“Doctor” in Uniform – “Second Opinion” or “Cut Practice”...?

HUMOR IN UNIFORM 

[NB: The generic Hindustani word “Fauj” refers to all arms of the Military (Army, Navy, Air Force) – so – the term “Fauji” or “Soldier” refers to all Military Personnel in Uniform of the Army, Navy and Air Force (Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen) – and the term “Faujan” refers to all Military Wives)]

My Hilarious Encounters with “Fauji” Doctors

“SECOND OPINION” or “CUT PRACTICE”

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

THE “FAUJI” MEDICAL OFFICER 

This happened more than 32 years ago – in the mid 1980’s – at IAT Girinagar Pune.

I had newly arrived in station. 

Those days – IAT was an inter-service training establishment comprising Army, Navy and Air Force Personnel – but – it was run in typical “Army Style”.

During my evening walk – I saw a crowd of young student officers and families sitting on the lawns of the house of our Unit Medical Officer (MO). 

Seeing the crowd – I thought that our Unit Medical Officer (Doctor) was having a party.

“So – Doc is having a party – is it...?” I shouted to them.

“No Sir. We have not come here for a party. We are waiting to see the doctor for medical treatment...” they said.

I was impressed.

I had thought that our Unit Medical Officer (Unit MO) was a typical “fauji” doctor.

Most Army Medical Officers followed strict timings and rules.

You had to visit the Medical Inspection Room (MI Room)/Clinic/Sickbay when you were sick (even if you were seriously ill) 

This was because “fauji” doctors did not make house calls – nor did they entertain patients at their home. 

That is why I was impressed to see so many patients at the “Fauji” Doctor’s home. 

It was evident that he was such a good doctor – that patients were going to his house in the evening for consultation and treatment.

And – our Unit Medical Officer (Unit MO) – he seemed so compassionate, sincere and devoted to medicine – that he had started an “Evening OPD” at home for their convenience.

Thoroughly impressed by the dedication of the “Unit MO” – I said to the officers: 

“That’s great. I did not know that our “Unit MO” sees patients at home...” 

A student officer said to me: 

“Sir – we have not come to see the “Unit MO”. 

He is a “Quack” – a useless “good-for-nothing doctor”. 

We have come to see his wife. 

She is an excellent doctor who works in “XXX Hospital” – the best hospital in Pune. 

In the evening – she does her “private practice” here at her home – and everyone comes to consult her. 

Of course – she charges quite a lot of money as “consultation fee” – but then – she is a really good doctor...”

I was stunned to hear this.

But – after a few days – I realised that the student officer was right.

A young Naval Officer told me a story a few days later which proved that the “fauji” doctor’s wife was a good doctor – yes – she was a really good doctor. 

Let me tell you the story. 

MEDICAL CATEGORY SCARE

Once – the young Naval Officer got a strange cough.

During his morning run – in the expansive picturesque campus – he would suddenly get a spasm of cough – so severe – that it was almost like a convulsion.

He would sit down – terminate his run – walk home – and drink water – and take rest.

For the rest of the day – he would be okay.

These fits of cough happened only in the mornings during his runs – and – while jogging in the open.

The Naval Officer reported to the Unit Medical Officer (MO) [“fauji” doctor] in the MI Room.

On hearing the symptoms – without even physically examining the officer – the Army Unit MO immediately concluded that it was “Asthma”.

And – the Unit MO referred the Officer to the “Specialist” at the Military Command Hospital (CH) Pune.

The Naval Officer was due for his “sea time” – immediately after the course.

His fellow Naval Officers scared the shit out of the officer – by putting all sorts of fears in his mind.

They told him that – if he went to the Specialist for Asthma – he would be subjected to all sorts of tests and examinations – and – the Specialists at Military Hospital would surely downgrade his “Medical Category”.

Now – if his Medical Category was downgraded – that would be the end of his “sea time” – and – as a consequence – his Navy Career would be badly affected.

All Fellow Officers and their Wives wife advised the “Asthma Afflicted Officer” to see the “fauji” doctor’s wife (the civilian lady doctor who practiced at home). 

They all told the “Asthma Afflicted Officer” – that – before he “surrendered” himself to the “Fauji” Specialist Doctors at the Military Hospital – it would be better if he took a “second opinion” from the civilian doctor wife our unit “fauji” doctor – since she was a good doctor. 

Of course – though she charged a hefty “consultation fee” – it would be worth it in the long run – rather than let the Military “Specialist” Doctors ruin his career by “awarding” him a “Medical Category”. 

(In the Military – some Doctors are more adept at “awarding” Medical Categories than treating “fauji” patients...)

THE “FAUJI” DOCTOR’S WIFE

In the evening – the worried “Asthma Afflicted Officer” went to see the “fauji” doctor’s wife.

The doctor’s wife – the civilian lady doctor – she heard him out – she examined him thoroughly – and – she said to the officer: 

“Don’t worry – it is not asthma – it is just a seasonal allergy due to pollen from the “congress grass” which is abundant on the campus. This allergy happens to some people in spring. Just stop your morning runs for a month or two. Don’t go out in the open in the mornings. You will be okay. Once it is summer – you can start your morning outdoor exercise and running again.”

“Any medicines – any treatment...?” the officer asked.

“Nothing. There is no need for any medicines...” said the “fauji” doctor’s wife (the civilian lady doctor) – and then – she advised the officer, “if you want – you can just add some gavati chaha  गवती  चाहा (lemon grass) to boiling water when you make tea in the morning – it will act as a placebo – there are plenty of gavati chaha bushes growing wild in the campus.”

Within a few days – the officer’s cough disappeared.

And soon – the moment the season changed to summer – the officer was absolutely fit and fine – and – he started his morning runs again.

Of course – the Naval Officer scrupulously avoided going to the unit MO in the MI Room – during the remaining part of his course. 

And – at the end of the course – fit and fine – he went for his “sea time”.

AFTERTHOUGHT 

In the civilian world – I  have heard stories of doctors referring their patients to fellow doctors – for a “cut” or “commission” (known as “cut practice”...) 

So – in hindsight – I wonder: 

Was the “fauji” doctor much smarter than we thought...? 

Was he “faking it”...? 

By giving a “medical category scare” to all his “fauji” patients – was it the “ulterior motive” of the “fauji” doctor to boost the private practice of his civilian doctor wife...? 

Was the Unit MO “fauji” doctor indulging in “cut practice”...?

Ha Ha – “Second Opinion” – or – “Cut Practice”...? 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

Mental Health Care – Military Style : Humor in Uniform

Today – 10 October – is  World Mental Health Day 

On this occasion – I am reminded of a spoof I wrote sometime ago – on Mental Health Care – titled – “How to Cure Depression” (Military Style). 

Dear Reader: 

Here is the “Humor in Uniform” spoof – for you to read, have a laugh and ponder over... 

Before you start reading – let me remind you that this is a humorous spoof – tongue-in-cheek satire – “Humor in Uniform” – pure fiction – just for fun and humor – no offence is meant to anyone – so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

HOW TO CURE DEPRESSION – MILITARY STYLE

Nowadays – I am surprised to see counselling and therapy being practised in a big way. 

When I was in school – 50 years ago – in the 1960’s – I don’t remember having any Counsellors in my schools.

Later – Schools had Vocational or Guidance Counsellors – who tested aptitude and advised students on selection of educational-streams/courses/career-choice which were in harmony with their aptitude. 

Now – I understand – that apart from Vocational Guidance Counsellors – some schools even have Psychological Counsellors. 

I heard that even youngsters go for “therapy” to counsellors for various problems – the main problem being “Depression”

I do not know whether I have ever suffered from “depression”. 

In fact – I don’t even know what “depression” exactly is. 

Yes – I feel “sad” and “low” at times. 

Yes – I am a “moody” person – and – I have mood swings. 

Is it “depression”...? 

Am I “depressed”...? 

I really don’t know. 

Maybe – “Ignorance is Bliss”. 

In boarding school – in college – and – later in the Navy (where I spent my entire career) – there was no concept of “depression”. 

You were either “sane” – or – you were “insane”.

There was nothing in-between sanity and insanity. 

You were either “normal” – or you were “crazy”. 

And – if you went “crazy” – they branded you a “psycho” – and they sent you to the psychiatric ward – to be dealt with by the Military Psychiatrists (“shrinks”).

Those days – in the Navy (Military) – since “depression” was not recognised as a malady – there was no concept of psychological counselling or therapy – and I did not see any psychologists/ counsellors/therapists in uniform.

So – how was depression “cured” or “managed” in the Military...? 

Read on... 

But – before you read on – please read the “disclaimer” below:

Disclaimer: 

This is a humorous spoof  – tongue-in-cheek satire – “Humor in Uniform” – pure fiction – just for fun and humor – no offence is meant to anyone – so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 

Humor in Uniform 

DEPRESSION “MANAGEMENT” – MILITARY STYLE

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

NB: 

The generic terms “Fauji” and “Soldier” refer to all Military Personnel (Officers/Soldiers/Sailors/Airmen) – and – the term “Faujan” refers to all Military Wives...

Last year – I attended a Literary Festival in Pune.

There was a session on “Stereotypes” in Fiction.

The panelists decried the tendency to stereotype characters – especially in romantic fiction.

Among the panelists was an Army Wife (“Faujan”) – an accomplished author – who has written a successful novel on an Army Wife’s Life.

I candidly told her that – in her novel – she too had “stereotyped” her “hero”: 

“Quintessential” Army Officer = “Tough Macho Man” + “Debonair Gentleman” + “Ideal Boyfriend” + “Super Husband” + “Perfect Father” …et al…

She agreed with me – that – at least in Indian Literature – most novels/movies with a military backdrop have a tendency to “stereotype” the Military Officer as the “ultimate impeccable superman” with all the perfect qualities.

Most Military Literature, Movies and Jingoistic Military Recruitment Advertisements reinforce such “stereotypes” of Army, Navy and Air Force Officers.

I have come across a few “Military Wife” Blogs (written by “Faujans”) – where – there is a tendency to stereotype the “Military Wife” – and – believe it or not – even the “Military Girlfriend” has been stereotyped. 

Yes – there is a tendency to stereotype “Military Wives” too.

If you have served in military uniform – or – if you are married to a person who has served in uniform – you will know that Military Officers and Military Wives (“Faujis” and “Faujans”) are like most normal human beings.

Thanks to this stereotyping of the “Military Officer/Soldier” (“Fauji”) – there is a perception that “Faujis” are so physically robust and mentally tough that it is not possible for “Faujis” to suffer from an “effeminate” frailty like “depression”.

The quintessential “Fauji” is supposed to be a “Tough Guy”.

So – a “Fauji” is expected to be at one of the two “macho” extremes – either he is supposed to be macho “compos mentis” – or go macho “berserk” and run amok.

In the military – there is no scope for middle-of-the-road sensitive fragilities like “depression”.

Things may be different now – but the “good old days” – Mental Health was a simple “Black” and “White” matter – either you were “sane” – or – you were “insane” – there was nothing in between the two extremes.

Being “sensitive” or “emotional” was considered “un-militarily-like” – there was no place for a “sentimental sissy” in the military.

Such “mushy” traits were considered as a sign of effeminate weakness and lack of OLQ (Officer Like Qualities).

The Military Motto was: 

“Stop crying like a woman – you must take it like a man”

If you had an “emotional problem” – you had to “sort out” your own problem – or – you had to bear it with stoicism.

If you could not “sort out” your emotional problem – and – you were forced to endure your emotional problem with stoicism – two things could happen:

1. Either – the emotional problem cured itself – and – in due course of time – you became okay.

2. Or – the emotional problem worsened and metamorphosed into a psychiatric disorder – in which case – you were declared a “psycho” – and – sent to the psychiatrist. 

Things may have changed now – but – in the “good old days” – there was no concept of psychological counselling to alleviate emotional problems faced by “Faujis”.  

In the earlier system of relying exclusively on psychiatric treatment – Military Officers/Soldiers were afraid – that if they officially reported their “emotional problems” to their superiors – it would be presumed that they were suffering from “psychiatric disorders” – and – they would be sent to military hospitals for psychiatric treatment.

Once Officers/Soldiers were referred for psychiatric treatment – their medical category would be downgraded – and – thereafter – for the rest of their life in the service – they would suffer the stigma of being branded as “psycho” – and – their military careers would be ruined forever.

As it is – in those days – Military Officers/Soldiers were apprehensive of going to “specialist” doctors – since they wanted to avoid down-gradation of their “medical category” – which could affect their career prospects.

But – “Faujis” were most terrified of being referred to Psychiatrists – not only would your “medical category” be down-graded – but – you would be branded a “psycho” to boot.

Hence – Officers/Soldiers suppressed their emotional distress.

Emotionally “depressed” Officers/Soldiers tried to “sort out” their emotional problem with “self-cure” – by adopting philosophical/spiritual self-help techniques like “positive thinking” “meditation” “prayer” etc.

Or – “Faujis” resorted to the universal “panacea” for all ills – alcohol – which was provided at concessional rates to “Faujis” – as the macho “remedy” for “depression cure”

“Self-Cure” or “Alcohol Cure” may have worked in some cases of “depression”.

But – if the emotionally distressed individual could not cure himself – this could ultimately result in serious ramifications like mental illness – or – even suicide – in extreme cases. 

Recently – I read a news report that 310 Army Personnel had committed Suicide since 2014 and there were 11 cases of Fratricide. 

Doesn’t this highlight the urgent need for psychological counselling/therapy facilities in the Armed Forces...? 

I do not recall any psychologists posted as counsellors on board Naval Ships with whom officers/sailors could talk regarding their emotional problems. 

The only “counsellors” available were your friends, your family – or – your superior officers – like it happened to the officer in the story below – titled “Depression Management” 

DEPRESSION MANAGEMENT (an apocryphal story)

During my early Navy days – 40 years ago – in the 1970’s – we had a Senior Lieutenant on our ship. 

He had coined a maxim – which epitomized “Depression Management” in the Navy:

“EVERY “PROBLEM” IS A “MINOR PROBLEM”...” 

and 

“A “MINOR PROBLEM” IS “NO PROBLEM”...”

therefore 

“EVERY “PROBLEM” is “NO PROBLEM”...” 

Therefore – by this maxim – a Naval Officer or Sailor was not supposed to have a problem – especially – a personal problem. 

But – was this possible...? 

Here is the story of an Officer who had a problem...

STORY OF THE “DEPRESSED” SUB LIEUTENANT

A young Sub Lieutenant felt depressed. 

So – went to this same Senior Lieutenant (who was his direct boss) and said: 

“Sir – I have a personal problem…”

The Senior Lieutenant promptly enunciated his favourite slogan:

“Every Problem is a “Minor Problem” –  and – a “Minor Problem” is “No Problem” – so – you have “No Problem”…”

Then – the Senior Lieutenant scolded the Sub Lieutenant and asked him to stop behaving like a sissy: 

“In the Navy – you sort out your own problems – you don’t go crying like a bloody Sissy to your Boss regarding your personal problems...”

After that – the Senior Lieutenant shouted at the Sub Lieutenant to “get lost” – to “vamoose” – to “bugger off” and ordered him to get on with his work.  

In the evening – the distraught Sub Lieutenant tried to unburden himself by talking about his personal problem to his shipmates in the wardroom.

It was a simple “affair of the heart”.

The Officer had fallen in Love with a Girl from a Wealthy Business Family.

The girl’s parents were not interested in their only daughter marrying a “penurious” Navy Officer.

In fact – the girl was the “only child” of her parents and she was the heir to their “business empire” 

So – the parents had arranged a suitable “business match” for her daughter befitting their affluence and “status” – and – of course – the “business marriage” of their daughter to the son of a business tycoon would help expand their “business empire” as well.

And – though the girl loved the Navy Officer – the girl did not have the guts to go against her parents’ wishes.

The depressed officer’s well-meaning shipmates “counselled” him over a drink in the wardroom:

1. “Forget about her – just get another girl – if you want – I will introduce you to a sexy “fleet auxiliary” who is available at the moment…”

2. “Come on – drink up – and – by tomorrow – you will be fine…”

3. “Why are you crying like a bloody sissy…? You are a tough Naval Officer. Just go and sort it out yourself – just go there – pick up your girl – elope with her – and – get married…” 

Now – the depressed officer was deeply in love with the girl – and – it was not possible for him to forget her – and - neither was he interested in having a “lustful affair” with a “fleet auxiliary”.

So – the “depressed officer” drank up – glass after glass of whisky – till – he was drunk to the hilt – and – fortified with alcohol-induced “Dutch Courage” – he drove down on his bike to the girl’s house to “sort out the matter”.

Well – the officer may have been emotionally vulnerable – but – physically – he was a huge powerful hulk – and – in his wild drunken state – he looked very intimidating.

You can well imagine what must have happened – when the fearsome formidable “angry young man” – dangerously drunk and berserk – ran amok in a menacing manner – and – he accosted the girl’s parents – and he tried to forcibly elope with the girl. 

It was with great difficulty that they managed to overpower him with the help of the police – who handed him over to the Naval Police.

Well – in order to save him from big trouble – the easiest thing for the “powers-that-be” to do – was to fill up a form (AFMSF-10) – and to refer the “depressed officer” for psychiatric examination (notwithstanding the fact that he would be branded a “psycho” for life).

Well – you may think that this illustrative fictional story of an “affair of the heart” is a tall story.

But – the fact of the matter is – that – especially in today’s world – military men (and even military wives) – “Faujis” and “Faujans” – they need “emotional sustenance” – to face the multitude of problems peculiar to the Armed Forces – especially pertaining to Soldiers deployed in combat situations and their families.

And – for this “emotional sustenance” – isn’t compassionate counselling a better option than harsh psychiatric treatment…?

Military Hospitals have “Military Psychiatrists” to cure those who have gone “crazy”.

But – what about preventing individuals from going “crazy”...? 

I wonder if Military Units and Naval Ships have easily accessible “Military Psychologists” to prevent individuals from going “crazy”…

Isn’t prevention better than cure…? 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

 

This article is an abridged version of my article DEPRESSION MANAGEMENT aka PSYCHO posted by me online many times in my various blogs including at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/09/humor-in-uniform-depression-management.html  and  https://karve.wordpress.com/2016/09/16/military-psychology-for-emotional-sustenance-and-depression-management/  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/02/how-to-manage-mental-health-care.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/how-to-cure-depression-military-style.html etc