Mickey Finn – A Story from My Navy Days – for Holi

Tomorrow – Dear Friends – is the festival of Holi.

Holi is associated with Humor and free-for-all fun and frolic. 

Here is a “Memoir” from my Navy Days – apt for the occasion...

MICKEY FINN

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE 

Naval Academy Cochin (now called Kochi)

Mid 1970’s 

WHY DID YOU JOIN THE NAVY…? 

The moment we reported to the Naval Academy (NAVAC) at Cochin (Kochi) – we were asked the quintessential question: 

“Why did you join the Navy…?”

Most of us gave unimaginative stereotyped answers which everyone had heard before.

Acting Sub Lieutenant “M” was different.

Sub Lieutenant “M” said: 

“I joined the Navy to drink good Booze...”

(Those days – the Junior-most Officer Rank in the Army/Navy/Air Force was Second Lieutenant (2^nd/Lt), Acting Sub Lieutenant (Ag Sub Lt) and Pilot Officer (P/O) respectively. 

In the year 2004 – thanks to the AVS Cadre Review Bonanza – this junior-most officer rank was abolished – and Defence Officers were commissioned directly as Lieutenants/Sub Lieutenants/Flying Officers in the Army/Navy/Air Force respectively – which were the ranks above the erstwhile “2^nd Lt”/“Ag Sub Lt”/“Pilot Officer” – the lowest officer ranks earlier) 

Dear Reader: After this digression – let me start telling you the story again: 

The moment we reported to Naval Academy (NAVAC) Cochin (Kochi) – we were asked the quintessential question: 

“Why did you join the Navy…?”

Most of us gave unimaginative stereotyped answers which everyone had heard before.

Acting Sub Lieutenant “M” was different.

Acting Sub Lieutenant “M” said: 

“I joined the Navy to drink good Booze...”

“What did you say...?” the Officer-in-charge bellowed at Acting Sub Lieutenant “M”

Acting Sub Lieutenant “M” nonchalantly said: 

“Sir – I said that I joined the Navy to drink good booze...” 

The Officer-in-charge and Staff Officers of NAVAC thought that Acting Sub Lieutenant “M” was joking. 

But – Acting Sub Lieutenant “M” was dead serious. 

He had indeed joined the Navy to drink good booze.

We were “University Entry Officers”.

We were selected via the “University Entry Scheme” (UES) – an “Earn while you Learn” Recruitment Scheme – which was highly successful in attracting the best Engineering Talent.

Under the UES – Navy Selection Teams visited premier Engineering Colleges/IITs/RECs (NITs) at the beginning of our pre-final year – and they interviewed and shortlisted suitable candidates – who had to appear before a Services Selection Board (SSB) at Allahabad, Bhopal or Bangalore.

Those selected by the SSB – and found medically fit – were offered a commission as an Officer in the Navy from the beginning of their final year of Engineering.

So – we were Naval Officers drawing handsome pay during our final year of Engineering – owing to which we enjoyed great prestige and relative affluence as compared to our fellow student classmates.

On completion of our B. Tech. / BE courses – we joined the Naval Academy – for Basic and Divisional (B&D) Training.

We had heard that – during his final year in Engineering College – “M” had taken his appointment letter (as an officer in the Indian Navy) to a Military Unit near his college – and he had managed to get a Liquor Card from the Unit CSD Canteen which enabled him to enjoy his full “Booze Quota” of “Military Rum” during his final year of Engineering.

Coming back to the Naval Academy – on our very first “liberty” a month after joining training – while we headed for Movie Halls and Restaurants in Ernakulam Town – Acting Sub Lieutenant “M” rushed to nearest Bar to get gloriously drunk.

In fact – “M” enjoyed himself so much – downing peg after peg of Rum – to “cure” his “thirst” – that he passed out “dead drunk” in the Bar.

Luckily for “M” – a “Good Samaritan” saw his Navy ID Card.

The “Good Samaritan” carried the blissfully “comatose” Acting Sub Lieutenant “M” into his car – then he drove down to the Naval Base – and deposited “M” outside the OOD’s Office.

This episode resulted in some heavy “punishments” and “restrictions” for “M” – including cancellation of his “liberty” (“shore leave” in Navy Jargon) till the end of the term.

The “powers-that-be” realized that Acting Sub Lieutenant “M” meant business – as far as his reason for joining the Navy was concerned.

However – “M” was not to be deterred from his aim. 

And – within a few days – he used his initiative to get access to booze.

As I told you – we were already Officers when we joined the Naval Academy (NAVAC) – and we were drawing full pay and allowances.

So – we dined in the Officers’ Wardroom – the Southern Naval Area (SNA) Wardroom Officers’ Mess.

(Yes – those days it was a Naval Area – not a Naval Command. A few years later – SNA was upgraded to SNC (Southern Naval Command)...)

Of course – since we were not allowed to wear stripes during training – we dined in a separate “Gun Room” – but – we were full-fledged members of the Wardroom Officers Mess.

There were no “free” authorized rations those days – so – as officers – we paid for our food – unlike cadets – who dined in cadet dining halls in the Academy and got free food.

During Basic Training – we were not officially allowed to drink liquor – but we were permitted to smoke – and we bought our cigarettes at the Wardroom Bar by signing chits – since we were full-fledged members of the Wardroom Mess.

On working day evenings – we dined in “Red Sea Rig” uniform.

On Weekends/Sundays/Holidays – we were permitted to wear “civvies”.

One Sunday evening – while we were buying cigarettes at the Bar – “M” asked the steward for a Large Peg of Rum – and – with confident flourish – “M” signed a chit for the Rum.

The steward served “M” a Large Peg of Rum.

It was as simple as that.

From then on – every evening – “M” would sneak out from his cabin during the pre-dinner “Study Hour” – and head for the Wardroom Bar for his daily quota of Rum – and then – after quickly downing a few pegs of Rum “down-the-hatch” – “M” would  join us for dinner in the “Gun Room”.

Once our Basic Training was over – and we passed out of the Naval Academy – we could officially drink all the liquor we wanted to – especially top class premium “duty free” foreign liquor on ships.

For Acting Sub Lieutenant “M” – the choicest “duty free” foreign liquor was a bonanza – the very raison d’être – for which he had joined the Navy. 

“M” had a great time in the Navy – especially on board ships – drinking all the booze he wanted to his heart’s content – fully realising his cardinal aim of joining the Navy –> “I joined the Navy to drink good Booze...”

10 Years Later 

IAT Pune

Mid 1980’s

“M” enjoyed his bachelor days “soaked in alcohol” – imbibing all the booze he could lay his hands on.

For “M” – it was the happiest time of his life – and the Navy was the best thing that had happened to him.

Sadly – one day – “M” got married.

And – even worse – “M” got a “tough cookie” teetotaller wife – who cracked down heavily on his drinking.

In fact – his redoubtable wife banned alcohol in the house – and she kept an “eagle eye” on her husband at parties.

So – “M” would surreptitiously gulp a few quick “down-the-hatch” pegs of Rum whenever he got an opportunity – followed by some cardamom (Elaichi) to mask the smell of alcohol.

A few years later – “M” landed up as a “student” for an advanced specialization course at IAT Girinagar Pune – where I was his instructor.

Every evening – “M” would tell his wife that he wanted to “clear some doubts” about the subject I was teaching him – and he would land up in my house.

Of course – there were no academic “doubts” he wanted cleared.

“M” would have three quick pegs of Rum at my place.

And then – “M” would head home feeling “high” and “happy”.

When his wife questioned him on his “happy” state – “M” would plead that I was his instructor – and I had offered him a drink. 

“M” told his wife I would get annoyed if he refused my generous offer of a drink – and this may affect his grades in the course.

M’s wife blamed me for “spoiling” her husband.

One day – M’s wife had her revenge on me.

On Holi evening – I was taking a long evening walk to sober up from the boisterous drunken Holi celebrations in the morning. 

M’s wife waved out to me – and – she called me to her lawn.

“M” was probably sleeping inside – “dead drunk”.

While celebrating Holi with full gusto – “M” had “passed out” in the morning after surreptitiously downing huge amounts of a deadly cocktail of  “Rum and Beer”. 

(“M” had taken advantage of the fact that his “beloved” wife had magnanimously permitted “M” to have one bottle of Beer – as a special case for the occasion of HOLI 

So – “M” had heavily “fortified” his Beer with plenty of Rum – he had poured almost half a bottle of Rum into his bottle of Beer. 

After imbibing this huge amount of booze in a short time – “M” got totally drunk – and soon – “M” collapsed unconscious into drunken stupor – and he had to be carried home...) 

Coming back to our story...

On HOLI evening – when I was taking a long evening walk to sober up from the boisterous morning celebrations – M’s wife waved out to me and she called me to her lawn. 

“M” was probably sleeping inside – still in drunken stupor – after his “glorious” Holi “celebration” in the morning. 

I walked across the lawn to the M’s wife.

M’s wife looked charmingly at me.

“You drank too much in the morning. I will give you something really good to cure your hangover...” M’s wife said with a tender smile.

I accepted her kind invitation.

M’s wife asked me to sit on a chair in the verandah – and then – she went inside.

After some time – M’s wife emerged from kitchen – and – with an innocent smile – she served me a glass of Khus “Sherbet” cool drink.

What I did not know was that M’s wife had laced the cool green Khus “Sherbet” with a heavy dose of “Bhang”.

Yes – M’s wife had spiked the cool drink with deadly intoxicating “Bhang”  (cannabis) 

M’s wife had slipped me a potent “Mickey Finn”.

And – I naively drank the “Bhang” spiked cool drink. 

Yes – I unsuspectingly drank the intoxicating “Bhang” spiked “Sherbet”. 

Soon – the “Bhang” started having effect – and I started feeling “high”. 

I wondered why M’s wife was giving me such a “sweet” smile…? 

Was she trying to...??? 

Dear Reader: 

What do you think happened thereafter…?

Well – that’s another story…

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This is a fictional spoof, satire, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Updated, Abridged and Revised Version of My Story WHY DID YOU JOIN THE NAVY posted online by me on November 16, 2015 in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/11/why-did-you-join-navy-humor-in-uniform.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/01/humor-in-uniform-why-acting-sub.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/06/humor-in-uniform-why-did-you-join-navy.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/humor-in-uniform-my-coursemate-m.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2018/03/a-humor-in-uniform-story-on-occasion-of.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/10/31/humor-in-uniform-unforgettable-characters-i-met-in-the-navy-sub-lieutenant-m/ etc

Food Blogging – How to Rate a Restaurant

FOOD REVIEW 

HOW TO RATE A RESTAURANT 

“Guide” to “Food Reviewers” on “How to Rate Restaurants” 

MY RESTAURANT RATING SYSTEM

A Foodie Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

This happened around 42 years ago – in the 1970’s – during my delightful Mumbai Navy Days – when I served as a young Officer – on a frontline Naval Warship. 

We were sitting in our ship’s wardroom enjoying our first drink of the evening – when some shipmates peeped in and asked me: 

“Hey – we are thinking of going to ‘XXX’ restaurant for dinner. How is the place…?”

“…3 Large…” I said.

My shipmates promptly downed 3 Large Pegs of Whisky each.

Then – they proceeded for dinner to ‘XXX’ restaurant in the heart of Mumbai.

I was – and – I still am – an avid “Foodie”.

During my early Navy days – I was lucky to be appointed on ships based at Mumbai

This gave me great opportunity to explore the culinary delights of the best Foodie City in India. 

NORMAL RESTAURANT RATING SYSTEM

If you have read “Food Reviews” – you will notice that most Restaurant Reviewers rate restaurants on a scale of 1 to 5 – with 5 meaning “Excellent” – 4 (Very Good) – 3 (Good) – 2 (Average) – and – 1 (Poor). 

5 – Excellent

4 – Very Good

3 – Good

2 – Average

1 – Poor

These food reviewers consider various parameters like food, service, ambience etc to rate a restaurant (and some even give sub-ratings for each parameter).

Some food reviewers use “stars” instead of numbers to rate restaurants – but it is basically the same rating system. 

MY RESTAURANT RATING SYSTEM

My restaurant rating system is different. 

I rate restaurants on the number of Pegs of Booze (Rum/Whisky) you are advised to drink – the amount of alcohol you must imbibe – before proceeding to eat food in the restaurant.

Yes: 

I rate restaurants on a scale of “0” to “6” (Zero to Six) – “0” Pegs” to “6 Pegs” – Zero Pegs to 6 Pegs – to be precise.

Of course – the “Peg” referred to is a “Large Peg” – which is “60 ml” of Rum/Whisky.

And yes – this rating mainly applies to Indian Cuisine.

It is my experience that alcohol does not go well with Indian Cuisine which is highly flavorsome.

Alcohol dulls the taste buds – and olfactory sensation – and encumbers the unmitigated enjoyment of good food. 

“0’ PEGS” TO “6 PEGS” RESTAURANT RATING SYSTEM

Let me explain a bit about my “0” Pegs” to “6 Pegs” restaurant rating system. 

As I told you earlier: 

The Restaurant is Rated on the Number of Large Pegs of Booze (Rum/Whisky) you are advised to drink before proceeding to eat food in the restaurant.

At one end of the scale – you have a “0” Large – or “Zero Peg” Restaurant.

“0” Large (“Zero Peg”) Restaurant is one that serves Pristine Food.

If you are going to have an authentic Indian “Pure Vegetarian Thali Meal” prepared hygienically with pure ingredients in clean surroundings – you will ruin the eating experience if you drink alcohol before this pristine food.    

This will therefore qualify for a “0” Large or “Zero Peg” rating. 

It is recommended that you not drink any alcohol before proceeding to such a “Zero Large”restaurant.

At the other end of a scale – you have a “6 Large” Restaurant.

A “6 Large” Restaurant serves hard-core “Trencherman” style food – for which you need to fortified by alcohol – and you require a “cast iron stomach” to digest the food.

“6 Large” Rated Restaurants serve hard-core street-food – like oily spicy greasy mutton curry prepared in most unhygienic earthy manner and eaten in noisy, crowded, polluted, filthy surroundings.

Such “robust” food which requires a “cast iron stomach” to digest and fit only for a seasoned Trencherman – will qualify for a “6 Large” rating. 

It is recommended that you drink 6 Large Pegs of Rum/Whisky before you proceed to such a restaurant.

You have got the drift – haven’t you...? 

“Zero” Large to “6 Large” Restaurant Rating Scale

One end of the scale (“Zero Large”) pertains to delicate refined pristine food to be savoured by the high-falutin Gourmand.

The other end of the scale (“6 Large”) pertains to fiery robust earthy food fit only for a tough Trencherman.

My shipmates were going to a “3 Large” Eatery for Mutton Biryani in the heart of the city.

There was a “2 Large” Eatery nearby too which served a more “refined” biryani.

And – of course – there were a few “5 Large” street-joints where you got earthy “Kababs” and “Bheja” dishes too.

In my entire life – I have rated only one eatery with the top “6 Large” rating – and I have never dared to go there again.

Of course – I have eaten in many ‘pristine’ restaurants which qualified for a “Zero Large” rating.

“ZERO LARGE’ to “6 LARGE’ RATING FOR HOME COOKED FOOD

I have observed that the “Zero Large” to “6 Large” Food Rating Scale works for “Home Cooked Food” too.

After success with restaurants – I started applying my “Zero” Large to “6” “Large” Rating System” – whenever someone called me home to dinner.

Those days – I was known to be a passionate drinker. 

Yes – I was a true “drunkard”.

We had been invited to dinner at a friend’s place.

My friend was surprised when I declined his offer of my favourite “Rum-Pani” drink.

“You don’t want a drink…? What’s wrong with you…?” my friend asked me. 

I said to my friend:

“Nothing is wrong with me. 

Your wife is truly an excellent cook. 

I visited the kitchen – and I have seen in the kitchen all the delicious dishes she has made for dinner. 

So – I don’t want to spoil my eating experience by drinking alcohol which dulls the taste buds. 

Your wife’s cooking has the best “Zero Large” rating...” 

This is what I told my friend. 

My friend’s wife had overheard our conversation. 

“What do you mean by “Zero Large” rating...?” my friend’s wife asked.

I explained my “Zero” Large Pegs to “6” Large Pegs” restaurant rating system – and I said to her: 

“Ma’am – I saw you cooking food in the kitchen – and – you seem to cook so well – that your food deserves the topmost “Zero” Large Peg rating. So – I don’t want to ruin my eating experience by drinking Rum and dulling my taste buds…”

She glowed with pride and happiness.

Another friend’s wife overheard our conversation.

She gave me an angry look.

She had called us for Dinner a few days ago – and I had downed “5 Large” Pegs of Rum at her place before daring to sample her cooking.

In fact – after tasting her “mutton curry” – I had insisted on “one more drink” – to facilitate swallowing the terrible food down my gullet (esophagus).

Ha Ha – it was truly a mutton curry worthy of a “6 Large” rating…

So – Dear Foodie: 

The next time I ask you to rate a restaurant – please don’t give me numbers – just say anything from “Zero Large” to “6 Large” – say – “3 Large” – or – “4 Large” – and I will know how many Large Pegs of Rum/Whisky to imbibe before I go to eat in that restaurant.

Moot Question:

You may ask me: 

“Why do you limit the restaurant/food rating to “6 Large”...? Why have an upper limit of “6 Large” Pegs of Booze...?”

My answer is simple.

“6 Large” pegs is nearly half a bottle of Rum/Whisky.

If you drink more than “6 Large” pegs of Rum or Whisky – after drinking so much alcohol – your senses will be totally dulled – and the taste buds on your tongue will hardly be able to discern the taste of the food you are eating. 

Dear Foodie Friends: Happy Eating – and – “Hic” – make sure you imbibe the appropriate number of pegs of booze as per the restaurant rating – before you proceed for eating out in a restaurant...

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This article is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

This article was written by me Vikram Karve in May 2015 and posted earlier in this blog at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/food-review-how-to-rate-restaurants.html and re-posted at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/07/food-review-guide-art-of-restaurant.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/12/how-to-review-restaurants-navy-style.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/07/humor-in-uniform-memoirs-of-navy-foodie.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2017/10/food-reviews-my-restaurant-rating-system.html etc