Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Humor in Uniform - EVERYONE IS NOT NAKED IN THE BATHROOM

I am sure you enjoyed reading my “Memoir” titled HAMAM MEIN SAB NANGE HAIN  (Everyone is Naked in the Bathroom) – the previous post in my blog at url: 

Here is Part 2 of the Story  – HAMAM ME SAB NANGE NAHIN HAIN (Everyone in Not Naked in the Bathroom)

Continued from Part 1 – HAMAM MEIN SAB NANGE HAIN  (Everyone is Naked in the Bathroom)

HAMAM ME SAB NANGE NAHIN HAIN
(Everyone is Not Naked in the Bathroom)
Hilarious Memories of My Unforgettable Navy Days
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE

HAMAM ME SAB NANGE NAHIN HAIN – a Spoof by VIKRAM KARVE

The best thing about this ship was the Executive Officer (XO), an aviator with a cheerful temperament and friendly nature, who never pulled rank and took everyone along – he also happened to be the PMC – and the result was that, despite the hardships, we had a very happy wardroom, and this cordial atmosphere percolated to the lower decks as well.

The XO did not demand any special privileges, he had quite a laissez faire approach to work, and he would happily join us in the “Is Haman Mein Sab Nange Hain” combined bathing sessions.

You may say that I am generalizing, and you may not agree with me, but in my opinion, aviators make the best XO’s on ships.

On my earlier ship too, it was like a breath of fresh air when an aviator replaced a most painful nit-picking XO.

Aviators came on board ships for their “mandatory sea tenure” and then went back to flying. 

So they wanted a happy sea-time and did not harass the crew.

Accordingly, after spending one year on board our ship, our aviator XO went back to his first love, aviation duties, and the Captain changed too.

The new XO, a Communicator, was a namby-pamby wimp, and, like most communicators, he was a smooth-talking pernickety pain in the arse.

“He is a bloody prick,” said an officer who had served with the XO on an earlier ship.

“You mean prig?”

“I mean “prick” – P R I C K,” he spelt it out.

“Okay let’s say he is a priggish prick.”

Soon it was unanimously agreed that the new XO was a “priggish prick”, but since he was more of a “prick” than a “prig”, everyone called him “prick”.

The new XO found fault with everything, and worse, he blamed his predecessor, the well-liked aviator XO, for being too lenient and spoiling the crew.

A constipated, frustrated “killjoy”, the new XO tried his best to make life as painful as possible.

Though small in stature, light in weight, and effeminate in appearance, the new XO feigned a rather amusing spectacle as he tried to pull rank and throw his weight around trying to demonstrate that he was the second-in-command of the ship.

This snobbish posturing may have worked elsewhere, but it cut no ice on this ship which had a hardened crew.

Ever since he had arrived, the XO had started a running battle with the Flight Commander over OOW and OOD duties.

Though the Flight Commander was a qualified watchkeeper, by convention, he did not do watchkeeping duties on this ship, and the other Executive Officers did not seem to mind.

However, the new XO embarked on a holy crusade to “teach him a lesson” and get the aviators to do watchkeeping duties, and indeed the new XO wanted to teach everyone a lesson, especially us from the earlier crew.

Someone said that the XO was an Air Force grounded cadet, sent to the Navy, and because of this, he hated all pilots, since he had failed to be one.

One evening, during a longish sailing, feeling grimy without a bath thanks to the strict water routine due to the perpetual shortage of water, I was sitting in my cabin finishing some paperwork.

“You want to have a hot water bath?” the Flight Commander said, peeping into my cabin.

“Hot water bath?” I said, surprised, looking at the Flight Commander, who looked freshly bathed and smelt of soap.

“Go quickly to the bathroom. The fresh-water-tanky will be waiting for you with a bucket of hot water. After you finish your bath, ask him to get another bucket of hot water for Guns – I’ll tell Guns.”

“You got water with you on the helo or what?” I asked.

He laughed, and said, “Come on, don’t be crazy. The hot water bucket was meant for “prick” – I hijacked it.”

“What the bloody hell? “Prick” is bathing in hot water when others don’t even get a drop of water to drink?”

“After Guns finishes, we’ll tell Senior – I wonder if he knows what’s happening?”

As usual, there had been a strict water routine in this sailing too, so who could refuse the offer of a bath – and that too the luxury of a hot water bath.

So, I rushed to the bathroom.

The fresh-water-tanky was standing by with a bucket of hot water.

The moment he saw me in a towel, his face dropped, and the fresh-water-tanky pleaded, “Sir, the water routine is only in the morning. Sir, this water is meant for the XO. Flight Commander took one bucket, now you will have a bath?”

“Have you taken permission from Senior Engineer?” I shouted.

“No, Sir – XO asked me not to tell anyone.”

“From where have you got the hot water?”

“I got it from the galley, Sir.”

“After I finish, go and get one more bucket for the Gunnery Officer,” I said, “and get one more for the Senior Engineer.”

“Sir, what about the XO – there will be no water left,” the hapless fresh-water-tanky pleaded.

“The XO can do dry cleaning. Now go and get water for Guns and Senior,” I ordered him.

The XO was waiting in his cabin for the fresh-water-tanky to “report readiness” to him.

After some time, the XO got impatient.

So, the XO walked down to the officers’ bathroom.

As usual, the XO was properly turned out (in an officer-like manner) wearing a bath-robe.

The XO opened the door of the officers’ bathroom.

The sight that he saw totally startled him.

Two totally naked hairy scary hulks, Guns and Senior, were bathing away to glory.

Magnanimously, they invited the XO to join them.

The XO beat a hasty retreat.

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
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Disclaimer:
1. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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