Humor in Uniform : The More You Drink – The “Higher” You Go

During one of my rare visits to a CSD Canteen – I saw a notice on the wall specifying the Monthly Liquor Quota for various ranks. 

This reminded me of a Spoof I had written many years ago titled THE MORE YOU DRINK – THE “HIGHER” YOU GO. 

Dear Reader – Here is the Spoof once more for you to read and have a laugh... 

THE MORE YOU DRINK – THE “HIGHER” YOU GO 
(A Fictional Spoof by Vikram Karve)

A few days ago – a Military Veteran was engaged in a hot discussion with a Retired Civil Services Officer – the Military Veteran was complaining about the raw deal given to the Defence Services vis-a-vis Civil Services in pay/allowances/perks by successive Pay Commissions. 

To counter this argument – the Retired Bureaucrat said: 

“But – Defence Personnel get Subsidised Liquor – which is not given to Civil Services...” 

I thought about it. 

The Civilian Bureaucrat was correct. 

The only exclusive perk that the Military gets is “Liquor Quota” (Liquor at Concessional Rates through CSD Canteens).

There are many various exclusive Civilian Perks like ACP, NFU, Higher Allowances, Faster Guaranteed Promotions, Retirement Age 60 years etc – which are not given to Defence Personnel.

On the other hand – amost all erstwhile Defence Perks like Canteen Stores Department (CSD) Canteen Facilities etc – all these Defence Perks have been extended to Civilians from time to time.

Recently – CSD Canteen facilities were given to Retired Defence Civilian Employees on par with Military Veterans. 

So – the only exclusive “Military Perk” that remains is “Liquor Quota”. 

However - only those Military Personnel who drink alcohol are able to derive benefit from the Liquor Quota. 

Those Military Personnel who do not drink alcohol (teetotallers) lose out on this exclusive military perk – since these “Teetotallers in Uniform” are not able to benefit from this Liquor Quota. 

Yes – sadly – all military non-drinkers lose out on this exclusive perk of concessional liquor.

Also – such teetotaller officers/soldiers who lose out on this Liquor Quota perk are not compensated in any way – and hence – they are totally deprived of this exclusive military perk of Liquor Quota...

Unlike various “in lieu” compensatory allowances like HRA (House Rent Allowance in lieu of Govt Accommodation) MILR (Money in lieu of Ration) etc – sadly – there is no provision for MILL (Money in lieu of Liquor). 

Let’s hope that the “powers-that-be” introduce a new MILL (Money in lieu of Liquor) allowance for non-drinker teetotallers in military uniform to compensate them for the loss of being not able to derive benefit from the exclusive military perk of subsidised liquor. 

While drinkers can be given their existing authorised monthly “Liquor Quota” – non-drinker teetotallers can be given “MILL” (Money in lieu of their monthly Liquor Quota)

“MILL” will be very easy to compute: 

Monthly MILL Allowance = the monetary difference between civil market rate and military concessional rate for the full authorised Monthly “Liquor Quota”.  

Ha Ha – talking of “Liquor Quota” – I remembered this article I had written a few years ago... 

OROQ (One Rank One Quota)

I have a contrarian view about OROP.

I feel that the “One Rank One Pension” (OROP) concept is unfair – since it links Pension to Rank.

Thus – OROP will mainly benefit High Ranking Officers.

I feel that “length of service” should be given more importance than rank while computing pension. 

In fact – pension should be based on years of loyal service rendered to the nation.

Who deserves more pension:– 

A Colonel with 35 years of service – or a Brigadier with 25 years of service…?

After retirement – financial needs are the same for military veterans.

I therefore feel that it is logical, equitable and ethical to give pay and pension based on the years of active service rendered in the armed forces. 

However – I am a “nonentity” – so I have no choice but to accept this skewed concept of OROP.

If you agree with me that OROP is unjust to lower ranks – let me tell you that the concept of OROQ is even worse and more discriminatory.

The issue of OROP (One Rank One Pension) was raised only a few years ago. 

But – the concept of OROQ (One Rank One Quota) is existing since time immemorial.

(In the acronym “OROQ” –  the “Quota” refers to “Booze” or “Liquor” Quota)

Sometime ago – I saw a prominent notice outside the “Liquor Section” of a Military CSD Canteen.

You must be aware that as a “perk” – Defence Services (Armed Forces), Paramilitary, and maybe, some Central/State Police Personnel – all these “faujis” are entitled to liquor at concessional rates – and probably some “part-time faujis” like Reservists, Territorial Army, NCC Officers, Defence Civilians etc also enjoy this privilege of subsidised liquor at concessional rates.

Even teetotallers get a liquor quota – which either lapses and gets wasted – or is illegally siphoned off to non-entitled civilians.

It would be a good idea to give military non-drinkers Subsidized Milk or Fruit Juice in lieu of Liquor – till such time a proper MILL (Money in lieu of Liquor) allowance for non-drinker teetotallers is introduced in the Defence Services.

Coming back to the story – on the notice board – were listed the monthly “Liquor Quotas” for various military ranks, serving and retired. 

You don’t believe me...?

Have a look at the picture below showing Monthly Liquor Quota for various ranks in units (bottles) of Liquor (this may be outdated) 

Monthly CSD Liquor Quota

When I questioned this bizarre logic of OROQ (One Rank One Quota) – a Military Veteran explained that Senior Officers need to drink more alcohol to alleviate the stress due to work pressures at High Rank. 

(The higher the rank – the higher the stress level – and – the more the quantity of alcohol required to alleviate the stress) 

Fine. 

Maybe senior officers have to drink more alcohol since they are more stressed out than junior officers and soldiers. 

But what about after retirement...?

Why have different “Rank Based Liquor Quotas” for Military Veterans after Retirement (and for widows/parents)...? 

Crazy logic – isn’t it...? 

And – once you reach the top of the ladder – do you require to drink huge quantities of booze (unlimited liquor quota) – even after retirement...? 

If they say that “military intelligence” is an oxymoron – then “military logic” is an even greater oxymoron...!!! LOL 

In the Defence Services – Rank Has its Privileges (RHIP) – yes – in the “military” – everything depends on rank – especially perks and privileges – even after retirement – so even the liquor quota was based on the RHIP Principle – yes – your liquor quota increases in direct proportion to your rank – the higher your rank – the more booze you get – even after retirement.

This was known to me – as I was well aware of the rank conscious “feudal” culture still prevalent in the Defence Services.

But as I read down the list – I was taken aback.

Apparently – even widows were entitled a “Liquor Quota”.

(I was not aware that widows were entitled a liquor quota – both my mother and my mother-in-law are widows of defence officers – but I have never seen them drawing liquor from the CSD Canteen)

What surprised me was that even this widow’s liquor quota was as per the deceased husband’s rank – the higher the deceased husband’s rank – the more bottles of liquor his widow was entitled every month.

As per the “Widows’ Liquor Quota” shown in the picture above – widows of Generals were entitled 7 bottles a month – for widows of other officers it was 5 bottles a month – and was 3 bottles of liquor for the rest. 

I was amazed at the absurdity of this liquor quota for widows.

Firstly – was there any logic in incentivizing widows to drink liquor?

Secondly – do most widows really drink liquor?

Thirdly – do widows of senior officers require to drink more liquor than other military widows? 

I wonder how many widows actually draw their monthly liquor quota – and in case of widows who regularly take their monthly liquor quota from the CSD Canteen – there are no prizes for guessing where the subsidized liquor is going.

I had seen RHIP “rank discrimination” for perks and privileges for military personnel and veterans – but to extend this RHIP concept to widows – and that too for “Widow’s Liquor Quota” – it seemed quite absurd to me – extending RHIP even after death of the “fauji”.  

All these thoughts reminded me of a spoof I had written more than 5 years ago titled: 

THE MORE YOU DRINK THE HIGHER YOU GO

So let me delve into my HUMOR IN UNIFORM archives – and pull out this spoof – and post it once more under a new title BOOZE LOGIC : “OLQ = ALCOHOL TOLERANCE LEVEL” for you to read, enjoy and mull over.

Disclaimer:
This is a “Humor in Uniform” story – so – before you start reading the blog post – please read the “disclaimer” below. 
The article is a spoof – so read it only if you have a “sense of humor” – which seems to be scarce nowadays – especially among the uniformed fraternity. 

BOOZE LOGIC : OLQ = ALCOHOL TOLERANCE LEVEL 

DOES DRINKING ALCOHOL IMPROVE YOUR OLQ (Officer Like Qualities)...?

or conversely 

DO SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE NEED TO DRINK MORE ALCOHOL...? 

MUSINGS ON LIQUOR QUOTA 
A Fictional Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer: 

1. Please read this blog post only if you have a “Sense of Humor”. This is a Spoof – simple lighthearted humor – just for a laugh. So please take it with a “pinch of salt” and have a hearty laugh.

2. Serious humorless mentally straitjacketed “Service-Minded OG Types” are advised not to read this article.

3. This spoof is a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

RHIP (Rank Has Its Privileges) and OROQ (One Rank One Quota)

Here is one of my retirement musings on what I feel is an absurd interpretation and ludicrous implementation of the Rank Has Its Privileges or RHIP Concept. 

I am posting it once more for you to read, enjoy and ponder over. 

As I said, this is a spoof, for fun, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh

Cheers ... !!! 

DOES DRINKING ALCOHOL IMPROVE YOUR “OFFICER LIKE QUALITIES” (OLQ)...?

Conventional wisdom says that as you grow older – you should reduce your consumption of alcohol – yes – even doctors say that you should drink less liquor as you grow senior. 

However – the Military Canteen Stores Department (CSD) seems to think otherwise.

The more senior you become – the more booze you are supposed to drink.

Yes – your Liquor Quota increases according to your rank.

I am not aware of the exact liquor quota nowadays – but in our time – junior officers got about 12 bottles of booze a month – the mid-level officers got 14 bottles a month – and senior officers got 16 bottles a month – and flag officers (Admirals) got unlimited liquor. 

I understand that even after retirement – Generals, Admirals and Air Marshals enjoy unlimited liquor entitlement. 

Well – the number of booze bottles in the rank based liquor quotas may have changed – but the logic remains the same:

Your Liquor Quota increases in direct proportion to your Rank

Going by this Topsy-Turvy Logic one may draw the inference that: 

The more senior you become – the more liquor you are supposed to drink.

Conversely – as a corollary – one may surmise that: 

Promotion is directly proportional to your drinking capacity or alcohol tolerance level. 

The inference that can be drawn is that: 

Drinking Alcohol Enhances OLQ (Officer Like Qualities). 

In a nutshell – this liquor quota conundrum seems to be like a vicious cycle:

1. SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE NEED TO DRINK MORE ALCOHOL 

(on the premise that – high rank increases the appetite for alcohol)

2. TO BE SUCCESSFUL YOU MUST DRINK MORE ALCOHOL 

(on the premise that – Drinking Enhances OLQ or “Officer Like Qualities”)

Yes – the more the booze you can put down the hatch – and the more alcohol you can imbibe – the greater are your chances of promotion to higher ranks. 

Ostensibly – in the Army and Navy – Career Prospects are linked to Drinking Capacity. 

Your promotion depends on your drinking prowess.

It is simple: 

The more you drink – the higher you go 

THE MORE YOU DRINK – THE “HIGHER” YOU GO

DOES AN EXCEPTION PROVE THE RULE...?

Let me now digress a bit. 

There is a saying:

AN EXCEPTION PROVES THE RULE 

By the way – at least in my case – this “promotion is directly proportional to drinking capacity” theory did not hold true. 

For had this premise been foolproof – then “yours truly” would surely have become an Admiral – because in my heyday – I could comfortably polish off more than half a bottle of Rum in a drinking session – yes – I had enormous capacity to hold my drinks – and I could easily drink most of the guys under the table.

Sadly – now – I am a teetotaller – but during my early Navy Days – I loved to drink – and I was a passionate drinker with great drinking capacity. 

If career prospects indeed depended on drinking capacity – I should have certainly gone high up the promotion ladder.

But – maybe – I was an exception to the rule. 

And – of course – there is a saying: “an exception proves the rule”

ALCOHOL TOLERANCE and PROMOTION POTENTIAL

Jokes apart – I feel that this absurd logic of a “pecking order” for liquor quotas is a rather bizarre interpretation of the RANK HAS ITS PRIVILEGES (RHIP) concept. 

In fact – it is a rather feudal approach. 

It extends the evil of “rank based discrimination” to absurd limits.

Can you please tell me:

By what logic does an elderly senior officer require to drink more alcohol than his much more younger and youthful junior...?

In fact – if you ask me – it may be more prudent to give more liquor quota to young carefree bachelor officers – and keep them in “high spirits” – rather than facilitate senior married officers to drown their sorrows in alcohol and damage their health – besides ruining their family life. 

This “RHIP discrimination” continues after retirement too.

This “RHIP discrimination” happens – despite the fact that – once you retire from military service – you become a civilian – and you are considered equal in status with all others – irrespective of your service rank.

Of course – going by the logic of Rank Based Liquor Quotas – while you are in service – your Promotion Potential is directly linked to your Drinking Capacity (also called Alcohol Tolerance Level in medical parlance). 

If you are a good drinker – you will have two advantages in the military:

1. Your drinking prowess will enable you reach high rank while in service.

2. Once you hang up your boots – your high rank will ensure that you get a higher liquor quota even after retirement.

And now – someone tells me – even the paramilitary forces want to join the liquor quota bandwagon – and are applying the same bizarre “RHIP Logic” for determining liquor quotas – and want to continue the same rank-consciousness after retirement too.

Some uninitiated civilians must be wondering what is this “liquor quota” all about.

Well – maybe some veteran can correct me – but as far as I understand – this Liquor Quota concept seems to be “Relic of the British Raj”. 

MILITARY LIQUOR QUOTA – A RELIC OF THE BRITISH RAJ...?

The genesis of this liquor quota probably goes back to the days of the British Raj when a British Officer serving in India away from home was given a certain amount of liquor at concessional rates. 

After Independence – like most rules and regulations made by the erstwhile British rulers – this concept was continued. 

Yes – in many cases – we continue to follow archaic “Royal” traditions in our Defence and Civil Services – some obsolete customs and traditions which even the British have done away with long ago. 

One wonders whether the British Defence Forces still have a Liquor Quota for their Servicemen and Military Veteran Ex-servicemen...?

“RUM BUM LASH” NAVY – BLACK TOT DAY

As far as the Royal Navy is concerned – I read somewhere that – the British Royal Navy has discontinued the daily “Rum Rations” given to sailors on board ships – which was a centuries-old tradition from the days of the “Rum Bum Lash” Navy 

(or Rum Sodomy Lash Navy – as Sir Winston Churchill is alleged to have famously quipped). 

This day – 31 July 1970 – the last day when Rum Rations were served to sailors – was observed as “Black Tot Day” 

Whether this “perk” of subsidized liquor is good or bad – this is a debatable issue. 

But – subsidized liquor quota is certainly an incentive to drink alcohol.

I remember that subsidized liquor (or “military rum” in popular parlance) was considered a big perk in the erstwhile days of prohibition – when drinking was not quite prevalent in civilian society – and there was hardly any good quality Indian Liquor available.

But nowadays – post liberalization and globalization – the choicest quality of liquor is freely available all over – and – since most states levy various Taxes and VAT on CSD goods anyway – there is hardly any price differential between the CSD and Civil rates – so gradually – a day will come when this “liquor quota” may become irrelevant once GST is implemented for alcohol. 

MILITARY LIQUOR QUOTA – RANK BIAS but NO GENDER BIAS

It is interesting to note that – whereas – there is “Rank Bias” in the entitlement of CSD Liquor Quota – there is no “Gender Bias” as far as booze is concerned. 

In the Defence Services – Liquor Quota is a “Gender Neutral” perk.

Yes – as far as drinking alcohol is concerned – Lady Officers of the Army, Navy and Air Force have equal opportunity to imbibe the same amount of Liquor as their Male Counterparts in the same Rank. 

Women may have less alcohol tolerance levels as compared to men. 

Women Officers may enjoy various “Gender Privileges” like relaxed physical standards and soft non-combat appointments.

But – as far as Liquor Quota is concerned – women officers enjoy the same liquor quota entitlement as their male “brother officers”.

Liquor Quota is “gender neutral”. 

In the matter of booze – your gender does not matter – it is only your rank that matters.

Cheers for “gender equality”. 

In fact – there is “gender privilege” in case a woman officer outranks her male colleague. 

A senior female officer will get more liquor quota than a junior male officer.

And – if a female officer gets married to a fellow male officer (marriage in uniform) – then with both husband and wife each getting their liquor quotas – it is “cheers” all the way – yes – if you are a military officer and you marry a fellow military officer – you will have a “cheerful” marriage – full of “cheers”...!!!

That calls for a drink...!!! 

DOES DRINKING ALCOHOL IMPROVE YOUR OLQ (Officer Like Qualities)...?

But coming back to the moot point – I still have two sets of unanswered questions in my mind:

1. Are you supposed to drink more alcohol as you get senior...? 

Is there a correlation between Rank and the amount of alcohol you need to imbibe...? 

Do successful people need to drink more alcohol...?

Do senior officers need to drink more than their juniors...?

2. Is drinking capacity the key to career success...? 

Is promotion to senior ranks dependent on your drinking prowess...? 

Do you need to drink more alcohol to be successful...? 

Is there truth in the premise:

“The More You Drink – The Higher You Go...” 

Ha Ha – I know that you become “high” when you drink – but this “high” refers to spirits (“high spirits”) – whereas in the context Military Liquor Quota – the “high” refers to rank.

Do you go higher in your military career if you drink more alcohol...?

For a Defence Services Officer – everything depends on your OLQ (Officer Like Qualities).

So – to put everything we have discussed in a nutshell – the Moot Question is: 

Does drinking alcohol improve your OLQ...?

Will some “veteran” be so good as to enlighten us by answering this question.

Till then – “Cheers” – enjoy your “quota” – and have a drink...!!! 

Also – Dear Readers – do let us know what you think of MILL (Money in lieu of Liquor) for non-drinker teetotallers in uniform...?

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

This is a Revised Version of my article THE MORE YOU DRINK THE HIGHER YOU GO written by me Vikram Karve more than 5 years ago in the year in August 2012 and first posted online by me in my various blogs including at 8/18/2012 11:24:00 PM  in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/08/the-more-you-drink-higher-you-go-rank.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/06/humor-in-uniform-drinking-prowess-and.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/03/humor-in-uniform-olq-alcohol-tolerance.html  andhttp://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/11/humor-in-uniform-booze-logic-one-rank.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/04/humor-in-uniform-oroq-one-rank-one-quota.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/08/humor-in-uniform-musings-on-liquor-quota.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/12/humor-in-uniform-why-senior-officers.html etc