An Extract from my Novel – Nobody’s Navy – a Fictional Spoof
Continued from:
NOBODY’S NAVY – a Fictional Spoof by VIKRAM KARVE
CHAPTER 1
STEALING AFFECTIONS – A MATTER OF HONOUR
“Stealing the
affections of a brother officer’s wife?” thundered the Admiral.
The Admiral looked
up from the paper he was reading, glared at Captain standing in front of him,
and said, “Kaka, I have tolerated a lot of nonsense from your ship, but I not
going to condone sexual misconduct.”
“He is
innocent, sir” said the Captain, the Commanding Officer of the mighty warship
INS Bijlee, the flagship of the Fleet.
Standing beside
the Admiral, a bespectacled Commander with yellow lace between his stripes, the
Judge Advocate General, called JAG, noticed that, though the Captain spoke in a
soft voice, he looked at the Admiral, his boss, the Fleet Commander, squarely
in the eye.
The JAG knew
that Kaka, as the Captain was known throughout the navy, was ex-Dufferin, an
officer of the old-mould, a tough cookie, unlike some of his more morally
pliable counterparts.
The Captain looked
a decisive, tenacious and determined man, with his broad square face,
heavy-lidded eyes and the deep lines at the sides of his mouth.
The Captain
never took things lying down.
And now he was
taking on his boss, the Admiral, his own Fleet Commander.
This was going
to be difficult.
“What the hell
do you mean he is innocent?” shouted the Admiral, “that piddly dope-entry
Sub-Lieutenant is caught red-handed screwing a Commander’s wife and you say he
is bloody innocent? If he was so frigging horny he could have dipped his bloody
wick elsewhere – there are plenty of fleet auxiliaries, so many opportunities
all over, the dockside is teeming with sugar girls, come on Kaka, you know all
this. If he was so bloody sex-starved he could have rogered a midshipman for
all I care – but stealing the affections of a senior officer’s wife? It’s just
not acceptable and I won’t tolerate it in my fleet.”
There was
silence.
The JAG smiled
to himself as he thought of the Admiral’s words.
In the navy it
was all a matter of form.
The moral issue
was a minor detail.
You could sow
your wild oats elsewhere, but stealing the affections of brother officers’
wives was taboo, and if you got caught, you were thrown out of the navy.
“Sir, please
listen…” the Captain broke the silence.
“No, Kaka,”
interrupted the Admiral, “It’s final. I have spoken to the C-in-C. We are
throwing the bugger out.”
He gestured to
the JAG who gave him a folder.
The Admiral
took out a typewritten sheet from the JAG, looked at it and exclaimed, “Nobody?
Sub-Lieutenant Nobody? What sort of name is that? Is he a bloody ding?”
“No Sir. He is
a bong. His name is an anglicized version of…”
“Doesn’t
matter,” the Fleet Commander interrupted the Captain.
The Admiral
gave the sheet of paper to the Captain, and said, “You just get his signature
on this and personally give it back to me by closing hours today.”
“Resignation
letter? You want him to resign his commission on compassionate grounds?” the
Captain said, looking incredulous.
“That’s the
best way,” the JAG spoke for the first time, “the C-in-C doesn’t want a
scandal. He’s going to Delhi tomorrow and he’ll get the papers cleared
personally. The C-in-C wants this officer out of the navy immediately. And he
wants it done discreetly.”
“Yes, Kaka, you
get his bloody signature, withdraw his ID card, throw him out of your ship, and
put him on a train home today itself. I don’t want to see the filthy bugger on
board when we sail out tomorrow,” the Admiral bellowed.
“Nonsense,” the
Captain said.
“What?” the
Admiral looked stunned.
“I am not a
post office. I am the Captain of a warship, the Flag Captain, the Commanding
Officer of the Flagship of the Western Fleet. You can’t punish a man without
hearing him out. It’s against the principles of naval justice,” the Captain
said firmly, raising his voice slightly for the first time.
“Justice my
bloody foot,” roared the Admiral, “you get this straight, Kaka. The
Commander-in-Chief desires that this officer is thrown out. I am your boss and
the C-in-C’s desire is my command. Kaka, don’t be stupid. There is no point
jeopardising your career for the sake that dodgy son of a bitch.”
“Sub-Lieutenant
Nobody is my officer, Sir, and it is my duty to be fair and just to all
officers and men under my command,” the captain said firmly.
“But the C-in-C
has desired…”
The Captain
interrupted the Admiral, and said bluntly, “The C-in-C is not above naval law.
He too is subject to the Navy Act. I respectfully submit, Sir, that due process
is followed, and the accused officer be heard, before you take a decision.”
The Admiral
winced – he said nothing, and he looked as if he were in deep thought, as if he
was weighing his options.
The JAG looked
at the two sea-dogs, both tough leaders, but with contrasting styles, the
profane hot-tempered volatile Admiral, and the steady soft-spoken Captain, who
did not say much, but whatever little he said was sensible and relevant.
“Okay,” the
Admiral said, “I will see the officer. Bring him to me as soon as possible.”
“He is waiting
outside,” the captain said.
The Admiral
smiled, “March him up to me in five minutes.”
“Aye, Aye,
Sir,” the Captain put on his peak cap.
The Captain
saluted smartly and walked off.
Five minutes
later Sub-Lieutenant Nobody stood at attention looking at the Admiral sitting
across the polished mahogany table.
His Captain sat
on a sofa on the side.
“Where is the
JAG?” the Captain asked.
“He’s not
required. I don’t want any of C-in-C’s goddam spies eavesdropping,” the Admiral
said to the Captain.
Then the
Admiral looked at Sub-Lieutenant Nobody, and said, “You are accused of stealing
the affections of Commander Kumar’s wife?”
“That’s not
true, Sir, I did not steal her affections,” Sub-Lieutenant Nobody said.
“What the hell
do you mean it is not true – you were caught red-handed trying to steal her
affections,” the Admiral shouted.
“Sir – actually
– in fact – it was not me – but it was she – it was she who tried to steal my
affections,” Sub-Lieutenant Nobody blurted out.
The Admiral
burst out laughing, “Are you some sort of crazy bugger? How the hell can she
steal your affections? Tomorrow you will say that a woman can rape a man. Now,
don’t give me bullshit. You are up the shit creek, so answer properly.”
“She was drunk,
Sir. She wanted me – but I restrained myself.”
“Just tell me
one thing, you dirty bugger – why the hell did you stay with her all night? The
whole world saw you in there with her – the milkman, the maid, the chowkidar – and, of course, the bloody
Flotilla Commander – he has even given a written complaint against you. And,
remember, he is a Senior Commodore. It is your word against his – and, in the
navy, the senior is always right.”
“Sir, he is the
root cause of everything?”
“Root cause –
the Commodore?”
“Yes, Sir – he is
responsible for what happened.”
“I see – now you
are blaming him for your troubles – can you please explain?”
“Sir, I was
sitting in Club watching the May Queen Ball when the lady came to me and asked
me to dance with her. I told her that I did not know how to dance. In fact I
had refused Tanya earlier when she asked me for a dance.”
“Tanya?”
“My daughter,
Sir,” the Captain said.
“I see,” the
Admiral hid a smile.
Then the
Admiral said to Sub-Lieutenant Nobody, “Go on. I am listening.”
“Sir, this lady
– she pulled me on the dance floor – and this Commodore tried to cut in – and she
told him to go away. The lady – she seemed quite drunk – and she seemed very
nervous and frightened – she told me she was not feeling well and asked me to
take her to her home on Marine Drive. So I took her in a taxi and dropped her
home.”
“It seems a
tall story – but suppose I believe you – you dropped her home – so that is when
you should have left and come back to your ship. Why the hell did you stay on
in her home?”
“Yes, Sir –
that is exactly what I wanted to do – but as I was about to leave – the Commodore
landed up – and he asked me what I was doing there – and he told me to get out.
The lady asked the Commodore to go away – but he insisted on staying – so I
asked him to go away – but he didn’t budge – so I pushed him out and I locked
the door.”
“You physically
pushed him out?”
“Yes, Sir – I had
to push him out since he refused to go away on his own, despite the lady asking
him to do so.”
“You knew he was
a Commodore, a superior officer?”
“Yes, Sir – I know
he is the flotilla commander.”
“Then what
happened? Why didn’t you leave after that?”
“She asked me
to stay. She was scared that he would come back. She said that the Commodore
was eyeing her ever since her husband joined the flotilla. And now he had sent
her husband away on a course and he was giving her unwelcome attentions – she said
he was trying to seduce her – he wanted to sleep with her – she told me that he
would come again if I left her alone – so she desperately asked me to stay.”
“So you stayed
on to save the ‘damsel in distress’ – come on, young man – tell your story to
the marines. You are making all this up to save yourself. I don’t believe any
lady would tell a stranger all this.”
“I swear I am
telling the truth, Sir – she was drunk, she was very drunk. She told me the
Commodore had forced her to drink, maybe even spiked her drinks. I asked her
why she went to Club with the Commodore if she knew his intentions and she told
me that her own husband was forcing her to sleep with his boss.”
“What
nonsense?”
“She said her
husband was very ambitious and wanted to get promoted at any cost.”
“I don’t
believe all this hogwash.”
“Sir, you will
never believe what she told me next.”
“What?”
“She said that
her husband is impotent – he is not able to do it.”
“So she wanted
you to do it?”
“Yes, Sir...”
“And you did it...?”
“No, Sir. She
tried her best – she pulled me towards her – and she kissed me. I did feel
tempted for a moment – but I controlled myself immediately. Then we slept, Sir –
and I woke up in the morning by the sound of the bell – and when I opened the
door I saw the milkman, the chowkidar,
the Commodore, and some others standing outside.”
The Admiral
stood up, came around the desk, and put his hands around Sub- Lieutenant Nobody’s
shoulders.
“Sit down,” the
Admiral told Nobody, gesturing towards a chair.
The Admiral
himself sat on the desk, and he said, “I have never heard such a tall story in
my life, but I like your brutal frankness, and my inner voice tells me that you
are speaking the truth. So I will make it easy for you – and for all of us. In
the navy we have a thing called honour. We don’t like to wash our dirty linen
in public. And the honourable thing for you to do is to put in your papers. I
hear you are an IIT type. You will surely get a job – maybe a much better job
than the navy. And if you do have any problem, we will help you out.”
The Captain
watched in silence, intrigued at the sudden change in the Admiral’s demeanour.
Instead of his
normal brash way, in which he treated subordinate officers like dirt, here, he
was almost pleading to the Sub-Lieutenant.
He must be
under real pressure from the C-in-C to hush up the matter, lest it blow up into
a scandal.
The Admiral
reached across his desk, picked up the typewritten resignation letter, and put
it in front of Sub-Lieutenant Nobody.
Sub-Lieutenant
Nobody read the letter, and said: “I will not resign, Sir – I love the navy –
and I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Do you know
the alternative?”
“Court Martial,
Sir.”
“You will be
charged with conduct unbecoming the character of an officer, conduct to the
prejudice of good order and naval discipline, maybe even striking a superior
officer, and if found guilty, you will be dismissed from the navy with disgrace
and locked up in jail for at least three years. And from the evidence at hand –
it looks like you will certainly be found guilty. So it is best for you to quit
the navy silently, without any fuss, and the honour of the navy remains
intact.”
“What about my
honour, sir?”
“Your honour – are
you crazy – you are up the shit creek – and you are talking of your honour?”
“Yes, my
honour, and the lady’s honour. If I resign – it will be an admission of guilt.”
“But you are
guilty.”
“I am not
guilty, Sir – I did not do anything wrong.”
“Son, don’t be
dogmatic. Take the easy choice.”
“Admiral, when
they blamed you for that collision at sea accident many years ago, you too
could have taken the easy choice, but you elected for a court martial, and you redeemed
your honour…”
“Get out of
here,” the Admiral shouted, suddenly getting angry.
Sub-Lieutenant
Nobody saluted the Admiral.
Sub-Lieutenant
Nobody then looked at his Captain sitting quietly on the sofa.
The Captain
indicated with his eyes to Sub-Lieutenant Nobody that he should leave.
Sub-Lieutenant
Nobody turned and started to walk away – but he stopped in his tracks when he heard
the Admiral’s voice.
The Admiral
said to Sub-Lieutenant Nobody: “You are up the shit creek. You better choose
someone good to defend you at the court martial.”
“I already
have, Sir – My Captain will defend me.”
When the
Captain heard these words, tears of pride welled up in his eyes.
For a
Commanding Officer, this was the ultimate “proof of the pudding” – his officers
and men trusted him with their lives.
End of Chapter 1 of
Nobody’s Navy by Vikram Karve
To be continued ...
VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
1. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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