HUMOUR IN UNIFORM
“PORTHOLE STRATEGY”
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE
NAVY STYLE “PORTHOLE STRATEGY”
In the 1970’s we had a maverick Supply
Officer (of the erstwhile S&S Branch) on our ship.
Those days – Supply & Secretariat
(S&S) Branch Officers were the self-styled “experts” on all Secretarial
matters like office correspondence.
The ship was not air-conditioned – yes – it
was one of the last of the Non-AC ships in the fleet.
Also – in the 1970s – there was no internet,
no email etc – so all correspondence was on paper by “snail mail” – via the
postal service.
If the ship was sailing – which was most
often the case – the letters would arrive in “mail bags” – which would chase
the ship – and try to catch the ship in the next port-of-call.
Sometimes – it would take a month or so – or even
more – for a letter to reach the ship.
One day – as we arrived in a distant port
after a long sailing – a mail bag arrived – and among the mail was a letter from
Headquarters asking for some inconsequential details – about which everyone in
my department seemed clueless.
So – I went to our Supply Officer to seek
advice.
“Do you feel the letter is important?” the
Supply Officer asked me.
“No Sir – I don’t think this letter is important – it seems
to be a standard ‘duty watch’ letter issued to all ships in which they are
asking for some trivial details from all ships about which I am clueless,” I
said.
“Is the letter classified?” he asked.
“No Sir,” I said.
“Then – just throw the letter out of the
porthole,” he said.
“What? Throw this letter out of the porthole into the
sea?” I said, taken aback.
“Yes – throw it out of the porthole. The way we are sailing – they will wait for
at least a month or two for a reply – and maybe they will forget about it – or they
may send a reminder. So – it will take at least two months before the reminder
arrives on board. Then – if and when a reminder letter comes – throw that
letter out of the porthole too. By the time the next reminder comes – both you
and I will transferred be out of this ship – and our successors will figure out
what the letter was all about,” the Supply Officer said.
“Aye Aye, Sir,” I said.
“Check again – I hope the letter is not
classified,” the Supply Officer asked me.
“No Sir – this letter is not classified – but what
do we do to such inconsequential letters in case they are classified?” I asked.
“If the letter is classified – then file it
and forget about it,” he elaborated.
I was impressed by the Supply Officer’s
Mantra which encapsulated the gist of how to handle inconvenient/inconsequential
letters:
“If it was unclassified, throw it out of the
porthole – if it was classified, file and forget.”
I did not have the guts to throw the letter
out of the porthole into the sea (and I had my doubts about whether the Supply
Officer was being serious or was he just pulling my leg).
So – I buried the letter in a file and forgot
about it.
And there was no reminder till I was
transferred out of the ship 3 months later.
Soon – all ships were air-conditioned – so this
“porthole strategy” probably became obsolete.
Also – the S&S branch was abolished and
merged into the Executive Branch (“X” Branch) – so such gems of “secretarial
expertise” disappeared.
Of course – a few years after the merger of “X”
and “S&S” – when some ex-S&S officers reached high rank and threatened
to take over as CNS and CinC (since they were “Executive Officers” now) – in
order to obviate this possibility – the “powers-that-be” quickly re-created the
S&S Branch in a new avatar – and called it the Logistics Branch – but the new
Logistics Branch never had the élan of the erstwhile S&S Branch.
And now – with the advent of internet – and leaps
in information technology – they may have stopped all paper correspondence – and I wonder how the “porthole strategy” can be applied to digital correspondence – but I am sure that some geniuses must have found a way to do so and now “porthole strategy” must be much easier at the tap of some keyboard keys.
ARMY STYLE “PORTHOLE STRATEGY”
A few years later – I was “posted” to an
inter-services organization, dominated by the Army.
One day a letter arrived from Army
Headquarters.
The gist of the letter was that the
“powers-that-be” had taken a “serious view” regarding misuse of “sahayaks”
(batmen/orderlies).
The letter stated that “sahayaks” were combat
soldiers – and hence “sahayaks” were not to be employed for “demeaning” work and “undignified”
tasks.
The letter specified a list of “degrading”
tasks for which the use of “sahayaks” was prohibited.
One of the “prohibited tasks” was walking the
officer’s dog (dog-walking).
The letter clearly stated that “sahayaks”
were not to be tasked to take the officer’s dog for a walk.
If an officer asked his “sahayak” to take his
pet dog for a walk – then it would tantamount to misuse of the “sahayak”.
Well – that is what the letter said.
The letter was marked for wide circulation –
and some wisecrack in the office had highlighted the point regarding
dog-walking and endorsed: “copy to all dog owners”.
That is how a copy of the letter landed up on
my table.
I had a pet dog.
But – being a Naval Officer – I personally looked
after my own pet dog and took my dog for walks myself – since I did not enjoy
the luxury of a “sahayak” like my army counterparts.
In the evening – when I took out my dog for
the customary walk – I expected to see my fellow army officers walk their dogs –
in compliance with the directive to army officers that “sahayaks” were not to
be employed as “dog-walkers” for officers’ dogs.
But ‘Lo and Behold’ – what did I see?
The dogs were on their walks – but I did not
see any army officer taking his dog for a walk.
It was business as usual.
The Brigadier’s Golden Retriever was on his
walk with the Brigadier’s “sahayak”.
The Colonel’s Labrador, the Major’s German Shepherd,
even the Captain’s Cocker Spaniel – all the “army dogs” were being taken for a
walk by their respective “sahayaks”.
Only the “navy dog” was being taken for a
walk by his Master (yours truly).
It seemed that the army too followed the
“porthole strategy” as far as inconvenient orders were concerned.
VIKRAM KARVE
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1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
1. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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