HUMOUR IN UNIFORM
SQUARE PEG IN A
ROUND HOLE
Short Fiction – An
Apocryphal Story
By
VIKRAM KARVE
Disclaimer:
1. Please read this apocryphal story only if you have a sense of humor. This yarn is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. This story is for mature adults only, so if you are a kid, or an overly gender sensitive type, please skip this post.
3. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)
SQUARE
PEG IN A ROUND HOLE – An Apocryphal Story By VIKRAM KARVE
“J” was an honest,
sincere, upright, straightforward, patriotic, service minded officer.
He
truly epitomized the motto of his alma mater: “SERVICE BEFORE SELF”.
“J” also scrupulously
followed his Academy Honour Code: “I shall not Lie, Cheat or Steal, and I will
not tolerate those who do so”.
In
a nutshell, “J” possessed ideal OLQ
(Officer Like Qualities).
One
day, most unexpectedly, “J” was
posted to a “lucrative” appointment.
Everyone
was surprised.
There
had to be some mistake somewhere.
How
could a morally upright officer like “J”
be appointed to such a “profitable” appointment?
There
were rumors that this most “sought after” appointment was auctioned, or you had
to have heavy pull to get it, or sometimes they gave it to “loyal” officers on
the verge of retirement to enable them to settle down “comfortably” after
retirement.
While
others were surprised, “J” was
aghast on seeing his appointment letter.
“J” was a career
conscious officer.
Till
now, his track record had been perfect.
“J” had done all the
right courses; he had even qualified the prestigious staff college.
“J” had held the best
of appointments – in operations, on staff and in training.
And,
suddenly, out of the blue, this had happened – an appointment to a peripheral organization
which had quite a sleazy reputation.
Were
they trying to sideline him?
Was
it the end of the road for his naval career ambitions?
Had
they put him on a slippery slope?
“J” told his boss to
get the transfer cancelled, saying: “There is no way I am going there. I don’t want
to work in a corrupt organization.”
The
boss looked sympathetically at “J”
and said: “It’s no use. I have already spoken to everyone to have your appointment
cancelled. But orders for your transfer have come from the top. They want an
honest and upright officer to clean up that organization and you have been
handpicked to do the job. So you have to go. I am sure you will be able to sort
out those corrupt buggers and set right matters over there.”
After
“J” left, the boss murmured to
himself: “I only hope that he sorts them out, and that they don’t sort him out
instead.”
“J” reported to his
new assignment, and from day one, he got on the job, setting things right, and
ensuring that everything was done honestly, strictly as per the rules and
regulations.
All
corrupt activities were stopped.
A
few honest vendors and contractors were happy that things had been streamlined
and they did not have to pay bribes anymore as long as they did things
properly.
But
most vendors and contractors, who had got used to profiteering by subverting
the system, were most unhappy, and, as an immediate expression of their
displeasure, they stopped paying the customary “mamool” and the time-honored
monthly “hafta” to the employees of
the office where “J” was in-charge.
Everyone
tried their best to corrupt “J” –
but he would not budge.
When
they tried to bribe him with money, “J”
refused and said: “The salary I get is enough to meet my needs, so I don’t need
any extra money.”
When
they tried to induce him by offering him a flat in a posh township at “concessional”
rates, “J” refused and said: “My
father has left me a bungalow, so I don’t need a house.”
When
they offered him prized bottles of the choicest Single Malt Whisky, “J” refused and said: “I drink Rum –
and I can get as much rum as I want from the canteen.”
They
tried everything – gifts, perks, favors, booze, discounts, kickbacks – but nothing
worked.
His
fellow officers in the organization were worried that “J” was setting a dangerous precedent.
They
feared that if they did not act fast, the “virus of honesty” may contaminate
the entire organization.
So,
they counseled “J” and advised him
not to “rock the boat” and let things go on as they were going on for so many
years.
But
nothing worked, and “J” remained
steadfast in his honesty.
It
was decided to call a meeting to discuss the issue.
Vendors,
Contractors, all the staff of J’s
office, even a rep from the organization’s headquarters, were present.
A
“consultant” (who was an expert on bribery and corruption) was specially
invited.
“We
are all in bad shape ever since “J”
has arrived. All commissions, mamool, hafta,
cuts – all our earnings have stopped. I am finding it impossible to pay my EMIs
of the flat I have booked – had I known that an officer like “J” was coming I would never have
booked that expensive flat. Even day-to-day living has become difficult,” the
No. 2 man in J’s office complained.
“I
have never seen a terrible bugger like “J”
– he just won’t eat money, and does not let us eat money,” someone said, “He seems
incorruptible.”
“No
one is incorruptible,” the consultant said, “everyone has a price.”
“But
we tried everything possible – money, gifts, booze, concessional flat, plot of
land – he doesn’t want anything,” the No. 2 man said.
“He
must have some weakness which can be exploited,” the consultant said.
“I
don’t know whether I should say this?” a young lady, a stenographer, who was J’s secretary, said.
“Say
whatever you have to say. We need to brainstorm,” the consultant said.
“I
have seen him giving me the glad eye when he thought I wasn’t looking,” she
said.
“See
I told you – the bugger has got to have some weakness,” the consultant was exultant,
“so your boss had got a roving eye for beautiful women.”
“I
think so – the way he looks at me with yearning in his eyes,” the steno said
shyly.
An
entrepreneur, who was the main vendor, looked at the steno and said: “Why don’t
you…?”
“Me?
Are you crazy? How can you even say such things?” the steno shouted angrily.
“Don’t
worry. I have handled many such cases. I will make all the arrangements,” the
consultants said, “But we will need some funds…”
“Not
to worry. We will finance everything,” the contractors and vendors said in
unison.
“Now
we have to find an opportune time,” the “corruption consultant” said.
The
No. 2 man looked at the consultant and said: “I think he will be living alone from
Monday onwards. His wife is going away to her mother’s place along with the
children for the summer vacation.”
“Then
what are we waiting for? This is the opportune moment? See – everything is
falling into place. You go ahead and talk to him and I will arrange everything
accordingly,” the consultant said.
Seeing
the confused look on the No. 2 man’s face, the consultant said: “You don’t
worry – I will tell you exactly what you should do.”
On
Monday morning, the No. 2 man entered J’s
office, and after some official discussion, the No. 2 man looked at “J” and slyly said: “Sir, madam has
gone away so you must be feeling lonely. If you want I can arrange some company
for you.”
“Not
to worry,” “J” said, “I have the
company of my books. I plan to catch up on my reading.”
“Sir,
not that type of company – I meant something to fulfill your desires,” the No.
2 man said.
“To
fulfill my desires – what do you mean?” “J”
asked, puzzled.
“Sir,
we can arrange for you have a good time – the best girls, Sir, whatever you
want – models, film stars, college girls, housewives, matured girls, working
girls, virgins, aunties – top class girls, Sir – very discreet, Sir, as per
your choice and taste – Sir, you name it and we will arrange whatever you want.”
“J” could not believe
what he was hearing. He looked at his No. 2 man in stunned silence.
The
No. 2 man broke the silence and spoke: “Sir, if you prefer male – we can
arrange cute boys, macho men….”
“You
get out of here immediately or I will take disciplinary action against you…”
yelled “J”.
“J” looked so angry,
so furious, that it looked like he was going to have a fit, so the No. 2 man
ran away.
EPILOGUE
They
did not succeed in corrupting “J” who
remained scrupulously honest for his entire tenure.
Yes,
“J” proved that he was truly incorruptible.
After
completing his tenure of 2 years without blemish, “J” moved on to his “criteria appointment”.
Then
a sad thing happened.
“J” was passed over
for promotion.
“J” was so devastated
by his supersession that he quit the navy immediately.
I
am happy to report that “J” did
extremely well in his second innings in the “civvy street” and is enjoying
great success in the corporate sector.
Though “J” still feels bad about quitting the
service he loved so much, the fact of the matter is that J’s departure was a greater loss to the service than to “J”.
VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
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About Vikram Karve
A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.
Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramkarve@hotmail.com
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87925
Foodie Book: Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie I am sure that you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
http://www.flipkart.com/appetite-stroll-vikram-karve/8190690094-gw23f9
About Vikram Karve
A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.
Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramkarve@hotmail.com
Twitter: @vikramwkarve
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
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