Food Blogging – How to Rate a Restaurant

FOOD REVIEW 

HOW TO RATE A RESTAURANT 

“Guide” to “Food Reviewers” on “How to Rate Restaurants” 

MY RESTAURANT RATING SYSTEM

A Foodie Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

This happened around 42 years ago – in the 1970’s – during my delightful Mumbai Navy Days – when I served as a young Officer – on a frontline Naval Warship. 

We were sitting in our ship’s wardroom enjoying our first drink of the evening – when some shipmates peeped in and asked me: 

“Hey – we are thinking of going to ‘XXX’ restaurant for dinner. How is the place…?”

“…3 Large…” I said.

My shipmates promptly downed 3 Large Pegs of Whisky each.

Then – they proceeded for dinner to ‘XXX’ restaurant in the heart of Mumbai.

I was – and – I still am – an avid “Foodie”.

During my early Navy days – I was lucky to be appointed on ships based at Mumbai

This gave me great opportunity to explore the culinary delights of the best Foodie City in India. 

NORMAL RESTAURANT RATING SYSTEM

If you have read “Food Reviews” – you will notice that most Restaurant Reviewers rate restaurants on a scale of 1 to 5 – with 5 meaning “Excellent” – 4 (Very Good) – 3 (Good) – 2 (Average) – and – 1 (Poor). 

5 – Excellent

4 – Very Good

3 – Good

2 – Average

1 – Poor

These food reviewers consider various parameters like food, service, ambience etc to rate a restaurant (and some even give sub-ratings for each parameter).

Some food reviewers use “stars” instead of numbers to rate restaurants – but it is basically the same rating system. 

MY RESTAURANT RATING SYSTEM

My restaurant rating system is different. 

I rate restaurants on the number of Pegs of Booze (Rum/Whisky) you are advised to drink – the amount of alcohol you must imbibe – before proceeding to eat food in the restaurant.

Yes: 

I rate restaurants on a scale of “0” to “6” (Zero to Six) – “0” Pegs” to “6 Pegs” – Zero Pegs to 6 Pegs – to be precise.

Of course – the “Peg” referred to is a “Large Peg” – which is “60 ml” of Rum/Whisky.

And yes – this rating mainly applies to Indian Cuisine.

It is my experience that alcohol does not go well with Indian Cuisine which is highly flavorsome.

Alcohol dulls the taste buds – and olfactory sensation – and encumbers the unmitigated enjoyment of good food. 

“0’ PEGS” TO “6 PEGS” RESTAURANT RATING SYSTEM

Let me explain a bit about my “0” Pegs” to “6 Pegs” restaurant rating system. 

As I told you earlier: 

The Restaurant is Rated on the Number of Large Pegs of Booze (Rum/Whisky) you are advised to drink before proceeding to eat food in the restaurant.

At one end of the scale – you have a “0” Large – or “Zero Peg” Restaurant.

“0” Large (“Zero Peg”) Restaurant is one that serves Pristine Food.

If you are going to have an authentic Indian “Pure Vegetarian Thali Meal” prepared hygienically with pure ingredients in clean surroundings – you will ruin the eating experience if you drink alcohol before this pristine food.    

This will therefore qualify for a “0” Large or “Zero Peg” rating. 

It is recommended that you not drink any alcohol before proceeding to such a “Zero Large”restaurant.

At the other end of a scale – you have a “6 Large” Restaurant.

A “6 Large” Restaurant serves hard-core “Trencherman” style food – for which you need to fortified by alcohol – and you require a “cast iron stomach” to digest the food.

“6 Large” Rated Restaurants serve hard-core street-food – like oily spicy greasy mutton curry prepared in most unhygienic earthy manner and eaten in noisy, crowded, polluted, filthy surroundings.

Such “robust” food which requires a “cast iron stomach” to digest and fit only for a seasoned Trencherman – will qualify for a “6 Large” rating. 

It is recommended that you drink 6 Large Pegs of Rum/Whisky before you proceed to such a restaurant.

You have got the drift – haven’t you...? 

“Zero” Large to “6 Large” Restaurant Rating Scale

One end of the scale (“Zero Large”) pertains to delicate refined pristine food to be savoured by the high-falutin Gourmand.

The other end of the scale (“6 Large”) pertains to fiery robust earthy food fit only for a tough Trencherman.

My shipmates were going to a “3 Large” Eatery for Mutton Biryani in the heart of the city.

There was a “2 Large” Eatery nearby too which served a more “refined” biryani.

And – of course – there were a few “5 Large” street-joints where you got earthy “Kababs” and “Bheja” dishes too.

In my entire life – I have rated only one eatery with the top “6 Large” rating – and I have never dared to go there again.

Of course – I have eaten in many ‘pristine’ restaurants which qualified for a “Zero Large” rating.

“ZERO LARGE’ to “6 LARGE’ RATING FOR HOME COOKED FOOD

I have observed that the “Zero Large” to “6 Large” Food Rating Scale works for “Home Cooked Food” too.

After success with restaurants – I started applying my “Zero” Large to “6” “Large” Rating System” – whenever someone called me home to dinner.

Those days – I was known to be a passionate drinker. 

Yes – I was a true “drunkard”.

We had been invited to dinner at a friend’s place.

My friend was surprised when I declined his offer of my favourite “Rum-Pani” drink.

“You don’t want a drink…? What’s wrong with you…?” my friend asked me. 

I said to my friend:

“Nothing is wrong with me. 

Your wife is truly an excellent cook. 

I visited the kitchen – and I have seen in the kitchen all the delicious dishes she has made for dinner. 

So – I don’t want to spoil my eating experience by drinking alcohol which dulls the taste buds. 

Your wife’s cooking has the best “Zero Large” rating...” 

This is what I told my friend. 

My friend’s wife had overheard our conversation. 

“What do you mean by “Zero Large” rating...?” my friend’s wife asked.

I explained my “Zero” Large Pegs to “6” Large Pegs” restaurant rating system – and I said to her: 

“Ma’am – I saw you cooking food in the kitchen – and – you seem to cook so well – that your food deserves the topmost “Zero” Large Peg rating. So – I don’t want to ruin my eating experience by drinking Rum and dulling my taste buds…”

She glowed with pride and happiness.

Another friend’s wife overheard our conversation.

She gave me an angry look.

She had called us for Dinner a few days ago – and I had downed “5 Large” Pegs of Rum at her place before daring to sample her cooking.

In fact – after tasting her “mutton curry” – I had insisted on “one more drink” – to facilitate swallowing the terrible food down my gullet (esophagus).

Ha Ha – it was truly a mutton curry worthy of a “6 Large” rating…

So – Dear Foodie: 

The next time I ask you to rate a restaurant – please don’t give me numbers – just say anything from “Zero Large” to “6 Large” – say – “3 Large” – or – “4 Large” – and I will know how many Large Pegs of Rum/Whisky to imbibe before I go to eat in that restaurant.

Moot Question:

You may ask me: 

“Why do you limit the restaurant/food rating to “6 Large”...? Why have an upper limit of “6 Large” Pegs of Booze...?”

My answer is simple.

“6 Large” pegs is nearly half a bottle of Rum/Whisky.

If you drink more than “6 Large” pegs of Rum or Whisky – after drinking so much alcohol – your senses will be totally dulled – and the taste buds on your tongue will hardly be able to discern the taste of the food you are eating. 

Dear Foodie Friends: Happy Eating – and – “Hic” – make sure you imbibe the appropriate number of pegs of booze as per the restaurant rating – before you proceed for eating out in a restaurant...

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This article is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

This article was written by me Vikram Karve in May 2015 and posted earlier in this blog at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/food-review-how-to-rate-restaurants.html and re-posted at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/07/food-review-guide-art-of-restaurant.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/12/how-to-review-restaurants-navy-style.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/07/humor-in-uniform-memoirs-of-navy-foodie.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2017/10/food-reviews-my-restaurant-rating-system.html etc

Food-Walking : Healthy Exercise For All Ages

I love food.

I love walking.

So – I love food-walking.

Let me tell you some memoirs of foodwalking from my wonderful Mumbai days.

Here is the first story...

“FOODWALKING” – A HEALTHY EXERCISE FOR ALL AGES 
Ramblings of a “Retired” Navy Veteran 
By
VIKRAM KARVE 

In my younger days – in school, college and my early days in the Navy – I played active sports for exercise.

Later – my exercise comprised less physically strenuous activities like swimming, jogging, brisk walking/hill climbing etc.

When I crossed my mid-40’s – and landed up in Mumbai more than 18 years ago – in the early part of the year 2000 – when I was around 45 years of age – I started my “foodwalks”.

I had two “foodwalks” every day: 

1. The first foodwalk in the morning from 6 AM to 7:30 AM 

2. The second foodwalk in the evening from 5 PM to 7 PM 

(On Sunday mornings I had a super-long “foodwalk” which started at 6 AM and sometimes extended upto 9 AM or even 10 AM) 

These “foodwalks” had various stages:

1. First – after a warm up brisk walk – I jogged on Marine Drive for around 3 kms till the end of Chowpatty.

2. This was followed by a brisk walk.

On weekday mornings – I would walk back to Stadium Restaurant at Churchgate for a Bun Maska, Bun Omlette or Kheema Pav and Refreshing Irani Chai 

And – on Sundays – it was a super-long foodwalk to Noor Mohammadi Hotel near Bhendi Bazar for Nalli Nihari – or to Vinay Lunch Home near Thakurdwar in Girgaum for Misal. 

In the evenings – when I had more time at my disposal – my foodwalks would be more exploratory.

I would take new routes every day – and – I would explore new eating places – starting from Colaba and Cuffe Parade in the South – to various places in Central Mumbai like Grant Road, Byculla, Mohd Ali Road, Crawford Market, Girgaum, Kalbadevi, Chowpatty etc – wherever my legs would take me.

3. So – it was first a brisk walk – then a “replenishment halt” for food – and – after the “replenishment halt” – it was a leisurely walk back home – fully satiated – and – stomach full and morale high.

Retirement is a big comedown – and – my glorious “foodwalks” came to an end.

However – I have decided to revive my “foodwalks” again – and this morning I went on a long “foodwalk” – culminating in a “frugal” vegetarian breakfast.

During this rather lacklustre foodwalk – I remembered my most memorable foodwalk in Mumbai.

So – let me delve into my Foodie Archives – and pull out this “memoir” for you to read...

MOUTHWATERING MUMBAI MEMORIES

I enjoyed the 6 Best Years of My Life in Mumbai – six glorious years from the years 2000 to 2006.

During these six best years of my life, I lived in EMPRESS COURT – my all time favourite home – the best house I have ever lived in during my entire life.

I wish I could have had my retirement home in that lovely neighbourhood, or nearby, but then, can an honest naval officer afford a house in South Mumbai?

Maybe a Merchant Navy Officer can afford a house in “So Bo” (South Bombay) – but if you have spent your life honestly serving the nation in the “Fauji” Indian Navy – forget about Mumbai – you will not be able to afford a home in the heart of Pune – and you would probably have to settle down in some faraway suburb like Wakad or Baner or Kharadi – or in one of those military veteran “fauji ghettos” like Mundhwa, Kondhwa or Mohammadwadi where most retired service officers have settled down.

But in your mind’s eye – you can always hark back – and relive your “good old days” with nostalgia. 

That is what I did on this lovely morning – during my foodwalk – I reminisced about my glorious Sunday Morning “Food Walks” in Mumbai.

Let me tell you about my memorable Sunday mornings in Mumbai.

UNFORGETTABLE MUMBAI FOOD WALK

NALLI NIHARI at BHENDI BAZAAR

Mouthwatering Memories of an Early Morning Food Walk followed by a Sumptuous Nourishing Breakfast

By 
VIKRAM KARVE 

I love good food.

I am a foodie – I am certainly not a snobbish “high-falutin fine-dining foodie” – but I would rather describe myself as a simple Trencherman.

As I said, I love good food.

And I love walking around searching for good food. 

So, whenever I get an opportunity, I set off on my frequent “food walks” searching for good food.

It was in “maximum city” Mumbai that I enjoyed my best food walks.

Let me tell about one of my favourite food walks – a fulfilling early morning food walks culminating in a nourishing breakfast.

 

This is probably my first piece of Foodie Writing. 

I wrote this in the year 2000 – more than 18 years ago – after returning from one of my food walks.

So – Dear Reader – here are some mouthwatering memories of a glorious early morning food-walk in Mumbai culminating in a wholesome breakfast.

EARLY MORNING FOOD WALK IN MUMBAI : Mouthwatering Memoir by Vikram Karve

I start early – at dawn – from my house near Churchgate.

I admire, in the early morning pre-sunrise light, the impressive silhouettes of the magnificent Gothic structures of the High Court and Mumbai University across the Oval.

I hear the clock on Rajabai Tower strike 6 AM (0600 Hrs).

I walk briskly past Oxford Bookstore, KC College and CCI towards Marine Plaza Hotel.

Then I cross the Marine Drive, turn right and start off towards Chowpatty.

I greet with a smile the morning joggers and walkers and rinse my lungs with the fresh invigorating sea breeze.

I walk briskly on Marine Drive. 

Soon I am past Marine Lines, Taraporewala Aquarium, Charni Road, Chowpatty, Wilson College – and after the brisk vigorous walk of about 30 minutes I break out into a slight sweat as I reach the northern end of Marine Drive.

 

Here I ponder for a moment. 

 

Should I turn left up the Walkeshwar Road to Teen Batti and Banganga? 

 

Or should I turn right towards Babulnath?

 

Or should I turn back towards Nariman Point? 

 

I experience a sense of true freedom. 

 

I can make whatever choice I want and go wherever I desire. 

 

That’s freedom!

 

I choose to cross the road, and walk fast, straight up the steep path towards Hanging Gardens on Malabar Hill – trying to exercise my heart and lungs. 

 

I take a round of garden atop the water tank near Kamala Nehru Park (is it now called Phirozeshah Mehta Udyan?). 

 

Then I canter down to Kemp’s Corner where I turn right – a U-turn really – past Crossword Bookstore – and I walk down Hughes Road.

I turn left past Gamdevi towards Nana Chowk and I cross the railway over-bridge and keep going onto Grant Road past Novelty Cinema.

Then I turn right at Delhi Durbar on Falkland Road – reach VP Road – walk past Gol Deval, Alankar cinema – and soon I am at Bhendi Bazar.

My destination Noor Mohammadi Hotel is right in front of me across Mohamedali Road.

 

Almost two hours of brisk walking has built up in me a voracious appetite and I am ready to devour a sumptuous breakfast. 

 

I am hungry. 

And I eat only when I am hungry.

 

I enter Noor Mohammadi Hotel, a Spartan no-nonsense eatery, and order a Nalli Nihari and Roti.

Nalli Nihari is a pure ghee version of Mutton Nihari cooked with bones filled with marrow. 

 

Within a minute a bowl of piping hot gravy, with a generous chunk of succulent meat floating in it, and a fluffy khaboosh roti is placed in front of me. 

 

I dip a piece of the soft roti in the spicy rich gravy, let it soak for a while, put it in my mouth and close my eyes to luxuriate in and relish the gastronomic experience in its entirety.

 

I can feel the juicy gravy soaked roti melting on my tongue, releasing its delicious flavours and spicy aroma which permeate into my soul. 

 

I am in seventh heaven and keep on attaining higher states of sheer heavenly bliss with every succulent bite of the mouth watering concoction.

They say that Nalli Nihari is a mutton bone marrow and wheat gravy – but I don’t delve too much on the contents of a dish.

It’s the taste, delicacy, eating experience and ultimate divine feeling of satiation that matters.

 

It is a delectable beginning to a delightful day as the luscious taste of the delicious Nalli Nihari lingers on my tongue indefinitely. 

 

Yes, it is epicurean satiation of the highest order – a blissful experience I can never forget.

Here is a picture of Nalli Nihari 

(Today – I click and post foodie pictures using my smartphone – but since this happened more than 18 years ago when there were no smartphones – I will take the liberty of posting a picture of Nalli Nihari – freely available on the internet – from Wikimedia Commons, the free media repository, file url: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Nalli_Nihari.JPG  )

Nalli Nihari

Dear Reader – if you happen to be in Mumbai – and – you are ready for a sumptuous non-vegetarian breakfast – take a brisk stimulating food walk early in the morning – and – begin your day with Nalli Nihari at Noor Mohammadi in Bhendi Bazar. 

 

I assure you that it will be a fortifying and stimulating experience.

 

Don’t forget to tell us how you enjoyed the food-walking experience.
 

But – remember one thing. 

If you want to truly appreciate this splendid Heritage Gourmet Trencherman’s Breakfast Dish to its fullest – you must build up an appetite for it. 

Yes – if you really want to enjoy good food – you must build up an appetite for it.

And – what better way to build up an appetite than a brisk long walk in fresh air – aka – “Food Walk”

Happy Walking. 

Happy Eating. 

Happy Food-Walking.

Remember – in order to enjoy your food – first build up an appetite – and then satiate it.

Yes – remember the “FOOD-WALK DICTUM”:

First build up an appetite – then satiate it 

First – “WALK WALK WALK”

Then – “EAT EAT EAT”

Once more – let me wish you Happy “Food-Walking”.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

Revised and Updated Version of the Article Written by me Vikram Karve 18 years ago in the year 2000 and First Posted on my Foodie Blog by me Vikram Karve at url: http://creative.sulekha.com/heritage-cuisine-by-vikram-karve-a-sumptuous-breakfast_146309_blog  and  http://food.sulekha.com/a-hearty-breakfast-in-the-heart-of-mumbai-id21759-39642-recipe.htm   and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/12/mouthwatering-mumbai-memories-food-walk.html and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/foodwalking-healthy-exercise-for-all.html