Old Age Woes – Will You Have to Depend on the Kindness of Strangers...?

This evening – while on my evening walk – I remembered this story I had written almost 7 years ago in January 2012. 

Sadly – the protagonist of this story – Mrs. J – she passed away a few years ago. 

OLD AGE WOES
Do You Depend on the Kindness of Strangers...?
Musings of a Veteran 

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

Pune (Circa 2012) 

Sometime ago – during my early morning walk – I passed by Mrs. J’s house. 

I saw J – an 84 year old widow – struggling to walk in her garden. 

I wished J good morning – and I asked her how she was. 

She answered: 

“I depend on the kindness of strangers.”

For a moment – I was speechless. 

Then – slowly – I let her words sink in – and perambulate in my mind – “I depend on the kindness of strangers” – and – these words struck a chord. 

I was transported back in time – more than 37 years ago – to the year 1981 – if my memory serves me right – when I had seen the play called A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE which had a lasting impression on me. 

I witnessed a performance of the indigenous Indian Production of this 1948 Pulitzer Prize winning masterpiece by Tennessee Williams at the Kamani Auditorium in New Delhi directed by Alyque Padamsee with terrific performances by Dalip Tahil as Stanley Kowalski and Sabira Merchant as Blanche DuBois. 

I still remember the heart-rending scene – when – after being totally destroyed by Stanley, while being taken away to a mental asylum, a shattered Blanche holds onto the doctor’s hand and says: 

“Whoever you are – I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”.

Though the context in the play is different – I realized the universal all-encompassing truth encapsulated in those profound words – which were spontaneously uttered by the old lady J – who I am sure has not read or seen the play “A Streetcar Named Desire”.

As I observe in Pune – I realize that there are so many senior citizens living alone – so many old people who “depend on the kindness of strangers” – especially in the middle-class. 

In most cases – their children live abroad in the USA pursuing their American Dream – while their parents live a life of loneliness awaiting their deaths back home in India. 

Also – I notice that the longevity of women seems to be more then men – since there are far more senior citizen widows who heavily outnumber the widowers.

Before you blame the “ungrateful and selfish children” for “abandoning” their “hapless” parents – I think you must consider the fact that there are always two sides to a coin (or two “points of view” in every story).

MIDDLE CLASS DREAMS

Let me give you a bit of a background.

In the 1960’s and 1970’s – I lived in a “middle-class” locality in Pune – where parents had two dreams:

1. First – their son must get into an IIT and go abroad to USA to realize the American dream and achieve “success”.

2. Second – they must get their daughters married to a “successful” American NRI so that she too could go the USA to live a life of prosperity and happiness there.

Many such parents – like the old lady J – achieved their dreams.

And – they are paying the price today.

Even today – I see so many parents who are desperate to send their kids abroad for higher studies and to settle down there. 

In the earlier “pre-globalization pre-liberalization” days prior to 1991 – it was difficult to go to America unless you graduated from an IIT or topped from a premier University. 

Today – it is much easier to go abroad for studies or for work. 

Post liberalization – in the globalized world of today – if you are willing to spend your money – you can easily go for higher studies abroad – or you can go there via the “IT Route” – by first going abroad to work onsite – and then sidestepping into a job over there in America.

This is the main reason why there is a beeline for jobs in the IT/ITES industry – it is the easiest way to migrate overseas.

Then or now – the fact of the matter is that it is the parents themselves who encourage and monetarily facilitate their children to go abroad.

Parents inculcate ambitious values that create in the minds of their children the urge to migrate to America or some other prosperous country for a “better life”.

So who is to blame – the parents or the children?

I ask the old lady “J” : 

“Why don’t you go and live with your son or daughter in America...? Have they refused to take you there...? Are your children unwilling to have you live with them...?”

“No – not at all. Far from it...” the old lady says, “my children want me to live with them over there and keep calling me to relocate permanently to America and stay with them in the US. I have gone there so many times – but I don’t want to live there with them in America. I don’t like it over there.”

I am puzzled. 

It seems very strange. 

Why should the old lady prefer to live a difficult lonely life out here in India – full of hardship – when she can live a comfortable life of luxury in America with the best of facilities and healthcare – and in the company of her children and grandchildren...?

Why do so many senior citizens prefer to live alone in India and depend on “the kindness of strangers” – when they can enjoy the evening of their lives by migrating abroad to live with their NRI children and exulting in the love and care of their near and dear ones...?

Is it ego? 

Is it something else? 

Is there some other reason?

I don’t know. 

I don’t have the answer. 

Do you?

If you do have the answer – or wish to share your views on this subject, please comment and let us know.

And – you better start thinking – about the evening of your life – when you become 70 or 80. 

In Old Age – you have to decide from these 3 Choices:

1. Do you want to live with your children...?

2. Do you want to live alone...? 

3. Do you want to live in an old age home (retirement community) which has assisted living facilities and where you will be well cared for and looked after...?

Remember – if you choose the second or third choice above – you will be dependent on the kindness of strangers.

Think about it.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
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Disclaimer:

1. This article is just “food for thought”, my musings, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt.

2. While planning your old age – please do your own due diligence. 

3. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

     

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

Is Longevity a Curse...?

Earlier – I thought that longevity was a boon. 

Now – after seeing the plight of elderly senior citizens – in their 80’s and 90’s – especially old lonely infirm widows waiting for death – I am beginning to change my views – and – I feel that longevity is more of a curse than a boon. 

All this made me remember a story I had written 2 years ago – in July 2014 – after a visit to an uncle.

LONGEVITY – A BOON or A CURSE

Musings of a Retired Mind

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Sometime ago – I visited a distant relative – an uncle.

I had last met him around 35 years ago – when I was a young navy bachelor – and – I used to visit his house in Mumbai – where he worked and lived.

Now – he was 75 years old – and he was living in Pune.

He was not in the best of health – he was a heart patient – he had undergone an open heart surgery a few years ago – he could not hear properly – he was almost deaf – and he had the usual old age ailments like knee pain, blood pressure etc.

His wife – 72 – a diabetic – was not in the best of health too.

They had two daughters – 50 and 48 – both married and settled abroad in America (USA) – and 4 grandchildren – all in their 20’s.

“Why don’t you live with your daughters in the US...?” I asked.

“We did,” the old man said, “we used to visit our daughters often – and – after I retired 15 years ago – we even relocated to America and we had decided to stay in the US permanently – but we had to come back to India.”

“You had to come back to India...? Why...?” I asked.

“To look after my mother-in-law...” he said.

“You came back to look after your mother-in-law...?” I asked, surprised.

“Yes. My mother-in-law is bedridden and she is sleeping in the other room. She is 93 years old. My wife is the only child – and there is no one to look after her mother as she was widowed long back – and her only brother died 10 years ago. We cannot even take her with us to America because – even if they do allow it – my bedridden mother-in-law is in no condition to travel abroad. We are stuck here. Do you know that we haven’t visited our daughters in America for the last 10 years because we can’t leave my mother-in-law alone...? So – our daughters come here once a year to visit us. And – as you can see – even we are not in the best of health...” my uncle said.

“It must be very demanding looking after your mother-in-law...?” I said.

He said angrily: “Demanding...? I am so fed up – that I am just waiting for her to … ”

I looked up and I saw why my uncle had interrupted his sentence – his wife had come in with the tea tray.

On my way home – I thought about it.

Till what age are you expected to look after your parents...?

Earlier – parents died in their 60’s and 70’s – when their children were still working – at least before the children retired.

But now – with increasing longevity – with many people living well into their 80’s – and even into their 90’s – and – you are expected to look after your parents even when you yourself have retired and become a senior citizen – and you need to be looked after.

Yes – you have to look after your parents at a time when you yourself need to be looked after. 

Senior Citizens are expected to look after “Super Senior Citizens”.

Like my uncle and his wife – who themselves were 75 and 72 – and – despite their old age and poor health – they were required to look after the 93 year old mother-in-law.

So – even in your old age – you may have to look after your parents and in-laws.

And – like in my uncle’s case – if your children migrate abroad – there will be no one to look after you in your old age if you remain in India. 

This makes me wonder:

Is Longevity a Boon...?

Or – is Longevity a Curse...? 

EPILOGUE 

I wrote this story 2 years ago in July 2014.

My uncle’s mother-in-law passed away one year ago in 2015.

“Liberated” from the “shackles” of looking after the old woman – my uncle and his wife have gone abroad to live with their NRI children who are well settled in the US.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. These are my personal views based on my observations. The reality may be different. This is just food for thought and should be taken in the right positive spirit.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

  

Revised Re-post of my article posted by me online earlier at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/07/longevity-boon-or-curse.html

NRI CHILDREN – ASSET or LIABILITY?

NRI CHILDREN – ASSET or LIABILITY?

Short Fiction – An Apocryphal Story

By

VIKRAM KARVE

My peer group comprises my classmates from school and college, my ex-navy and ex “fauji” military veteran buddies, and my friends, all in their late 50’s or early 60’s.

Whenever we meet, I realize that one notable fact pertaining to my peer group is that almost everyone has NRI children.

[I use the term NRI (Non Resident Indian) quite generically for all Persons of Indian Origin (PIO) settled abroad, including those who have adopted citizenships of their host countries]

At one such gathering, I met a friend – my school classmate.

She was an “NRI Mother” – or to put it correctly – she was the “mother of an NRI daughter”.

Her only child, a 27 year old married daughter, had settled down abroad in America with her husband.

“Nice to see you after a long time,” I said to my friend.

“Yes – I was abroad for almost one year – in the US,” she said.

“America? Wow!” I said.

“Last year, my daughter got pregnant – so she called me to America to look after her during her pregnancy days – and then, after her delivery, she wanted me to stay and look after the baby – so I stayed on there in the US for almost 6 months,” she said.

“Isn’t it our tradition that daughters come home, to their mother’s place, for their first delivery? Your daughter could have come here to Pune for her delivery,” I said.

“Are you crazy or something?” she asked.

“Why?”

“My daughter wanted her child to get US citizenship by birth. If the baby is born here in India, how will the baby get American citizenship?”

“Oh!” I said, “So you stayed there in America for 6 months after her delivery, did all the baby care, and then came back,” I said.

“Yes – but my daughter called me again for child-care “nanny” duties, till her baby was old enough for day-care, since she wanted to get back to work – it was important for her career that she started working as quickly as possible,” she said.

“So you went to America again?”

“Yes – for 6 months – till the baby was almost one year old,” she said.

“Oh – but now it is finally all over – and you’ll be staying here in Pune now…” I said.

“No – I am going again…” she said.

“You are going again to America…? Why…?”

“My daughter’s job is very hectic – so she wants me to do “nanny” duties and look after her child.”

“But your daughter’s child must be around one year old now – can’t the child be kept in a day-care centre?”

“I don’t know,” my friend said, “but my daughter insisted that I come because she wants her child to be looked after properly by me – so that the child imbibes our culture.”

“Culture…?” I said, astonished – and as I recovered my wits – I noticed that an old lady had walked over and joined us.

I knew the old lady – she was my friend’s mother.

I knew the old lady’s husband (my friend’s father) too.

My friend – their daughter – was their only child.

The old couple lived in a beautiful bungalow in the Lonavala – a picturesque hill station near Pune – and I had once visited them over there a few years ago.

I did not see the old lady’s husband around, so I asked the old lady, “How is uncle?”

“You don’t know…?” the old lady asked me.

“What…?”

“My husband died 3 months ago…” the old lady said.

“Oh – I am very sorry…”

“It’s okay – he was 84 years old – but he was absolutely fit till the last day. Though I miss him very much, one consolation is that he died when he was fit and healthy…” she said.

I did not say anything.

The old lady looked at me, and she said to me, “And by the way – I have shifted to an old age home…”

“Old Age Home…?” I asked, shocked.

“What to do…? I cannot live in that huge secluded bungalow all alone…” the old lady said.

“But why go to an old age home…? Why don’t you live with your daughter in Pune…?” I asked.

“Of course I would like to live with my daughter,” the old lady said, “given a choice, I certainly would not like to live in an old age home – but do I have a choice…?”

I did not say anything – I just kept looking at the old lady, not knowing what to say.

Seeing the confused look on my face, the old lady said, “Didn’t my daughter tell you? Her daughter, my granddaughter, has called her to America for babysitting and nanny duties – she will be away in America for 6 months – and then she may have to go back to America again and again – for the next delivery – and babysitting and nanny duties for the next child – so who is going to look after me here? I am 80 now – so it is better for me to live in an old age home…”

I looked at my friend, and wondered at her predicament.

On one side stood her recently widowed mother, pleading not to be sent to the old age home.

On the other side stood her daughter, beseeching her to come to America to take care of her baby.

She had a duty to look after her old widowed mother.

But she felt the strong pull of motherhood towards her daughter.

She was torn between her loyalty to her mother and her love for her daughter.

And in her case – her motherly love for the daughter had prevailed over her filial duty towards the mother.

EPILOGUE

Persons of my generation, in their 50’s and 60’s, who are parents of “NRI Children”, are in a Catch-22 situation.

They are expected to look after their parents, who may be in their 70’s and 80’s.

But their “NRI Children” also have “expectations” from them – especially from their mothers – during childbirth for “midwife” duties, and later, for baby care and surrogate parenting “nanny” duties.

That is why I often wonder:

Are “NRI Children” an asset or a liability?

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

LONGEVITY – A BOON or A CURSE

LONGEVITY – A BOON or A CURSE

Musings of a Retired Mind

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Sometime ago I visited a distant relative, an uncle.

I had last met him around 35 years ago, when I was a young navy bachelor and I had visited his house in Mumbai where he worked and lived.

Now, he was 75 years old, and he was living in Pune.

He was not in the best of health – he was a heart patient, he had undergone an open heart surgery a few years ago, he could not hear properly and was almost deaf, and he had the usual old age ailments like knee pain, blood pressure etc.

His wife, 72, a diabetic, was not in the best of health too.

They had two daughters, 50 and 48, both married and settled abroad in America, and four grandchildren, in their 20’s.

“Why don’t you live with your daughters in the US?” I asked.

“We did,” the old man said, “we used to visit our daughters often, and, after I retired 15 years ago, we even relocated to America and had decided to stay in the US permanently, but we had to come back to India.”

“You had to come back? Why?” I asked.

“To look after my mother-in-law,” he said.

“You came back to look after your mother-in-law?” I asked, surprised.

“Yes. She is bedridden and she is sleeping in the other room. She is 93 years old. My wife is the only child and there is no one to look after her mother as she was widowed long back and her only brother died 10 years ago. We cannot even take her with us to America because even if they do allow it, my bedridden mother-in-law is in no condition to travel abroad. We are stuck here. Do you know that we haven’t visited our daughters in America for the last 10 years because we can’t leave my mother-in-law alone? So, our daughters come here once a year to visit us. And, as you can see, even we are not in the best of health,” he said.

“It must be very demanding looking after your mother-in-law,” I said.

He said angrily: “Demanding? I am so fed up that I am just waiting for her to …”

I looked up and saw why he had interrupted his sentence – his wife had come in with the tea tray.

On my way home, I thought about it.

Till what age are you expected to look after your parents?

Earlier, parents died when their children were still working, at least before the children retired.

But now, with increasing longevity, with many people living well into their 80’s and even into their 90’s, you are expected to look after your parents even when you yourself had retired and needed to be looked after.

Like my uncle and his wife, who themselves were 75 and 72, and despite their old age and poor health, they were required to look after the 93 year old mother-in-law.

So, even in your old age, you may have to look after your parents and in-laws.

And, like in my uncle’s case, if your children migrate abroad, there will be no one to look after you in your old age.

This makes me wonder – is longevity a boon or a curse?

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. These are my personal views based on my observations. The reality may be different. This is just food for thought and should be taken in the right positive spirit.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.