Wednesday, October 14, 2015

MARRIAGE GUIDE : How to Overcome “Compatibility Issues” in Marriage

MARRIAGE GUIDE
How to Overcome “Compatibility Issues” in Marriage
Musings
By
VIKRAM KARVE


INCOMPATIBLE – YET HAPPILY MARRIED

In a “Love Marriage” – it is quite unlikely that there are “compatibility issues”

In a love marriage – the husband and wife marry because they are in love.

And – the very fact that they are in “love” – means that the husband and wife are “compatible” with each other – “ipso facto” – because – how can you fall in “love” with a person who is not “compatible” with you?

So – in a “Love Marriage” – it is obvious that the husband and wife are “compatible” with each other.

However – in “Arranged Marriages” – the situation is entirely different.

In an “Arranged Marriage” – it is highly possible that the husband and wife are “incompatible”. with each other.

My own marriage is an example of this – my Wife and Me are totally “incompatible”.

Yet – despite this total “incompatibility” – our marriage has survived for more than 33 years – 33 years and 5 months to be precise.

And – despite “compatibility issues” – we seem to be happily married.

(Well – at least  I can speak for myself – I am quite happy with my wife and our marriage).

How can incompatible couples remain happily married...?

Here is an article I wrote 3 years ago  in the year 2012  when we completed 30 years of married life.  


Musings of a Much Married Husband By Vikram Karve 

Link to my original post in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal: 

COMFORT LEVEL and MARRIED LIFE – LIKES and DISLIKES

Every Saturday morning  my wife and I go the E-Square Multiplex on the University Road in Pune. 

We see a movie  and then enjoy some good vegetarian food at the Food Court  and then go about our weekend business. 

It is a good start to a weekend.

A few months back  one Saturday  as is customary  we reached E-Square at 9 AM in the morning. 

I wanted to see an English Movie – a serious film which had just won an Oscar. 

My wife wanted to see the latest cacophonous Bollywood “comedy” – which I was not keen on watching since I really do not relish such raucous slapstick.

Luckily there were shows of both the movies at 9:30 – albeit on different screens.

So – I went to see the Hollywood Movie on Screen 3.

And  my wife went to see the Bollywood Film on Screen 5.

My movie finished early  so I was waiting for my wife at a Food Court  when our neighbours from our residential apartments  a young couple  spotted me sitting all alone.

So – the young couple came over to say, “Hi.”

I invited them to join me  and ordered coffee for all of us.

“We were sitting right behind you in the theatre,” the smart young lady said.

“Oh...? Sorry  I didn’t notice you,” I said.

“So you have come for the movie all alone...?” the husband asked.

“No – me and my wife have come together – but my wife is watching the Hindi Movie on Screen 5. Her movie is not yet over – so I am waiting for her here...” I said

Seeing the bewildered look on their faces  I explained, “You see  my wife does not like English Movies  especially serious films like the one we saw. And I really don’t like these loud noisy Bollywood comedies  like the one she is seeing  which she prefers.”

“So you go your separate ways?” the young wife asked me, with a curious look on her face.

“Yes,” I said, “What we both like to do  we do together. When our likes do not match  we do those things on our own. Why should I compel my wife to do something that she does not like doing? And why should a wife force her husband to do something he does not like? Tell me  why should we impose our likes and dislikes on each other...?” 

“Shall I tell you something?” the young husband said.

“Please  go ahead  feel free...” I said.

“Actually  I too wanted to see the Hindi Movie on Screen 5. I hate English Movies – like the one we just saw,” the husband confessed.

“But why didn’t you tell me?” the wife retorted.

“I did not want to spoil your mood. I know you hate these light Hindi comedies and you like to watch these boring serious English Films like the one we saw today,” the husband said.

“Come on guys,” I said, “the most important thing in a marriage is to have a good comfort level with your partner – there should be no barrier, no mask, no masquerade, no pretense, no faking emotions  and there should be absolutely no trust-deficit in the relationship.”

Suddenly  my wife came and sat down. 

My wife seemed very happy – it was obvious that she had enjoyed the Bollywood Movie

My wife said: “Hi, nice to see you here” to the young couple.

Then – my wife looked at me and said, “I really enjoyed the movie – it was unadulterated fun total nonsense – no taxing the brain – but you wouldn’t have liked it. How was your movie?”

“Good,” I said, “I really liked my English film too.”

“That’s great,” my wife said. 

Then she looked at the couple and said, “Come on  let’s eat.”

Once we had eaten some delicious food, I asked my wife, “What next?” 

“Let’s go to the Mall in Camp,” my wife said, “you browse your boring books in Landmark while I do some exciting shopping. When I finish shopping   I will give you a ring  and we can walk down Main Street to Marzorin for some yummy snacks and cold coffee.”

“How long have you two been married?” the young couple asked.

“30 years,” I said.

“Why don’t you come over to our place tomorrow morning?” the young lady asked, “we’ll have brunch together – or we can go out somewhere to eat.”

“No, No,” my wife said, “on Sunday mornings we are not free. We both give our dog a bath every Sunday morning. Do you know  that is the one thing we really enjoy most doing together – giving our dog a bath. And then we will laze around and watch the Sunday TV Programmes together. We love doing that.”

“After so many years of marriage – we know each other’s likes and dislikes – so what we both like we do together – and where there is a mismatch – we do separately,” I said.


“LIKES” and “DISLIKES” LISTS

Before we said Goodbye  the young couple said, “We too are going to make our “likes” and “dislikes” lists.”

“Do that,” I said, “make your “likes” and “dislikes” lists – and remember:

1. Where the “likes” match  do those things together

2. Where the “likes” do not match  each one just go on your own trip – and do those things separately.”


PS: 

Recently – there was a Literary Festival in Pune. 

I went alone for the Literary Festival (since my wife was not interested in attending the Literary Festival). 

While I was attending the Literary Festival  my wife went shopping in a Mall (I hate shopping in Malls).

When I picked her up in the evening – both of us were happy – since both of us had done what we liked doing.

VIKRAM KARVE
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Disclaimer:
1. This is based on my personal experience. It may or may not work for you. So please do due diligence before trying out this technique.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

This is an Updated, Abridged and Revised version of my article written 3 years ago and posted online in my blog on April 22, 2012 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/04/marriage-comfort-level-and-married-life.html 
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