Psychological Manipulation and Emotional Abuse
GASLIGHTING
Musings
By
VIKRAM KARVE
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Gaslighting – Part 2
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CRITICISM
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When people criticize you – it may be for two reasons:
1. They are giving you feedback – to help you improve.
2. They are trying to “gaslight” you – to demoralize you.
So – when someone criticizes you – you must think and analyze why they
are criticizing you.
You must ascertain their motive for criticizing you.
If they are giving you feedback – you must take their criticism in the
right spirit.
But – if they are “gaslighting” you – you must be cautious not to fall
prey to their machinations.
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GASLIGHTING
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“Gaslighting” means trying to convince you that you are wrong – even
when you are not wrong.
The aim of gaslighting is to make you feel guilty about something that
you don’t need to feel guilty about.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which the “Gaslighter” tries
to manipulate your emotions and makes you feel guilty about something that is
not your fault.
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Here is an apocryphal story – an illustrative example of the art of
“gaslighting”.
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STORY
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A wife has an extra-marital affair.
Ethically, morally and legally – the wife is clearly at fault – because
she has betrayed her husband and violated the sanctity of marriage.
The wife is guilty of infidelity. However – she turns the tables on her
husband and “gaslights” him – she distorts the narrative to make it appear that
it is the husband who is at fault for her infidelity. She accuses her husband
of neglecting her and not satisfying her emotional and sexual needs – and – she
blames her husband for driving her into another man’s arms.
If the wife is successful in “gaslighting” her husband – he will feel
that it is his fault that his wife had an extra-marital affair.
The cuckolded husband will feel guilty for no fault of his – when – in
fact – it is the wife who should be feeling guilty – since – it is she who has
been unfaithful and betrayed her husband and violated the sanctity of marriage.
By “gaslighting” her husband – not only does the wife succeed in
“justifying” her wrongdoing – but she makes her husband feel guilty for no
fault of his – when it is actually him who is the “victim” – and – it is his
wayward straying wife who should be feeling guilty for her misdemeanor and
apologizing to him for her transgression.
The vice versa can also happen.
An adulterous husband may “gaslight” his wife into believing that is her
fault that her husband had an extra-marital affair – that she did not sexually
“satisfy” him – and so – she drove her husband into another woman’s arms.
If you observe relationships – you will see many examples of “gaslighting”.
You may have seen old films in which a “barren” wife was made to feel
guilty for being unable to have children when actually the problem was with the
husband who was sterile.
You may observe instances of “gaslighting” everywhere.
Teachers are “gaslighted” if their students don’t do well in exams or if
students don’t study properly.
Teachers are told that they can’t teach well – and so – their students
have performed badly – when – it is the students who should be admonished for
their poor performance.
Parents are “gaslighted” for the wrongdoings and misconduct of their
children – even after their children become adults and are responsible for
their own conduct and behaviour.
Parents are “gaslighted” that they did not bring up their children properly.
I once observed parents being blamed for the divorce of their daughter.
The phenomenon of “gaslighting” is prevalent in work environments too.
At work – while “gaslighting” most commonly happens in boss-employee
relationships – it can happen regardless of hierarchical structure – in peer
relationships amongst work colleagues – or even in subordinate-superior
relationships – where juniors “gaslight” their senior.
I saw plenty of “gaslighting” in the Navy – starting from cadet training
academies – on ships – and in workplaces – even at senior levels.
Sometimes – on entry into a training academy – an innocent naïve cadet may
be subjected to harsh bullying and “gaslighting” – he may lose his
self-confidence – and result in his questioning his own ability and self-worth.
Most recover from “gaslighting” – but some who may not be so mentally
robust may be traumatized for life.
Gaslighting may make you lose confidence in yourself – it may cause you to
doubt your own abilities – you may start blaming yourself when there is no need
to do so.
If you are gaslighted about your appearance – you may actually start
believing that you have some flaw – that you are “ugly”.
A person experiencing gaslighting may become confused, withdrawn,
anxious, or defensive about the abusive person's behavior.
A “Gaslighter” uses controlling behaviour to manipulate his victims –
the goal of the “gaslighter: is to make his victims doubt themselves.
Gaslighting abuse causes a person to lose their sense of identity,
perception, and worth (you lose your self-confidence, self-esteem and sense of
worth)
You are convinced that you are wrong – when – in fact – you are not
wrong.
You feel guilty about things that there is no need to feel guilty about.
You think it is your fault when actually it is not your fault.
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GENESIS OF THE TERM “GASLIGHTING”
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The term "gaslighting" comes from a 1938 play called Gas
Light.
Gas Light is a 1938 Victorian thriller written by the British novelist
and playwright Patrick Hamilton.
Hamilton's play is a dark tale of a marriage based on deception and
trickery – where a husband committed to driving his wife insane in order to
steal from her.
The play was adapted to the big
screen as two films – both titled “Gaslight”—a 1940 British film and a 1944
American movie.
(Gas-Powered Lights were used before
the advent of Electrical Lights – and – and “Gaslight” refers to the artificial
light produced by burning gas)
Many years after the stage-play
was written – writers began denominalizing the play’s title.
(“denominalization” is the act of
converting a noun into a verb – the noun “gaslight” is used as a verb – to “gaslight”
someone)
Till then – “gaslight” or “gaslighting” were rather obscure esoteric terms – they
became a part of English lexicon much later.
Taken from the context of the
play – to “gaslight” someone – or – “gaslighting” – is a colloquialism that
loosely means to manipulate a person or a group of people in a way similar to
the way the protagonist in the play (Bella) was manipulated.
In the play and subsequent films (titled Gaslight) the protagonist’s
husband intentionally works to make her believe she can no longer trust her own
perception of reality.
One tactic he uses to drive this confusion is turning down the
gas-powered lights in their home so they flicker throughout the house.
When she asks him why the lights are flickering – he denies they are
flickering at all – and he suggests that it is all happening inside her head –
she is imagining things.
Over time – the “villain” (overbearing husband) – he psychologically
manipulates his wife into a state where she begins to doubt herself.
The aim of the husband is to gradually convince his wife that she has
become insane.
For more – I suggest you watch the film which is freely available
online.
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EPILOGUE
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Gaslighting involves two parties – the “gaslighter” – who persistently
puts forth a false narrative – and – the “gaslighted” – who struggle to
maintain their individual autonomy.
In my next part of this series on “gaslighting” – from my observations
and experiences – in school, in college, in the Navy, and, in personal life – I
will discuss how you can spot when someone is trying to “gaslight” you and
strategies to not fall prey to “gaslighting”.
Sometimes – “gunnysacking” is used as a tool by the gaslighter to
gaslight you.
Gaslighting may give rise to the “imposter syndrome” in the
victim.
A victim of gaslighting may start experiencing the “imposter syndrome” –
which is characterized by a pervasive feeling that you are a fraud or
incompetent – even when you are highly accomplished.
I will discuss all this in part 3 of this series on Gaslighting.
Dear Reader:
Links to my blogs on gunnysacking and gaslighting part 1 are given below
for you to click and read.
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To Be Continued in Part 3
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Gunnysacking : https://karve.wordpress.com/2021/10/07/complaining-is-better-than-gunnysacking-2/
Gaslighting Part 1 : https://karve.wordpress.com/2021/12/19/gaslighting-a-story/
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VIKRAM KARVE
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