HUMOUR IN UNIFORM
Unforgettable Characters I Met in the Navy
NAVAL OFFICER ON “FAST”
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE
“FAST FOOD”
Today is a Monday.
My wife is on a “fast”.
My wife loves fasting.
She indulges in and observes all types of fasts on various occasions.
No – she does not go on a hunger strike – but she “fasts” with “fast food”.
Yes – her “fasts” are not true fasts in the rigorous ascetic Spartan sense.
In fact they are delicious satiating fulfilling “fasts” – an appetizing change of cuisine – to savour what I call “fast-food” – like sabudana khichadi, sabudana wada, coconut potato sweet kachori, milk sweets etc.
This “fast food” is quite mouthwatering and yummy – and maybe it is a bit more calorie-rich than normal food – and – in fact – it is more “feasting” than “fasting”.
(well that’s the “fast food” I am referring to – not the burgers and pizza you thought!).
Since we are on the topic of “fasts” and “fast food” – let me tell you the hilarious story of the Naval Officer on a “fast”.
So – Dear Reader – from my Humour in Uniform Archives – here is the Story of The Lieutenant on “Fast”
Unforgettable Characters I Met in the Navy
NAVAL OFFICER ON “FAST”
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE
“FAST FOOD”
Today is a Monday.
My wife is on a “fast”.
My wife loves fasting.
She indulges in and observes all types of fasts on various occasions.
No – she does not go on a hunger strike – but she “fasts” with “fast food”.
Yes – her “fasts” are not true fasts in the rigorous ascetic Spartan sense.
In fact they are delicious satiating fulfilling “fasts” – an appetizing change of cuisine – to savour what I call “fast-food” – like sabudana khichadi, sabudana wada, coconut potato sweet kachori, milk sweets etc.
This “fast food” is quite mouthwatering and yummy – and maybe it is a bit more calorie-rich than normal food – and – in fact – it is more “feasting” than “fasting”.
(well that’s the “fast food” I am referring to – not the burgers and pizza you thought!).
Since we are on the topic of “fasts” and “fast food” – let me tell you the hilarious story of the Naval Officer on a “fast”.
So – Dear Reader – from my Humour in Uniform Archives – here is the Story of The Lieutenant on “Fast”
THE STORY OF THE LIEUTENANT ON “FAST” – A Spoof By Vikram Karve
The gangs of Dockyard “Mateys” were working incessantly throughout the day in engine room of the ship.
Lieutenant “S” was personally supervising the dockyard gangs.
The ship was due to sail next morning and the job had to be completed on top priority.
I stood on the quarterdeck, near the gangway.
Outside, it was getting dark.
It was raining heavily.
On one side of the ship was an angry dark grey sea, with white peaks and black troughs of the turbulent waves violently lashing against the ship’s side.
And on the other side of the ship, the jetty was barely visible as the torrential rain lashed down on the wharf.
It was quite an eerie and scary atmosphere.
At 7 in the evening, Lieutenant “S” came up to the gangway.
“Finished, Sir?” I asked.
“Almost – we’re boxing up now – should be finished in an hour or so,” he said.
“Shall I tell the Old Man?” I asked.
“Yes, I think you do that,” he said.
I dialled the Captain’s home number from the shore telephone.
“Very Good,” the Captain said after I told him that the repairs had been completed and the Dockyard Team was boxing up.
I saw Lieutenant “S” gesturing that he would like to speak to the Captain.
So I said to the Captain, “Sir – Lieutenant “S” of the Dockyard would like to speak to you.”
“Oh – Lieutenant “S” is still on board, is he? Yes, yes – I will speak to him – give him the phone,” the Captain said.
Lieutenant “S” spoke to the Captain for a long time.
He seemed to be explaining everything – the nature of the defect – what repairs they had carried out – all the details.
Then Lieutenant “S” held out the phone – and he said that the Captain wanted to speak to me.
“I have told him to carry out a proper test and trial. I will speak to the GM about extending the overtime. You make sure that the Dockyard Mateys are looked after properly. It is raining heavily – see that they get a hot meal – and don’t let them go ashore till the rain clears up. And make sure you look after Lieutenant “S” personally – he is an old shipmate of mine,” the Captain said.
“Aye Aye, Sir...” I said and put down the phone.
That’s what I liked about my Captain – his human touch – the compassionate way he cared for his men and everyone else like the dockyard mateys too. My Captain was a hard taskmaster – but he always put humans first.
Qualification-wise – the Captain was only a matriculate – but I learnt more about Human Resource Management and Officership by observing him – than I learnt from the many HR Management and Leadership Courses I did later.
I arranged for a hot meal for the Dockyard Mateys – and some bunks in the mess-decks for them to rest.
I asked Lieutenant “S” whether he would like to have a drink in the wardroom while I took my evening rounds.
“Sure,” he said, brightening up.
Having observed Lieutenant “S” downing peg after peg of whisky at various parties – I knew that he enjoyed his drinks – and that he particularly loved drinking Whisky.
Lieutenant “S” was a very senior Lieutenant, on the verge of becoming a Lieutenant Commander.
This story happened in the 1970’s – much before the Ajai Vikram Singh (AVS) Report Bonanza in the year 2006 – which radically altered the “Rank Responsibility Authority” Equilibrium and upset the well established “Rank versus Appointment” Balance.
In earlier times – you were promoted as Lieutenant after 3 years service as a Naval Officer – and you remained in the rank of Lieutenant for 8 long years before being promoted as Lieutenant Commander after a total of 11 years of commissioned service.
Those days – most of the officers on board a ship were Lieutenants – but now – after the AVS Cadre Review – the significance of rank has been so diluted – that now – you probably have Commanders performing the duties of First Lieutenant (“number one” or XO) – and Captains are XO’s of shore establishments.
To return back to our story – as I escorted Lieutenant “S” to the wardroom – I asked him, “Sir, the Old Man said that you were his shipmate.”
“Yes. I was his Senior Engineer in his previous command. Besides, we are related too – your Captain is my distant cousin. I know your Captain very well. That is why I am personally on board,” he said.
I gave him a smile.
Now that I had this important piece of information – I knew that I would have to treat Lieutenant “S” in style – the choicest premium whisky we had on board, some good “small eats” like our special fried luncheon meat – Chicken “65” – and fish fingers – followed by a sumptuous dinner – I would have to tell the cook to prepare a roast chicken or maybe butter chicken – whatever, Lieutenant “S” preferred.
When we were seated at the bar in the wardroom – I asked the steward, “Which is the best whisky we have?”
“Sir, we have got Chivas Regal and Royal Salute – and if you prefer Single Malt – there is ‘The Glenlivet’ and Glenfiddich,” the bar steward said.
“No. No. Tonight I will like to have some Rum,” Lieutenant “S” said.
“Rum...?” I asked, surprised.
“Yes – today I will drink Rum – but you don’t worry – if you don’t have Rum on board – then give me any soft drink,” he said.
“Sir – of course we will serve you Rum – but I have always seen you drinking whisky – and we have the best whiskies on board – so I thought you will prefer a good drink of the best whisky...” I said.
“I know. But I am fasting today...” Lieutenant “S” said.
“Fasting...?” I asked, flabbergasted.
“Yes, I fast on Thursdays – it’s an old habit,” he said.
I looked at him in silence – trying to comprehend what his words.
Seeing my confusion – Lieutenant “S” said: “Let me explain. Some things are allowed during fasts – and some things are not allowed. For example – during fasts – you cannot eat grains like wheat, rice, or pulses like daal, or most vegetables – and of course – non-veg items like meat and eggs are totally prohibited. But you can eat starchy things like potatoes, sweet potato and sago, and all types of nuts – and you can have milk, curds and all milk products, and you can eat all types of fruits – and – of course – you can have sugar during fasts – that is why Rum is allowed – because Rum is made from sugarcane.”
“I see. On your fasting days you don’t drink whisky and beer because they are made from grain – but you can drink Rum because Rum is made from sugarcane.”
“Yes.”
“That means even Brandy and Wine are allowed – since they are made from grapes – a fruit...”
“Yes. But on my fasting days – I prefer Rum,” Lieutenant “S” said.
I wondered whether our ship’s bar stocked Old Monk or Hercules Rum.
With the best quality of select duty free foreign liquor available on board – I had hardly seen anyone drinking Indian Rum on board ship.
Sensing what was going on in my mind – Lieutenant “S” said, “Hey – if you don’t have Rum, it doesn’t matter – I will have a glass of fruit juice”.
“Of course we have Rum, Sir – we have the best Rum in the world,” the bar steward said – and he proudly placed a bottle of Lemon Hart Rum in front of Lieutenant “S”.
“Lemon Hart – the original Navy Rum – that’s really great,” a delighted Lieutenant “S” said, caressing the bottle.
Within seconds he was enjoying his stiff drink of Rum and Water – while I sipped on my Whisky Soda.
We sat and enjoyed our drinks – especially Lieutenant “S” who seemed to be thoroughly enjoying his Rum.
At midnight – when it had stopped raining – I escorted Lieutenant “S” off the gangway.
Lieutenant “S” had thoroughly enjoyed his “fast”.
Lieutenant “S” had polished off more than half the bottle of Lemon Hart Rum – and he was in the highest of spirits.
Of course – since he was “fasting” – Lieutenant “S” did not have any dinner.
He just had a few plates of peanuts and a few packets of potato wafers – both of which were permitted “fast food” – like Rum.
EPILOGUE – An Expert Opinion on Permitted “Fast Food”
Later on – during my leave in Pune – I checked up with my grandmother – and I asked her whether Rum was allowed on fasts.
Though she did not approve of drinking alcohol – especially during fasts – she confirmed that “theoretically” speaking – purely from the “technical” angle – Lieutenant “S” was right.
Sugar was allowed for fasts.
And if Rum was prepared from Sugarcane – then – at least theoretically – Rum was allowed as a “fast food” too.
Ethically and Morally – it may not be desirable to drink Rum during a “fast”.
But Theoretically – purely from the “Technical” angle – Rum was a permitted “fast food”.
Unforgettable Characters I Met in the Navy
I met many unforgettable characters in the Navy – each with their own idiosyncrasies and eccentricities – but I can never forget Lieutenant “S” – ‘The “Fast Food” Lieutenant’.
I wonder where Lieutenant “S” is nowadays – and I hope he reads this “memoir” – and has a hearty laugh reminiscing those “good old days” – more than 37 years ago – in the 1970’s...
VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
1. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so please take it lightly with a sense of humor and a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)
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