Monday, January 16, 2017

Humor in Uniform – Water Routine Part 2 – Is Hamam Mein Sab Nange Nahin Hain (All Are Not Naked in this Bathroom)

Humor in Uniform – Water Routine Part 2 – Is Hamam Mein Sab Nange Nahin Hain (All Are Not Naked in this Bathroom)

Continued from Water Routine Part 1 – Is Hamam Mein Sab Nange Hain
url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/humor-in-uniform-life-at-sea-water.html

HOT WATER BATH
Hilarious Memories of My Unforgettable Navy Days
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE

I am sure you enjoyed Water Routine Part 1  Is Hamam Mein Sab Nange Hain

Now  here is Part 2 of the Water Routine Story:

The best thing about our ship was the Executive Officer (XO)  a Naval Aviator with a cheerful temperament and friendly nature  who never pulled rank and took everyone along.

He also happened to be the PMC – and the result was that  despite the hardships  we had a very happy wardroom  and this cordial atmosphere percolated to the lower decks as well.

The XO did not demand any special privileges – in fact – he had quite a laissez faire approach to work  and he would happily join us in the “Is Haman Mein Sab Nange Hain”  इस हामान में सब नंगे हैं combined nude bathing sessions.

You may say that I am generalizing  and you may not agree with me  but in my opinion – Naval Aviators make the best XO’s on ships.

On my earlier ship too  it was like a breath of fresh air when a Naval Aviator replaced a most painful nit-picking XO.

Naval Aviators came on board ships for their “mandatory sea tenure” – and then they went back to flying duties. 

So  they wanted a happy sea-time  and they did not harass the crew.

Accordingly  after spending one year on board our ship  our Naval Aviator XO went back to his first love  aviation duties  and the Captain changed too.

The new XO  a Communicator  was a namby-pamby wimp  an effeminate sissy  and  like most communicators  he was a smooth-talking pernickety pain in the arse (ass).

“He is a bloody prick...” said an officer who had served with the XO on an earlier ship.

“You mean prig...?” we asked.

“I mean “prick” – P R I C K...” he spelt it out loud and clear.

“Okay  let’s say he is a priggish prick...” we said.

Soon  it was unanimously agreed that the new XO was a “priggish prick”.

But  since the XO was more of a “Prick” than a “Prig”  everyone called him “Prick”.

The new XO found fault with everything  and worse  he blamed his predecessor  the well-liked Naval Aviator XO  for being too lenient – and thereby spoiling the crew.

A constipated, frustrated “killjoy”  the new XO tried his best to make life as painful as possible.

Though small in stature, light in weight and effeminate in appearance  the new XO feigned a rather amusing spectacle as he tried to pull rank and throw his weight around  trying to demonstrate that he was the second-in-command of the ship.

This snobbish posturing may have worked elsewhere  but such amateurish antics cut no ice on this frontline warship which had a hardened crew.

Ever since he had arrived  the XO had started a running battle with the Flight Commander over OOW and OOD duties.

Though the Flight Commander was a qualified sea watchkeeper  by convention  Naval Aviators did not do watchkeeping duties on this ship  and the other Executive Officers did not seem to mind.

However  the new XO embarked on a holy crusade to “teach him a lesson” – and get the Naval Aviators to do watchkeeping duties.

And indeed – the new XO wanted to teach everyone a lesson  especially all of us from the earlier crew.

Someone said that the XO was an Air Force grounded cadet  sidestepped into the Navy  and because of this  he hated all pilots  since he had failed to qualify as one.

One evening  during a longish sailing  feeling grimy without a bath thanks to the strict water routine due to the perpetual shortage of water  I was sitting in my cabin finishing some paperwork.

“Do you want to have a hot water bath?” the Flight Commander said, peeping into my cabin.

“Hot water bath?” I said, surprised, looking at the Flight Commander, who looked freshly bathed and smelt of soap.

“Go quickly to the bathroom. The fresh-water-tanky will be waiting for you with a bucket of hot water. After you finish your bath, ask him to get another bucket of hot water for Guns – I’ll tell Guns...” the Flight Commander said.

“You got water with you on the helo or what?” I asked.

The Flight Commander, who was a good friend of mine, laughed loudly  and he said, “Come on, don’t be crazy. The hot water bucket was meant for “Prick” – I hijacked the hot water bucket.”

“What the bloody hell is going on? That bloody “Prick” is bathing in hot water when others don’t even get a drop of water to drink?” I commented.

“After Guns finishes, we’ll tell Senior – I wonder if he knows what’s happening?” the Flight Commander said.

As usual  there had been a strict water routine during this sailing too  so who could refuse the offer of a bath – and that too the luxury of a hot water bath.

So  I rushed to the bathroom.

The fresh-water-tanky was standing by with a bucket of hot water in his hand.

The moment he saw me in a towel, his face dropped  and the fresh-water-tanky pleaded with me: “Sir  the water routine is only in the morning. Sir  this water is meant for the XO. Flight Commander took one bucket – and now you also will have a bath...?”

“Have you taken permission from Senior Engineer...?” I shouted.

“No, Sir – the XO has asked me not to tell anyone...” the fresh-water-tanky said.

“From where have you got the hot water...?” I asked.

“I got it from the ship’s galley, Sir...” the fresh-water-tanky said.

“After I finish my bath  you go and get one more bucket for the Gunnery Officer,” I said, “and then  you go and get one more bucket of hot water for the Senior Engineer.”

“Sir  what about the XO – there will be no water left for him...” the hapless fresh-water-tanky pleaded.

“The XO can do dry cleaning. Now you go and get water for Guns and Senior Engineer...” I ordered him.

The XO was waiting in his cabin for the fresh-water-tanky to “report readiness” to him.

After some time  the XO got impatient.

So  the XO walked down to the officers’ bathroom.

As usual  the XO was properly turned out (in an officer-like manner) wearing a bath-robe.

The XO opened the door of the officers’ bathroom.

The sight that he saw totally startled him.

Two totally naked hairy scary hulks  Guns and Senior  were bathing away to glory totally nude in their Birthday Suits.

It was a terrible sight  and the namby-pamby effeminate XO felt a shiver of fear as he saw the two redoubtable officers looking hungrily at him.

Magnanimously  the stark naked officers invited the XO to join them for a bath.

The XO beat a hasty retreat.

VIKRAM KARVE
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Disclaimer:
1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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