Old Age Woes – Will You Have to Depend on the Kindness of Strangers...?

This evening – while on my evening walk – I remembered this story I had written almost 7 years ago in January 2012. 

Sadly – the protagonist of this story – Mrs. J – she passed away a few years ago. 

OLD AGE WOES
Do You Depend on the Kindness of Strangers...?
Musings of a Veteran 

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

Pune (Circa 2012) 

Sometime ago – during my early morning walk – I passed by Mrs. J’s house. 

I saw J – an 84 year old widow – struggling to walk in her garden. 

I wished J good morning – and I asked her how she was. 

She answered: 

“I depend on the kindness of strangers.”

For a moment – I was speechless. 

Then – slowly – I let her words sink in – and perambulate in my mind – “I depend on the kindness of strangers” – and – these words struck a chord. 

I was transported back in time – more than 37 years ago – to the year 1981 – if my memory serves me right – when I had seen the play called A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE which had a lasting impression on me. 

I witnessed a performance of the indigenous Indian Production of this 1948 Pulitzer Prize winning masterpiece by Tennessee Williams at the Kamani Auditorium in New Delhi directed by Alyque Padamsee with terrific performances by Dalip Tahil as Stanley Kowalski and Sabira Merchant as Blanche DuBois. 

I still remember the heart-rending scene – when – after being totally destroyed by Stanley, while being taken away to a mental asylum, a shattered Blanche holds onto the doctor’s hand and says: 

“Whoever you are – I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”.

Though the context in the play is different – I realized the universal all-encompassing truth encapsulated in those profound words – which were spontaneously uttered by the old lady J – who I am sure has not read or seen the play “A Streetcar Named Desire”.

As I observe in Pune – I realize that there are so many senior citizens living alone – so many old people who “depend on the kindness of strangers” – especially in the middle-class. 

In most cases – their children live abroad in the USA pursuing their American Dream – while their parents live a life of loneliness awaiting their deaths back home in India. 

Also – I notice that the longevity of women seems to be more then men – since there are far more senior citizen widows who heavily outnumber the widowers.

Before you blame the “ungrateful and selfish children” for “abandoning” their “hapless” parents – I think you must consider the fact that there are always two sides to a coin (or two “points of view” in every story).

MIDDLE CLASS DREAMS

Let me give you a bit of a background.

In the 1960’s and 1970’s – I lived in a “middle-class” locality in Pune – where parents had two dreams:

1. First – their son must get into an IIT and go abroad to USA to realize the American dream and achieve “success”.

2. Second – they must get their daughters married to a “successful” American NRI so that she too could go the USA to live a life of prosperity and happiness there.

Many such parents – like the old lady J – achieved their dreams.

And – they are paying the price today.

Even today – I see so many parents who are desperate to send their kids abroad for higher studies and to settle down there. 

In the earlier “pre-globalization pre-liberalization” days prior to 1991 – it was difficult to go to America unless you graduated from an IIT or topped from a premier University. 

Today – it is much easier to go abroad for studies or for work. 

Post liberalization – in the globalized world of today – if you are willing to spend your money – you can easily go for higher studies abroad – or you can go there via the “IT Route” – by first going abroad to work onsite – and then sidestepping into a job over there in America.

This is the main reason why there is a beeline for jobs in the IT/ITES industry – it is the easiest way to migrate overseas.

Then or now – the fact of the matter is that it is the parents themselves who encourage and monetarily facilitate their children to go abroad.

Parents inculcate ambitious values that create in the minds of their children the urge to migrate to America or some other prosperous country for a “better life”.

So who is to blame – the parents or the children?

I ask the old lady “J” : 

“Why don’t you go and live with your son or daughter in America...? Have they refused to take you there...? Are your children unwilling to have you live with them...?”

“No – not at all. Far from it...” the old lady says, “my children want me to live with them over there and keep calling me to relocate permanently to America and stay with them in the US. I have gone there so many times – but I don’t want to live there with them in America. I don’t like it over there.”

I am puzzled. 

It seems very strange. 

Why should the old lady prefer to live a difficult lonely life out here in India – full of hardship – when she can live a comfortable life of luxury in America with the best of facilities and healthcare – and in the company of her children and grandchildren...?

Why do so many senior citizens prefer to live alone in India and depend on “the kindness of strangers” – when they can enjoy the evening of their lives by migrating abroad to live with their NRI children and exulting in the love and care of their near and dear ones...?

Is it ego? 

Is it something else? 

Is there some other reason?

I don’t know. 

I don’t have the answer. 

Do you?

If you do have the answer – or wish to share your views on this subject, please comment and let us know.

And – you better start thinking – about the evening of your life – when you become 70 or 80. 

In Old Age – you have to decide from these 3 Choices:

1. Do you want to live with your children...?

2. Do you want to live alone...? 

3. Do you want to live in an old age home (retirement community) which has assisted living facilities and where you will be well cared for and looked after...?

Remember – if you choose the second or third choice above – you will be dependent on the kindness of strangers.

Think about it.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This article is just “food for thought”, my musings, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt.

2. While planning your old age – please do your own due diligence. 

3. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

Do Women Treat Daughters and Daughters-in-Law Differently...?

Sometime ago – I met a lady at a family get-together. 

The lady’s daughter-in-law was dutifully following her all around – like the lamb in the nursery rhyme “Mary Had a Little Lamb”  

“Of course my son and “daughter-in-law” stay with me in our house – I believe in the Joint Family System...” the lady said – when someone asked the lady where her daughter-in-law lived. 

A few minutes later – I met the lady’s daughter and her husband (son-in-law of the lady).

I knew her “in-laws” – they lived in Sadashiv Peth. 

I asked the lady’s daughter: 

“So – how is Sadashiv Peth...? I lived there in the 1960’s when I was a small boy...” 

“I don’t live in Sadashiv Peth – I live in Aundh...” the lady’s daughter said. 

“Oh – so your “in-laws” have shifted to Aundh...?” I asked. 

“No – my “in-laws” stay in the same old bungalow in Sadashiv Peth – but I stay with my husband in our flat in Aundh...” she said. 

Later – I asked the lady: 

“So – your daughter doesn’t stay with her “in-laws”...?” 

“No. No. My daughter lives in her flat in Aundh. I advised my daughter to stay separately – so she can enjoy her freedom – her “in-laws” are very old-fashioned – especially her mother-in-law – she will make my daughter’s life hell...” the lady said. 

I smiled to myself at her double-standards and hypocrisy: 

The “Joint Family System” was good for her daughter-in-law 

but 

The same “Joint Family System” was not good for her daughter

And – I remembered a story I had written sometime ago.

Sometimes – Truth is stranger than Fiction – or rather – there is a very thin line between truth and fiction.

Read on...

JOINT FAMILY versus NUCLEAR FAMILY 

HYPOCRISY – A Story of Double Standards

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Part 1

JOINT FAMILY

“Is everything okay...? You don’t look well...” I said to the “Techie” girl in my office.

“I am okay, Sir – I am just feeling tired, that’s all...” she said.

“Tired…? Well – work has just begun…”

“My tiredness is not work-related, Sir…”

“Tell me – what is the matter…?” 

She said: 

“Sir – for me – it’s the long commute to work that wears me out – it takes me nearly 2 hours to get here to Hinjewadi from Kharadi.

And Sir – in the evening – you know how bad the rush hour traffic is in Pune – it sometimes takes me 3 hours to get home. 

And then – even at home – there is so much work to do in the house – cooking, housework etc 

I have to cook in the morning – and then again in the evening – sometimes I feel that I will collapse due to the exhaustion…” 

I said:

“Why don’t you shift nearby…? 

There are plenty of flats available in Wakad – just a 10 minute drive from Hinjewadi. 

You will easily get a good 2 BHK flat on rent well within your HRA – and it will be convenient for your husband too – his factory in Chinchwad is also a 10 minute drive from Wakad. 

In fact – there are some flats available for rental in my society – I will ask around – or – if you want – you can even buy your own flat in Wakad – I will find out…” 

She said: 

“Thank you, Sir – but my “mother-in-law” will not allow us to stay separately…” 

“Really…? Why…?” I asked her. 

She said: 

“Sir – my “mother-in-law” says that she believes in the “Joint Family System”…”

Part 2

NUCLEAR FAMILY

Three years later – I met the same “mother-in-law” – yes – the very same mother-in-law of my erstwhile “Techie” colleague.

She was the same woman who believed in the “Joint Family System”.

By the way – I had changed my job – and – I was now working for another “IT Software Company” – also located in Hinjewadi.

Call it coincidence – but the woman’s daughter had recently joined my new company.

And – like her “daughter-in-law” – her daughter was also a “Techie”.  

It was the company anniversary function.

The woman’s “Techie” daughter had come along with her husband – and she had also brought her mother and father along. 

The woman smiled at me. 

(She was the same woman who was the “mother-in-law” of my earlier colleague – and – the mother of my present colleague) 

I introduced myself. 

I told the woman that I had earlier worked with her “daughter-in-law” in my previous office. 

I said to the woman:

“So – like your “daughter-in-law” – your daughter too must be having a tough time commuting to work to Hinjewadi from the city every day…” 

The woman said: 

“No – my daughter lives in Wakad…” 

I said: 

“Oh – your daughter lives nearby in Wakad...? 

So – her “in-laws” – your daughter’s “in-laws” – they live in Wakad – is it...? 

The woman said: 

“No – her “in-laws” live in their house in Model Colony – which is too far from her office…” 

I was baffled.

The woman made her “daughter-in-law” commute every day from Kharadi – which was 30 kilometers away from Hinjewadi – whereas Model Colony was only 15 Kilometers from Hinjewadi. 

Yes – Kharadi was much further away from Hinjewadi – than Model Colony – where her daughter’s “in-laws” lived. 

So – I said to the woman:

“Model Colony is not that far away from Hinjewadi…”  

The woman said: 

“Actually – it is not that. 

I did not want my daughter to stay with her “in-laws” – they are too “old-fashioned”

So – so I told my daughter and her husband to buy their own flat and stay separately…” 

Surprised at her answer – I said to the woman:

“But – I thought that you believed in the “Joint Family System” 

Didn’t you make your “daughter-in-law” stay with you as a “Joint Family”…?” 

The woman said: 

“That is different…” 

I was astonished – so I asked the woman: 

“Different…? 

What do you mean “different”…? 

You force your “daughter-in-law” to stay with you as a “Joint Family” 

But – you tell your daughter to live separately from her “in-laws” as a “Nuclear Family”…? 

I just don’t understand your views. 

Do you believe in the “Joint Family System”...? 

Or – do you believe in the “Nuclear Family System”...?

Please tell me clearly – do you believe in “Joint Family System” or “Nuclear Family System”...? 

The woman said to me:

“You won’t understand these things…” 

And – she quickly walked away. 

EPILOGUE 

Yes – I don’t understand these things – I just don’t understand the hypocrisy.

As a “mother-in-law” – she believed in the “Joint Family System” 

She wanted her “daughter-in-law” to live under her command – and – she expected her “daughter-in-law” to serve her... 

She did not want to give her “daughter-in-law” any freedom...

But – as a mother – she believed in the “Nuclear Family System” 

She wanted her daughter to live separately from her “in-laws”

She wanted her daughter to enjoy her freedom ...

I don’t understand why women have “double standards” – one yardstick their “daughters-in-law” – and – another yardstick for their own daughters. 

Dear Reader: 

Please tell us what you have observed around you. 

Do Women treat Daughters and Daughters-in-Law differently...? 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This fiction story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Abridged and Revised Version of my Story HYPOCRISY posted online earlier by me Vikram Karve on January 25, 2016 in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/01/hypocrisy.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/02/joint-family-versus-nuclear-family.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/06/family-humor-joint-family-versus.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/mother-and-mother-in-law-dr-jekyll-and.html