EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
ARE YOU IN SYNC WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE TALKING TO...?
MENTAL FILTERS AND COMMUNICATION MISMATCH
Musings
By
VIKRAM KARVE
THE 6 MESSAGES IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
Suppose you are talking to someone – say your colleague – or your spouse – or your kid – or your friend – or even a stranger.
Communication is a two way process.
Assume that there are two of you talking to each other – engaging in interpersonal communication.
Now – when you speak to someone you – will be watching her – and observing her body language.
Similarly – she in turn will be doing the same.
So interpersonal communication will comprise not only verbal speech – but non-verbal cues as well.
Let us assume that you say something to the person in front of you – and she says something back to you in reply.
There will be six messages present in this person-to-person communication process:
1. What you MEAN to say
2. What you ACTUALLY say
3. What the other person HEARS
4. What the other person THINKS is heard
5. What the other person SAYS
6. What you THINK the other person says
Interpretation of Communication (deriving messages from a communication) depends on many factors ranging from intellectual to emotional to cognitive - all these factors constitute your MENTAL FILTER.
How you interpret a communication depends on your mental filters at that point of time which, apart from your intellectual, emotional and cognitive aspects, is also governed by various factors like your mood, quality and type of relationship with the other person, the environment in which the communication is taking place.
And it is similar for the other person talking to you.
In order to reduce communication mismatch, it is essential that your mental filter is in sync with the person talking to you and vice versa.
Otherwise there will be ambiguities in the messages exchanged and this may have undesirable ramifications, and, at times, may even lead to discord and conflict.
AN EXAMPLE OF HOW MENTAL FILTERS DISTORT MESSAGES IN A COMMUNICATION DUE TO SELECTIVE INTERPRETATION
Let me try to explain this with an illustrative example:
Imagine that a husband and wife are driving right across Pune from Wakad to Koregaon Park – one evening – for a party.
Their car crawls at snail’s pace in the heavy traffic on the busy crowded roads of Pune – a city where traffic is the worst nightmare – especially in peak hours like evenings.
The car is waiting at a red traffic signal.
Suddenly – the traffic signal turns green – and the wife says to her husband:
“The signal has become green...!!!”
Now – in his mind’s eye – the husband can interpret this simple communication from his wife in a number of ways.
The way in which he interprets this simple statement made by his wife – it depends on his mental filter at that point of time.
The husband’s response to his wife’s simple statement will depend on how he interprets his wife’s communication – which in turn will depend on his mental filter at the point of time.
Here are a few examples of how the husband will interpret his wife’s simple communication (“The signal has become green...!”) – and how he may reply back to his wife.
Dear Reader – remember – the wife had said to her husband:
“The signal has become green...!!!”
1. One husband may think his wife means to say:
“Can’t you see...? The traffic light has turned green...!!!”
So he may retort angrily to his wife:
“Of course I can see ... I am not blind...!!!”
(Remember – the wife had merely said:
“The signal has become green...!!!”
The wife never stated that her husband is blind)
2. Another husband may think his wife is hurrying him up – and he may interpret the meaning of what his wife’s communication as:
“Come on, you slow-poke – hurry up – we are already late...”
On interpreting his wife’s communication in this fashion – the husband may snap back at his wife:
“Don’t unnecessarily hustle me – let me drive properly...!!!”
(Remember – the wife had merely said:
“The signal has become green...!!!”
The wife never stated that her husband is a slow-poke and drives too slowly)
3. A third “hen-pecked” husband may assume that his wife has started off her nagging again.
So – this husband will say irritably to his wife:
“Stop your nagging and backseat driving – why don’t you drive the car yourself instead of passing comments...?”
(Remember – the wife had merely said:
“The signal has become green...!!!”
The wife just wanted to draw the attention of her husband to the traffic signal – she had no intention of nagging him)
Now – in each of these 3 cases – on hearing her husband’s remarks – the wife may:
1. She may choose to remain silent
or
2. She may “appropriately” respond to the husband’s comments and give him a “fitting” reply
If she decides to retort – the husband may reply back – and then the conversation will go on and on – and the result will be that – more “heat” – and less “light” – is generated.
What if a husband just ignores the wife’s remarks...?
Suppose he remains silent and says nothing...?
Well – the wife may interpret her husband’s silence in a number of ways depending on her mental filter – and she will respond accordingly – and say something to her husband again.
Or – she too may remain silent – resulting in breakdown of “verbal communication” – though – “non-verbal communication” may continue.
(Remember – SILENCE is a very effective way of conveying non-verbal messages – and sometimes – silence can be quite powerful too – like they say – “a deafening silence”...!!!)
Whichever way the wife chooses to give her husband a “fitting” reply – this may provoke the husband further – and the “communication” cycle will continue.
HARMONY OF MENTAL FILTERS FOR EFFECTIVE INTER-PERSONAL COMMUNICATION
HOW TO BE IN SYNC WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE COMMUNICATING WITH
Interpretation of communication – drawing inferences – it all depends on your “mental filters” –doesn’t it...?
Your mental filters “colour” your cognition – and they influence (bias or prejudice) your interpretation of the message in a communication.
The sine qua non for Effective Communication is Harmony of Mental Filters.
If there is a Mismatch in Mental Filters – the result is Misinterpretation of Messages – due to interpreting “implied meanings” – where there were none.
Like we highlighted in the example of communication between husband and wife – repeated misinterpretation of communication can snowball and spiral into an unhealthy communication cycle – and can damage inter-personal relationships – both at work and at home.
For example – in a marriage – repeated misinterpretation of mutual communication between husband and wife – due to mismatch in mental filters – may cause disharmony in the relationship – and lead to marital discord – which in turn may snowball into disastrous consequences – and which can – in extremis – even lead to breakdown of the marriage.
So – before you communicate with someone – at work and at home – make sure that your “mental filters” are in “sync” with each other (mutually synchronized).
Otherwise – when you talk to someone – you will mean something – but – the other person will interpret something else – and this may create serious misunderstandings.
Remember:
There are 6 messages present in person-to-person communication process:
1. What you MEAN to say
2. What you ACTUALLY say
3. What the other person HEARS
4. What the other person THINKS is heard
5. What the other person SAYS
6. What you THINK the other person says
So – Dear Reader – when you are talking to someone – both of you must make sure that you are in perfect sync with each other – so that there is no ambiguity or confusion – and you achieve seamless effective inter-personal communication.
ARE YOU IN SYNC WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE TALKING TO...?
MENTAL FILTERS AND COMMUNICATION MISMATCH
Musings
By
VIKRAM KARVE
THE 6 MESSAGES IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
Suppose you are talking to someone – say your colleague – or your spouse – or your kid – or your friend – or even a stranger.
Communication is a two way process.
Assume that there are two of you talking to each other – engaging in interpersonal communication.
Now – when you speak to someone you – will be watching her – and observing her body language.
Similarly – she in turn will be doing the same.
So interpersonal communication will comprise not only verbal speech – but non-verbal cues as well.
Let us assume that you say something to the person in front of you – and she says something back to you in reply.
There will be six messages present in this person-to-person communication process:
1. What you MEAN to say
2. What you ACTUALLY say
3. What the other person HEARS
4. What the other person THINKS is heard
5. What the other person SAYS
6. What you THINK the other person says
Interpretation of Communication (deriving messages from a communication) depends on many factors ranging from intellectual to emotional to cognitive - all these factors constitute your MENTAL FILTER.
How you interpret a communication depends on your mental filters at that point of time which, apart from your intellectual, emotional and cognitive aspects, is also governed by various factors like your mood, quality and type of relationship with the other person, the environment in which the communication is taking place.
And it is similar for the other person talking to you.
In order to reduce communication mismatch, it is essential that your mental filter is in sync with the person talking to you and vice versa.
Otherwise there will be ambiguities in the messages exchanged and this may have undesirable ramifications, and, at times, may even lead to discord and conflict.
AN EXAMPLE OF HOW MENTAL FILTERS DISTORT MESSAGES IN A COMMUNICATION DUE TO SELECTIVE INTERPRETATION
Let me try to explain this with an illustrative example:
Imagine that a husband and wife are driving right across Pune from Wakad to Koregaon Park – one evening – for a party.
Their car crawls at snail’s pace in the heavy traffic on the busy crowded roads of Pune – a city where traffic is the worst nightmare – especially in peak hours like evenings.
The car is waiting at a red traffic signal.
Suddenly – the traffic signal turns green – and the wife says to her husband:
“The signal has become green...!!!”
Now – in his mind’s eye – the husband can interpret this simple communication from his wife in a number of ways.
The way in which he interprets this simple statement made by his wife – it depends on his mental filter at that point of time.
The husband’s response to his wife’s simple statement will depend on how he interprets his wife’s communication – which in turn will depend on his mental filter at the point of time.
Here are a few examples of how the husband will interpret his wife’s simple communication (“The signal has become green...!”) – and how he may reply back to his wife.
Dear Reader – remember – the wife had said to her husband:
“The signal has become green...!!!”
1. One husband may think his wife means to say:
“Can’t you see...? The traffic light has turned green...!!!”
So he may retort angrily to his wife:
“Of course I can see ... I am not blind...!!!”
(Remember – the wife had merely said:
“The signal has become green...!!!”
The wife never stated that her husband is blind)
2. Another husband may think his wife is hurrying him up – and he may interpret the meaning of what his wife’s communication as:
“Come on, you slow-poke – hurry up – we are already late...”
On interpreting his wife’s communication in this fashion – the husband may snap back at his wife:
“Don’t unnecessarily hustle me – let me drive properly...!!!”
(Remember – the wife had merely said:
“The signal has become green...!!!”
The wife never stated that her husband is a slow-poke and drives too slowly)
3. A third “hen-pecked” husband may assume that his wife has started off her nagging again.
So – this husband will say irritably to his wife:
“Stop your nagging and backseat driving – why don’t you drive the car yourself instead of passing comments...?”
(Remember – the wife had merely said:
“The signal has become green...!!!”
The wife just wanted to draw the attention of her husband to the traffic signal – she had no intention of nagging him)
Now – in each of these 3 cases – on hearing her husband’s remarks – the wife may:
1. She may choose to remain silent
or
2. She may “appropriately” respond to the husband’s comments and give him a “fitting” reply
If she decides to retort – the husband may reply back – and then the conversation will go on and on – and the result will be that – more “heat” – and less “light” – is generated.
What if a husband just ignores the wife’s remarks...?
Suppose he remains silent and says nothing...?
Well – the wife may interpret her husband’s silence in a number of ways depending on her mental filter – and she will respond accordingly – and say something to her husband again.
Or – she too may remain silent – resulting in breakdown of “verbal communication” – though – “non-verbal communication” may continue.
(Remember – SILENCE is a very effective way of conveying non-verbal messages – and sometimes – silence can be quite powerful too – like they say – “a deafening silence”...!!!)
Whichever way the wife chooses to give her husband a “fitting” reply – this may provoke the husband further – and the “communication” cycle will continue.
HARMONY OF MENTAL FILTERS FOR EFFECTIVE INTER-PERSONAL COMMUNICATION
HOW TO BE IN SYNC WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE COMMUNICATING WITH
Interpretation of communication – drawing inferences – it all depends on your “mental filters” –doesn’t it...?
Your mental filters “colour” your cognition – and they influence (bias or prejudice) your interpretation of the message in a communication.
The sine qua non for Effective Communication is Harmony of Mental Filters.
If there is a Mismatch in Mental Filters – the result is Misinterpretation of Messages – due to interpreting “implied meanings” – where there were none.
Like we highlighted in the example of communication between husband and wife – repeated misinterpretation of communication can snowball and spiral into an unhealthy communication cycle – and can damage inter-personal relationships – both at work and at home.
For example – in a marriage – repeated misinterpretation of mutual communication between husband and wife – due to mismatch in mental filters – may cause disharmony in the relationship – and lead to marital discord – which in turn may snowball into disastrous consequences – and which can – in extremis – even lead to breakdown of the marriage.
So – before you communicate with someone – at work and at home – make sure that your “mental filters” are in “sync” with each other (mutually synchronized).
Otherwise – when you talk to someone – you will mean something – but – the other person will interpret something else – and this may create serious misunderstandings.
Remember:
There are 6 messages present in person-to-person communication process:
1. What you MEAN to say
2. What you ACTUALLY say
3. What the other person HEARS
4. What the other person THINKS is heard
5. What the other person SAYS
6. What you THINK the other person says
So – Dear Reader – when you are talking to someone – both of you must make sure that you are in perfect sync with each other – so that there is no ambiguity or confusion – and you achieve seamless effective inter-personal communication.
VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
1. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Abridged and updated of my article on Effective Communication by Vikram Karve posted in my blog.
Here is the url link to my original post in this blog: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/09/are-you-in-sync-with-person-you-are.html and https://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/04/effective-communication_20.html etc
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