“SMALL TALK” and “STATUS GAMES”
Art of Frivolous Conversation
By
VIKRAM KARVE
“SMALL TALK” and SOCIAL CONVERSATION
When I was in the
Navy – I had to attend many official parties and social functions.
On most occasions –
I knew many persons – and we enjoyed talking freely about topics of common
interest.
However – there were
some occasions – especially when I was “detailed” as a “rep” to attend formal
inter-service parties or social functions in the civilian world where I hardly
knew anybody.
What do you do when
you land up in a place where you are a stranger – and nobody is keen to talk to
you?
1. You can get bored all by yourself –
and wait for the “torture” to end.
2. You can try to strike up a polite conversation about some mundane topic like the weather with someone who is
not interested in talking to you.
3. You can have fun talking to
people and enjoy yourself (and maybe the person you are
conversing with will enjoy the tête-à -tête too).
Before I tell you
how – let’s get back to the basics.
WHY DO WE TALK TO EACH
OTHER
Why
do people talk to each other?
Why
do we converse with other people?
Conversation
is a medium of verbal communication.
The
“professed aim” of conversation is to exchange
information.
However
conversation may have ulterior motives too – besides exchanging information.
Sometimes
you may speak to “get it off your chest” – or to express emotions like happiness or anger or frustration.
Another
reason for you to converse with someone is to establish the “pecking order” –
or to put it precisely – you want to establish your place in the pecking order
(determining your status).
Or
maybe you talk to someone because you want to alter your status – to raise or
to lower your “status” relative to the other person (altering your status).
REASONS FOR VERBAL
COMMUNICATION
Thus
– to put it in a nutshell – there are 3 reasons
for verbal communication:
1. Exchanging
Information
2. Expressing Emotions
3. Determining and
Altering Status
DETERMINING AND
ALTERING STATUS BY CONVERSATION
Since
we are talking about “STATUS GAMES”, let us discuss the third reason for conversation
– Determining and Altering Status.
Consciously
– or sub-consciously – people are competing with each other for status when
they speak to each other.
Different
individuals have different attitudes towards status.
Some
are blatant about flaunting their status while others do so in a more subtle
manner.
Some
like to establish their superior status – while others prefer to tone down
their own status relative to the other person.
DETERMINING STATUS
Let
me give you some examples of Determining Status:
If
a stranger asks you where you live – he may not be doing so only for information
purposes.
He
may be doing it for ascertaining or establishing relative status.
See
this example of determining status by seemingly innocuous queries.
Here
is a simple conversation – at an alumni meet – a man asked me:
“Where do you live?”
“I live in Wakad”
(middle-class suburb of Pune)
“Oh – I live on Boat
Club Road.” (High-brow posh locality of Pune)
(In
Mumbai – I lived in near Churchgate – which “enhanced” my “status”)
A
snooty wife of a navy colleague once asked me at a party in the presence of
others:
“In which school do
your children study?” she asked me.
“Kendriya Vidyalaya,”
I answered.
“Oh. My children study
in XXX School,” she said with an upturned nose – taking the name of a most
elite school which was known more for its snob appeal than academic
achievements.
In
the first example – the person did not know where I lived – and he was trying
to “gauge my status” in comparison with his own.
In
the second example – the snobbish lady knew where my children studied and she was
trying to show-off her “higher” status
as compared me to other naval officers and families.
In
the civilian world - status is determined by material things like your wealth,
the car you own, the locality where you stay, the school your children attend,
or who you know.
Where
you work also determines your status.
Working
for a prestigious organization adds to your status.
Your
intellectual accomplishments – the educational institution where you studied –
an “Ivy League” College, IIT or IIM – this aspect also contributes to your
status.
In
the Military World (Defence Services) – things like your material wealth and
intellectual accomplishments do not matter.
In
the Army Navy and Air Force your status is determined by your Rank.
Yes
– Rank is the only factor which determines your place in the pecking order in
the military.
That
is why your military rank is prefixed to your name – even after you retire.
The
Armed Forces are highly status-conscious organizations.
Rank
(or the rank of your spouse) governs social graces in the services.
That
is why most senior officers (and their wives) will immediately state their rank
– so that they can assume a higher status.
However
– on occasions – I have observed some senior officers not mentioning their
ranks while talking “incognito”.
They
make efforts to deliberately lower their status – so that the persons who they
are talking to warm up to them and open up – and they do not get intimated by
the high rank of the officer.
STATUS GAMES
Once
– at a ladies club function – an army officer’s wife was desperately trying to
find out from my newly-married wife whether I was senior to her husband – or was
her husband senior to me – so that she could appropriately establish herself in
the pecking order.
My
wife was quite clueless about my precise seniority.
During
the conversation my wife mentioned the name of our neighbor – a senior army
officer – who she said was my close friend.
The
lady assumed that I was senior to her husband – and she showed due deference to
my wife.
Later
it transpired that her husband was much senior to me and the army wife was
quite miffed at having been fooled by an unintentional status game.
You
can have fun when talking to a stranger by intentionally initiating and playing
status games.
I
once met a social-bee in Mumbai who asked me what I did for a living.
“I
am in the Navy,” I told her.
She
immediately started dropping names – and mentioned the name of a very Senior
Naval Officer who she claimed was her close acquaintance.
(“Name-Dropping”
is a sure indicator of “Status Games”. The lady was obviously trying to raise
her status relative to me – so I decided to play a game and alter status).
I
casually said that the officer who she had named was my subordinate.
First
– she looked at me in disbelief – then she looked at me with a hint of awe.
I
decided to go in for the kill – and I asked her in detail about herself – and I
brought her down to mother earth.
In
the Armed Forces there are two types of Officers – ex-NDA officers who are
trained at the National Defence Academy and Direct Entry Officers who are
trained at the other Military Academies.
Ex-NDA
Officers are terrible “seniority conscious” – whereas Direct Entry officers are
more egalitarian.
You
can recognize an ex-NDA officer easily – the first time he meets you, he will
try to determine your “seniority” by playing status games – he will be
desperate to find out whether you are senior to him or junior to him – and will
ask you all sorts of questions – “which course are you from” – “what is your
NDA equivalent course” – “who are you ex-NDA batchmates” etc.
You
can enjoy playing “status games” with these rank conscious ex-NDA types by
masquerading as being more senior than you actually are.
Recently,
I realized that even the civil services play “status games”.
The
other day I met an old school classmate of mine after almost 40 years.
I
could not even recall him properly – since he had been quite an undistinguished
student – and a mediocre backbencher.
However
– he had joined government service and plodded along – and thanks to Assured
Career Progression (ACP) – he had reached a reasonably high position.
He
mentioned his position – he said that it was the civilian equivalent of
Brigadier – and then he asked me: “At what rank did you retire from the navy?”
I
was amused – since I was sure that he knew all about me.
After
all he had got my details from another classmate, who had been in the navy with
me.
This
guy was simply trying to ‘show off’ his status.
“How
does my navy rank matter to you?” I said, “I retired long back.”
“I
want to know. Tell me,” he insisted.
“Admiral
– I retired as an Admiral,” I said, tongue-in-cheek.
“Oh.
XXX said that you retired as a Commander,” he said, “You worked at a university
also, didn’t you?”
“Yes,
I was faculty at YYY University,” I said.
He
immediately started “name-dropping” – saying that the present vice-chancellor
of that university was a close acquaintance of his (in an attempt to raise his
own status).
He
was playing “status games” with me.
Of
course – I put him in his place by discussing his academic “achievements” and “sissy”
effeminate behaviour during our student days – for which he had been ragged
severely.
Going up and down a
person’s timeline is a good way of altering status.
Later
– in my blog – I will tell you many such anecdotes of the delightful fun I have
had playing “status games” while talking to people.
Meanwhile
– Dear Reader – whenever someone starts asking too many questions to you – do try
to discern whether the person is genuinely seeking information or expressing
emotions – or whether the individual is playing “status games” with you.
Then
– you know what to do.
Of
course – the next time you land up at a boring party or function – just walk up
to someone you do not know – and have fun by initiating and playing
conversation “status games”.
Playing
“Status Games” is a good way of “Frivolous Conversation”.
VIKRAM KARVE
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Disclaimer:
1. This blog post is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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