Humor in Uniform – How I Learnt Meditation

Humor in Uniform

HOW I LEARNT MEDITATION

Unforgettable Memories of My Wonderful Navy Days

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

The Navy taught me many things. 

Believe it or not – I learnt the art of meditation – thanks to the Navy. 

Here is the hilarious story from my Navy Days of how I learnt meditation. 

This happened in the early 1983 – around 34 years ago.

After slogging for 5 years in the Navy – afloat and ashore – in the year 1981 – I was “selected” to undergo the 2 year M. Tech. course at IIT Delhi (Indian Institute of Technology, New Delhi).

On completion of my Master’s Degree (M.Tech.) in 1983 – I was posted to the Military “Babudom” in Delhi – what we in the Navy jokingly referred to as the landlocked “Northern Naval Command”. 

Though ostensibly – it was an R&D billet (in consonance with my recently acquired M.Tech. qualification) – in actual fact – I was a pen-pusher – a “Babu” in Uniform.

I clearly remember the first day I reported to my new job after completing my M. Tech. at IIT Delhi.

The officer who I was relieving was delighted that I had reported.

He was a few years senior to me. 

He was a newly promoted Lieutenant Commander – and – he was looking forward to proceeding for his Lieutenant Commander’s “sea time” on a good ship.

He explained the duties of the position to me.

Then he took me to the Director (a Commodore).

“Has he been “initiated”...? Has he successfully completed his initiation...?” the Commodore asked the Lieutenant Commander who I was relieving.

“No, Sir...” my predecessor said.

“Then why have you brought him to me...? See that he is properly initiated first – and then you bring him to me – you will be relieved of your duties only after that...” the Commodore said to my predecessor.

I was totally bamboozled. 

I wondered what this “initiation” was all about.

I felt confused.

Was this office in the Navy – or had I landed in some “occult outfit”...?

To be frank – seeing the sinister way in which the Commodore had said: “Has he been initiated”...? – it sent shivers down my spine.

The whole thing sounded macabre – something paranormal.  

Yes – I was indeed truly terrified on hearing the Commodore’s words: “Has he been initiated...? Has he successfully completed his initiation...?” 

All sorts of scary thoughts filled my mind.

My imagination ran wild – and I trembled with trepidation as I wondered what the “rites of initiation” would be like.

Would there be skulls, black magic, weird dances, eerie agonizing initiation rites – or even more macabre rituals – or worse still – something perverted, abnormal, or unnatural...?

“Don’t worry – it is not what you are thinking...” my predecessor said – as if he was reading my thoughts, “You be ready at 6:30 PM in the evening – I will come and pick you up from your house.”

Well – in the evening – I realized that my fears were totally unfounded.

In fact – the so-called “initiation ceremony” turned out to be a damp squib.

I was taken to a rather salubrious, serene and tranquil place to learn meditation.

After the first training session was over – my predecessor said to me: “You keep coming here every morning and evening till you learn how to meditate properly.”

“Aye Aye, Sir...” I said.

“Please take it seriously and learn how to meditate quickly – so that I can be relieved and proceed for my sea time. It is only when the “Guru” rings up our boss and tells him you have learnt how to meditate properly will you be allowed to start coming to office and take over my duties. Please learn meditation fast – so that you can relieve me – and I can go for my “sea time” quickly...” my predecessor pleaded with me.

I enjoyed learning how to meditate – it was a simple method based on breathing.

I learnt how to meditate in three days.

On the third day – the Guru told me that I need not come to him anymore – but I must meditate twice a day at home.

So – in fact – this so-called “initiation” turned out to be quite good for me after all – and I often practice meditation even till today.

But – I liked to practice meditation in my own time – in the mornings and evenings at home – because I felt that – meditation was my personal affair.

However – our boss – the Commodore – did not think so.

For him – meditation was not a personal matter to be practiced in the privacy of your home.

He had institutionalized the practice of meditation – and everyone in the office was meditating away to glory.

Some were meditating individually.

Some were meditating in groups.

And if the boss saw you meditating – then you earned “brownie points”.

For example – let me tell you the story of the officer who had dozed off to sleep after imbibing a generous amount of beer at the customary Friday afternoon Pre-Lunch Drinks (PLD) in the Navy Wardroom.

Guzzling Chilled Beer on a Hot Summer Afternoon has a salutary effect – and so – this officer was in deep sleep at his desk – when the Commodore peeped in with a file in his hand.

The officer sitting next to him panicked and thought: “It seems to be something urgent – or else why would the Commodore come here to our office.”

So the officer at the neighbouring desk tried to wake up the sleeping officer.

“No...” signalled the Commodore with his hands.

Then – the Commodore pointed to the sleeping officer – and – the Commodore admonished the officer who was trying to wake him up: 

“Don’t disturb him. Can’t you see that he is meditating...? When he finishes meditating – ask him to come to my office.”

The Commodore motivated us to meditate in office. 

We were encouraged to meditate singly.

We were encouraged to meditate in groups – especially at lunchtime.

And – once a week – there would be combined group meditation at lunchtime which was compulsory for everyone.

Yes – each and everyone had to attend the group meditation – from the Commodore right down to the office-boy.

The Commodore explained to us that – whereas individual mediation would benefit us individually – “group meditation” would release positive vibes in the entire office – and this would improve interpersonal relationships – and indeed uplift the performance of the entire office.  

This combined group meditation was conducted by the Commodore in the main office hall.

It was during one such combined group meditation session – that suddenly – the Top Boss of R&D – a Vice Admiral – urgently wanted to see the Commodore.

“Sir – no one is picking up the phone in the Commodore’s office...” the Admiral’s Staff Officer said.

“Then you personally go there and call him...” the Admiral shouted.

The Staff Officer returned empty handed and said: “Sir – the Commodore is not in his office. Even his PA is not there. So we don’t know if he has gone somewhere.”

“Then get me some other officer from that directorate...” the Admiral said.

“Sir – there is no officer on his seat...” the Staff Officer mumbled.

“What nonsense...!!!” the Admiral roared.

The angry Admiral stormed out of his office – and he started striding down the corridor – pushing open doors of offices – surprised to find them empty – till he reached the main office hall at the end of the corridor.

The Admiral pushed open the door of the main hall.

For a moment – the Admiral was stunned by the spectacle he saw.

Everyone – officers and staff – men and women – everyone was sitting as if in a trance – eyes closed – in deep meditation.

“Stop this nonsense...!!!” the Admiral roared.

The Admiral’s loud voice broke our blissful trance – and – it is rudely shook us out of our spell of meditation.

Then the Admiral looked at the Commodore with angry eyes – and he shouted at the Commodore: 

“What the hell is wrong with you...? Are you trying to create a “cult” or something...? You come to my office immediately...” 

The Admiral then gave the Commodore a terrible “Bottle” (Navy parlance for “Reprimand” or “Scolding”).

Everyone could hear the Admiral’s booming voice as he shouted at the Commodore using the choicest profanities and Navy style expletives.

That was the end of “institutionalized group meditation”.

However – the Commodore continued to exhort us to meditate surreptitiously in the office whenever we wanted to.

The Commodore did not give up – he kept on trying to convince the Admiral to get “initiated” into meditation.

But then – the Admiral was an elbow-bending “down-the-hatch” booze imbibing Naval Officer of the “old mould” – an Officer of the “Old Navy”.

The grizzly old Admiral believed that – drowning yourself in “spirits” – was a better way to achieve “enlightenment” – rather than – drowning yourself in “spirituality”... 

Yes – he believed that – to achieve a state of “Bliss – imbibing “Spirits” like Rum and Whisky was more effective than indulging in “Spirituality” like Meditation etc...

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Abridged and Updated Version of my article INITIATION RITES written by me Vikram Karve on 23 November 2013 and posted online in my various blogs including in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog Earlier Posted by me Vikram Karve at 11/23/2013 01:25:00 PM  at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/11/humor-in-uniform-crazy-commodore-part-2.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/06/humor-in-uniform-initiation-rites.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/03/humor-in-uniform-rites-of-initiation.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/03/humor-in-uniform-initiation.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/memories-of-navy-babudom-initiation.html