Metrosexual in Uniform – Military Humor

Humor in Uniform

Meaning of the word “Metrosexual” – a usually urban heterosexual male given to enhancing his personal appearance by fastidious grooming, beauty treatments, and fashionable clothes (merriam-webster)

METROSEXUAL IN UNIFORM

A Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

This happened 30 years ago – in the mid 1980’s – when I was a newly appointed “Directing Staff” (DS) at IAT Pune.

I had barely settled down in my new job – when a paper landed on my table.

I had been appointed “Chairman” of the IAT CSD Canteen.

In actual fact – this was no great appointment.

This was a “bum job” – a sundry duty I had to do in addition to my primary job.

And the high-sounding “Chairman” meant nothing – it was IAT parlance for what we in the Navy called “Officer-in-Charge”.

But – I was in seventh heaven – because I had never been appointed “Chairman” before.

Power went to my head – and I immediately decided to “take charge” – and “show off” my power of “command”.

I decided to pay an immediate visit to my new “empire”.

I summoned the Canteen Manager – an Army JCO

I peremptorily ordered him to get the CSD Canteen opened for my visit.

“Sir – why don’t you come in the evening – when the canteen opens?” he suggested.

“No. I want to take rounds of the canteen right now. And I want to speak to all the canteen staff,” I said firmly – and then I asked the Canteen JCO: “Do you have any problems?”

“No Problems, Sir. I will summon the staff. We will be ready to receive you in 15 minutes,” the Canteen Manager said.

15 minutes later – when I reached the CSD Canteen – located in a dilapidated Nissan Hut – I found the motley canteen staff assembled there.

The Canteen Manager JCO introduced them to me.

I gave them the usual “motivational” pep talk (which they must have heard ad nauseam from every incoming “Chairman”).

“Is there anything urgent?” I asked the Canteen Manager.

“Sir – the monthly demand has to go by tomorrow to the CSD depot. I have already prepared the demand list. I will get the demand list to your office for your signature in the afternoon. If you sign it today – I will send someone to the depot first thing in the morning tomorrow,” he said.

“Why bring it to my office? I will sign the demand right now. That’s how we work in the Navy – we do things ‘right here and right now’...” I bullshitted the JCO.

The Canteen Manager JCO pulled out a huge list from the cupboard.

I was taken aback on seeing the huge demand list – so I asked the Canteen Manager: “Why have you made such a huge list...? Is this a bloody military canteen or a departmental store...?”

The Canteen Manager did not say anything.

I started reading the list.

Then – I took out my pen from my pocket – and – I started striking out items from the list with strokes of my pen

“Sir – what are you doing...?” the JCO asked, looking alarmed.

“Why have you ordered so many cosmetics...?” I asked him.

“Cosmetics...? Sir...?” he asked, looking clueless.

“Hair Dye, Fairness Cream, Body Lotions, Beauty Soap, Lipstick, Nail Polish, Perfumes…? What the hell is all this...?” I thundered.

“Sir – these beauty products are in high demand,” the JCO said.

“Are you telling me that soldiers are using fairness creams and colouring their hair with hair-dye...?” I shouted.

“Sir – some officers…” the JCO mumbled.

I looked at the JCO and said firmly: “All ‘faujis’ – yes – all ‘faujis’ – officers and soldiers – all ‘faujis’ are supposed to be tough masculine men – we do not want effeminate metrosexuals in the defence services – military men are not supposed to use makeup or cosmetics. Is that clear...?”

“Yes, Sir,” the JCO said, “but the ladies…”

“What ladies…? This applies to military wives too – both ‘faujis’ and ‘faujans’ are supposed to lead simple lives of thrift and frugality. Didn’t I tell you before – this is a bloody military canteen – not a fancy beauty store…” I shouted at the confused Canteen Manager JCO.

I continued to strike off all the “cosmetic” items from the list – while the Canteen Manager watched on.

“Sir – Sir – why have you removed ‘Hair Fixer’ from the demand list...?” he said, looking alarmed.

“Isn’t ‘hair fixer’ a cosmetic...?” I asked.

“No, Sir – it is like a wax – Sir – to put on your beard – so you can tie it up…” the JCO said.

I stroked my handsome full-set Navy beard – and said to the Army JCO: “Look at me – I have a proper full-set flowing beard – I never use ‘hair fixer’ – and – I don’t tie up my beard…” 

“Sir – you are in the Navy – in the Army…” the JCO stammered, looking anxious.

He had a point.

Whereas we in the Navy kept our beards free-flowing – the ‘Pongos’ who kept beards seemed to tie up their beards in some sort of net.

So – in the interest of ‘jointmanship’ and ‘interservice camaraderie’ – I said to the Canteen JCO: “Okay, okay – if you feel ‘hair fixer’ is essential – let ‘hair fixer’ be there on the list…” 

“Thank you, Sir,” the JCO said, looking relieved.

I observed that the CSD canteen staff was looking at me.

I believe in ‘participative’ management – so I decided to involve all the staff. 

I gave the list to the Canteen Manager.

Then – I said to all my canteen staff:

“Come on – all of you – go through the demand list and strike out all cosmetics and beauty products – and also remove all items which are not essential. We should have just one type of every item – for example – we should order just one brand of soap – which is essential for hygiene – soldiers have no need for beauty soaps – do you understand – just have one type of every item which is essential for ‘faujis’ – preferably the cheapest item which ‘faujis’ can afford – I want no fancy or luxury items in this canteen…”

Everyone used their initiative – and ‘non-essential’ items were struck of the list with a vengeance – till the demand was reduced to just one page.

“Sir – what about the ‘beauty products’ we already have stocked in the canteen? Should we throw them out and write them off...?” a ‘highly motivated’ Fauji Johnnie asked.

“No – we cannot throw out items in stock. So you keep selling these cosmetics and beauty products till stocks last – but there is to be no further procurement of cosmetic items,” I said.

The stocks of ‘beauty products’ did not last long.

The first beauty product to be “sold out” was Hair Dye.

I came to know of this during our customary mid-morning Tea Break.

A ‘Cavalry’ Colonel with suspiciously black hair approached me.

The Colonel complained to me that there was no hair-dye in the CSD canteen.

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This blog post is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Revised Version of my article METROSEXUAL SOLDIER written by me on Feb 20, 2015 and posted online in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/02/humor-in-uniform-metrosexual-soldier.html  and later on May 17, 2015 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/should-soldiers-use-cosmetics.html