Humor in Uniform – “USP” of Military Life

Humor in Uniform 

What is “USP” (Unique Selling Point or Unique Selling Proposition) for a Career in the Defence Services aka Armed Forces (Army Navy AirForce)...? 

“USP” of Military Life

Last evening – on a TV Channel – while debating Civil-Military Parity in the Pay Commission (7CPC) Recommendations – a Politician commented that Defence Services should not seek parity with Civil Services since the Defence Services get perks like CSD Canteen Facility and Concessional Liquor Quota.

Let me discuss the two “Perks” – one by one.

CSD Canteen Facility

When conceived – the CSD Facility was exclusively meant for military personnel.

Slowly – over the years – this CSD facility has been extended to all Civilian Employees working in various defence ministry offices and departments and public sector undertakings – though these civilian employees have a comfortable secure life without the hardships and regimentation suffered by the soldier.

Now – these civilian employees will enjoy CSD facilities even after retirement. 

So – CSD Facility is not an exclusive Military Perk – but Civilians enjoy CSD Benefit too. 

Concessional Liquor Quota 

All Military Benefits and Perks have been extended to Defence Civilians – except one. 

Yes – only one military concession has not yet been extended to civilians – the concessional CSD Liquor Quota.

Officially – civilians are not entitled “CSD Liquor Quota” (de jure)

But – the ground reality is that most civilians also enjoy this privilege – de facto – since many unscrupulous military personnel illegally give away some of their liquor quota to non-entitled civilians – and sometimes – some unethical “faujis” even barter or sell bottles of military rum to civilians. 

However – officially – “CSD Liquor Quota” remains the “last bastion” of military privileges...” 

This reminds me of the episode of Lieutenant “Z” – an unforgettable character I had met during my early days in the Navy. 

Here is the “memoir” from the happiest days of my life – my early bachelor days in the Navy.

This hilarious story happened many years ago – in the 1970’s ...

Delightful Memories of My Unforgettable Navy Days 

The Story of Lieutenant “Z”

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Lieutenant “Z” was transferred to Kolkata (or Calcutta – as the city was called in the 1970’s – but I will use the present name Kolkata in this story).

The “powers-that-be” thought Lieutenant “Z” would be very happy with his transfer – since Kolkata was his hometown.

Instead of being happy on seeing his transfer order – surprisingly – Lieutenant “Z” got very upset.

So – Lieutenant “Z” rushed to his ship’s Captain to get his transfer cancelled.

“We thought you would be happy – Kolkata is your hometown,” the Captain said.

“Sir – I don’t want to leave the ship…” Lieutenant “Z” said.

“Oh – it’s good to see that you are a true ‘sea-dog’ – and you like the tough life at sea – but then – you have to go ashore…” the Captain said.

“But – Why – Sir…?” Lieutenant “Z” asked.

“See – you got your ‘watchkeeping ticket’ last year – and you have served for more than one year on board as a sea watch-keeping officer – and you will be due for your ‘Long Course’ after 2 years…” the Captain said to Lieutenant “Z”.

“Sir – I can spend these 2 years on board this ship – or some other ship – but I don’t want to go to Kolkata – especially in that shore appointment…” Lieutenant “Z” said.

The Captain was getting exasperated – so he said a bit angrily to the young officer: “Look here Lieutenant “Z” – there is a bloody shortage of ships and sea billets – and we have plenty of young officers waiting for their watch-keeping tickets – so you will have to cool your heels ashore for 2 years till your ‘Long Course’ comes through…”

“Okay – Sir – if I have to go ashore – then please change my transfer to some other place – I do not wish to go to Kolkata…” Lieutenant “Z” said.

“I just don’t understand you – what’s wrong with Kolkata – it is your hometown – you can be with your parents, family and friends – I personally talked to DOP to get you this appointment – your CO at Kolkata is my friend and he is an excellent officer – he will give you a thumping ACR which will boost your career…” the Captain said.

“Sir – I don’t want to go to Kolkata…” Lieutenant “Z” said firmly.

Getting angry – the Captain looked at Lieutenant “Z” – and – the Captain said threateningly: 

“Lieutenant “Z” – I am warning you – if you act funny – we will send to ‘Kala Pani’ in the Andaman…” 

“Sir – please send me to the Andamans…” “Lieutenant “Z” said happily. 

The Captain was taken aback by this retort of Lieutenant “Z” – so the Captain asked Lieutenant “Z”: “Are you crazy…? Why don’t you want to go to Kolkata…? Do you have you some family problems...?” 

“Sir – Booze is expensive in Kolkata…” Lieutenant “Z” said, matter-of-factly.

“What…? What do you mean ‘Booze is expensive in Kolkata’…? Is that the reason why you do not want to go there…?” an incredulous Captain asked “Lieutenant “Z”.

“Sir – the only worthwhile perk we get in the Navy is “concessional liquor” – that is why I want to remain on board ship so that I can enjoy ‘duty-free booze’ – but if I have to go ashore – please send me to a place where ‘Military Booze’ is cheap – Sir – the price of CSD Quota Liquor in Bengal is 3 times more expensive than the price out here in Maharashtra…” Lieutenant “Z” said.

(This story happened in the 1970’s – when CSD Quota Liquor was cheapest in Maharashtra. 

However – since tax concessions are given by State Governments – and local taxes/concessions keep changing from time to time – the situation may be quite different now – and it is possible that ‘Military Booze’ may be more expensive in Maharashtra than in other states.

But even now – the prices of CSD Quota Liquor vary widely from state to state – so ‘Military Booze’ is cheaper in some states – and more expensive in other states)

Now – after this brief aside – let us continue with the interesting tête-à-tête between Lieutenant “Z” and his Captain...

“So – you wanted to remain on board this ship so that you can enjoy cheap ‘duty free booze’…?” the Captain asked Lieutenant “Z”.

“Yes – Sir…” Lieutenant “Z” said.

“And you even prefer to go to the Andamans because booze is cheaper there…?” the Captain asked Lieutenant “Z”.

“Yes – Sir…”

“It seems that you joined the Navy to drink liquor…!”

“Yes – Sir…”

“What nonsense…? Are you crazy…? Are you telling me that you joined the Navy to drink liquor…?” the Captain shouted at Lieutenant “Z”.

“Sir – the main reason I joined the ‘Boozy Navy’ was to enjoy the best of ‘duty-free’ booze – that is the reason why I want to serve on ships for the maximum possible time – but if I have to go ashore – the least I can do is to enjoy my full quota of CSD ‘Military Liquor’ at the cheapest possible rates…” Lieutenant “Z” said, speaking candidly.

“Are you mad…? Are you saying that the only reason why people should join the Defence Services is to drink alcohol…? That means – according to you – teetotallers should not join the Navy – or the Armed Forces…” the Captain said.

“Sir – I told you before – the only worthwhile perk we get in the Defence Services is ‘concessional liquor’ – so what is the point of wasting your life in the Military if you are not going to enjoy this exclusive ‘Fauji Perk’ of ‘Military Booze’…? And if you don’t drink – if you are a teetotaller – you might as well take up a civilian job, live a comfortable life, and earn plenty of money…” Lieutenant “Z” pontificated.

“I am a strict teetotaller – I don’t touch alcohol. Are you saying that I am wasting my time in the Navy…?” the Captain said angrily.

“Sir – just think of all the ‘Duty-Free’ Booze and CSD Quota Liquor you have missed out on in all these 25 years of your service…” Lieutenant “Z” said – with genuine regret in his eyes.

“You are a crazy bugger…! Just get out my cabin…” the Captain shouted at Lieutenant “Z”.

EPILOGUE

Two things happened after this amusing tête-à-tête between Lieutenant “Z” and his Captain.

The Captain picked up the phone and spoke to the DOP (who was his course-mate).

The DOP had a big laugh when the Captain told him the ‘Boozy’ reason why Lieutenant “Z”wanted his transfer changed.

Since there was no billet available in the Andamans (where ‘Military Booze’ was the cheapest those days) – DOP did the next best thing possible – and – Lieutenant “Z”was transferred as a Divisional Officer to NDA near Pune where the price of CSD Quota Liquor was the same as in Mumbai – since both Pune and Mumbai were in Maharashtra State.

Then – the Captain thought about his conversation with Lieutenant “Z”. 

Lieutenant “Z” had a point.

Every job had its perks – the Railways gave free Rail Passes to its employees – Airlines gave free Air Tickets – Academicians got sabbaticals – the Corporate Sector too gave a variety of perks and freebies to its Executives – and everyone availed of these perks. 

Similarly – the Defence Services too had their perks – and – the most unique ‘Military Perk’ was ‘Concessional Liquor’.

So – what was the point in joining the Navy and not availing of this most precious perk...?

Why forgo something given to you – and then regret later and complain after retirement that you could not make the most of all the perks given to you by the Navy...?

The Captain thought of the ‘notional loss’ he had incurred during the 25 long ‘teetotalism’ years of his service in the Navy – just because he had sacrificed this authorised ‘Military Perk’ – by not availing his ‘CSD Liquor Quota’ – and by not enjoying ‘duty-free’ Booze on board all the ships on which he had served.

There is a saying: “Better Late than Never”.

The Captain asked his steward to get him some chilled beer.

It was only 11 o’clock in the morning – but that did not matter – he had to make up for all these 25 lost years of teetotalism.

At first – the Captain’s Steward was a bit surprised.

But – when the Steward saw the Captain gesturing him to hurry up – the Steward served the Captain a chilled can of Premium Imported Beer (available dirt cheap at ‘duty-free’ rates on board ship).

This was the Captain’s first sip of booze ever since he joined the Navy more than 25 years ago.

Cheers !!!

AFTERTHOUGHT

Instead of wasting money on all those fancy unrealistic military recruitment advertisements – why don’t the Defence Services highlight “CSD Quota Concessional Liquor” as the “USP” of Military Life...?

And – of course – as far as the Navy is concerned – shouldn’t “Duty Free Booze” be highlighted as a special incentive to join the Navy...?

Think about it ... !!!

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. This Story and All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

Revised version of my story THE BOOZY NAVY written by me Vikram Karve on 25 May 2015 and and posted online in my blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/humor-in-uniform-boozy-navy.html  and  revised/reposted on 12 October 2015 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/10/humor-in-uniform-question-of-perks.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/02/yo-ho-ho-and-bottle-of-rum-humor-in.html

Humor in Uniform – “CTC”

WHAT IS THE PAY OF A DEFENCE OFFICER ?

“How much pay does a Army Captain get?” a gentleman asked me.

“Why do you want to know?” I asked.

“We have a marriage proposal for our daughter from an Army Captain,” he said.

“Well an Army Captain would be in Pay Band 3 – where the Basic Pay ranges from 15600 to 39100 – so – if he is at the centre of the pay band – he would be getting about Rupees 25,000 per month,” I said.

“That is his Basic Pay – what about DA...” he asked.

“Well – if you add 100% Basic Pay as DA – you can add another 25,000 – so that makes it around 50,000 Rupees per month,” I said.

“What about other allowances – and value of perks – I want to know the “CTC” of an Army Captain,” he said.

The moment I heard the term “CTC” – I remembered the story of the “CTC” Lieutenant.

So – Dear Reader – let me delve deep into my “Humor in Uniform” Archives and pull out this hilarious “memoir” for you to enjoy, have a laugh and think about.

This story happened more than 37 years ago – in the late 1970’s.

I had first posted this hilarious Naval Yarn on my Blog in September 2013.

Read on:

THE STORY OF THE “CTC” LIEUTENANT

Hilarious Memories of My Wonderful Navy Life

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

THE “CTC” LIEUTENANT – a spoof by VIKRAM KARVE

“How much pay do you get?” the man asked me.

“1100,” I said.

Well, this happened around 37 years ago, in the 1970’s. 

I was a newly promoted Lieutenant in the Navy (Equivalent of an Army Captain or Air Force Flight Lieutenant) and those days our pay scale was Rs. 1100-50-1550

(Yes, those days, Lieutenants started off with a basic pay of Rs. 1100 with an increment of Rs. 50 every year and we remained Lieutenants for 8 long years. After this long wait, we became Lieutenant Commanders with a pay scale of Rs. 1450-50-1800 --- Of course, now, with the Ajai Vikram Singh (AVS) Cadre Review bonanza in 2006, promotions are much faster and the junior-most rank has been abolished)

At the time of this story, as a newly promoted Lieutenant, I had started off in the pay scale of Rupees 1100-50-1550.

The gentleman had asked me how much pay I got.

So I told the gentleman my basic pay – which was 1100 Rupees a month.

“Do you know Lieutenant ‘G’?” the gentleman asked me.

“Of course I know Lieutenant ‘G’ – he is my course-mate and is serving on a ship of my squadron,” I said – and I named the ship.

“Yes. Yes. It is the same person,” the gentleman said.

Then he paused for a moment and said to me, “Your friend Lieutenant ‘G’ – how much pay does he get?”

“Well – he must be getting 1100 Rupees too,” I said.

“Are you sure Lieutenant ‘G’ gets only 1100 Rupees a month? Lieutenant ‘G’ told me that he gets much more pay that that – are you sure he doesn’t get more?” the man asked.

“How can he get more pay than me? Sir, I told you that Lieutenant ‘G’ is my coursemate – and like me – Lieutenant ‘G’ is also a recently promoted Lieutenant. In fact – Lieutenant ‘G’ got promoted two months after me since I gained more seniority in our Sub Lieutenant training courses – so surely – Lieutenant ‘G’ cannot get more pay than me.”

“That’s strange,” the gentleman said, “your friend Lieutenant ‘G’ told me that his pay is 5000 rupees per month.”

“5000 rupees per month? That is just not possible,” I said, “Even an Admiral does not get that much.”

“Maybe – Lieutenant ‘G’ gets some additional pay,” the man said.

“That is not possible. He cannot get more pay than me. Lieutenant ‘G’ is in the surface navy like me. And even aviators and submariners don’t get the amount of pay that he is saying,” I said.

“So Lieutenant ‘G’ is telling lies?” the man said.

“Well – I may not call it telling lies – but obviously – Lieutenant ‘G’ is exaggerating his pay quite a bit,” I said.

“He told me all lies,” the man said again, looking downcast.

I looked at the man and asked him, “Sir – please tell me – why are you asking me all this about Lieutenant ‘G’?”

“There was a marriage proposal for my daughter,” he said.

“There is a marriage proposal from Lieutenant ‘G’ for your daughter?” I asked.

“His parents approached us. Or rather – we approached his parents when someone told us about Lieutenant ‘G’ – that he was a suitable status match for our daughter. Well, we live up-north – and we really don’t know much about the Navy. There was some business work in Pune – so I decided to come myself – rather than send my manager – well – I thought it would be a good idea to go via Mumbai and have a look at the boy Lieutenant ‘G’ before progressing matrimonial matters further,” he said.

The Deccan Queen started its climb up the Western Ghats – and soon we reached Lonavala – where I got off the train.

                                                                

A few days later I ran into Lieutenant ‘G’ at a party.

“So – I believe that you are planning to get married?” I asked him.

“Not really – why?” he said.

“Well – I met your prospective father-in-law,” I said – and I told him about the gentleman I had met on the Deccan Queen.

“Oh, that? It’s just in the first stages. I’ll see the girl when I go home on leave next month,” Lieutenant ‘G’ said.

“Why did you tell him that your pay was 5000 rupees a month?” I asked.

“He told you that?”

“Yes.”

“And what did you say?” asked Lieutenant ‘G’ – with an anxious look on his face.

“Well – the gentleman asked me my salary – and I told him it was 1100 rupees a month,” I said.

“Are you crazy?” Lieutenant ‘G’ exclaimed.

“Why? Isn’t our pay 1100?” I said.

“1100 is our bloody basic pay. That’s the problem with you Maharashtrians – you guys always undersell yourselves,” he said.

“But how can you say that your pay is 5000 Rupees? Even if you add the DA – and all other allowances – your pay will not be more than 1500 Rupees – isn’t it?” I said.

“What about the monetary value of all the other benefits and perks we get?” Lieutenant ‘G’ said.

“Other benefits and perks?” I asked.

Lieutenant ‘G’ looked at me and said, “We get so many things. Let’s take married accommodation – do you know the market rent of the houses we get in prime localities? And what actual rent do we pay?”

“So you added the difference between market value of rent and the rent we are charged while calculating your total pay?” I asked.

“Of course,” he said, “and there are so many perks and facilities we get – CSD canteen, LTC, medical treatment, membership of clubs, duty free liquor…”

“Duty free liquor? Booze? But you are a bloody teetotaller – you never drink liquor. Don’t tell me you included the difference in the cost of booze?” I asked, aghast.

“Of course I did – the differential between market value and what you pay is tantamount to notional salary – isn’t it?” he said matter-of-factly.

“So have included the so-called money value of each and every thing when you calculated your salary as 5000 rupees?” I asked.

Lieutenant ‘G’ looked at me said, “Obviously I did. I considered the notional value of all benefits, perks, facilities, subsidies – everything – and came to a figure of 5000. You see – 1100 rupees may be our basic pay – but 5000 rupees is our notional pay.”

I wanted to have the parting shot, so I said to Lieutenant ‘G’: “Since you are so money-minded – instead of the Navy – you should have joined the Army.”

“Army? Why?” he asked me.

“In the army you would have got the additional perk of a batman, a sahayak – and you could have added his ‘notional cost’ of the sahayak to your pay. What is the pay, the perks, the notional cost of a soldier – 1000 Rupees? 2000 Rupees? – just imagine – you could have told your prospective father-in-law that your pay was 7000 rupees instead of 5000 rupees!”

“You have a point. How come I never thought of that?” Lieutenant ‘G’ said.

“And unlike in the Navy – where you have to use your own vehicle – in the Army you get free transport. Think of the cost of the petrol...” I said.

“That is true too...” Lieutenant ‘G’ mumbled.

As I walked away I noticed a curious expression on his face – as if Lieutenant ‘G’ was busy calculating something in his mind.

Maybe – Lieutenant ‘G’ was realizing – that with so many extra perks – like sahayaks, transport, et al – he would have been better off as an Army Officer – and – Lieutenant ‘G’ was regretting that he had joined the Navy instead of the Army.

EPILOGUE

It was much later while I was doing my management course – that I learnt of the concept of “CTC” or “Cost-to-Company”.

It was only then that I understood what Lieutenant ‘G’ was talking about.

Yes – Lieutenant ‘G’ was way ahead of his times.

Later – in his illustrious naval career – Lieutenant ‘G’ distinguished himself as a successful “businessman in uniform”.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a spoof, satire pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

 

Revised and Updated Version of my Story First Posted by me Vikram Karve in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog at 9/25/2013 11:45:00 AM at url : http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/09/humor-in-uniform-cost-to-company.html  and reposted later at  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/12/humor-in-uniform-ctc-lieutenant.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/03/what-is-pay-of-defence-officer-story-of.html