Humor in Uniform - THERE IS NO FREE DRINK

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

THERE IS NO FREE DRINK

Hilarious Memories of My Delightful Navy Days

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

When I was in the Navy – I would say: “There is no free drink.”

A drink costs money – so if you have a drink – it has to be paid for.

So – if you are an honest officer – you pay for it.

But – if you are a freeloader – you make someone else pay for it.

A few years ago – a coursemate was promoted to Flag Rank – Rear Admiral – and he jokingly remarked that now he had joined the “Freeloaders Club”. 

The words he actually used were: “So – at last – now I have become a “Freedom Fighter” – and – now – everything is free for me.”

As I said – my friend was joking – he was an honest officer who paid his bills and was certainly not a freeloader – but I have seen some others – who – the moment they get promoted to high rank – believe that freeloading is their fundamental right.

Apart from “Freedom Fighter” Freeloaders in Uniform – who freeload misusing their rank – there is another type of freeloader in uniform called the “Maukatarian” Freeloader who is an opportunistic freeloader who improvises his freeloading tactics as per the occasion.

Let me delve into my Humor in Uniform Archives and pull out this hilarious yarn about a “Maukatarian” Freeloader.

Have a laugh – and think about it...

THE “MAUKATARIAN” FREELOADER – a spoof by Vikram Karve

The Navy was the best thing that happened to me. 

Way back, in the 1970’s, when I joined the Navy, life was good. 

There was never a dull moment. 

Something was always happening, and I came across a variety of unique personalities.

Yes, I enjoyed some exciting situations and encountered some inimitable characters.

Those were the best days of my life. 

Even now, whenever I reminisce about my “good old” Navy days and recall the unforgettable characters I met there and whenever I hark back to the hilarious incidents (in hindsight), those cherished memories always fill me with cheer, and sometimes bring a smile, maybe a laugh, to my lips. 

They say every Naval Officer has a book inside him (or her). 

I am writing mine. 

In fact, I have decided to write two books – a fiction novel based on my early life in the Navy way back in the 1970’s and a “memoir” comprising non-chronological vignettes from my naval life.

I will tell you more about all that later. 

Now, let me regale you with one such hilarious vignette featuring an unforgettable character. 

Let’s call him “F”

Why “F” ?

Well, it will be quite evident as you read on.

Here is the timeline of changing Navy Wardroom/Officers Mess Traditions.

PARTY SHARE – STRIPE BASIS (Seniors Subsidize Juniors)

There was a time when senior naval officers were large-hearted and magnanimous. 

The senior always stood a drink for the junior, and whenever we had a party in the wardroom (officers’ mess), the party share was on stripe basis. 

You counted the total number of stripes on the shoulders of officers present and simply divided the overall damages for food and drinks by the total number of stripes and calculated the stripe share. 

You paid depending on the stripes you wore on your sleeves or shoulder. 

A Commander (who wore three stripes on his shoulder) paid three times the party share as compared to a Sub Lieutenant (who wore a single stripe). 

In effect, the seniors subsidized the bill of the juniors.

PARTY SHARE – ON THE HOUSE (Equal Party Share for All)

As traditions and attitudes began to change, and officers started becoming money conscious, the stripe share concept gave way to the “on the house” concept in which the party share was distributed equally among all those officers who attended the party and all members of the “house” paid the same amount irrespective of how much food and drink they consumed.

Of course, when things were “on the house”, those who drank and ate less subsidized those who topped-up to the hilt and gorged to their hearts’ content.

With the passage of time, as people became more and more money-orientated, and materialism became a way of life, this affected Naval Officers too, and many officers started counting their drinks (and worse, they counted others’ drinks too…!!!). 

PARTY SHARE – CHIT SYSTEM (You Pay for what you consume)

Now we had a “chit system” and the party share was based on the principle of soldier’s share, or Going Dutch, in which you signed chits and you paid for whatever you consumed. 

In this “signing chits” scheme of things, no one subsidized anybody, and it was each for his own, irrespective of rank and seniority.

PARTY SHARE – SENIORS FREELOAD and JUNIORS FOOT THEIR BILL (Juniors subsidize Seniors) 

Soon, wardroom traditions were turned upside down.

Money-consciousness gave way to stinginess and sort of “feudal” culture owing to selective interpretation of the RHIP concept which resulted in the proliferation of freeloaders in the senior ranks. 

This resulted in a preposterous situation wherein now it was the “magnanimous” juniors who were subsidizing their stingy yet greedy freeloading seniors. 

You know what RHIP stands for, don’t you?

Well, RHIP is the acronym for RANK HAS ITS PRIVILEGES  (Rank Has Its Privileges)

Unfortunately, some unscrupulous and corrupt senior officers thought that RHIP implied that it was their “privilege” to freeload and sponge on their juniors.

Things seem to have turned a full circle. 

Hey, I am digressing, let me get on with my story.

THE “MAUKATARIAN” FREELOADER

This story happened during the days of transition from the “on the house” to “soldier’s share” parties. 

Those days, there was sometimes a bit of confusion – some parties were “on the house” and some parties were on the “chit system”. 

Now our protagonist “F” was a true maukatarian – and he had decided his “party strategy” accordingly. 

“F” was quite a senior officer - next in seniority to the PMC. 

If it was a “chit system” party – “F” would survive on water, or hang around someone and try to sponge a drink off him, or try to pilfer one of those gratis “ladies” soft drinks when he thought no one was looking.

Or, at the worst, if the party was too long and his freeloading tactics did not work and yield results, “F” would order a small peg of the cheapest Rum with Water (Rum-Pani) and hold it for the entire party. 

And if the party was “on the house” … well read on …

“F” arrived for a grand party one evening and asked me, “Is it chit-system?”

“No, Sir, on-the-house,” I told him, as planned, and I winked at the barman. 

The PMC, who was nearby, gave me a knowing smile of approval.

“Which whisky have you got?” “F” asked the barman.

“Sir, we are serving Black Knight and Red Knight,” the barman answered. 

The party was ashore and we were serving IMFL (Indian Made Foreign Liquor).

“Only BK and RK ...?” on hearing this, “F” turned his nose up in disdain, and then commanded the bar steward, “Get me Peter Scot.”

The barman looked at me for a decision (Peter Scot was the most expensive IMFL whisky in the bar those days).

“Okay,” I said to the barman, “Sahab ko Peter Scot pilao…”

Delighted that he was getting the most expensive Peter Scot whiskey “on-the-house”, the freeloader “F” decided to make the most of it.

He knew that irrespective of the amount of the expensive Peter Scot whiskey he consumed, his bill would be the same as others who consumed much less, and that too a cheaper whiskey, rum or soft drinks.

So “F” drank peg after peg of whisky, and at the end of the party, he got so drunk that he had to be carried to his house in drunken stupor. 

“F” had grandly “enjoyed” and made the most of the “on the house” cocktail party.

A month later “F” entered my office furiously waving his wardroom mess bill in his hand and angrily demanding how he had been charged for 11 large pegs of Peter Scot.

I was expecting this, so I got up and said, “Sir, let’s go to the PMC.”

“Any problem?” the PMC asked looking up from his desk, the moment we entered his cabin.

“Sir, I have been charged for 11 large pegs of Peter Scot for that cocktail party,” complained “F”.

“So?” the PMC said, “you drank 11 large pegs of Peter Scot, didn’t you?”

“Sir, I don’t remember.”

“But I do – you were in such glorious high spirits that you had to be carried away at the end of the party.”

“But Sir, the party was on-the-house.”

“Who told you?”

“The Mess Secretary told me that the party was on-the-house,” shouted “F” , pointing an accusing finger at me.

“Well, the mess secretary is quite a clueless chap. All parties here are on the chit-system. You should have signed your chits before ordering your drinks and you should have checked the bar-book next morning if you had any doubts. No disputes now. That’s the Mess Rule,” the PMC pronounced, and he dismissed “F” with a wave of his finger, and the PMC looked at me with a glint in his eyes.

That’s how we taught this maukatarian freeloader a lesson. 

Well, we taught this freeloader another lesson too – the “boneless” chicken story – but that’s another story which I will tell you soon, right here in my blog.

I enjoy writing and I have now started writing my two books. 

The first is autobiographical fiction, a novel with an engrossing story and characters you will love, and second, my “memoir”, a collection of vignettes from my life in the Navy, something like Tales of the South Pacific.  

I am putting my heart into writing these two books and in order to make them gripping and “unputdownable”. 

I am going to write leisurely, unhurriedly, savoring every moment and I am going to enjoy the writing process as I relive my navy days in my mind’s eye. 

But I’ll take a break from time to time, and, right here in my Creative Writing Blog, I will regale you with some more humour in uniform, and tell you a few more naval yarns, like this one.

Till my next Naval Yarn – Cheers – have a drink – don’t worry – the drink is “on the house” – or should I say “Soldier’s Share”...

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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This story was written by me 12 years ago (in 2003) and first posted online in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal blog on 27 April 2011 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2011/04/on-house.html