Salt Horse

SALT HORSE

Navy Stereotypes

Random Ramblings of a Navy Veteran

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Long ago – when I joined the Navy – there was a tendency to stereotype officers – especially officers of the Executive Branch (“Seaman” Officers) – on ships.

Those days – a warship had four “Specialist” Executive Officers:

1.            Gunnery Officer (GO)

Typically – Gunnery Officers were supposed to be “hot-shot” “spit-and-polish” “rough and tough” Type-A personalities who would be hollering at the top of their voice most of the time.

In addition of their professional gunnery duties – Gunnery Officers were responsible for all Parade, Drill and Ceremonial Activities/Events/Routines on the ship.

Gunnery Officers commanded Landing/Boarding Parties sent by the ship on operations to land ashore or board other ships.

Traditionally – the Gunnery Officer of the ship was the Officer of the Watch (OOW) during the toughest “Middle Watch” at Sea (Midnight to 4 AM or 2400/0000 Hrs to 0400 Hrs).

The “stereotype” Gunnery Officer was a redoubtable officer with “spic-and-span” bearing – the “prima donna” among Seamen Specialist Officers.

Of course – Gunnery Officers had the reputation of being “hard drinking” officers who could drink everyone else under the table.

In earlier days – Gunnery Officers dominated the Navy – they were the “prima donnas” – the “crème de la crème” – and – most Admirals were Gunnery Officers. (Now – it is not so).

2.            Navigation and Direction (ND) Officer (NO)

Navigation Officers considered themselves as “intellectuals” among the Seamen Officers.

The NO was the “pilot” of the ship – responsible for safe and proper Navigation of the Ship.

The NO also looked after Operations and Aircraft Direction – and was the Ship’s “Meteorological” Officer – unless a qualified “Met” Officer from the Education Branch was borne. 

Since Navigation Officers considered themselves to be the intellectually superior “crème de la crème” among Seamen Officers – so – they tended to remain aloof.

In fact – in British Origin/Design Ships – the NO’s Cabin was located near the Bridge – far away from the Cabins of other Officers (Officers’ Cabin Flat) – and this distance further facilitated aloofness and exclusivity. 

3.            Signal Communication Officer (SCO)

These were the “clever” and “smart” officers – shrewd, canny and wily – who – owing to the nature of their duties – enjoyed proximity to the Captain – and hence – the Captain’s “Spy” in the Wardroom was most likely to be the SCO.

Due to their intelligent cunning and crafty nature – they always outwitted their counterparts – especially the straight-talking Gunnery Officer (GO) and the laid-back TASO (Torpedo Anti-Submarine Officer).

A unique feature of the Signal Communications Branch was that though SCO’s were considered Executive (Seamen) Officers – their Sailors were not “Seamen”.

This enabled them to enjoy Command and rise to the highest echelons of the Navy.

4.            Torpedo Anti-Submarine Officer (TASO)

(With our penchant for changing names – and – in consonance with the increasing “Americanization” of the Navy – TASO was later renamed as ASWO (Anti-Submarine Warfare Officer) – but – I will use the designation TASO of the 1970’s – the era to which this story pertains…)

The TASO was the most “laid back” Officer among the “Specialist” Officers.

Maybe – this was because his domain was towards the aft of the ship – away from prying eyes of the Captain on the bridge – in contrast to the Gunnery Officer’s “part of ship” – the fo’c’sle – in direct view of the bridge.

Or maybe – it was because of the rather nebulous nature of underwater warfare in those times.

I may be wrong – but it was my observation – that – on the ships on which I served – the TASO was the least ambitious among “Specialist” Officers – in contrast to the “Hot-Shot” Gunnery Officer, the “Cat’s Whiskers” Navigating Officer and the “Shrewd” Signal Communication Officer.

The TASO did his job quietly and efficiently.

“Visibility” is important in the Navy.

On a ship – the Captain (and “powers-that-be) – are normally stationed on the “Bridge” of the Ship. 

From the “Bridge” – the TASO was not “visible” – nor did he make too much “noise” – so he was not “audible” too – and this made him appear relatively “laid back” as compared to his “Eager Beaver” counterparts.

TASO’s were my best friends on the ships on which I served.

Those days – it seemed – that – very few TASO’s reached the higher echelons of the Navy – as compared to their counterparts in Gunnery, Navigation and Communications.

However – with the renaming of TAS to ASW (and TASO to ASWO) – things seem to have changed dramatically – and – there seem to be plenty of ASWO’s in the higher echelons of the Navy. (Yes – the renaming of TASO to ASWO seems to have miraculously brightened their fortunes).

Well – based on my observations of “yesteryear” – I have “stereotyped” four types of Executive Officers (abbreviated as “X” Officers) – GO, NO, SCO, TASO.

However – I did come across other types of officers who belonged to the Executive Branch (“X” Branch).

For example – there were the “Hydro” Officers (Hydrographers) – highly specialised professionals – who were in their own world – busy on their Survey Ships – which were painted White in contrast to the Battle-Grey of Warships.

There were Naval Aviators (Pilots and Observers) – and Submariners – some of whom were specialists in G/ND/C/TAS too.

Also – there were the “landlubber” Naval Armament Inspection (NAI) Officers – why they were categorised as “X” Officers – I have not understood till today.

And – when the Supply and Secretariat (S&S) Branch was abolished in the late 1970’s – suddenly – overnight – hey presto – all S&S Officers became “X” Officers – and some of them completed their “X” courses and Sea Watchkeeping – and in due course – they qualified their Specialisation Courses too – and became GO, NO, SCO, TASO etc.

And of course – there was the “Salt Horse” – Navy Term for an Executive Officer who has not specialised in Gunnery, Navigation, Communications, TAS etc.

Yes – a “Salt Horse” is a Non-Specialist “X” Officer.

(Will some “Sea Dog” please tell us the origins of the term “Salt Horse”…?)

Well – let me tell you that I have seen a few “Salt Horses” reach high rank in the Navy – even command Warships. 

But – these are exceptions – and – it is the “Specialist” Executive Officers who rule the roost.

EPILOGUE

Do these stereotypes exist today…?

I don’t know.

But – I certainly saw the stereotypes diluting towards the later part of my Naval Service.

I did see a few “laid back” Gunnery Officers – but – I have yet to see an “Eager Beaver” TAS Officer.

What about you – Dear Reader…?

Are there such stereotypes in your organisation…?

If you are a Navy Veteran – do you agree with the stereotypes above – or – have things changed…?

If you are a Military Veteran – do tell us about the “stereotypes” in the Army and the Air Force. 

Dear Reader – before some “Hot Shot” Gunnery Officer comes “Gunning” for me – let me add a “disclaimer” that this story is a fictional spoof – and the stereotypes are a product of my imagination. 

VIKRAM KARVE 

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved) 

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

Out Pipe – Story from My Navy Days

NAVY CUT

Tobacco – the Navy Connection 

OUT PIPE

Story 

By

VIKRAM KARVE

NB:

1. This story happened 42 years ago in the 1970’s.

2. For the benefit of my civilian readers – certain Naval Terms have been explained in brackets/italics. Military/Naval/Veteran readers may skip these explanations.

PART 1

We sailed out after breakfast in the morning.

At around 10 AM – “Special Sea Dutymen” (SSD) had been “secured” after we left Mumbai harbour (Mumbai was called Bombay in the 1970’s). 

[Special Sea Dutymen (SSD) are key sailors involved in certain important evolutions of the ship like entering/leaving harbour, anchoring, coming alongside, close-quarter manoeuvring, refuelling at sea etc. Officers and Key Senior/Junior Sailors and in each department man/operate vital posts/equipment during these evolutions].

Special Sea Dutymen (SSD) had been “closed up” before leaving harbour. 

And – Special Sea Dutymen (SSD) were “secured” after leaving harbour.

[“close up” means to immediately proceed to place of duty. “secure” means to stop work. After the evolution is completed – the SSD hands over duties to the “Duty Watch” and the SSD “secures”. The “Duty Watch” performs their assigned duties for the 4 hours “Watch” – at sea – the working day is divided into watches of 4 hours each – starting midnight – with two dog watches of 2 hours each in the evening – in order to escape the monotony of standing the same watch every day].

At 10:30 AM – “Stand Easy” was “piped”.

[“Pipe” (or Boatswain’s Call) is a command issued by the Quartermaster over the ship’s broadcast system – it comprises a boatswain's “call” – a methodical wailing whistle peculiar for each “command” – followed the verbal “command” spoken clearly on the ship’s broadcast system. “Stand Easy” is a short break for the crew in the day’s work routine for a cup of tea and a smoke].

“Stand Easy” had been piped – and – we were enjoying a cup of tea with snacks in the Wardroom.

Suddenly – the Ship’s Main Broadcast System (SRE) crackled to life – and we were surprised to hear a rather funny announcement:

“Cigarette Band”  ( सिगरेट बंद )

We were wondering about this crazy announcement – when we heard the next announcement:

“Executive Officer requested Bridge – Captain’s Compliments…”

This was going to be fun – it seemed that the XO was going to get a “Bottle” from the Captain.

[The term “Bottle” is Naval Slang for reprimand].

So – I went up to the ship’s bridge to see the fun.

The furious Captain was shouting at the XO.

“What the hell is happening…? What is this bloody “Cigarette Band” ( सिगरेट बंद ) nonsense…?” the Captain asked the XO.

“Sir – “Cigarette Band” ( सिगरेट बंद ) is the Hindi translation for “Out Pipe”. The Quartermaster was piping “Out Pipe” after “Stand Easy”…” the XO said.

[Normally – “Stand Easy” time is from 10:30 AM to 10:45 AM in the morning and for 10 minutes in the afternoon from 3 PM to 3:10 PM.  After “Stand Easy” time is over – there is a Boatswain’s Call – “Out Pipe” – asking the sailors to get back to work after their “Tea and Smoke” break. The word “Pipe” in “Out Pipe” refers to Tobacco “Pipe”. In earlier days – most sailors smoked “Pipes” – Tobacco Pipes. It was thought that the nicotine in tobacco smoke boosted your mental clarity, gave you more energy and soothed your fatigue – so – sailors would be rejuvenated after “Stand Easy” break. On hearing the “Out Pipe” – sailors would extinguish their smoking tobacco pipes – and get back to work.  “Out Pipe” is also sounded after Breakfast, Lunch Break, or whenever men are required to come up from their messes to muster for work].

“Sir – “Cigarette Band” ( सिगरेट बंद ) is the Hindi translation for “Out Pipe”. The Quartermaster was piping “Out Pipe” after “Stand Easy” time was over…” the XO explained to the Captain.

“But why the hell are we making such ridiculous “pipes” in Hindi on this ship…?” the Captain bellowed.

“Sir – there is a recent letter from Naval Headquarters (NHQ) to encourage use of Hindi in the Navy – and – they have forwarded a list of Hindi Equivalent Words for Navy Terminology…” the XO said, “and the Hindi experts in the Navy had translated “Out Pipe” as “Cigarette Band” ( सिगरेट बंद ).

(Literally translated – “Cigarette Band” means “Cigarette Shut/Close/Stop”)

“Pipes are not Cigarettes…” the Captain opined, “the correct Hindi name for “Pipe” is “Chillum” ( चिल्लम ) – or – “Hookah” ( हुक्का ). So – “Out Pipe” should be translated as “Chillum Band” ( चिल्लम बंद ) – or – “Hookah Band” ( हुक्का बंद ) – isn’t it…?”

“Yes, Sir…” the XO said.

“Send a letter to Naval Headquarters (NHQ) accordingly…” the Captain said.

“Aye Aye, Sir…” the XO said. 

(“Aye Aye” means “I understand and I will comply”)

“And one more thing – “Number One”…” the Captain said.

(Colloquially – on a ship – the Captain addresses his XO as “Number One” – with reference to the term “First Lieutenant” – as the Executive Officer was colloquially called in earlier Royal Navy Days). 

“Yes, Sir…?” the XO said.

“Stop these Hindi announcements. I don’t want sailors to get confused. Many sailors don’t understand Hindi that well. Tomorrow – they may ask me to give “Conning Orders” in Hindi – and there will be chaos. Remember – the Navy sails in international waters – so – in the Navy – we work in English. So – no more Hindi announcements on this ship…” the Captain said.

“Sir – the NHQ letter…” the XO stammered.

The Captain interrupted him and said sternly: “Till I am in Command of this ship – all “pipes” and “announcements” will be in English. Do you understand…?”

“Aye Aye, Sir…” the XO said.

So – “Cigarette Band” ( सिगरेट बंद ) was “Band” ( बंद ). 

And – we were back to the proper traditional announcement – “Out Pipe”. 

PART 2 – “NAVY CUT”

Nowadays – smoking may be frowned upon.

But – some years ago – till the 1970’s at least – smoking was considered cultured, stylish and urbane – a “social grace” – a sign of sophistication and refinement.

I started smoking in the 1970’s – after I joined the Navy – though – I did smoke a rare cigarette during my college days in the company of my friends – many of whom were smokers.

In the Navy – smoking was a part of everyday life and social culture.

Cigarettes were smoked in offices and all social occasions – and – with the permission of the senior officer – you could smoke during conferences and meetings – in fact – a tin of cigarettes would be kept on the conference tables with a lighter – and ashtrays were ubiquitous.

During our training days – we could smoke in classrooms – with the permission of the instructor – who would be a smoker in most cases.

Of course – cigarettes were very much a part of “Stand Easy” breaks.

On ships – we got the best of Imported and Indian Cigarettes at “Duty Free” Rates – and – this was a big incentive to smoke.

(Also - we got the best of Scotch and Foreign Liquor/Beer at “Duty Free” Rates – so – we were “motivated” to enjoy drinking as well).

After enjoying smoking the best of cigarettes – one day – I saw an old “Sea Dog” smoking a pipe in our ship’s wardroom.

I felt that pipe smoking was more genteel and dignified than smoking cigarettes – so – I decided to try “pipe smoking”.

I went to a reputed Tobacconist in Fort, Mumbai – and – I bought a pipe – a complete pipe cleaning kit – and – a leather pipe pouch – for my pipe and the cleaning kit comprising stainless steel scraper, reamer, cleaner for the tobacco bowl, chenille stems (straws to insert and clean the pipe stem) – and – to carry a tin/pouch of pipe tobacco.

In the evening – I sat in the wardroom – puffing away – with my new pipe between my lips.

The old “Sea Dog” walked into the wardroom – with his pipe firmly held between his lips.

The moment he saw me – he walked towards me – and – he sat down beside me.

Then – he educated me on all aspects of pipe smoking.

A few days later – he presented me with a Briar Pipe.

I enjoyed smoking a pipe – it gave me a unique pleasure – and – a sense of calmness and tranquility.

Relaxing after dinner – sipping Cognac – smoking my pipe – it was most pleasurable.

(While I found Blended Scotch Whisky with Soda quite effective in lieu of an “aperitif” – I loved a nightcap of Cognac or Drambuie Liqueur as a digestif – especially after a hearty Navy Style dinner).

I enjoyed smoking pipe during the day too.

It kept me calm and reduced my stress – and – probably made me a bit thoughtful.

I realized the virtues of pipe smoking.

In the words of Albert Einstein:

“I believe that pipe smoking contributes to a somewhat calm and objective judgement in all human affairs.”

William Makepeace Thackeray opined:

“The pipe draws wisdom from the lips of the philosopher, and shuts up the mouth of the foolish; it generates a style of conversation, contemplative, thoughtful, benevolent, and unaffected.”

Yes – pipe smoking certainly makes one contemplative.

However – when you smoke a pipe – for full effect of nicotine – you must inhale tobacco smoke.

The nicotine in pipe tobacco will boost your mental clarity, provide you more energy, and even soothe your fatigue, anxiety or nervousness – that is why pipe smoke must be deeply inhaled for maximum “benefit”.

I enjoyed pipe smoking for a few years – though I smoked cigarettes once in a while – when I found it inconvenient to carry my pipe.

I started off with the iconic “Three Nuns” Pipe Tobacco – and later – when appointed ashore – I experimented with various “Navy Cut” and “Flake” brands – and some “Blends” from Tobacconists – till I devised my own blend – which was deep, smooth and aromatic.

My pipe smoking days tapered off after marriage.

My “Better Half” didn’t like the omnipresent tobacco aroma and she also detested cleaning my pipes every alternate day (which involved immersing the pipe bowls overnight in rum and scraping them) – a task I had “delegated” to her.

She would radiate “negative vibes” towards me whenever I sat down with my pipe in my lips to enjoy a smoke – and these “venomous vibes” would diminish the blissful enjoyment of my pipe smoking.

So – I reduced my pipe smoking – and soon – I was back to smoking cigarettes – though – I did smoke my pipe on rare occasions.

Later – in the year 2002 – I quit smoking permanently – so – only nostalgic smoking memories remain.

By the way – if you are a smoker – or – if you have been a smoker – you may have come across the term “Navy Cut”.

In fact – “Navy Cut” cigarettes are quite popular.

Do you know what “Navy Cut” means…?

The term “Navy Cut” has its genesis from the habit of Navy Sailors who took a mixture of tobacco leaves, twisted them into a roll and tied it tightly with string or twine to bind the tobacco leaves - and then moistened the tobacco leaves in rum to mature, meld and blend – and “pressed” and stored the tobacco roll to mature.

Whenever the sailor wanted to have a smoke – he would “cut” off a slice from the tobacco roll and put it into his pipe.

This slice of tobacco was known as a “twist” or a “cut”.

In due course – with the advent of crafting of pipe and cigarette tobacco – all “twisted” and “pressed” tobacco became known as “Navy Cut” because of its popularity with Navy Sailors who liked its compactness, flavour and long-lasting slow-burning qualities.

Whereas Navy “Cut” Tobacco was cut from twisted, pressed and melded Tobacco – “Flake” Tobacco was the Traditional “Cut” of Pipe Tobacco – sliced from large pressed cubes (bricks) of tobacco.

“Flake” tobacco is supposed to have a rather “tobaccoish” taste as compared to the more flavoursome “Navy Cut”.

I am sure you must have come across “Navy Cut” and “Flake” cigarettes.

PART 3 – EPILOGUE

Dear Reader – the aim of this blog post is just to highlight the connection between Tobacco and the Navy – and not to eulogize smoking.

In fact – if you smoke – I will advise you to quit smoking – like I did almost 18 years ago in the year 2002.

Here is the story of How I Quit Smoking  

In conclusion – I will say – the Navy has a connection with many things – especially three “Sins” – Tattoo, Rum and Tobacco – which were spread around the world by Sailors.

Do you have a Tattoo…?

Do you drink Rum…?  

Do you Smoke…?

If so – “blame” the Navy…!!!  LOL

VIKRAM KARVE 

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved) 

Part 1 of this Blog Post posted in my blog at url: https://karvediat.blogspot.com/2019/11/out-pipe-part-1-story-from-my-navy-days.html

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Black Tot Day

Today (31 July) is Black Tot Day. 

On this day 49 years ago – on 31 July 1970 – the last Rum Rations were served to sailors – so this day was observed as “Black Tot Day” 

On 31 July 1970 – the Royal Navy Stopped the Daily Tot of Rum for all serving Naval Personnel. 

This Naval Tradition had been around since 1667. 

It was a sad day for sailors. 

On December 17, 1969 the Admiralty Board issued a written answer to a question from the MP for Woolwich East, Christopher Mayhew saying: 

"The Admiralty Board concludes that the rum issue is no longer compatible with the high standards of efficiency required now that the individual's tasks in ships are concerned with complex, and often delicate, machinery and systems on the correct functioning of which people's lives may depend". 

This led to a debate in the House of Commons on the evening of January 28, 1970, now referred to as the 'Great Rum Debate', started by James Wellbeloved, MP for Erith and Crayford, who believed that the rum ration should not be removed. 

The debate lasted an hour and 15 minutes and closed at 10:29 PM with a decision that the rum ration was no longer appropriate.

July 31, 1970 was the final day of the rum ration and it was poured as usual at 6 bells in the forenoon watch (11 AM) after the pipe of 'up spirits'. 

Some sailors wore black armbands, tots were 'buried at sea' and in one Navy Stone Frigate (Shore Based Training Establishment), HMS Collingwood, the Royal Naval Electrical College at Fareham in Hampshire there was a mock funeral procession complete with black coffin and accompanying drummers and piper. 

The move was not popular with the ratings despite an extra can of beer being added to the daily rations in compensation. 

Dear Reader: 

If you want to know more about the genesis and history of Rum Rations in the Navy, please read my article on Rum Rations in the Navy at url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2019/05/16/rum-grog-a-sailors-drink/ 


Wish you a sober Black Tot Day.

Humor in Uniform – Scuttlebutt

Humor in Uniform 

Disclaimer: 

This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

SCUTTLEBUTT

A Fictional Spoof  

By

VIKRAM KARVE

The TASO sidled up drunkenly towards me and said to me: “I’ll tell you something – but – you must keep it to yourself…”

[The “TAS Officer” aka TASO (Torpedo Anti-Submarine Officer) – he was the senior-most “in-living” officer.

With our penchant for changing names – and – in consonance with the increasing “Americanization” of our Naval Culture – TASO was later re-designated as ASWO (Anti-Submarine Warfare Officer)…]

Dear Reader – this story happened 42 years ago – in the 1970’s – when I was serving on a frontline warship of the western fleet.

After a long sailing exercise – we had returned to our base port Mumbai (it was called Bombay those days).

It was the first day of the monsoon – and – it was raining heavily.

The TASO had returned from leave from New Delhi (his hometown).

Normally – the “Deluxe” arrived at Bombay Central (Mumbai Central) at 5 PM – but today – due the heavy rains – the train had arrived 5 hours late- and by the time the TASO had reached our ship berthed in the Dockyard – it was past 11 PM.

I called the “Duty Steward” – I told him to open the Wardroom Bar – and I told him to fry some “Luncheon Meat” as “Small Eats” for the hungry TASO.

(Well – things may be different today – people may be sticky about bar and meal timings – but those days – we treated our ship’s wardroom as our home – and – things were quite informal and comfortable – especially for officers)

The TASO had a bath and arrived in the Wardroom.

I smiled at the TASO.

He smiled back.

The TASO was a good guy – and – despite the fact that he was 5 years senior to me in the rank of Lieutenant – we were good friends.

(Those days – in the 1970’s – after being commissioned as an Officer in the Navy – it took you 3 years to become a Lieutenant – and then – you remained a Lieutenant for 8 long years – before being promoted to the rank of Lieutenant Commander – after a total of 11 years of commissioned service.

Today – you see “greenhorns” – who haven’t yet fully grown their whiskers – strutting around wearing “two and a half stripes” of a Lieutenant Commander – after just 6 years of commissioned service – thanks to the benevolent Ajai Vikram Singh Cadre Review Report aka AVS 2006 – which has reduced the value of senior ranks to subaltern status…)

The Duty Steward placed the plate of Luncheon Meat in front of us.

The Steward asked the TASO: “Sir – would you like a drink…?”

“Take out a bottle of whisky – fill up the ice box – keep a jug of water – and give me the keys to the fridge – in case we want soda or something else…” the TASO said to the Steward.

“Aye Aye, Sir…” the Steward said, “should I tell the cook to make some dinner for you…?”

“No. This Luncheon Meat should be enough. You can secure…” the TASO said to the Steward.

“Thank you, Sir…” the Steward said – he kept everything on the table as instructed – gave us the keys to the fridge – and went away.

We – the TASO and I – we started drinking.

“Sir – did you visit DOP…?” I asked the TASO.

“Of course I visited DOP – that’s the advantage if your home station in Delhi – you can make your “pilgrimage” to DOP at least once a year – maybe twice – when you go on leave…” the TASO said.

(DOP is “Director of Personnel” at Naval Headquarters – who looks after appointments and transfers)

“Sir – any news…?” I asked the TASO.

“I’ll tell you something – but – you must keep it to yourself…” the TASO said.

“Of course, Sir…” I said.

“Our “Old Man” is going on transfer…”

“What…? Our Captain is going on transfer…? So suddenly…?”

“Yes – most unexpected – his normal tenure was for another 6 months at least – but they are pulling him out urgently for a diplomatic assignment…”

“Diplomatic Assignment…? Our Captain is going as NA…?”

“Yes – Naval Attaché – to one of the best countries – a most prestigious appointment.”

“We didn’t know anything about this…”

“No one knew. It happened quite suddenly – just last week. The guy who was supposed to go – he had a severe car accident and is hospitalized with his legs and bones all broken – he will take a long time to be medically fit – so – our boss was chosen…”

“Does our “Old Man” know…? He didn’t say anything…”

“I am sure he knows – but he must be keeping it to himself till everything comes in black and white…”

“Are you sure, Sir…? I asked the TASO.

“Of course I am sure…” the TASO said, “the DOP told me all this in strict confidence. You know how close I am to the DOP, don’t you…?”

“Yes, Sir – you told me that he is your uncle…”

“He is not my uncle – his wife is related to me – she is my cousin sister…”

“Oh…” I said, “Sir – any idea who is the new Captain…?”

“That’s the bad news…”

“Bad news…?”

The TASO looked at me – and he said with a wicked smile: “Brace yourself – our new Captain is going to be “Bum Bandit”…”

“Shit…! “Bum Bandit”…? Are you sure, Sir…?” I asked the TASO.

“100% sure – the DOP told me himself…”

“I thought “Bum Bandit” was “dry listed”…”

“He pulled some high-level strings and got himself “wet listed”…”

“But why our ship…?”

“The first vacancy – our bad luck…”

“So – it’s bad days ahead…”

“Yes – this “Bum Bandit” bugger has a terrible reputation – he is a bloody sadist – he screws the hell out of everyone – literally and figuratively. And just imagine – the bugger is a confirmed bachelor – so – he will be staying on board even in harbour – so our life will be hell 24/7…”

“Hopefully – he will get his own “fags” and “peg boys”…”

“He wanted to – but DOP refused – no crew change…”

“Then – we better steer clear and cover our backsides…”

“Don’t worry – there are plenty of “Sea Dolls” on board for “Bum Bandit” to target…”

“Anyway – we are in for a tough time. We will really miss our “Old Man” – he was a good Captain who ran a happy ship…” 

“He will be leaving next week – the official letter may be issued tomorrow…?

“That’s sad…” I said.

“Let’s kill the bottle and go to sleep…” the TASO said.

So – we polished off the remains of the whisky and hit our bunks.

NEXT MORNING

We were enjoying a hearty Navy style “English” breakfast of porridge, bacon and eggs, sausages, ham, salami etc – when the Captain’s “Doggy” entered the wardroom – he looked at the TASO and said: “Sir – Captain’s Compliments…”

“Now…?” the TASO asked the Captain’s “Doggy”.

“After “Both Watches”, Sir…” the Captain’s “Doggy” said – then he looked at me and said: “You too, Sir…”

30 minutes later – we knocked on the Captain’s Cabin.

“Come in…” the Captain shouted from inside.

We entered – and saluted the Captain.

The Captain shouted at us: “What’s this bloody bilge you are spreading around…?”

We remained silent.

The Captain looked at the TASO and said: “Well – I would love to go on a diplomatic assignment – but – I am going nowhere – I am here to stay as your Captain – whether you like it or not…”

“Sir – we wanted to expose your “spy” in the wardroom…” the TASO said.

“What…? “Spy” in the Wardroom…?” the Captain said.

“Yes, Sir – you seem to know everything that goes on in the wardroom – so we knew you that had a “spy” who was ratting on us…” I said.

“And you have found out who my “spy” is…?” the Captain said.

“Yes, Sir – “Cute Boy” – he was the only other person in the wardroom last night – sitting quietly in the corner watching the late night movie on TV…” the TASO said.

“He was the bloody OOD – it is his job to report things to me…”

“Sir – is he supposed to eavesdrop and come squealing to you…?”

“Shut up…” the Captain said, “Anyway – you buggers leave him alone – he was terrified when he heard the name of the new “Captain” who was going to replace me…”

“Terrified…?”

“You know what happened to him when he was a “Snotty” – don’t you…?”

“No, Sir…”

“I’ll tell you sometime…” the Captain said, “I had half a mind to “log” you buggers – but I’ll let it go this time. Now – stop your bloody antics and get on with your jobs…”

“Aye Aye, Captain…” we said.

Then – we saluted and beat a hasty retreat. 

VIKRAM KARVE

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1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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