HUMOUR
IN (AND OUT OF) UNIFORM
MY DELHI “BABU IN
UNIFORM” DAYS - Part 4
SCIENTIST
“Z”
An
Apocryphal Story
By
VIKRAM
KARVE
Disclaimer:
1. Please read this story only if you have a sense of humour. This is a
spoof, a work of fiction. So first convince yourself that you have a sense of humour
and only then read the yarn, take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. No offense is meant to anybody.
2. This story is a fictitious yarn. It is a work of fiction. The
characters do not exist. The characters and incidents are purely imaginary. Any
resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
NB:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any
means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information
storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog
Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram
Karve - all rights reserved
Continued from my Delhi
“Babu in Uniform” Days Series:
Part
1 - MANAGEMENT THOUGHTS
Part
2 - INITIATION
Part
4 –
SCIENTIST “Z”
(NB: This apocryphal story
happened more than 30 years ago)
After
successfully completing my “initiation” I reported for my first day of duty as
a “Babu in Uniform” to push R&D files.
I reached
my office dot on time, at exactly 9 AM.
The moment
I entered my office I saw a man sitting inside.
I noticed
that he had picked up the phone and was dialing a number.
From the
way he was dressed, I thought he was a peon or conservancy staff, and maybe he
was trying to misuse my official phone for his personal calls.
Despite my
being in uniform, he seemed to be ignoring me and continuing his phone call.
I got
angry.
I roughly took
the receiver from his hand and put it back on the instrument.
Then I
told him in Hindi to get out of my office.
The man
stood up and said in English: “Talk to me properly. I am a Scientist “F”…”
“Scientist
“F”? Must be equivalent to a bloody Leading
Seaman, or at most a Petty Officer,” I thought in my mind.
So I
gestured with my fingers and told him in English to get out of my office.
But the
man wouldn’t budge.
In fact,
he again sat down on the chair.
I lost my
temper.
I raised
my voice and using typical profane naval language told the guy to “bugger off”.
(It may
not be apt to tell you the exact swear-words, expletives, four-letter words and
navy style profanities I shouted at him)
The man
was taken aback and he quickly disappeared from my office.
A few
minutes later a smartly dressed civilian entered my office.
He was my
direct boss, the joint director, who I had met only fleetingly when my
predecessor had introduced me to him in the director’s office before my “initiation”.
“Good
morning, Sir,” I wished him.
“Good
morning,” he said.
“Sir,
please sit down,” I said.
He pulled
a chair, sat down and said, “Everything okay?”
“Yes, Sir,”
I answered.
“There is
a thoroughly shaken up person sitting in my office. He’s almost had a nervous
breakdown. He says that you abused him in filthy language and bullshitted the
hell out of him. What happened?” the joint director asked.
I told him
the full story and added, “Just imagine, Sir. What an impertinent bastard – he
is just a bloody piddly Scientist “F” and
he was behaving as if he was a Scientist “A”
or “B” or something…! So I let
him have it, nice and proper, and threw him out.”
The
civilian joint director burst out laughing, and said to me: “Tell me, what do you
think I am?”
I looked
at him, quite clueless.
The civilian
joint director looked at me and said, “I am also a Scientist – you tell me what
grade you think I am?”
I looked
at him and thought to myself, “Surely he could not be a Scientist “A” – if so, he would have been the
director, or maybe even higher. At most, he could be a Scientist “B” or more likely a Scientist “C”…”
It was
better to err on the safer side, so I said to him, “Sir, you must be Scientist “B” … or a very senior Scientist “C” …”
“I am a
Scientist “E” …” he said.
“You are
an “E”…!” I exclaimed in surprise.
“In
R&D everything is topsy-turvy. In academics, grade A may be higher than B which
is higher than C and so on, but here
everything is ulta-pulta – in reverse
order – so Scientist “F” is higher
than Scientist “E” – do you
understand?” he said.
“Oh, shit,”
I said.
“The guy
you bullshitted is a Senior Scientist “F”
– equivalent to your Navy Captain or Commodore.”
“Sir, I am
sorry. Should I apologize to him?” I said.
“Relax,”
the joint director said, “on second thoughts I feel that you did the right
thing – sitting here in Delhi I think that this is the best way to deal with
those buggers from the Labs who come here and disturb us. Now that you have earned
a reputation, let it spread, and no one will bother you here.”
I sat in
silence, feeling relieved.
The joint director
got up to leave and as he walked to the door, he turned around and said, “And
by the way, there is no Scientist “A”
– the R&D alphabet starts with “B”
– Why? Don’t ask me!”
EPILOGUE
At first I
thought that Scientists were dumb in having a reverse order of alphabet
hierarchy.
But later
I realized that the “Boffins” were much smarter than everyone thought.
During
those days the senior-most rank was Scientist “F”.
Soon they
created a Scientist “G” – then Scientist
“H” – and they can endlessly go on
and on creating more and more ranks – Scientist “I”…“J”…“K”…“L”…“M”…“N”… – all the way down the alphabet till
they create a Scientist “Z” who may outrank
everyone in the military hierarchy and civilian bureaucracy.
You never
know, but the way their ranks are proliferating, these canny “Boffins” may one day even
claim that Scientist “Z” outranks
the President.
VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
NB
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
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About Vikram Karve
A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.
Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramkarve@hotmail.com
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87925
Foodie Book: Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie I am sure that you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
http://www.flipkart.com/appetite-stroll-vikram-karve/8190690094-gw23f9
About Vikram Karve
A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.
Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramkarve@hotmail.com
Twitter: @vikramkarve
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
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