Friday, January 20, 2017

Humor in Uniform – The Military “Brain” Part 2 – Thought Control

Continued from  Part 1: THE MILITARY “BRAIN”  


Unforgettable Characters I Met in the Navy
A Fictional Spoof

(apocryphal story by Vikram Karve)

After slogging for 5 years in the Navy  afloat and ashore  I was “selected” to undergo the prestigious 2 year M. Tech. course at IIT Delhi.

On completion of my post graduation (M.Tech.)  I was posted to the military “babudom” in Delhi – what we in the Navy jokingly referred to as the landlocked “Northern Naval Command”.

Though ostensibly it was an R&D billet (in consonance with my recently acquired M.Tech. qualification)  in actual fact  I was a pen-pusher  a Babu in uniform.

One afternoon, while I was elbow-bending in the bar of our Navy Wardroom  guzzling beer  I met an ex-shipmate of mine  who was a few years senior to me.

We sat down to drink and we began to talk about the good old days on the ship.

He told me that he was recently posted in the Directorate of Naval Training (DNT) in Naval Headquarters (NHQ) New Delhi and he was looking after Naval Training Schemes.

I told him about my M. Tech. at IIT Delhi  and  now I was posted to R&D HQ.

“Hey, you are an intellectual type – why don’t you do a management course...? We will fund your course – at least your tuition fees...” he said.

I was clueless.

He told me about the new “Learn while you Earn” scheme to motivate young Naval Officers to learn new things and acquire qualifications in their spare time  in the evenings – and on holidays  in off-working hours.

“Come tomorrow to my office,” he said, “I’ll give you the application form and explain the details. Basically  all you have to do is to take admission to a part-time Evening Course – and we will reimburse your tuition fees once you qualify. Also  all efforts will be made to keep you in station till you complete the course.”

“That’s great,” I said, “I want to do a course in Management.”

“Good. Come to my office tomorrow and I will tell you about all the good Management Courses in Delhi...” he said.

Next morning  while I sat his office  he gave me an application form  and he said to me: “I spoke to your appointer in DOP – he said that they were going to keep you here in Delhi for 3 years  so I suggest you apply for a proper Evening Management Course – I have tick-marked the course in the form – now all you have to do is to get the signature of your boss and give me the form – and I will give you approval in principle which will give you permission to the give the Entrance Test. Once you qualify the Entrance Test and clear the Interview  and you are selected for admission to the course  we will give you the proper sanction letter.”

I duly filled up the form  and placed it before my boss for his signature.

My boss, a Commodore, was not impressed.

He said disinterestedly: “What Management Course...? There is no need for you to do a Management Course. You better concentrate on your work here.”

“Sir  the classes are in the evening  after working hours...” I said.

“I know all that. These civilian courses are of no use. You are a permanent commission officer and you know that you can’t leave the Navy. So  you better focus on your career. Let me tell you frankly – in the Navy  qualifications do not matter – how you perform in your job is all that matters. I am not recommending your application. There is no need to do the Management Course”. Just go to your office  and get on with your job...” my boss said firmly, handing me back my application form.

“Sir  what’s the harm in learning new things...? After all  even the Navy wants us to learn – that is why the Navy must have started this “Learn while you Earn Scheme. Please Sir  I want to do this Management Course...” I persisted.

“Stop giving me bullshit...” my boss shouted, “I know what’s good for you. I don’t want my officers wasting their time and efforts doing management courses. There is plenty of work here. So  you just forget about this management course – and – you focus on your job.”

I felt terribly disappointed. 

I had never expected my boss to have such a negative anti-intellectual attitude. 

In fact  I had thought that he would encourage me to do the management course.

I walked across to my ex-shipmate’s office in Directorate of Naval Training (DNT) and I told him the story.

“Leave your application form here...” he said, “I will speak to my Director and try to do something.”

In the afternoon  I got a call on the intercom.

It was the Admiral’s Staff Officer: “Come fast. The Admiral wants to see you.”

“The Admiral wants to see me...?” I asked, surprised.

The moment I reached the Admiral’s Office, the Staff Officer said: “Go right in. He is waiting for you. And  by the way  your boss has just gone inside and he seems to be furious.”

Before I could react, the Staff Officer ushered me into the Admiral’s Office.

The Admiral was reading a file.

My boss was sitting opposite him.

On seeing me  my boss gave me a threatening look.

“Good Morning, Sir...” I said, looking at the Admiral.

The Admiral looked up.

I saluted the Admiral.

The Admiral did not ask me to sit down  he got straight to the point: “What is all this crap about this bloody Management Course...?”

Before I could answer my boss, the Commodore, interrupted – and – the Commodore said to the Admiral: “Don’t you worry, Sir – I will see to it that this Officer is severely punished.”

“Punished...? For what...?” the Admiral asked the Commodore, looking a bit bemused.

“Sir, he has bypassed the chain of command – instead of following the proper channel  he has gone over my head directly to you...” my boss said to the Admiral.

“He hasn’t come directly to me. The Director of Naval Training spoke to me and sent over this form...” the Admiral said, tossing my application form on the table towards my boss.

My boss picked up the form  but he did not say anything.

Looking at the Commodore, the Admiral said to the Commodore: “What’s wrong with you...? Why don’t you want to recommend the young bugger for the Management Course...? It will be better he spends his evenings sitting in a classroom learning something  instead of boozing away in the bloody bar  which he seems to be doing every evening...”

“Sir, I don’t want my officers wasting their time doing these management courses...” my boss said.

“Waste of time...? I thought all that management stuff that the bugger learns may help him do his job better. That’s what the DNT thinks anyway...” the Admiral said.

“Sir, his work will be affected. He will refuse to work late  he will refuse to go on temporary duty…” my boss said.

“Will you...?” the Admiral looked up and addressed me.

“No, Sir. I will do all my duties sincerely. I have to do all my duties, Sir – it is an evening course, subject to exigencies of service…” I said.

“That’s right...” the Admiral said.

Then – the Admiral looked at my boss and asked him: “Any problem...?”

“Sir, he will keep studying in working hours...” my boss said.

“Will you...?” the Admiral asked me.

“No, Sir. I will not bring any books to the office. I will study in my spare time at home...” I said.

“Sir, he will keep going to the library…” my boss interrupted.

“Please, Sir – I will not go to the library in working hours – even if I want to draw a book  I will do so in lunchtime…” I pleaded.

“Sir  I don’t want him to do the Management Course. His work will be affected...” my boss persisted.

“But how...? How the hell will his work be affected if he does a Management Course in the evening...?” the Admiral asked, a bit incredulous.

“Sir  he will be always thinking “Management Thoughts...” my boss said.

“What...? Management Thoughts...?” the Admiral said, looking quite bewildered.

“Yes Sir  he will be always thinking management thoughts” – his brain will be full of management thoughts...” my boss repeated.

The Admiral looked at my boss with curiosity – and the Admiral asked him: “What the hell do you mean by that...?”

“Sir  his brain will be full of thoughts about what he is learning in the Management Course  and he will always be thinking these ‘Management Thoughts even during working hours...” my boss said.

“May I say something, Sir...?” I asked the Admiral.

“Go ahead...” the Admiral said to me.

“Admiral Sir  how can he control my brain...? Can he prevent me from thinking “Erotic Thoughts in working hours...?” I said, pointing to my boss.

“That’s enough...” the Admiral said, trying to suppress a smile.

My boss was looking at me angrily.

The Admiral looked at my boss.

My boss  the Commodore  remained silent.

So  the Admiral said to the Commodore:

“Tell me  in the office  isn’t it better that the young bugger thinks “cerebral Management Thoughts – or – do you want him to think horny Erotic Thoughts...?

My boss promptly signed the application form and he gave it to me.

My anti-intellectual boss did try his best to sabotage my Management Studies by creating hurdles and making life difficult for me  but  I succeeded in completing the Management Course with flying colours.

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

1. This is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Abridged and Updated Extract of my article THE CRAZY COMMODORE WITH A PHOBIA FOR “MANAGEMENT THOUGHTS” written by me Vikram Karve on 19 November 2013 and posted online in my various blogs including in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal and

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