Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Humor in Uniform - “STEALING AFFECTIONS” FAUX PAS - Paying the Price of Altruism

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

“STEALING AFFECTIONS” FAUX PAS
A Bizarre “BELIEVE IT OR NOT” Story
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE

I have often paid a price for my altruism due to my “helpful nature” – especially towards “damsels in distress”.

Here is a hilarious story  from my “Humor in Uniform” archives  to cheer you up on this bright Wednesday morning.

This happened more than 20 years ago, in the 1990s...


“STEALING AFFECTIONS” FAUX PAS – A Bizarre Story By VIKRAM KARVE
 

Mrs. X desperately wanted to have a baby.

Mrs. X was married for 10 years.

She and her husband tried very hard to have a baby, but unfortunately she never got pregnant.

Then  suddenly  one day  at a party  Mrs. X announced that she was pregnant.

Everyone congratulated her.

My wife congratulated her too.

Mrs. X looked at my wife, and said: “It is thanks to your husband that I am pregnant.”

My wife was shocked on hearing this.

She was struck dumb – speechless – stunned into silence.

Then Mrs. X looked lovingly at me  and then, in a most affectionate voice, Mrs. X said to me: “Thank you so much for you cooperation. Had it not been for you  I would never have got pregnant.

“What…?” my wife stammered  trying to recover her wits.

“Yes,” Mrs. X said to my wife, “had it not been for your husband, I may never have got pregnant.”

My wife gave me a fierce look, and then she said to me: “I am not feeling too well – let’s go home.”

We, my wife and I, excused ourselves from the party  and we walked out of the officers’ mess towards our scooter.

“You cheat. How could you do this? Who the hell do you think you are – some sort of Stud Bull impregnating wives of fellow officers,” my wife was livid.

“It’s not like that…” I pleaded.

But my wife interrupted me, and she said, “The way Mrs. X is yapping – if this gets around – they will throw you out of the Navy for stealing the affection of a brother officer’s wife – and what will we all do then – starve – and it will be such a disgrace – so shameful – just think of the terrible repercussions it will have on our children – and how could you do this disgraceful thing – I never imagined that you would ever cheat on me…”

“Will you keep quiet? It is nothing like that. Please hear me out. Will you please let me tell you the truth? You just blindly believed what Mrs. X said. Don’t you want to hear the real story?” I begged my wife.

“It better be a convincing story – otherwise I am going to my mother’s place tomorrow,” my wife delivered her ultimatum.

Here is the story I told my wife.

Firstly, let me tell you that this happened at a prestigious inter-service training institution.

Now, in the navy  an officer is a “jack of all trades” and employed on all sorts of jobs during his career – on ships afloat  and made to do multifarious tasks ashore  where the variety of jobs is even more diverse.

It is the rare lucky officer who is perfectly dexterous at all the jobs – but in most cases  you are good at some jobs – and not so good at some jobs.

I have the gift of the gab  and I am academic by nature too  so I had a natural flair for teaching – which was my job at the training institution where I was teaching faculty.

For “X” (husband of Mrs. X) it was exactly the opposite.

“X” had absolutely no aptitude for teaching.

Now “X” was a very bright officer – he was professionally competent  and he had performed other jobs very well  but teaching just wasn’t his cup of tea.

Teaching in-house courses is one matter  but teaching a postgraduate course in engineering was no joke  especially where student officers had to appear for external university examinations, competing with fresh young engineering graduates.

And “X” was having a very tough time since the students were very demanding  since they wanted the entire syllabus to be covered meticulously  which was a must if they wanted to do well in the university exams.

“X” hated teaching  and he had tried his best to avoid this instructional appointment.

But there is a mistaken belief that a good student makes a good teacher.

And since “X” had topped this very same postgraduate course a few years ago  the powers-that-be had sent him down here to teach the same course.

Hey  I seem to have digressed  so let me come down to the actual story.

Every evening  after my evening walk in the sprawling verdant campus  I would spend some time reading in the officers’ mess library.

On most evenings  Mrs. X would be there in the library too.

Mrs. X seemed to be fond of reading  just like me.

In the evenings  most other wives of her age would be busy playing with their young children in the park.

But since Mrs. X had no children  she preferred to spend her evenings in the library.

Our common interest in literature got us to be friendly  and sometimes  after our reading session  I would walk her home  which was on the way to my house.

One evening  while we were walking home  Mrs. X suddenly said to me: “I want to make a personal request to you – in the strictest confidence.”

“I will be glad to help if I can,” I said, taken aback.

“Can you take my husband’s classes?” she asked.

I was a bit baffled at her strange request.

“You want me to take your husband’s classes?” I asked, puzzled.

“Yes. Can you take my husband’s classes? Please?” Mrs. X asked me again.

“Yes  I can take his classes  but I am already very overloaded,” I said.

“I know. You are taking three subjects and he is taking only one in this semester. But he said you have the capacity to take all four subjects,” she said.

I was quite perplexed at her strange request  so I did not say anything.

Mrs. X looked at me and she said: “I’ll be very frank with you. We are desperately trying to have a baby – there is some complex fertility treatment going on too – but my husband gets so stressed out at night that…”

Maybe she felt a bit embarrassed  so Mrs. X paused for a moment  and then she continued speaking: “My husband spends the whole night studying books and anxiously preparing his lectures – he is so nervous about teaching – he feels so tired and stressed out – and day by day it is getting worse – he is never in the mood – and my clock is ticking…”

I nodded.

She smiled unspoken thanks.

Next morning  on my table  I saw a file. 

It was the leave application of “X”

“X” had applied for 60 days leave.

I observed that on the noting sheet “X” had written that I had agreed to do all his instructional duties.

I committed in writing on the file that I would perform all his instructional duties and endorsed the noting sheet.

A few hours later, the phone rang  it was the Dean.

“You have committed to take the lecture load of “X”. Are you sure you can manage? I see that as it is you are heavily overloaded – now you will have to take lectures almost the whole day,” the Dean said.

“I will manage, Sir,” I said to the Dean, “please let “X” go on leave – he has urgent domestic commitments of a passionate nature. 

“Passionate? Did you say passionate?” the Dean asked, with surprise in his voice.

“Sorry, Sir – slip of the tongue – I meant compassionate – “X” has an urgent domestic commitment of a compassionate nature,” I said.

“Okay. I am granting “X” his full 60 days annual leave – but you make sure that you take the lectures properly,” the Dean said.

And then – around 3 months later  a few days after “X” and Mrs. X came back from their fructuous sojourn – we had this party where Mrs. X committed the faux pas which put me in this most unenviable situation with my darling wife.


EPILOGUE

Now  Dear Reader  this is the real reason why Mrs. X told my wife: “It is thanks to your husband that I am pregnant.”

Thanks to her “Faux Pas” – my wife did not believe me then – and I doubt she believes my story even now.

Dear Reader – do you believe the story I told you – or do you think I am spinning a yarn – telling you a tall story.

I am not a “Stud Bull” – I do not steal affections – I am a simple altruistic person  believe it or not. 

VIKRAM KARVE
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Disclaimer:
1. This blog post is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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