Senile Humor : PLEASE DON’T CALL ME “UNCLE”

Senile Humor 

PLEASE DON’T CALL ME “UNCLE” 

Humble Plea of a Young at Heart “Veteran”

A Spoof

By 

VIKRAM KARVE

When I joined the Navy in the 1970’s – young girls started calling me “uncle”.

I was barely 20 years old – and this was the first time someone had called me “uncle”.

Of course – the girls who called me “uncle” were senior officers’ daughters (members of SODA aka Senior Officers’ Daughters Association) – and they were following “fauji” social tradition of addressing all officers as “uncle”.

It did not matter that most of these girls who called me “uncle” were almost my age – or just a few years younger.

After retirement – we live in lovely modern residential society in Pune – where most of the residents are young “IT Nerds” and “Techie Couples” working in the IT/ITES/Software Sector. 

Sadly – most of the girls called me “uncle”.

Of course – the “girls” – range from nubile young IT Techies in their 20’s – to beautiful young mothers in their 30’s.

Believe it or not – but the other day – a rather “middle aged” woman called me “Kaka” (which colloquially implies a rather “elderly” uncle in Marathi).

I was devastated.

In the 1970’s – girls called me “uncle”.

Now – almost 40 years later – in the year 2015 – “girls” still call me “uncle”.

To make matters worse – even some of my Facebook and Twitter “Virtual Girlfriends” have started calling me “Uncle” – and some address me as “Sir” too.

Well – I am still young at heart – and all this “Sir” and “Uncle” business makes me feel old – which is a terrible feeling.

I am terrified – that – at this rate – soon – some young girl may even call me “Grandfather” (or “Ajoba” in Marathi)

To all my “Girlfriends” – Real and Virtual – I am making a very humble request from the bottom of my heart: 

“Please stop calling me “Uncle” “Sir” “Kaka” etc – just call me Vikram...”

My Dear Girlfriends – Real and Virtual: 

“It is terrible to be made to feel old – and I am sure you will understand my feelings – and from now on you will call me “Vikram” . 

And – for those “girls” who still want to make me feel old – I have decided that ‘enough is enough’...”

If you call me “Uncle” – I will call you “Aunty”

If you call me “Sir” – I will call you “Madam”

If you call me “Kaka” – I will call you “Kaku”

(Thankfully – no “girlfriend” has called me “Grandpa” or “Ajoba” so far)

All this reminds me of this real life story which I had posted online more than 3 years ago in this blog on Aug 28, 2012.

The Story is called: The Ageless Wonder – The Eternal “Uncle”

I am posting this story – once again – especially for my “girlfriends”...

THE AGELESS WONDER and THE ETERNAL “UNCLE”

Slice of Life Story

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Circa 1982

CURZON ROAD APARTMENTS NEW DELHI 

In 1982 – as a newly married couple – we lived in Curzon Road Apartments on Kasturba Gandhi Marg near India Gate in New Delhi.

Me – my wife – and our puppy dog (a small Lhasa Apso Puppy Dog Sherry given to us as a wedding gift) – all three of us lived in our neat cosy one room apartment with a small kitchenette and a lovely balcony high up on the top floor.

One evening – while on her way back home from work – my wife went to the convenience store to buy milk.

The shopkeeper told her that her father had already bought milk a few minutes ago.

My wife was delighted at the unexpected visit of her father – so she rushed to our house.

She did not see her father around – so my wife asked me, “Where is Daddy?”

“Your Daddy? He must be in Srinagar,” I said.  

“No. Daddy has come here,” she said.

“Who told you?” I asked.

“The shopkeeper,” she said.

“Really? Let’s go down and ask him,” I said.

So we went down – and we asked the shopkeeper.

The shopkeeper pointed towards me and said, “He took the milk. I thought he was your father.”

“He is my husband,” my wife said, pointing at me.

“I am sorry, Sir – but I was really mistaken,” the shopkeeper said apologetically to me.

Then the shopkeeper smiled at my wife and said to her, “Madam – you look so young – you look just like a schoolgirl – and your husband looks so ‘mature’ – so I thought that your husband was your father.”

It was true. 

When we were married – my wife looked very young – just like a schoolgirl. 

She was 21 – and I was 25.

And though the shopkeeper hadn’t spelt it out in so many words – I did look a bit older than my 25 years – with my “healthy” built – and my formidable full-set Navy beard.

Unlike the so-called “metrosexual” men of today – I like to be who I am – so I don’t believe in “cosmetic engineering”.

I believe in the “old-mould” idea that a man must look like a man – tough and masculine – and though hygiene and grooming are important – there is no need for a man to be excessively obsessed about his looks.

Of course – whereas having an appropriate dress sense and wearing good quality clothes is a must – there is no need for a man to “deck up”.

That’s why – when the first strand of grey hair appeared on my head when I was in my mid 40’s – I never used hair-dye – nor did I colour my copious beard when it started greying.

Of course – I must say here – that my wife too has a natural look – and she hardly uses any cosmetics – and she has never coloured her hair.

The fact of the matter was that my wife did indeed look much younger than me.

And – I did indeed look a bit “mature” – as the shopkeeper had said.

Period.

So – even in those days – when a pretty young girl called me “uncle” – I did not mind it very much. 

Maybe – for pretty young girls – I did indeed look like an “uncle”.

30 YEARS LATER

Circa 2012

PUNE 

This happened 3 years ago in Pune (in the year 2012).

My wife was getting off an auto-rickshaw. 

The fare was 52 rupees. 

My wife gave the auto-rickshaw driver a 50 rupee note – and she was desperately searching in her purse for a 2 rupee coin.

The auto driver said magnanimously to my wife, “Never mind Ajji – it is okay if you don’t give me the two rupees.”

Now – in Marathi – the word “AJJI” means GRANDMOTHER.

I cannot begin to describe the emotion of elation I felt when I heard this.

And just imagine – pretty young girls still call me “uncle”.

Disclaimer: 

Maybe the auto-rickshaw driver needed an eye checkup. 

My wife still looks very young – maybe not like a schoolgirl like she did in 1982 – but certainly like a college girl. 

And me? 

Well – I am an ageless wonder.

So – Dear “Girls”: “Please don’t call me “Uncle”

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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This story writen by me Vikram Karve in 2012 and posted by me online earlier at urls http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/08/am-i-ageless-wonder.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/01/the-eternal-uncle.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/memories-of-curzon-road-apartments.html