Showing posts with label surrogate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surrogate. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

The Grandmother


THE GRANDMOTHER
A Story
By
VIKRAM KARVE

I recognized her at once.

She was my course-mate’s wife.

It was 7 o’clock in the morning.

She was standing with a little boy who was wearing school uniform.

The school-bus arrived.

She kissed the little boy on the cheek.

The small boy waved her goodbye and got into the school-bus.

The school-bus departed.

She turned around.

And – she saw me.

She recognized me.

She smiled at me – and walked towards me.

“What are you doing here…” she asked me.

I said to her:

“I have been watching you for 5 minutes – but you were so engrossed in the little boy that you didn’t even notice me…”

“He is my grandson…” she said.

“I thought as much…” I said.

“My grandson is the only thing I have got in my life…” she said.

“What about your daughter…?” I asked her.

“She is there – but she is very busy with her work…” she said.

“Oh – so you are doing “nanny duties” in your daughter’s house…?”

“What to do…? She lives all alone – and she has such a busy career – so I have to look after her son…”

“You daughter lives all alone…? What about her husband…?”

“My daughter is divorced…”

“Oh – I am sorry to hear that. What happened…? Why did she get divorced…?”

“Compatibility Issues…!!!”

“If “compatibility issues” was a reason to get divorced – all of us would have got divorced long back – especially you and…” 

I instantly regretted my words.

So – I said to her:

“I am sorry…”

“It’s okay. He passed away so many years ago. I have got over it long ago…” she said.

“Yes. 25 years. He was a dear friend – and – of course – he was my course-mate since our academy days…”

“My daughter was just 12 years old then – now she is 37 – I brought her up on my own…”

“I know – it must have been tough – but full credit must go to you…”

“My daughter has done really well – she topped in her engineering course – and now – she is working for the best Software Company – and she is doing really well in her career…”

“That’s really good…” I said.

“The only bad thing that happened is that her marriage broke up…” my course-mate’s wife said.

“But you are there for her…” I said.

“Yes – I am living with her for the last 9 years – ever since my grandson was born…”

“Oh…”

“My daughter – she got divorced 6 years ago – and since then – she has immersed herself so much in her career – that she has absolutely no time – and I am looking after my grandson – doing everything – as if he was my own son…”

“That’s really great of you…” I said to her.

She looked at me and said:

“I have been talking all about myself. What about you…? What are you doing here in Pune…? And that too in our residential township…” she said.

“Well – I retired from the Navy last year…”

“Settled in Pune…?”

“No. I have gone back to my hometown – we have a huge ancestral home there…”

“Oh. So – visiting someone…?”

“Yes…” I said, “My uncle lives here – in “E” Building. You may know him – Mr. “XXX”…”

“This is such a huge gated community – I don’t even know the people living in my own building. Out here – life is different as compared to Navy Townships – everyone keeps to themselves…” she said, “and I am so busy looking after my grandson – that I really don’t have any time for anyone else…”

“Let’s go and meet your daughter – the last time I saw her she was a small girl…” I said.

“She is not at home…”

“Does she go to work so early…? I thought “IT Firms” open quite late – after 9…”

“My daughter has gone abroad for 3 months – to the US – for a project…”

“Oh…”

“She has to travel a lot for work…”

“And you are there to look after her son…”

“Yes – I told you – my entire life revolves around my grandson…” she said.

I spent a week in Pune.

During that week – I met my course-mate’s wife every day in the morning when I went for my morning walk – and – she invited me home a couple of times for tea and dinner too.

I saw that my course-mate’s wife was devoted to her grandson.

Her entire routine revolved around her grandson – dropping him on the school-bus – picking him up after school – taking him for various tuition and hobby “classes” – monitor him as the young boy played sports or had a swim – his meals – his studies – everything – she did more for her grandson than normal mothers do for their children.

She was constantly with her grandson – not leaving him alone even for a minute.

Once – I said to her:

“You are getting too attached to your grandson. Remember – he is not your son…”

On hearing this – she got angry – and she said to me:

“Don’t say such things – he is more than a son – I love him much more than people love their own children – and he loves me too – even more than his own mother. I told you that my grandson is the only thing I have got in my life. He is the light of my life…”

It was true – her grandson loved her very much – he was indeed the “light” of her life.

10 YEARS LATER

I visited Pune 10 years later to see the same uncle.

But this time – I went to visit him in the “Assisted Living” facility of an “old age home”.

My uncle was suffering from dementia – he had been afflicted with Alzheimer’s disease.

He was in bad shape.

I felt very depressed after meeting him. 

As I was walking towards the main gate of the “old age home” – I saw my course-mate’s wife coming out of the reception office of the “old age home”.

Yes – it was her – my course-mate’s wife – who I had met 10 years ago – the woman who loved her grandson so much.

I smiled at her.

She smiled back.

I said to her:

“So – you’ve come to meet someone here…?”

“I live here…” she said.

“You live in this “old age home”…?” I asked her, surprised.

“Yes…” she said, “you were right. I shouldn’t have got attached to my grandson so much…”

And then – she broke into tears. 

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
 

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Mother of a Single Mother

A Single Mother and Her Mother 
Fiction Short Story 
By
VIKRAM KARVE

“Dramatis Personae”

S: A Single Mother

M: Her Mother (Mother of the Single Mother) 

“S” and “M” are having a conversation after dinner… 

S: How can you stay with such a horrible man…?

M: He is your father. Speak respectfully about him.

S: I know he is my father. But I am surprised how are living with him for 36 years.

M: He is my husband.

S: Yes – a most terrible and cruel husband. I don’t understand why you tolerated his cruelty for all these years…?

M: Cruelty…? What are you saying…? Your father has never been cruel to me.

S: He keeps shouting at you – in fact – he just yelled at you during dinner.

M: That is his nature – but – he doesn’t mean it at all.

S: I have seen him shouting at you in public. I don’t understand how you can tolerate such insults…?

M: I know – sometimes he reacts impulsively – that is a fault of his. But otherwise – he has been a very good husband.

S: Good Husband…? You call such an uncouth man a “good husband”…?

M: He has always been loyal to me.

S: “Loyal”…? What are you trying to imply…?

M: No nothing…

S: Are you talking about my divorce…?

M: No. Let’s not talk about that…

S: My husband tried to treat me like a “doormat” – so – I taught him a lesson. But just look at you...? You have meekly accepted being a “doormat” all your life while your husband walks all over you.

M: He is a good man. He has looked after me well – and you too – he ensured that you got the best possible education.

S: That was his duty…

M: Duty…? He worked hard so that we had everything – house, money, a comfortable life, whatever things we wanted – even now – he takes care of all my needs – he never says “No” whenever I want anything. He was the “breadwinner” – and even now – after he has retired – it is his pension and savings that keep us comfortable…”

S: Oh. So – that is the real reason why you are living with him despite his arrogant behavior – you are “financially dependent” on him…

M: No. It has got nothing to do with that.

S: Of course it has got everything to do with that – I could leave my husband because I am “financially independent”.

M: You made a mistake – you could have adjusted – and also – just because you had a fight with your husband doesn’t mean that you...”

S: I told you that I don’t want to talk about that…

M: Then – what do you want to talk about…?

S: I want you leave that horrible man – and – you come and stay with me…

M: What…? You want me leave your father – and you want me to come and stay with you…? Are you mad…? How can I leave my husband just like that…?

S: You have suffered him for your entire life just because you were “financially dependent” on him. Now – there is no need for you to meekly tolerate his insulting behavior…

M: What do you mean…?

S: You come and live with me in Mumbai. You will be more comfortable over there than in your small stuffy flat over here. I have moved into an even more luxurious house than the one you saw last time when you visited – you will have all the facilities you want over there – I will keep a car and driver at your disposal whenever you want…

M: And what about your father…?

S: He can stay back here…

M: What are you saying…? You want me to live there in Mumbai with you – and – you want him to live all alone over here…?

S: He is quite capable of staying alone…

M: But – why should he stay all alone…?

S: Because I want you to stay with me and have a comfortable life. After suffering all these years of tyranny – living with that oppressive man – you deserve a bit of happiness and freedom…

M: He is your father. Yes – he may be a bit dominating – but – that is between him and me. I don’t like you talking like this…

S: Okay. Okay. I will not talk about that obnoxious man. Let him remain here. I am taking you with me to Mumbai tomorrow – I am going to “liberate” you from slavery…

M: What…? Tomorrow…? How can I come with you to Mumbai leaving your father all alone over here…?

S: Please mummy – no discussion now. We are flying tomorrow to Mumbai – I have already booked your ticket. Now you go inside and start packing your bags. I have to make an important call…

EPILOGUE

The Daughter “S” goes out into the balcony.

She looks at her smartphone.

It is past 9 o’clock at night.

Normally – she wouldn’t think of disturbing her boss at this late hour – but the matter is most important.

She dials the number of her boss.

After a few rings – she hears the voice of her boss.

“Hello…” her boss says.

“Sir – I have decided to accept the assignment – I want the promotion…” she says to her boss.

“Are you sure…? This job requires a lot of travel – you will be out of town for almost 20 days every month…” the boss says.

“I know, Sir…”

“Who is going to look after your small daughter when you are away…?”

“I have made arrangements…”

“Arrangements…? A “Nanny”…?”

“I am bringing my mother to Mumbai to stay with me – she will look after my daughter…”  

Story to be continued in “Mother of a Single Mother” Part 2...

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)
 

This is a repost of my story A Single Mother and Her Mother posted online by me Vikram Karve earlier in my blogs at urls http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/a-single-mother-and-her-mother.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/11/11/single-mother-and-her-mother/ etc 

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Parenting Made Simple – How to Bring up Children

Let me confess that I am least qualified to offer unsolicited advice on Parenting and How to Bring Up Children

Both our children were “parented” by my wife – I was only around for “disciplinary action”. 

Whenever things got out of hand  my wife would report the issue to me for necessary action  and send the children to me – and – I would read them the riot act”  or take even stricter action  if required

We had a “division of labour” as far as parenting was concerned – and – there was no role-ambiguity

My wife looked after the the emotional aspect of parenting – she was the “emotional” parent. 

I managed the administrative aspect of parenting – I was the “administrative” parent.

No wonder our children are close to my wife even today. 

My kids consult me mainly for administrative issues – when they want “advice” – or when they are referred to me by my wife for any issue.

The “love” aspect of parenting was always provided by my wife – and – I was generally around – if required.

This is the case even today.

So – I cannot claim to be a good parent.

However – I proved to be an excellent “pet parent”  I was both “mother” and “father” to my pet dog Sherry – for many years – right from her birth till she passed away to her heavenly abode.

As a Blogger – when I surfed blogs  I noticed that “parenting” and “bringing up children” was a very popular topic – and there were many blogs on parenting.

Recently – during a blogging workshop – I observed that many women had started blogging because they wanted to share their thoughts and experiences on “parenting” and “bringing up children” – and – there were many blogs and websites dedicated to “parenting”.

So – as a Veteran Blogger – I thought – why not share my views on “parenting” – based my observations and experiences. 

Here are my views on Parenting and How to Bring up Children”...

PARENTING STYLES and BRINGING UP CHILDREN
OLD FASHIONED versus NEW AGE PARENTING
Musings of a Veteran
By
VIKRAM KARVE 

OLD STYLE PARENTING

Nowadays – there seems to be a lot of role ambiguity about the roles of themother and the father in parenting and bringing up their children

Here is a tried and tested orthodox parenting style which clearly defines the parenting duties of each parent  the father and the mother  and removes all role ambiguity in the matter of bringing up children. 

OLD FASHIONED THREE STAGE PARENTING THEORY

My late father-in-law was a wonderful man  a cherished mentor to me  and I pray that may his soul rest in peace.

He once told me  I think just after my wedding  a time-tested age-old three-stage parenting theory for bringing up children.

THREE STAGE PARENTING THEORY

STAGE 1 : (0 to 5 Years)  MOTHER IS THE PRINCIPAL PARENT 

From birth  till a child is 5 years old  the mother should pay maximum attention to nurturing the child.

In fact  the baby should be under the full care of its mother.

As far as the baby is concerned – the father should be generally around as a source of amusement and joy. 

The father should play a supporting role  as a father figure. 

He must play with the baby  entertaining the baby  and be a source of happiness, fun and joy for the baby.

Mother Nature has so designed things  that  at these young ages  the baby biologically needs its mother’s physical affection (nurturing, breastfeeding, ablutions etc).

A small baby can do without the father  but cannot do without the mother

However Metrosexual a man may try to become  to the best of my knowledge  a man cannot breastfeed his baby  only a mother can do that.

A small baby needs the mother physically  and  most importantly  the baby needs the mother’s emotional love the most.


STAGE 2 : (5 to 12 Years) – MOTHER AND FATHER EQUALLY SHARED PARENTING

Between 5 to 12 years of age the father should play a vital enriching role in the child’s life.

The father supports, buttresses, reinforces and inspires a sense of discipline, security and confidence in the child.

At the same time  the mother plays a complementing role as the more loving and principal parent.


STAGE 3 : (12 to 18 Years) – FATHER IS THE PRINCIPAL PARENT

It is only after the child becomes 12 years old – that the father begins to play an increasing major role in the child’s development. 

Now  the father must take charge as the principal parent – while the mother recedes into the background (the mother now plays the supporting role as the father did in Stage 1). 

As children become teenagers  they require firm handling (especially boys)  and teenagers require inculcation of discipline and a sense of responsibility. 

Meanwhile  in case there are younger children  the mother will be busy performing the cardinal role as principal parent looking after the younger children who may be in Stages 1 and 2 of their lives. 

Let me re-iterate that this is the “Old Style” Parenting Paradigm when Father and Mother lived together and brought up their children. 

Now – Single Parenting seems increasingly in vogue – due to a variety of reasons – ranging from divorce to long distance marriages. 

So – in case you are a Single Parent – then  you will have to perform both the roles of Mother and Father – in all the 3 Parenting Stages – till your Child becomes and Adult.  

However  this may prove difficult. 

Just imagine that you are a Single Parent  and  you have two children  one child is below 5  and  the other child is above 12.

For the younger child in Stage 1 (0 to 5 Years) – you will have to perform the 100% Mother Role.

For the older child in Stage 3 (12 to 18 Years) – you will have to be 100% Father.

You will go crazy due to role ambiguity – and your kids will get confused by your contrasting behaviour. 

Also – if you have a guilty conscience (due to your divorce) – you will tend to pamper and spoil your children – which can be detrimental – especially in Stage 3 (12 to 18 Years)

That is why it is not advisable to divorce or separate  if you have children. 

Or – if divorce is inevitable – it is best to delay divorce till all children become adults.

I am of the view that divorce of parents may adversely affect the all-round development of children. 

While a Mother plays a prominent role in inculcating Emotional Balance  the Father is the parent who shapes Personality and inculcates Discipline.


PARENTING WHEN CHILDREN BECOME ADULTS

A Parent is like a Trustee

So – once your children become adults  and they start earning their living  and they fly off from your “nest”  you have to just let go  and observe your birds fly high in the sky. 

At this stage  it is best to be a spectator – and give advice/assistance only when your children ask for advice/assistance.


NEW AGE PARENTING

Dear Reader  do you agree with this traditional parenting paradigm…?

Or  do you prefer the New Age Proxy Parenting Paradigm described below…? 

NEW AGE PROXY PARENTING STYLE

Maybe I am an old fogey  with outdated views  but sometime ago  I was shocked to learn that a young mother had gone abroad to the US – leaving behind her 3 month old first born baby in India with the baby’s grandmother (the Baby’s Mother’s Mother).

(Those days – maternity leave was 3 months – and – the career conscious working mother chose to take up an important 2 month assignment abroad  rather than stay back to look after her baby – who was left in the charge of the old grandparents)

The baby’s grandmother would be the proxy “surrogate” mother – while the biological mother continued to stay far away from her baby to pursue her career in a foreign country.

Is this an ethical thing to do...? 

And – is it morally correct from the baby’s point of view...?

Is it in consonance with the biological laws of nature for a mother to willfully deprive her new-born baby of natural physical and emotional maternal love for the sake of her selfish career ambitions...? 

Is it not cruel on the hapless child...?

Is it fair for the natural mother to deprive herself of the joys of motherhood...?

I find it unimaginable that a mother prefers to willingly remain away from her small baby.

Even a father would like to remain with his children.

Can a grandmother  or a nanny  fulfill the natural role of the mother better than the child’s own birth-mother...?

This lack and willful deprivation of natural physical maternal love  and the absence of a father figure  will all this affect the development of the child in later years…?

Will it affect their interrelationships as parent and child…?

And – what about the interrelationships of the child with others  in later years  like the child’s future inter-relationships with friends and spouse?

We are born wanting a loving, nurturing attachment to our parents (particularly the mother).

Within the first year or two of our life  we all develop an image of our love object” and our relationship with that person.

These images comprise feelings, fears, needs and wants – the mental-emotional yearnings of an infant baby for his or her parents (especially the mother).

Suppose the birth-mother fails to meet the baby’s natural needs and yearnings  can someone else  like a grandmother  or a nanny – can this surrogate mother take the birthmother’s place as a proxy “love object”...?

And  if so  what are the repercussions of this proxy surrogate parenting” on the development of the child…?

If a grandmother plays a mother’s role – won’t this cause an ambiguity in the child’s mind…?

Well  Dear Reader: 

I don’t know the answers to all these questions.

Do you…?

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
1. This article is based on my personal experience. It may or may not work for you. Please do your own due diligence before deciding your parenting style.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)