The
“DEPENDENT” Old Man
A Fictional Spoof
By
VIKRAM
KARVE
“I am not ‘dependent’ on anyone. Do you understand…?” I saw Mr. K shouting at the Canteen Manager.
“Please, Sir…” the Canteen Manager pleaded,
trying to console him.
I decided to intervene.
I walked across – and – I asked Mr. K: “Sir – what is the matter…? Can
I help you…?”
“This man is saying that I am ‘dependent’ on my son. I am a retired
Forest Officer. Even though I am retired – I earn more than my son – I have
invested well – and I earn enough to live in top style – even my bloody pension
must be more than my son’s salary…” Mr.
K said angrily
“I understand, Sir…” I said, trying to calm
him down.
“Do you know – I have a bungalow in the prime
locality of Pune – in fact – my son took money from me when he wanted to book a
measly flat in that AFNHB housing scheme in the ‘back of beyond’ – and – I gave
him money to buy a car too – so – it is my son who is ‘dependent’ on me – and –
this man says that I am ‘dependent’ on my son…” said Mr. K – still looking very upset.
Dear Reader – let me digress a bit – and –
tell you what had happened.
Mr. K was the father of my “next door neighbor” Lieutenant Commander K (a Naval Officer
posted on a “Hydro” Survey Ship).
Lieutenant
Commander K had gone on a long sailing.
Lieutenant
Commander K’s wife (Mrs.
K “Junior”) worked as a Manager in a Bank in Vizag City – and she had long
working hours.
So Lieutenant
Commander K had requested his parents
to come over to Vizag for “Nanny Duties” to look after Lieutenant Commander K’s small children.
Lieutenant
Commander K had two small children who were looked after
full-time by the grandmother (Lieutenant
Commander K’s mother – Mrs. K “Senior”).
In India – a ‘Career Woman’ requires someone
to look after her children.
Earlier – Mrs. K “Junior” had called her own mother to “hold the fort” – during
both her pregnancies and for subsequent “Nanny Duties” – but – now – her NRI
sister had called her mother for “Nanny Duties” – so her mother had gone
overseas to the US for “Nanny Duties” and she was going to stay there for at
least 6 months.
Hence – Mrs.
K “Junior” had requested her husband Lieutenant
Commander K to summon his mother Mrs.
K “Senior” for “Nanny Duties”.
As is generally the case – Mrs. K “Junior” hated her mother-in-law Mrs. K “Senior” – but – she had no
choice but to tolerate her for the sake of her children – and – more
importantly – for the sake of her own career.
At first – Mrs. K “Senior” had come alone – but – 15 days later – her husband
– Mr. K arrived in Vizag from Pune.
Mr. K felt lonely without his wife Mrs. K “Senior” – so he too had come over to Vizag to be with his
wife.
In fact – Mr. K wanted to take his wife
Mrs. K “Senior” back to Pune – but – their son Lieutenant Commander K and daughter-in-law Mrs. K “Junior” pleaded with them to stay for “Nanny Duties” till Lieutenant Commander K returned from
sailing – after which he would try and make some arrangements.
The mother’s heart melted – and – Mrs. K “Senior” agreed to stay – so –
much against his will – Mr. K was
stuck in Vizag for at least 3 months.
One morning – Mr. K walked across to the INCS Canteen to buy some groceries.
(INCS stands for “Indian Naval Canteen
Service” which is akin to the Army CSD “Canteen Stores Department”)
After buying groceries – Mr. K looked at the impressive display outside the “Liquor Section” of INCS.
Mr. K saw a bottle of his favourite whisky in the display – so
he walked into the Liquor Section to buy a few bottles of his favourite whisky.
There – Mr.
K was in for a rude shock.
“Sir – we don’t issue liquor to
‘dependents’…” the salesman at the Liquor Counter said.
“I am the Officer’s father…” Mr. K said.
“Sir – the Officer has to come in person to
collect liquor – we don’t issue liquor to ‘dependents’…” the INCS Salesman
said.
“Why
are you calling me “dependent”…? I told you that I am the Officer’s father.
That man over there in that section didn’t have any problem giving me items on
this card…” Mr. K said, pointing at
the INCS Card which he had kept on the counter.
“Sir – that is the groceries section –
‘dependents’ can take groceries – but liquor is issued only to officers…”
“Why are you calling me “dependent” again and
again…” Mr. K shouted angrily.
On hearing the commotion – the Canteen
Manager reached the spot – and – he tried to explain to Mr. K that liquor could not be issued to ‘dependents’.
On hearing the word ‘dependent’ being uttered
again – Mr. K flared up and he shouted
at the Canteen Manager: “I am not “dependent” on anyone. Do you
understand…?”
“Please, Sir…” the Canteen Manager pleaded,
trying to console him.
I decided to intervene.
I walked across – and – I asked Mr. K: “Sir – what is the matter…? Can
I help you…?”
“This man is saying that I am ‘dependent’ on
my son. I am a retired Forest Officer. Even though I am retired – I earn more
than my son – I have invested well – and I earn enough to live in style – even
my bloody pension must be more than my son’s salary…” Mr. K said angrily
“I understand, Sir…” I said, trying to calm
him down.
“Do you know – I have a bungalow in the prime
locality of Pune – in fact – my son took money from me when he wanted to book a
measly flat in that AFNHB housing scheme in the back of beyond – and – I gave
him money to buy a car too – so – it is my son who is ‘dependent’ on me – and –
this man says that I am ‘dependent’ on my son…” said Mr. K – still looking very upset.
“Please, Sir – I will get you what you want…”
I said.
“I don’t want anything…” Mr. K said, “This bloody place is so far from town – that is why I
came here – but – I will never come here again – I will take a taxi – I will go
to Vizag City – and – I will buy whatever I want – including the best of whisky
– I can afford it – I need not come here to get insulted…”
“Sir, we did not insult you…” the INCS
Salesman said.
“Why did you call me ‘dependent’…? I told you
that I am not ‘dependent’ on anyone – but you keep calling me ‘dependent’. I am
a ‘self-made’ man – I have ‘self-respect’ – I am not ‘dependent’ on my son…” Mr. K said.
“Sir – we know you are not ‘dependent’ on
anyone – but – it is just Navy Terminology to call parents as “dependents”…” I
said.
“Yes, Sir – in the Navy – it is the general
practice to call parents as ‘dependents’ – we did not mean to insult you – we
have high respect for you, Sir…” the Canteen Manager said, trying to pacify Mr. K
Mr. K seemed to have calmed down a bit.
So – I asked Mr. K: “Sir – which whisky do you want…?”
Mr. K pointed at a bottle kept in the showcase.
I nodded to the Canteen Manager – and – he
issued a bottle of whisky on my liquor card – and gave it to me.
I dropped Mr. K home on my scooter.
At first – Mr. K refused to take the bottle of whisky – then – he insisted on giving me money – but – I told him that
this bottle was with ‘compliments’ from me – and – he could give me a treat me
later.
In the evening – I saw Mr. K standing outside – so I called out to him: “Sir – would you
like to come for a walk…?”
Mr. K readily accepted my invitation – and – so – Mr. K joined us for our customary
evening walk to the beach below Dolphin’s Nose.
As usual – after our evening walk – we headed
to the Navy Club for a drink.
Mr. K readily accepted our offer of a drink.
Then – he accepted an offer of a cigarette
too – and soon we were drinking and smoking and talking.
After some time – stimulated by the alcohol
in his system – Mr. K started
talking uninhibitedly – and he told us: “I used to be a forest officer – I was
a ‘King’ in my jungle – I love my drinks and food – and just see how my
children turned out to be – it’s pathetic – I put both my sons in the defence
services – and both turned out to be non-drinkers and non-smokers – it is a
bloody disgrace – and this younger son in the navy – he is a bloody ‘sissy’ –
he is so bloody henpecked – he does not even keep booze in his house – you gave
me a bottle of whisky today – and my daughter-in-law made a big ‘hungama’ when she saw the bottle in the evening – and
– my daughter-in-law has told my wife that she doesn’t allow alcohol in the
house – so – I shouldn’t drink at home…”
“Sir – you are always welcome to join us in
the evenings…” I said to Mr. K.
“I am really enjoying drinking with you all…”
Mr. K said.
We drank – we smoked – we nibbled the small
eats – and we talked.
The old man was a natural raconteur – and he
regaled us with yarns of his forest officer days – his adventures in the
jungles – the shikar (hunting) and barbeque parties they had.
When you are enjoying yourself – time passes
quickly – and suddenly – the steward came and asked us for our permission to
close the bar – it was 10 PM.
We ordered the last round of drinks.
I noticed that Mr. K was in high spirits.
“Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Rum...” Mr. K sang merrily, “that’s what you
Navy boys say – isn’t it…?”
Mr. K swayed happily – as he walked home unsteadily.
It felt good to see the Mr. K in such high spirits – and I felt pleased – at doing my bit
to make the old man happy – especially after the morning’s episode in the INCS
canteen.
I escorted Mr. K to the door of his son’s (Lieutenant
Commander K’s) house – and – I rang the doorbell.
Mr. K was swaying from the side to side – and – I had to hold
his hand to steady him – Mr. K seemed
to be in the highest of spirits.
His wife Mrs.
K “Senior” opened the door.
As he entered his house – Mr. K was singing on top of his voice:
“Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Rum – Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Rum...”
I could see his daughter-in-law Mrs. K “Junior” standing in the drawing
room – looking aghast on seeing her father-in-law Mr. K in this “happy” state.
For the next few days – we followed the same
routine – Mr. K would be waiting for
me in the evening – and – we would go for our evening walk – followed by a
drinking session in the Navy Club.
After a few drinks – Mr. K got into full form – and we enjoyed his tall stories of his
adventurous life as a Forest Officer.
Mr. K told us about the bungalow he had built back home – and
invited all of us to visit him there – and he promised us plenty of booze and
delicious barbeque of various meats.
“Hey – let’s have tomorrow evening’s session
on my ship,” a friend who was commanding a ship said, “I will tell the cook to
prepare some good chicken and mutton dishes – and some fish and prawns for
small eats...”
“Sir – I hope you like fish…” the officer
asked Mr. K.
“Of course, I love fish – I like anything
non-veg – chicken, mutton, fish – as they say – I eat anything that moves…” Mr. K said, “in fact – I am dying to
have some good non-veg food – my daughter-in-law is a pure vegetarian – and –
she doesn’t even allow my wife to cook non-veg in the house…”
That evening – we had a truly wonderful
evening on the ship – drinking the best of Scotch whisky and relishing the best
of food.
As I watched Mr. K swaying happily on his way home – I realized that he was in
even higher spirits than the previous evenings.
As usual – when he entered his house – Mr. K was singing on top of his voice:
“Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Rum – Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Rum...”
On the next day – when I came home in the
afternoon for my lunch break – my wife said: “Why do you do these things...? Mrs. K was here this morning on her way
to work. She is very angry with you…”
“Which Mrs.
K – “Senior” or “Junior”…?” I asked.
“Of course it was Mrs. K “Junior” – your friend
Lieutenant Commander K’s wife…”
“So – what did the snooty bank manager have
to say…?”
“Mrs.
K is angry with you…” my wife said.
“Why…? What have I done to her…?” I asked.
“Mrs.
K told me that you were spoiling her father-in-law…” my wife said.
“I am spoiling her father-in-law...? What
nonsense...? The old man is double my age. How the hell can I spoil him...?” I
said.
My wife looked at me – and she said: “Mrs. K was very rude to me...”
“What did she say…?” I asked.
“She said that you were already a big
drunkard – you were a total “kabaabi” and “sharaabi” – and now –
you were converting her father-in-law into a drunkard. Well – Mrs. K has asked me to tell you not to
call her father-in-law for drinks in the evenings…”
“So – Mrs.
K “Junior” doesn’t want her father-in-law to have a good time – but – tell
me – what about Mr. K’s wife – the “Senior” Mrs. K – what does she have
to say…? After all – Mr. K is her husband…”
“I don’t know – she must be so busy looking
after the children that she hardly comes out of the house. But – please – you
do what you want – but – please don’t take Mr.
K with you…” my wife pleaded.
That evening – I saw Mr. K waiting for me – ready for the evening action – a walk and a
booze session.
I told him what had happened – that his
daughter-in-law had warned my wife that I should not take him – Mr. K – for a drink.
“How dare she do that…?” Mr. K said.
“Sir – let’s go for a walk – your daughter-in-law
hasn’t prohibited that…!” I joked.
On our way back – we passed the fish market
near the beach.
There was plenty of fresh catch.
“I have got an idea…” Mr. K said, “The fish looks good. Let’s buy some fish – and prawns –
my wife is an excellent cook – tonight we will have the drinking session in our
place – I still have that bottle of whisky you gave me…”
“Sir – but your daughter-in-law…? She doesn’t
allow booze and non-veg…?” I asked.
“I am not “dependent” on her…” Mr. K said, “in fact – my daughter-in-law
is “dependent” on me – just imagine – if I take my wife away to Pune with me – it
will be my daughter-in-law who will be left ‘high and dry’…”
VIKRAM KARVE
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Disclaimer:
1. This story is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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