired, and the more he became indispensable, and his chances of going ashore became lesser and lesser.

P was fed up – seven continuous years at sea were taking its toll on his health and also on his family life.

P was delighted when he got his transfer order to a training establishment ashore as an instructor.

But unfortunately, the incoming new Captain got P’s transfer cancelled.

“Don’t worry. You just remain on the ship for my tenure. The moment my transfer comes, I will see to it that you are transferred to some good place ashore,” the new Captain assured P.

A few days later a new XO (second-in-command) arrived – a “spit and polish” Commander who had spent most of his time on training ships.

He boasted that he was going to “kick us into shape”.

On the very first day of sailing I was summoned to his cabin.

The XO was seated in his chair.

P was standing in front of him, not at attention, but in his usual casual manner, the cavalier bearing of a sailor who has been at sea for a long time.

The Master-at-arms was standing behind P.

The XO shouted at me: “I was taking rounds and your Chief was moving around in a slovenly manner almost nude, dressed in a bloody filthy skimpy lungi at half mast...”

“Sir, I was going for my bath …” P interrupted.

“Shut up!” the XO shouted furiously at P.

Then the XO turned to me and said: “The bugger did not even bother to salute me…”

Again P interrupted, “Sir, below decks…”

The XO stood up and looked menacingly at P and shouted, “Don’t try and act smart with me...I have sorted out many funny chaps like you...”

“Sir, why are you threatening at me? I told you ...” P pleaded.

On hearing this, the XO glowered at P and angrily roared:

“If you misbehave with me, I will throw you out of this ship!”

P (a Chief Petty Officer) looked at the XO (a Commander) squarely in the eye and said:

“Sir, if you get me transferred out of this ship, I will give you a party in a 5-star hotel.”

I almost burst out laughing, but controlled myself and to avoid the situation deteriorating further and leading to an aggravated offence, I quickly removed P from the XO’s cabin.

Such juicy “galley news” spreads fast, and in a few hours, the whole ship knew about the incident.

From then on, the XO would avoid P, because every time their paths crossed, P would ask the XO: “Sir, when are you throwing me out of this ship?”

This incident taught me a lesson that I never forgot while in the Navy, and indeed till today:

It is best to avoid using fear as a “motivator”, but when you use fear as a motivator, you must remember one thing – don’t stretch things too far. Because, fear will work only till the “victim” has something to lose.

The Navy teaches you more Human Resource Management than any MBA or HR Management Course can teach you.

VIKRAM KARVE

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Did you like this story?

I am sure you will like the 27 short stories from my recently published anthology of Short Fiction COCKTAIL
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If you prefer reading ebooks on Kindle or your ebook reader, please order Cocktail E-book by clicking the links below:
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
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Foodie Book: Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie I am sure that you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
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About Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.

Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramkarve@hotmail.com

Twitter: @vikramkarve

Monday, April 29, 2013

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM - THE OLD NAVY AULD LANG SYNE COMPLEX STATUS QUO ANTE and PROSOPHOBIA

HUMOR IN UNIFORM

THE OLD NAVY AULD LANG SYNE COMPLEX STATUS QUO ANTE and PROSOPHOBIA

A Naval Yarn

VIKRAM KARVE

Prosophobia is the fear of progress.

I have seen plenty of this during my days in the navy.

Let me tell you a story.

This happened was sometime in the early 1980’s.

A young officer put up a proposal to give residential phones to all naval officers.

Those days residential phones were given only to senior officers of the rank of Commander and above (in fact, even some Commanders did not have residential phones).

On the other hand all civilian officers of the rank of Under Secretary and above had residential phones.

This young Communications Officer had done his homework thoroughly and showed that within the existing budget it was feasible to give residential phones to all Lieutenants and above.

“No,” bellowed the Senior Officer, “there is no need to give phones to Lieutenants. In my days, I did not have a phone even when I was a Commander.”

“Maybe when he was a Lieutenant phones did not exist,” I said tongue-in-cheek.

“The bloody old fogie was probably born before Alexander Graham Bell when the telephone was not even invented,” someone quipped.

This a typical example of prosophobia due to what I call the “Auld Lang Syne Complex”.

I was aghast to see that even 30 years later things had not changed and there was still a reluctance to give land-line telephone connections to junior officers because of prosophobia.

The mindset had not changed and the services were still living in the “glorious” past.

Of course, with the advent of cell phone technology every officer now had his own personal mobile phone and did not hanker too much after a landline official phone).

Yes, the primary reason for Prosophobia is the Auld Lang Syne complex:

1. In our good old days we did not have it so why do you want it

(we did not have a telephone at home it so why do you want a phone at home?)

2. We did it this way so you also bloody well do it the same way

(we managed without a telephone so you too bloody well manage without a phone)

These retrograde guys have a feudal mindset want to live in “past glory” – they are not even satisfied with maintaining status quo – they want status quo ante and want to regress into the past.

Yes, “precedence” and “status quo” are sure signs of prosophobia.

The world may have progressed but there is great resistance to change, and there is reluctance to progress and move on, owing to the fixation of “living in the glorious days of the past”.

This results in an irrational obsession with archaic customs and traditions which have outlived their utility and are not in sync with the modern world.

Another reason for Prosophobia is Technophobia (fear of technology) especially among senior officers who are loath to continual learning and are averse to embracing new technology.

They are not keen on updating themselves and unwilling to learn.

They are afraid of getting out their comfort zones.

Believe it or not, but as late as 2006 I came across a senior army officer who was computer-illiterate.

This “Relic of the Raj” believed that it was below his dignity to “type” and he thought Personal Computers (PCs) were glorified typewriters.

As an officer his job was to “dictate” and it was the job of the lowly stenographers and clerks to type out his dictations.

Another Pongo – a typical Colonel Blimp type old-fashioned “officer of the old-mould” prosophobic officer wanted his secretary to take printouts of all emails and put them up in the “dak folder” every evening for his “perusal”.

He would then dictate replies to these emails to his secretary or write them out in longhand.

The secretary would then “type” out these replies, take printouts on paper, put up these drafts for approval.

Then the secretary would meticulously “type” the emails and send them and then take a hard-copy printout of sent mails for his perusal and to file for record..

All “papers” were carefully filed and preserved.

Instead of using Information Technology to achieve a paperless office, the paperwork had actually increased.

In many places, especially in accounts offices, I have seen that there is great emphasis of paper-work and a marked reluctance to embrace Information Technology (IT) and make administration paperless, transparent and speedy.

A manifestation of prosophobia is the presence of an anti-intellectual culture in the organisation.

If you observe an undue obsession with maintaining “status quo” and a celebration of “anti-intellectualism” you can be sure of the existence of prosophobia in that organisation, especially at the top level.

Feudal culture, red tape, rank consciousness, steep hierarchical pyramid and inordinate emphasis on seniority and obsession with preserving the hierarchy are indicators of prosophobia.

Hopefully things are changing for the better, but you still see signs of prosophobia (and technophobia) all around.

Recently I visited a Military Hospital and they were still using paper chits and people were lugging around voluminous paper medical reports despite the easy availability of hospital management software which could make hospitals paperless.

Do look around you – do you see prosophobia?

Before I end, on a lighter note, let me tell you about one more interesting phobia.

This phobia is called Venustraphobia.

Do you know what Venustraphobia means?

Believe it or not – Venustraphobia is the fear of beautiful women.

I wonder who is afraid of beautiful women – men or women or both?

VIKRAM KARVE

Did you like this article?

COCKTAIL ebook

If you prefer reading ebooks on Kindle or your ebook reader, please order Cocktail E-book by clicking the links below:
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87925

Foodie Book: Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
http://www.flipkart.com/appetite-stroll-vikram-karve/8190690094-gw23f9mr2o

About Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.

Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramwamankarve@gmail.com

Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve

Saturday, March 8, 2014

OFFICERSHIP AT SEA - Humor in Uniform

Saturday, October 5, 2013

A LESSON IN OFFICERSHIP - HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

Monday, April 29, 2013

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM - THE OLD NAVY AULD LANG SYNE COMPLEX STATUS QUO ANTE and PROSOPHOBIA

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