HUMOUR IN UNIFORM
“PORTHOLE STRATEGY”
How to Deal with Inconvenient Orders
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE
NAVY STYLE “PORTHOLE STRATEGY”
Around 39 years ago – in the 1970’s – we had a maverick “Supply Officer” (of the erstwhile S&S Branch) on our ship.
Those days – Supply & Secretariat (S&S) Branch Officers were the self-styled “experts” on all Secretarial matters like office correspondence.
Later the Supply & Secretariat (S&S) Branch was renamed as the Logistics Branch and Supply Officers are now called Logistics Officers.
Why this was done – I do not know – but – the Navy seems to have a penchant for changing names and uniforms.
Getting back to the story – our ship was not air-conditioned.
Yes – our ship was one of the last of the Non-AC ships in the fleet – so this ship had portholes (windows) on the ship’s side – which we always kept open for fresh air and ventilation.
Also – in the 1970’s – there was no internet, no email etc – so all correspondence was on paper by “snail mail” – via the postal service.
If the ship was sailing – which was most often the case – the letters would arrive in “mail bags” – which would chase the ship – and try to catch the ship in the next port-of-call.
Sometimes – it would take a month or so – or even more – for a letter to reach the ship.
One day – as we arrived in a distant port after a long sailing – a mail bag arrived – and among the mail was a letter from Headquarters asking for some inconsequential details – about which everyone in my department seemed clueless.
So – I went to our Supply Officer to seek advice.
“Do you feel the letter is important...?” the Supply Officer asked me.
“No Sir – I don’t think this letter is important – it seems to be a standard “duty watch” type letter issued to all ships in which they are asking for some trivial details from all ships about which I am clueless...” I said.
“Is the letter classified...?” he asked.
“No Sir...” I said.
“Then – just throw the letter out of the porthole...” he said.
“What...? Throw this letter out of the porthole into the sea...?” I said, taken aback.
“Yes – throw it out of the bloody porthole. The way we are sailing – they will wait for at least a month or two for a reply – and maybe – they will forget about it – or they may send a reminder. So – it will take at least two months before the reminder arrives on board. Then – if and when a reminder letter comes – you throw that letter out of the porthole too. By the time the next reminder comes – both you and I will transferred be out of this ship – and our successors will figure out what the letter was all about...” the Supply Officer said.
“Aye Aye, Sir...” I said, happily
“Check again – I hope the letter is not classified...?” the Supply Officer asked me.
“No Sir – this letter is not classified...” I said.
“Good...” he said.
“Sir – I have a question...?” I said.
“Go ahead...” he said.
“Sir – what do we do with such inconvenient and inconsequential letters in case they are classified...?” I asked.
“If the letter is classified – then file it and forget about it...” he elaborated, “File and Forget (“F&F”)...”
I was impressed by the Supply Officer’s Mantra which encapsulated the gist of how to handle inconvenient/inconsequential letters:
“If the letter was unclassified – Throw it out of the Porthole
If the letter was classified – File and Forget...”
I did not have the guts to throw the letter out of the porthole into the sea – and – I had my doubts about whether the Supply Officer was being serious – or – was he just pulling my leg.
So – I buried the letter in a file – and I forgot about it.
Luckily – there was no reminder till I was transferred out of the ship 3 months later.
Soon – all ships were air-conditioned – so this “porthole strategy” probably became obsolete.
Also – the S&S Branch was abolished – and – the S&S Branch merged into the Executive Branch (“X” Branch).
So – after “S&S” was absorbed into the “X” Branch – and all “S&S” officers became “X” officers – such gems of “secretarial expertise” disappeared.
Of course – a few years after the merger of “X” and “S&S” – when some erstwhile “S&S” officers reached high rank and threatened to take over as CNS and CinC (since they were “Executive Officers” now) – in order to obviate this possibility – the “powers-that-be” quickly re-created the S&S Branch in a new avatar – and called it the Logistics Branch – but the new Logistics Branch never had the élan of the erstwhile S&S Branch.
And now – with the advent of internet – and leaps in information technology – the navy may have stopped all paper correspondence and become a “paperless” organisation using e-governance techniques and digital correspondence
I wonder how the “porthole strategy” can be applied to digital correspondence...?
But – I am sure that some tech-savvy geniuses must have found a way to do so – and now – “porthole strategy” must be much easier at the tap of some keyboard keys.
ARMY STYLE “PORTHOLE STRATEGY”
A few years later – I was “posted” to an inter-services organization – dominated by Army Culture.
One day a letter arrived from Army Headquarters.
The gist of the letter was that the “powers-that-be” had taken a “serious view” regarding misuse of “sahayaks” (batmen/orderlies).
The letter stated that “sahayaks” were combat soldiers.
So – “sahayaks” were not to be employed for “demeaning” work and “undignified” tasks.
The letter specified a list of “degrading” tasks for which the use of “sahayaks” was prohibited.
One of the “prohibited tasks” was walking the officer’s dog (dog-walking).
The letter clearly stated that “sahayaks” were not to be tasked with dog-walking the officer’s dog.
Yes – army officers were directed that they should not ask their “sahayaks” to take the officer’s dog for a walk.
If an officer asked his “sahayak” to take his pet dog for a walk – then it would tantamount to misuse of the “sahayak”.
Well – that is what the letter said.
The letter was marked for wide circulation – and – some wisecrack in the office had highlighted the point regarding dog-walking and endorsed: “copy to all dog owners”.
That is how a copy of the letter landed up on my table.
I had a pet dog.
But – being a Naval Officer – I personally looked after my own pet dog and took my dog for walks myself – since I did not enjoy the luxury of a “sahayak” like my army counterparts.
In the evening – when I took my dog out for the customary walk – I expected to see my fellow army officers walk their dogs – in compliance with the directive to army officers that “sahayaks” were not to be employed as “dog-walkers” for officers’ dogs.
But “Lo and Behold” – what did I see...?
The dogs were on their walks – but I did not see any army officer taking his dog for a walk.
It was business as usual
The Brigadier’s Golden Retriever was on his walk with the Brigadier’s “sahayak”.
The Colonel’s Labrador – the Major’s German Shepherd – even the Captain’s Cocker Spaniel – all the “army dogs” were being taken for a walk by their respective “sahayaks”.
Only the “navy dog” was being taken for a walk by his Master (yours truly).
It seemed that the army too followed its own version of “porthole strategy” – to deal with “inconvenient” orders – they just ignored the orders.
VIKRAM KARVE
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1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
1. This story is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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