Does Your Heart “Murmur”...?

Humor in Uniform

DOCTOR AT SEA 
“Quack” in Uniform
Hilarious Encounter with a “Fauji” Doctor
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE 


“PONGO” DOCTOR REPORTS ON BOARD

In the Defence Services – once you join a particular service – you remain in that service.

If you join the Army – you remain in the Army.

If you join the Navy – you remain in the Navy.

And – if you join the Air Force – you remain in the Air Force.

Yes – I have seen some “grounded” Air Force Flight Cadets – who are unable to fly aircraft – they are sometimes sent to the Navy or Army – especially ex-NDA types.

But – once you are commissioned as an officer – you cannot change the colour of your uniform.

The only exceptions are Military Doctors – officers of the Army Medical Corps (AMC) – who often change the colour of their uniform – like chameleons.

I have seen doctors being transferred from the Army to the Navy – and vice versa – and maybe it happens with Air Force Doctors too.

Strictly speaking – there are no “Air Force Doctors” or “Navy Doctors” – since all doctors belong to the Army Medical Corps (AMC).

Let me tell you a story about a landlubber “pongo” doctor in Olive Green (OG) who was suddenly transferred to the navy and found himself all at sea.

This happened long back – 39 years ago – in the late 1970’s.

Our ship was not a capital ship – but a frigate.

However – she was a “top heavy” ship – since she was designated as “squadron ship”.

Sister ships of her class were commanded by a Commander – and had Lieutenant Commanders as Heads of Executive, Engineering, Electrical and Supply Departments – and young Lieutenants as specialist departmental officers.

However – our ship – being the “squadron ship” – had a senior Captain in command – a Commander (E) and Commander (L) [Squadron Engineer Officer (EO) and Squadron Electrical Officer (LO)] – and an extra Education Officer (Lieutenant Commander).

However – the second-in-command – the Executive Officer (XO) – was a Lieutenant Commander – and this caused some friction as EO and LO outranked him.

And – we had a young Medical Officer who was a Surgeon Lieutenant.

One day – the young Surgeon Lieutenant was transferred out to do a Post Graduate (PG) course – and for some time – there was no replacement.

A few days later – just as we were about to cast off to sea – a portly middle-aged gentleman arrived at the gangway.

The gentleman was in civilian clothes.

He proclaimed to the OOD that he was the new Medical Officer.

The OOD asked a sailor to take the gentleman to the Sick Bay.

Meanwhile – the OOD informed the XO – and – he also told the stewards to get the Medical Officer’s Cabin ship shape.

Later – when the ship was underway – the XO approached the Captain on the bridge and reported to the Captain: 

“Sir – the new Medical Officer has reported on board ship.”

“What...? The new Doc has come...? I did not see any appointment letter in the mail...” the Captain said.

“Sir – the new Doc has brought his appointment letter by hand – he has come from the Army...”

“Army...?”

“Sir – he has been transferred to the Navy on promotion to Surgeon Commander rank.”

“Surgeon Commander...? The new Doc is a Surgeon Commander...?”

“Sir – have a look at his date of commission – he must have been quite a senior Major  in the Army – I wonder why they moved him from the Army to the Navy...” the XO said.

The Captain looked at the papers – and he said: 

“Bloody hell – we have one more headache now – Commander (E) – Commander (L) – and now a bloody Doc who is a Commander. The ship is getting so “top-heavy” – we may just topple “topsy-turvy”...”

“Yes Sir – as a Squadron Ship – we have too many “passengers” on board our ship – all these Commanders – and a bloody “Schoolie” too...” the XO said.

“Where the hell is this new Doc...?” the Captain asked.

“Sir – he is violently “sea-sick” – he is throwing up in the Sick Bay...” the XO said.

“Sea-Sick...? In this weather...? The sea is hardly rough...” the Captain remarked.

“Sir – he is a “Pongo” – maybe he is not used to it – I think it is his first time on a ship. Sir, shall I get him to your cabin when you go down...?” the XO asked.

“No. Not now. Let the new Doc find his bearings. I will see him later...” the Captain said. 

WHY AN ARMYMAN IS CALLED A “PONGO”

Dear Reader – since I have used the term “Pongo” to describe the Army Doctor – let me tell you why Armymen are called “Pongos” 

Yes – “Pongo” is Navy slang for an Army Soldier.

Why is an Armyman called a “Pongo”...?

Well – there are many apocryphal stories on the origins of the term “Pongo”.

Here is one such yarn that I heard long back from an old Sea Dog.

He told me that the term “Pongo” originated in the Royal Navy to denote an infantryman. 

As per a myth – the “Pongo” was a unique Ape (monkey without tail).

When this unique Ape called “Pongo” sensed danger or felt scared – the “Pongo” did not climb trees – like most Apes or Monkeys normally do.

In contrast – the “Pongo” would dig holes in the earth and hide himself in the ground – in the same way as infantrymen dug in and entrenched themselves in the ground – when they were under attack in battle.

Another similar yarn says that the term “Pongo” is derived from the archaic name for the Orangutan – yes – some say that a “Pongo” is a type of Orangutan – and – the “Pongo” had the habit of digging holes in the ground for no apparent reason – and then – filling the holes back. 

The Sailors probably observed Army Soldiers digging away – hence – the nickname “Pongo” for Army Soldiers.

Sorry for the digression, Dear Reader – let me continue the story of a “Pongo” Doctor.

HOW THE “PONGO” DOCTOR WAS POSTED ON A SHIP

Dear Reader – if you are wondering how this “Pongo” Doctor got posted to our ship – this is what had happened...

Let is call this “Pongo” Doctor as “M”

This Army Medical Officer – our “Pongo” Doctor “M” – in his previous appointment – was posted as in an administrative appointment in a Military Hospital. 

“M” was more of an administrator than a doctor (you will find many such examples in the military and civilian government of doctors who practice more administration and less medicine)

In the Military Hospital where he was posted – “M” was considered a “pain in the arse” – and his boss and his colleagues wanted him moved out of the hospital.

They repeatedly complained to the “powers-that-be” about “M” and requested that “M” be posted out of the hospital.

But – M’s reputation was so bad – that no other Hospital in the Army wanted him.

So – when the opportunity came – the “powers-that-be” transferred “M” to the Navy – yes – they dumped him in the Navy to get rid of him from the Army.

When “M” protested – they told him that there was no vacancy of “Lt Col” in the Army – and – if he wanted to get promoted – he had to go to the Navy.

So – “M”reluctantly came to the Navy.

Unfortunately – his reputation had preceded him in Navy medical circles too.

So – the Navy Medical Top Brass shunted “M” off to a ship – rather than suffer him in a Navy Hospital.

So – our ship’s new medical officer “M” was extremely unhappy on board the ship.

First – he had the harrowing experience of seasickness.

Secondly – he was very piqued at the way he was being treated on board ship despite his service seniority and rank.

“M” was peeved because the other two Commanders – Cdr “E” and Cdr “L” – had spacious upper-deck cabins. 

Even the two Lieutenant Commanders – the XO and the Supply Officer – and – the Navigating Officer (NO) – who was a mere Lieutenant – had better cabins than him.

On the other hand – despite being a Commander – “M” was consigned to a suffocating cabin in the Lieutenants’ Cabin Flat – which reeked of the nauseating smell of FFO (Furnace Fuel Oil).

His request for a change of cabin to one of the good cabins on the upper-decks was denied. 

The PMC stated that the upper-deck cabins were “marked cabins” reserved for respective appointments. 

“M” complained to the Captain.

The Captain candidly told “M” that normally a young Surgeon Lieutenant was posted on board this ship as Medical Officer (MO) – and so – a small cabin had been earmarked for the MO – and he could not change it – since the cabins for Department Heads were specified in the Ship’s Standing Orders

To add insult to the injury – the XO bluntly remarked that they would have been happier with a younger Medical Officer – but now – since “M” was posted on board – “M” would have to make do with the same facilities as the earlier Medical Officer.

M’s family had not joined him – since he had retained accommodation in previous station – so – “M” had to live on board ship 24/7 – even when the ship was in harbour.

His request for a cabin in the luxurious Navy Command Officers Mess was turned down – since ship’s officers were required to live on board their respective ships.

“M” was also upset that no one gave him any importance on the ship – unlike in the Army – where a Medical Officer is treated with reverence in the unit.

“M” would vent his frustrations by smoking furiously throughout the day – and – drinking whisky sorrowfully in the evenings.

“M” particularly hated the XO – who – despite being a rank lower – tried to boss over “M” – because – technically – the Medical Officer was subordinate to the XO in the ship’s hierarchy. 

“M” was seething to take revenge for the injustice done to him.

REVENGE OF THE “PONGO” DOCTOR

Finally – after a long wait – “M” had his revenge.

It was December – time for the Annual Medical Examination (AME).

Earlier – this AME was quite an informal affair.

But “M” – who was a better administrator than doctor – decided to go by the book.

So “M” promulgated the AME roster giving dates for Annual Medical Examination (AME) department-wise.

On the promulgated day – the XO reported to “M” in the sickbay for his Annual Medical Examination.

“M” asked the XO to strip and lie down – and then “M” thoroughly examined the XO with a stethoscope.

“M” then filled up a few forms.

As the XO was buttoning up his uniform – “M” gave him the forms. 

Then – “M” said matter-of-factly to the XO: 

“You have got HEART MURMUR...”

“Heart Murmur...?” the XO asked, bewildered.

“Yes. You will have to get admitted to hospital – you will have to get some tests done – and you will be required to undergo a detailed examination performed by the specialist...” said “M” to the perplexed XO.

“You want me to get admitted to hospital...? But – nothing is wrong with me – I am absolutely fit – I just won the Navy squash championship…” the XO protested anxiously.

“Why are you getting excited...? It looks like you have hypertension too...! I think I will have to refer you for a hypertension check-up too...” the doctor “M” said to the bewildered XO.

“Can you please check me again...? I am sure that nothing is wrong with me and I am absolutely fit. I do not want to get admitted to hospital. I am in “promotion zone” – my promotion board is scheduled in a few months. And – I am scared – if I get admitted to hospital – you never know what may happen once I get into the labyrinth of medical tests and referrals – those “specialist” doctors may lower my medical category – and – Low Medical Category may jeopardize my promotion...” the XO pleaded to “M”.

“M” was happy to see that XO was getting panicky. 

So – to drive home his point – “M”said triumphantly to the XO: 

“Of course – they will lower your medical category – heart murmur is a serious matter – you can even get a heart attack – your health is more important than your career – yes – for a heart condition – they will permanently lower your medical category – you will be in Low Medical Category – or – LMC – as we call it in the Army Medical Corps…”

The XO got so rattled and panic-stricken on hearing these words – and it seemed that the XO would have an actual heart attack – there and then.

On seeing the XO’s jittery condition – “M” asked the XO to lie down.

Then – “M” told the Medical Assistant to ask the OOD to summon an ambulance.

And – to prove that he was not being vindictive to the XO – his bête noir – and to display his sense of fairness – “M” examined the other two officers who had reported for Annual Medical Examination – and – “M” declared that the other two officers also had “Heart Murmur”.

And so – along with the XO – “M” referred these two officers also for hospitalization and further tests and examinations by the specialists. 

Then – “M” called up the OOD told him to get a big ambulance – since a total of 3 Officers had to be rushed to the hospital for Heart Murmur.

When the OOD informed the Captain that the XO and two officers were being sent to hospital – he was livid.

“We are under sailing orders. I cannot have my XO and two of my key officers in hospital...” the Captain told “M”.

But – “M” threw the book at the Captain – and – “M” asserted that the Captain could not interfere in medical matters. 

The Captain called up some higher-ups to protest – but – the Captain was firmly told that – in medical matters – the decision of the Medical Officer would prevail.

The Captain was advised to do as his Medical Officer recommended.

They told the Captain that – of course – if the Captain wanted – he could always speak directly to the specialist doctors in the hospital.

So – the XO and the two Lieutenants were on their way in an ambulance to the Naval Hospital to get checked up for Heart Murmur.

The XO had broken out into a sweat – panic-stricken and scared at his uncertain future.

He was terrified that his medical category might be lowered – and Low Medical Category (LMC) would put an end to his dreams of becoming an Admiral – which was his whole and sole aim in life – ever since he joined the National Defence Academy as a Naval Cadet.

The two Lieutenants seemed unconcerned.

The two carefree Lieutenants tried to cheer up the XO: 

“Sir, you don’t worry. This “pongo” bugger is a quack. Nothing is wrong with us. What is the harm in getting all the tests done free of cost...? We will have a nice time in hospital – we need some relaxation after all this hectic sailing. So – we will enjoy our R&R in the hospital. In the evenings – we will enjoy drinking and eating in the club. And – after a few days we will come back to the ship all refreshed and rejuvenated...”

In fact – the two Lieutenants were looking forward to some R&R in hospital.

But – their hopes were dashed.

While the ambulance was moving towards the hospital – at the same time – phones were ringing – and their Captain was desperately talking to the Medical Specialist – the Heart Specialist – and – the other Medical “powers-that-be”.

When the XO and two Lieutenants reached the hospital for admission – they were instead told to go first to the Medical Specialist.

The Medical Specialist was a classmate of “M” during MBBS.

He knew that although “M” had somehow managed to pass his medical exams – “M” he had absolutely zero acumen to be a good doctor.

The medical specialist had also heard about “M” on the “AMC grapevine”.

The specialist smiled to himself.

“M” was truly a “Doctor at Sea” – literally and figuratively.

Yes – the Medical Specialist said to himself – “M” was a “Quack” Doctor at Sea.

Well aware of the medical incompetence of “M” – the Medical Specialist was inclined to declare all the 3 officers medically fit even without examining them.

The Medical Specialist noticed that whereas the XO seemed anxious – the two Lieutenants looked unconcerned and carefree.

The specialist examined all three officers with his stethoscope.

“Nothing is wrong with you guys,” the medical specialist said, “take the day off – all of you can go home and relax – then – come and see me first thing tomorrow morning at 8 o’clock...”

Next morning – the Medical Specialist took an ECG – and then – he declared all three officers medically fit for duties. 

So – the XO and the two Lieutenants returned to the ship in time for sailing. 

Soon – everyone came to know that “M” has been allotted a “B” type house and he would be going on leave to collect his family from his previous station.

So – the officers on the ship waited till “M” went on leave – and then – they got their Annual Medical Examination (AME) done on other ships.

When “M” returned from leave – the ship’s officers made life hell for “M” 

So – “M” spent most of his time sulking in his cabin – while his Medical Assistant ran the show from the sickbay.

Mercifully – “M” was transferred out to the Station Health Organization (SHO) – where he could happily demonstrate his “medico-administrative skills” supervising “hygiene inspections” and “sanitation management” in the cantonment.

The “Pongo” Doctor “M” was replaced on board ship by a young “Surgeon Lieutenant” – who was an excellent doctor.

As they say: 

“All’s well that ends well” 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.