Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Humor in and out of Uniform : HOW I GOT MARRIED

A Spoof

Dramatis Personae
(In order of seniority)

Brigadier ‘J’
Colonel ‘G’
Lieutenant ‘K’ (Me)


A Cold Sunday Morning in March 1982 – Time: 0500 (5 AM)
SP Marg Officers Mess New Delhi

The shrill ring of the phone shook up Colonel ‘G’ from his drunken stupor.

As he same to his senses – Colonel ‘G’ had hazy recollections of the previous night – and the last thing he remembered was that he was sitting with Lieutenant ‘K’ (me) at the Dhaula Kuan roadside Dhaba eating hot “Bun-Omlette” – along with generous swigs of Rum – from the hip-flask Lieutenant ‘K’ always carried with him.

Colonel ‘G’ had no clue how he had reached his cabin in the SP Marg Officers Mess – maybe Lieutenant ‘K’ had helped him.

The phone kept ringing.

Colonel ‘G’ cursed at being woken up at this unearthly hour at the crack of dawn on a cold Sunday morning – and he picked up the phone.

The moment Colonel ‘G’ heard the voice on the other side – he perked up.

It was Brigadier ‘J’ – his ex-boss.

Colonel ‘G’ had high regards for Brigadier ‘J’ – in fact – Colonel ‘G’ considered Brigadier ‘J’ the best boss ever.

“Good Morning, Sir – it is such a pleasure to hear your voice…” Colonel ‘G’ said to Brigadier ‘J’.

Brigadier ‘J’ was a man of few words – and he got to the point immediately.

“Do you know a Naval Officer called Lieutenant ‘K’…? He stays in your mess…” Brigadier ‘J’ asked Colonel ‘G’.

“Of course, Sir – in fact – I was with Lieutenant ‘K’ last evening – he is a wonderful chap…” Colonel ‘G’ said.

“Oh – you know him well – and you say that Lieutenant ‘K’ is a ‘wonderful chap’ – that’s good – I would like to meet Lieutenant ‘K’ – you do one thing – bring him to Delhi Airport in the morning…” Brigadier ‘J’ said to Colonel ‘G’.

“Airport…?” stammered Colonel ‘G’ – a bit confused.

“I will come by the Srinagar Delhi flight – it reaches Delhi at 11:30 – you make sure that you are there with Lieutenant ‘K’…” Brigadier ‘J’ said to Colonel ‘G’.

“Sir – why do you want to meet Lieutenant ‘K’…?” Colonel ‘G’ asked Brigadier ‘J’.

“To fix up his marriage with my daughter…” Brigadier ‘J’ said – and he disconnected the phone.

Colonel ‘G’ was stunned.

For a few moments – he sat on his bed in a daze.

Then – Colonel ‘G’ gathered his wits – and – he walked down the corridor to my cabin.

I was irritated at being disturbed so early on a Sunday morning – especially after having enjoyed a late night – and – the moment I saw Colonel ‘G’ standing in the door – I asked him: “Sir – why are you waking me up so early…?”

“Bloody disaster…” Colonel ‘G’ exclaimed to me.

“Disaster…? What happened, Sir…?” I asked Colonel ‘G’.

“I told Brigadier ‘J’ that you were a ‘wonderful chap’…” Colonel ‘G’ said to me.

“Sir – I cannot fathom what you are saying…” I said to Colonel ‘G’.

“My ex-CO Brigadier ‘J’ just rang up – and – I told him that you were a ‘wonderful chap’…” Colonel ‘G’ said.

“So – am I not a ‘wonderful chap’…?” I asked him.

Colonel ‘G’ looked at me and said: “For me – you are a certainly a ‘wonderful chap’ – you are a bloody ‘sharaabi’ and ‘kabaabi’ like me – but – for Brigadier J’s daughter – she is such a decent girl – her life will be ruined if she marries a terrible fellow like you…”

“Sir, What are you saying…? Marriage…? Are you still drunk…? You ‘passed out’ last night – and I had a tough time carrying you to your cabin…” I said to Colonel ‘G’.

“I am perfectly sober now. But when the phone rang – I was in a ‘half-awake’ state – and – I am regretting my blunder of blurting out to Brigadier ‘J’ that you are a ‘good guy’ – I thought he was asking generally – I did not know that he was considering you as a ‘marriage prospect’ for his virtuous daughter. You never told me about it…” Colonel ‘G’ said to me.

“Sir – I just came back from Pune by Jhelum Express last evening – and then – we straightaway went to DSOI and got drunk – but I did mention that I saw a girl – but she did not like me…” I said.

“Are you sure she did not like you…?” Colonel ‘G’ asked me.

“Well – it seemed that the girl was not interested in getting married – so she was quite impassive – but – her mother – she certainly did not like me as a prospective ‘son-in-law’…” I said.

“Ah – so Mrs ‘J’ did not like you – that’s good…” Colonel ‘G’ said, “But then – why does Brigadier ‘J’ want to meet you…?”

Brigadier ‘J’ wants to meet me…? He is the girl’s father, is he…? He wasn’t there when I saw the girl – only the girl and her mother had come. They told me he was posted to Srinagar…” I said.

Brigadier ‘J’ is flying down from Srinagar by the morning flight – he wants to meet you – and he has asked me to bring you along to the airport to meet him – so get ready – we will leave at 10 after breakfast…” Colonel ‘G’ said to me.

“But why at the airport…?” I asked.

“Please don’t ask too many questions – Brigadier ‘J’ just told me to get you to the airport at 11:30 and he disconnected the phone…” Colonel ‘G’ said.

“Okay – let’s meet Brigadier ‘J’ – my prospective ‘father-in-law’…” I laughed.

Colonel ‘G’ had a worried expression on his face and he said to me: “I only hope that this doesn’t work out – the poor girl’s life will be ruined if she gets married to you…”

“Ha Ha…” I smiled at Colonel ‘G’ – and I said to him, “Sir – I thought you were my ‘well-wisher’…”

To be continued…

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
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1. This story is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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