Humor in Uniform – “Rankophilia” – Fake OLQ

Military Officers being overly rank-consciousness while in service is boorish behaviour. 

But – Military Veterans trying to flaunt their ranks after retirement looks ridiculous – because once you retire – most people don’t give a damn about who you were in the past. 

Whenever I see rank-conscious armed forces officers and military veterans – I remember this article I had written a few years ago on the subject...

RANKOPHILIA – FAKE “OLQ” 

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

RANKOPHILIA 

RANKOPHILIA means Excessive Love of Rank (or Rank-Consciousness).

The greek word “philia” means excessive liking or love.

So rankophilia means excessive love of rank (or rank-consciousness).

And – an overly rank conscious officer may be called a “rankophile”.

If you have served in the Defence Services – you will have come across “rank consciousness” – especially in the highly regimented Army – where even some Army wives are excessively rank-conscious.

I have seen some such Rank Conscious Wives (RCWs) vitiate social life in the services.

We thought that as society becomes more egalitarian – the Army would also become more “modern” – and – “rank-consciousness” would decrease.

But – surprisingly – the opposite has happened – the Army is becoming more and more rank conscious – as more and more senior officers are being afflicted by the disease of “rankophilia”.

You may recall – that – sometime ago – a picture of a General delivering a speech while standing at a lectern decorated with a vehicle star plate went viral on the social media.

A few days later – there was another hilarious picture on the social media – this time a dignitary and his wife (both in civilian clothes) were sitting on a boat (pontoon) which had an army vehicle star plate fixed proudly displaying 3 stars.

I do not know where it is proper to display army star plates and where it is improper – but – we were told that – even while sitting in a vehicle – star plates are to be displayed only when the officer is proceeding on duty dressed in proper uniform.

A fellow “Fauji” Veteran told me that “rankophilia” is reaching epidemic proportions – and nowadays – Generals are using their ingenuity at displaying their stars in all possible ways – even while in civilian clothes and in civilian areas – on golf carts, golf caps, sporting hats, mugs, jackets, doors – almost everywhere where it is possible. 

(A witty veteran commented that soon Generals will tattoo stars on various parts of their bodies including on their “xxx” – Ha Ha – I leave it to your imagination...!!!)

For military officer – being rank conscious may be fine – while he is in service.

But – some of these snobbish types even try to throw around their “erstwhile” rank after retirement. 

(Ha Ha – some veterans will object to the use of the term “erstwhile rank” – and say that rank is for lifetime – okay – fine – but surely – after retirement – a senior officer becomes an “erstwhile” senior officer – actually – he becomes a civilian – since your rank has no authority/power once you retire – and – you are on par with any other veteran or civilian citizen)

A few years ago – I witnessed an amusing spectacle of a retired erstwhile senior army officer trying to pull rank and jump a queue for renewing his CSD Canteen Card – despite the fact that he was now a “retired nobody”.

Of course – he was put in his place by those veterans around him – and he was curtly told to get into the queue. 

The chastened rank-conscious snob beat a hasty retreat.

A friend told me that a similar scene happened in a bank during the annual “life certificate ritual” for pensioners – when a bank employee curtly told a retired General to get into the queue – while saying that – as far as the bank was concerned – all pensioners were equal.

I have seen some of these “rankophile” officers being totally ignored at veterans’ meets.

Some “smell the coffee” and mend their ways – and they mix around with everyone – while others withdraw into their shells and get isolated – and are never seen again at these veteran get-togethers.

I can say from my experience that the navy is much better than the army in this respect – and – even very senior officers quickly forget about their rank after retirement – and interact freely with everyone (In fact – many officers are not rank-conscious even while in service).

TYPES OF OFFICERS

When I was in the Defence Services (Navy) – I observed that there were Two Types of Officers:

1. GOOD OFFICERS (Genuine OLQ)

These were the confident type of officers – who carried themselves with poise and dignity – they were well-bred, polished, cultured and courteous.

These “good officers” were honest, transparent, fair and upright in their conduct – and quite humble, modest and down-to-earth in their behaviour. 

These officers did not need the “crutches of rank”  

In fact – by their exemplary demeanor – these officers enhanced the dignity of the rank they held. 

They always put “service before self...”. 

These “good officers” were role models for their juniors to admire and emulate.  

They truly epitomized the term: “An Officer and a Gentleman”. 

These Officers displayed Genuine “Officer-Like-Qualities” (OLQ)

2. CAREERIST STATUS CONSCIOUS SNOB (Fake OLQ) 

Then there were the insecure type – who were excessively rank conscious – haughty show-offs who believed in the dictum: 

“Boot your Juniors and Boot-lick your Seniors...” 

They were unabashed ambitious careerists – who put “self before service...” 

For them – their rank and status were everything.

For these insecure types – rank, promotion and their military career was the “be-all and end-all” of their life. 

They knew – in their hearts – that they lacked genuine “Officer Like Qualities” or OLQ.

So they faked OLQ.

These snobs faked OLQ by using bluff and bluster, pulling rank and overdoing the “Rank Has Its Privileges” or RHIP syndrome. 

These Officers displayed FAKE Officer-Like-Qualities (OLQ)

For these “Fake OLQ” types – rank was everything – because they knew – that – without the crutches of rank – they were Zero.

So – they wanted to get promoted at any cost – and they were prepared to go to any extent – and stoop to any level – in order to achieve their sole aim of getting promoted to high rank. 

It is this insecure and ambitious type of careerist officers – who often misuse their rank – and get involved in scams, scandals and unethical acts and tarnish the good name of the service. 

Such careerists may get promoted to high rank – but by their unethical conduct – they terribly damage the reputation of the entire service.

Snobbish and pretentious behaviour is a sign of Low Self-Esteem.

Yes – Low Self–Esteem that is the root cause of RANKOPHILIA (Excessive Love of Rank or Rank Consciousness)

FAKE OLQ

Rankophilia is “Fake OLQ”

As I told you at the beginning – the greek word “philia” means excessive liking or love.

So – “rankophilia” means excessive love for rank 

And – an overly rank-conscious officer may be called a “rankophile”

A STORY FOR RANKOPHILES

Do you see any status-conscious, pompous, egotistical snobs and rankophiles around you – who seem to be afflicted with rankophilia...?

Maybe you can tell them this “inspirational story” – in the hope that they will introspect, reflect – and change for the better.

DROP YOUR EGO

(AN INSPIRATIONAL STORY FOR STATUS CONSCIOUS SNOBS)

Keichu, the great Zen teacher of the Meiji era, was the head of Tofuku, a cathedral in Kyoto.

One day the Governor of Kyoto called on him for the first time.

He gave his visiting card to the attendant and sought audience with Keichu.

The attendant went inside and presented the visiting card of the Governor to Keichu.

The visiting card had the following words engraved on it: 

Kitagaki

GOVERNOR OF KYOTO

The Zen Teacher Keichu looked at the visiting card and said to the attendant: 

“I have no business with such a fellow. I do not want to meet him. Just tell him to get out of here...”

The attendant carried the visiting card back to the Governor with apologies.

The attendant told Governor Kitagi what the Zen Teacher Keichu had said. 

Governor Kitagi said: 

“I made a mistake. I will correct my error...” 

The Governor asked the attendant for a pencil. 

The attendant gave the Governor a pencil.

Then – Governor Kitagi took the visiting card – and – with the pencil – Governor Kitagaki scratched out the words “GOVERNOR OF KYOTO” 

Yes – Governor Kitagi scratched out the words “GOVERNOR OF KYOTO” 

Now – the visiting card carried only his name “Kitagaki”

Governor Kitagaki then gave the visiting card back to the attendant and said to him: 

“Please take this visiting card to your teacher – and ask him again – if he would please give me an audience...”

The Zen Teacher Keichu saw the visiting card and exclaimed with happiness: 

“Oh – it’s that Kitagaki...? I want to see that fellow. Send him inside immediately...”

MORAL OF THE STORY

So – that’s the secret of how to overcome rankophilia.

If you want to get rid of RANKOPHILIA – just DROP YOUR RANK and DROP YOUR EGO.

Yes – while in service – and – especially after retirement: 

DROP YOUR RANK  – and – DROP YOUR EGO

Why is everyone so obsessed with rank, status, power, wealth, fame and other egoistic trappings...?

Your INDIVIDUAL QUALITIES matter much more than your RANK. 

Your EXTERNAL RANK will go away one day

but 

Your INTRINSIC WORTH will remain with you forever – and maybe – it will be remembered as your LEGACY. 

And – once you retire – what matters more are your PRESENT ACCOMPLISHMENTS – rather than your PAST RANK – which is irrelevant in modern egalitarian society. 

Dear Reader: Do you agree...?  

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This blog post is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

This is a Revised Version of my Article Posted Earlier in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog by me Vikram Karve at 7/11/2013 04:45:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/07/rankophilia-love-of-rank-or-rank.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/01/humor-in-uniform-rankophilia-fauji.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2017/04/rankophilia-fake-olq.html

Humor in Uniform – The Scientist “Z”

MEMOIRS OF A “BABU” IN UNIFORM

Sometime ago 

 – a Civilian

 

“Babu” issued a letter regarding inter-se

 

“

equivalence

”

 

 between Civilian and Military Officers posted to Service Headquarters in New Delhi. 

And 

– many Senior Officers 

– serving and veteran 

– went hyper on 

the Social Media complaining that Defence Officers had been 

“downgraded” in status vis-a-vis their civilian counterparts. 

I get amused when I see excessively Rank-Conscious Senior Military Officers and Veterans who are obsessed with things like 

“warrant of precedence

”,

 

“civil-military 

equivalence

”,

 

“status/equivalence/

protocol

”, 

“inter-se seniority

” 

etc 

Of course 

 

– junior offficers and soldiers/sailors/airmen are least bothered about such inconsequential things which are mainly Delhi-Centric in nature. 

As a young officer 

– 

 

I didn

’t give a tinker’s damn about things like 

 

“warrant of precedence

”, 

“civil-military 

equivalence

”,

 

“status/equivalence/

protocol

”, 

“inter-se seniority

” 

etc

 

My only aim was to have a good time 

 

– 

and enjoy my job in the Navy. 

A

nd 

– in my mind 

– I considered myself as nothing less than an Admiral. 

During my service

– I wasn

’t overly rank-conscious at all 

– and it amuses me when some officers are 

rank-conscious even after retirement 

– though rank has no meaning in civilian life. 

While obsession about rank in uniform is bad enough 

– bickering about about inter-se seniority/status with civilians is even worse. 

All this

 

“

brouhaha

”

 over the 

 

“civil-military 

equivalence

” letter reminded me of this story.

This story happened around 35 years ago 

– in the early 1980

’

s 

– when I was a 

“Babu” in Uniform 

– pushing files

 in an office in New Delhi

...

Story of the SCIENTIST “Z”

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

After slogging for 5 years in the Navy – afloat and ashore – I was “selected” to undergo the 

 “prestigious”

 

 Two 

year M. Tech. course at IIT Delhi. 

On completion of my post graduation (M.Tech.) from IIT Delhi – I was posted to the Military “babudom” in Delhi – what we in the Navy jokingly referred to as the landlocked “Northern Naval Command”. 

Though ostensibly it was an Research and Development (R&D) billet in consonance with my recently acquired M.Tech. qualification – in actual fact 

 –

 

 I was a pen-pusher – a “Babu” in Uniform.

I clearly remember the first day I reported to my new job after completing my M. Tech. at IIT Delhi 

 – 

 my first day as a “Babu in Uniform” to push R&D files.

I reached my office dot on time – at exactly 9 AM.

The moment I entered my office – I saw a man sitting inside.

I noticed that he had picked up the phone and he was dialing a number.

From the way he was dressed – I thought he was a peon or conservancy staff.

Maybe – he was trying to misuse my official phone for his personal calls.

Despite my being in sparkling white navy uniform – the man seemed to be ignoring me – and 

 –

  he continued his phone call.

I got angry.

I roughly took the receiver from his hand – and 

 –

  I put the receiver back on the telephone instrument.

Then – I told him in Hindi to get out of my office.

The man stood up – and 

 – 

 he said to me in English: 

“You talk to me properly. I am a Scientist “F”…” 

On hearing this 

– 

I thought in my mind:

“Scientist “F”...? The impertinent bugger was only a Scientist “F”...!!! He must be equivalent to a bloody “Leading Seaman” – or at most 

–

 a “Petty Officer”. Yet 

–

 he was talking so arrogantly to me...” 

I decided to bullshit the hell out of him 

– Navy style.

So – I gestured rudely with my fingers – and – I told him in English to get out of my office.

But – the man would not budge.

In fact – he again sat down on the chair.

I lost my temper.

I raised my voice – and 

 –

  using typical profane Navy style language – I told the guy in no uncertain terms 

– 

to “bugger off...”.

(It may not be apt to tell you the exact swear-words, expletives, “four-letter words” – and – Navy style profanities – that I shouted at him)

The man was shocked and taken aback by my shouting and abusive language – and – thoroughly shaken up – he quickly disappeared from my office.

A few minutes later – a smartly dressed civilian entered my office.

He was my direct boss – the Joint Director – who I had met only fleetingly when my predecessor had introduced me to him in the Director’s office during my “incoming” interview with the Director.

“Good morning, Sir...” I wished him.

“Good morning, Lieutenant...” he said.

“Sir – please sit down...” I said.

The Civilian Joint Director pulled a chair – he sat down – and he said to me: 

“Everything okay...?”

“Yes, Sir ...” I answered.

“There is a thoroughly terrified and shaken up person sitting in my office. He has almost had a nervous breakdown. He says that you abused him in filthy language – and – you bullshitted the hell out of him. What happened...?” the Civilian Joint Director asked me.

I told the Civilian Joint Director the full story. 

Then – I said to the Civilian Joint Director: 

“Just imagine, Sir – what an impertinent bastard...!!! 

He is just a bloody piddly Scientist “F”... 

But – he was behaving as if he was a Scientist “A” – or a Scientist “B”…!!! 

So – I let him have it – nice and proper – and – I threw him out of my office...”

The Civilian Joint Director burst out laughing – and – he said to me: 

“Tell me – what do you think I am...?”

I looked at him – quite clueless.

The Civilian Joint Director looked at me 

– 

and 

–

 he said to me: 

“I am also a “Scientist” – you tell me what “Grade” of “Scientist” do you think I am...? Tell me – what do you think is my grade...?”

I looked at him – and – I thought to myself: 

“Surely he could not be a Scientist “A” – if so – he would have been the Director – or maybe – even higher. At most – he could be a Scientist “B” – or more likely – a Scientist“C”…”

It was better to err on the safer side – so I said to him: 

“Sir – you must be Scientist “B” – or – you must be a very senior Scientist “C” …”

“I am a Scientist “E” …” he said.

“You are an “E”…!!! Really Sir...? How can you be a Scientist “E”…” I exclaimed in surprise. 

The Civilian “Scientist” Joint Director said to me: 

“In R&D everything is topsy-turvy. 

In Academics – grade “A” may be higher than grade “B” which is higher than grade “C” and so on... 

But in R&D – everything is “ulta-pulta” (topsy turvy) – in reverse order – so Scientist “F” is higher than Scientist “E” – do you understand...?” he explained to me.

“Oh, shit...” I said.

“The guy you bullshitted is a Senior Scientist “F” – he is equivalent in rank to your Navy Captain or Commodore...” the Civilian Joint Director said to me.

“Sir – I am sorry. Should I apologize to him...?” I said.

“Relax...” the Civilian Joint Director said, “on second thoughts – I feel that you did the right thing. Sitting here in Delhi – I think that this is the best way to deal with those buggers from outstation Labs who come here and disturb us. Now that you have earned a reputation as a bullshitter – let your terrible reputation spread – and no one will bother you here...”

I sat in silence – feeling relieved.

The Civilian Joint Director got up to leave – and – as he walked to the door – he turned around – and he said to me: 

“And by the way – there is no rank as Scientist “A” 

In R&D – the alphabet starts with “B” – so – Scientist “B” is the junior-most rank. 

Why is it so...? 

Why there is no rank of Scientist “A”...? 

Well – I don’t know – so please don’t ask me...!!!”

EPILOGUE

At first – I thought that these “Boffin” Scientists were dumb – in having a reverse order of alphabet hierarchy.

But later – I realized that the “Boffins” were much smarter than everyone else – particularly the straightforward gullible “Faujis” – who were outwitted by the Scientists on most occasions.

During those days – the senior-most rank was Scientist “F”.

Soon – they created a Scientist “G”

Later – they had a Scientist “H” 

And – they can endlessly go on and on creating more and more higher ranks: 

Scientist “I” – Scientist “J” – Scientist “K”…“L”…“M”…“N”…“O”...“P”... 

They can go all the way down the alphabet – till they create a Scientist “Z” – who may outrank everyone in the Military Hierarchy and Civil Services Bureaucracy.

You never know – but the way their ranks are proliferating – these canny “Boffins” may one day even claim that Scientist “Z” outranks the President, Prime Minister and Ministers too.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

 

This Story was written by me Vikram Karve 4 years ago in the year 2013 and was earlier posted by me Vikram Karve in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog on unter title SCIENTIST "Z" on Dec 19, 2013 by Vikram Karve at 12/19/2013 03:42:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/12/humor-in-uniform-scientist-z.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/03/humor-in-uniform-faujis-babus-and.htmland http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/11/memoirs-of-babu-in-uniform-story-of.html etc