Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Humor in Uniform – ART OF IMAGE MISMANAGEMENT – A Spoof

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

ART OF IMAGE MISMANAGEMENT
A Spoof

Adult Fiction
By
VIKRAM KARVE 



PROLOGUE

There is a saying in the Navy: 

If you want to know the true character of an officer – ask his course-mates.


Seniors will have one view of an officer – juniors will have another view – but it is his peers who will know the officer inside-out – especially his course-mates who have seen the officer from close quarters from academy days.

So – if you want to know about me – what type of Naval Officer I was – please ask my Navy Course-Mates – or ask my shipmates who are of roughly of my seniority  who were my peers in uniform.

However  in the Navy  as far your career prospects are concerned – your character does not matter much.

It is your image (spoken reputation) which matters most.

This is because – unfortunately – in the Navy – your course-mates do not write your all-important ACR (Annual Confidential Report) which is the be-all and end-all Performance Appraisal Report in the Defence Services.

Your ACR is written by your seniors – known as superior officers” in the Navy.

And – as far as your superior officers” are concerned – they will mark your ACR depending on how they perceive you (your image).

So – in a nutshell:

Image replaces Performance.

This dictum is very true in the Navy.

The key to career success is Image Management.

Unfortunately for me – for no fault of mine – owing to series of happenings beyond my control – in the Navy – especially as far as my senior officers were concerned – I developed a rather notorious“ image.

And once you are branded with an notorious image – fate conspires in such a way – that it is a downhill spiral all the way.

Even good deeds boomerang – as this story illustrates.

Dear Reader – before you start reading this story – please make sure that your sense of humor is still intact – this yarn is a spoof  pure fiction  just for fun and amusement  no offence is meant to anyone  so you must take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. And, yes – this story is for mature adults only  so if you are a kid  or an overly gender sensitive type  please skip this story.

I am sure you have heard of the three vices: “Wine Women and Horses”

Now here is a story about “Wine Women and Officers”.

(Instead of “horses” we have “officers” – yes, officers in lieu of horses  as they say in the Navy).

The “wine” in the story is not really wine – it is something much stronger – liquor – booze – an alcoholic spirit called RUM.

This happened long back – more than 20 years ago – so you must take yourself back in time – relax – and enjoy this story in a leisurely manner.


“DRAMATIS PERSONAE” (MAIN CHARACTERS)

There are a few women in the story  but there is only one “main character” – the “heroine” of the story – a beautiful “Nubile Nymph” – let us call her “N”.

The other women in the story are side characters  like “extras” in a movie.

And as far as the male protagonists are concerned – there are four naval officers in the story:

“C” – The Horny Commodore with a Roving Eye who has the hots for “N” (the “Nubile Nymph”)

“A” – The Ambitious Husband of our “Nubile Nymph” called “N”

“S” – The maverick neighbour of “A” and “N”

To describe “S” in a nutshell – well, let’s say that “S” is more interested in “Wine” rather than “Women”

And, of course, the 4th protagonist is Me – yours truly.

Yes – I am the 4th protagonist in this story – the narrator  who is going to tell you the story.

Let’s start with “N” – the heroine.

As I told you – we had nicknamed her “Nubile Nymph”

But in actual fact she was neither “nubile” (she was very much married) nor was she a “nymph”.

Now – before you start getting wrong ideas  let me tell you that in actual fact “N” was no sex maniac – she was just a tease – she acted seductive and sexy just to arouse the Horny Commodore.

Yes  “Nubile Nymph” “N” was a tease – from time to time she gave the Horny Commodore the “come hither look”  which got him all excited.

From the moment she had met him  Nubile Nymph “N” had observed that the Horny Commodore “C” had a roving eye.

“N” had instantly noticed that “C” had the “hots” for her.

“N” knew that she was sexually attractive and that most men were mesmerized by her.

If “N” had wanted  she could have had the Horny Commodore on a platter.

Yes – “C” was going crazy about “N”  desperately waiting for an opportunity to “steal her affections”. 

But “N” was not interested in romancing with the Commodore.

“N” was not at all interested in having a full-fledged affair with “C”.

She was interested in furthering her own husband’s career.

“N” knew that in the Navy, a wife’s status depends on her husband’s rank

“N” knew her husband’s limitations.

Her husband “A” was quite a mediocre type as compared to his competitors.

But “N” had neutralized all that by enticing the Horny Commodore “C” by her tantalizing charms.

“N” teased the Horny Commodore “C”  she titivated for him, wearing sexy outfits   and gave him impish looks  and flirted with him  just to keep his hopes alive.

“N” had succeeded in doing this for the last one year – her efforts had ensured that her husband “A” had got the best possible performance appraisal  what they call in the Navy a thumping ACR  from “C”.

Now “N” knew that she had to continue to keep the fires burning in the Horny Commodore’s loins till the Horny Commodore “C” wrote her husband’s next ACR just before the promotion board.

“N” was clear about her strategy.

Once her husband was promoted  and they moved on  there would be a new boss who she would have to work on  to mesmerize and bring under her spell.

Meanwhile  the Horny Commodore “C” was going crazy.

He had heard wild rumours about stealing affections, wife swapping, swinging and key-chain parties  but all those fantastic orgies lay in his imagination – since in his actual life  he had never seen anything like that happening.

But now things seemed to be looking up  and the way “N” was tempting him  his hopes had been kindled.

The Horny Commodore “C” desperately wanted to have a go at the Nubile Nymph “N”  but he did not have the guts to go ahead.

Of course, in his imagination “C” had wild fantasies about himself rollicking with “N”.

But, in actual life, “C” was unable to realize his fantasies with “N” because he was shit scared of his own lawfully wedded wife who was a shrew and a real tough cookie.

The Horny Commodore’s wife knew of her husband’s proclivity for beautiful young women, especially his officers’ wives, and that is why she kept an eagle eye on him – she let his eye rove a bit, but kept him in firm check.

She let him give Nubile Nymph the “glad eye”, she let him flirt with “N”, but otherwise she kept him on a tight leash.

Metaphorically speaking, the Horny Commodore’s situation was akin to a drooling dog desperately yearning for a bitch in heat but unable to go ahead and mount her as he is held back firmly on leash by the master.

I told you about “C” (the Horny Commodore).

I told you about “N” (the Nubile Nymph).

Now let me tell you about “A” – the husband of “N”.

There are two types of ambitious officers in the navy.

The first type take their naval careers seriously from the moment they join the navy.

The second type comprise carefree bachelors  who suddenly turn ambitious the moment they get married.

“A” was of the second type.

His wife “N” was the driving force behind him  as far as his career was concerned.

“A” was quite happy with what “N” was doing.

“A” knew that it was thanks to his wife N’s efforts that he “A” had become the Commodore’s blue eyed boy.

The Careerist Officer “A” knew that his ambitious wife “N” would help him reach great heights of success.


THE STORY

Now that I have told you about the characters  let me begin to tell you the story.

It was a Monday evening  my non-drinking day  and I was walking along the banks of the lake  enjoying the resplendent spectacle of the orange sun being swallowed up by the calm blue waters.

My reverie was disturbed by “A” who suddenly came behind me  almost dashing me with his scooter.

He wanted some training handbook.

“Hey, I am on my evening walk. The book is in my house. I will give it to you tomorrow in office,” I said.

“I want it urgently to prepare for tomorrow – I have a lecture in the morning,” he said, “I had gone to your house, but your wife told me you would be here.”

Irritated, I went with “A” on his scooter to my house.

I asked “A” to wait outside, and went inside, to my study, to get the book he wanted.

I was disappointed to see him sitting in the drawing room – my darling wife had invited him in.

I gave “A” the book he wanted.

Meanwhile, my wife had got him a glass of water, and asked him whether he would like to have a cup of tea.

“A” looked at his watch, looked at me, and said, “Tea? It’s already past sunset – let’s have a drink.”

“It is my non-drinking day,” I said rudely.

“So what? You can surely offer your guest a drink,” my wife said, giving me a rude look of disbelief at my atrocious social graces and bad manners.

I made him a rather stiff drink of Rum.

“How about you?” he asked.

So, just for appearances I poured myself a very mild drink of rum and water.

Though I enjoyed my drinks  especially Rum-Paani – the fact was that I was not in the mood for drinking on that day  especially in the company of “A”.

I noticed that “A” was drinking quite fast – he had already finished his first drink  so I poured him one more.

“A” gulped down his second drink too – fast – down the hatch.

I poured him one more.

I was amazed at the speed at which “A” was drinking.

“A” was drinking as if it was his last day on earth.

Meanwhile  as was his habit  “A” was bumming my cigarettes too  lighting up cigarette after cigarette.

“I am enjoying myself,” “A” slurred, drinking and puffing away, “my wife does not let me smoke, she does not let me drink, she keeps nagging me – now I am really enjoying myself…”

Suddenly, the cigarette dropped from his lips and sweat broke out on his forehead.

I knew the signs – “A” was drunk.

In fact  he was heavily drunk.

I wondered what to do.

But before I could do anything – suddenly – “A” got up swiftly  he staggered out of the house  and he started his scooter and drove off.

I noticed that “A” was driving his scooter in a meandering fashion  like a sinusoidal wave.

“Go fast,” my wife said, “see that he reaches home safely.”

I took my scooter, started it, and started driving towards his house.

There was no trace of “A” or his scooter.

Suddenly  I heard a voice calling out to me.

It was “S” – who was the next door neighbour of “A”.

“S” was walking on the road  on his way to the officers mess bar  for his daily evening drinking session  when he saw “A” driving his scooter into a ditch.

As far as drinking alcohol was concerned  “S” enjoyed a much better reputation than me.

If I was a “drinker”  then “S” was a “drunkard”.

But right now  “S” was dead sober.

I stopped my scooter.

We went down into the ditch and saw that “A” had passed out  he was dead drunk.

Luckily, he was not injured.

We  “S” and me – we both hauled up “A”  and we dragged him up the slope.

“His scooter is still down there,” I said.

“S” said: “Sir, let the scooter be there – I will send someone to retrieve it in the morning.”

“Shall we take him to the MI Room? It is best we call the doctor too,” I asked.

“S” looked at “A” and then he said to me: “He is not hurt much – just a few bruises – let’s take him home – anyway Doc stays in our block – if required, I will call him.”

So, we mounted “A” on my scooter – me in front, “A” in between, and “S” behind holding tightly the limp and lifeless “A”.

It was a most difficult scooter drive – as the dead drunk “A” swung from side to side with “S” desperately clinging on.

Finally  we reached our destination.

It was not even 8 o’clock  and there was quite a big crowd outside the block.

A birthday party was just over  and lots of children  and their parents  officers and their wives – they were all standing there  chit chatting  before they went home.

We  “S” and me – we both lifted the dead drunk “A” on our shoulders  “S” taking the left arm of“A” – with the right arm of the inebriated “A” over my shoulders.

Dear Reader – please try to picture the scene.

Officers, wives, children, servants – all of them watching us carrying a totally intoxicated dead drunk “A” towards his house.

Suddenly  Nubile Nymph “N” came out on her first floor balcony.

Obviously  she was shocked to see her husband “A” in this pitiable drunken state  being carried by “S” and me – we both being the two known acknowledged “drunkards” of the place.

Some officers came to help us  and we carried the totally intoxicated “A” up the stairs  and we deposited him on his bed.


GETTING THE BOTTLE

Next morning  the Horny Commodore “C” called me to his office.

“C” was furious.

“I know “S” is a bloody drunkard  but I did not expect you to do this,” he shouted.

“Sir, please listen…” I pleaded.

“C” interrupted me and started shouting, “Why did you force drinks on “A” and get him drunk? Do you know how upset his wife is? She was so distressed that she rang me up at night and I rushed to her place. You buggers had got “A” so badly drunk that he was puking all over the place and I had to call the doctor. I am very disappointed with you – and as far as “S” is concerned…”

“Sir  “S” wasn’t even there. It was “A” who came to my house. It was “A” who asked me for a drink and then got drunk – in fact, it was my non-drinking day – you can ask my wife – and then when “A” fell off the scooter  it was “S” who helped him out  Sir  it is “A” who is the real culprit – not “S” or me...” I said.

“Don’t give me bullshit,” the Horny Commodore “C” shouted, “I know buggers like you. And I know your bloody dirty game – get a husband drunk and …”

“Sir, please don’t insinuate …” I interrupted angrily.

Seeing my angry tone  “C” held his tongue.

I looked at “C” and said to him, “And, Sir  by the way  your blue eyed boy “A” is not a baby who can be forced to drink by thrusting a nipple into his mouth…” 

Then I angrily left his office without saluting.

That evening  I sat with “S” in the bar.

As we enjoyed our drinks and we laughed at the whole episode.

It was “A” who had behaved like a jackass – and it was we  “S” and me  who got a bad name.


EPILOGUE

Out of the three of us  “A”“S” and me  who do you think was most successful in his naval career?

You guessed right.

While “S” and me fell by the wayside  it was “A” who reached high rank  duly propelled upwards in his career by his ambitious wife “N”.

And yes  the Horny Commodore “C” is probably still desperately yearning for Nubile Nymph “N” – even after his retirement.

VIKRAM KARVE
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Disclaimer:
1. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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