HUMOR
IN UNIFORM
Hilarious Encounters with “fauji” Doctors
“DOC DANEEKAS IN UNIFORM”
HEALTH CARE IN THE DEFENCE SERVICES
Tongue-in-Cheek Military Musings
By
VIKRAM KARVE
Disclaimer:
1. Please read this apocryphal story only if you have a sense of humor. This yarn is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)
“DOC DANEEKAS IN UNIFORM” – Hilarious Encounters with “fauji” Doctors
Apocryphal Stories and Yarns by Vikram Karve
DOC DANEEKA IN THE ARMY MEDICAL CORPS (AMC)
When anyone asks me how life is in the armed
forces (the army, the navy, or, the air force), I tell them to read the famous
World War II Novel “Catch-22” by Joseph Heller.
If you have served in the defence services, in
all probability, you would have read Catch-22, and even if you have not read
it, you would have experienced the essence of Catch-22.
If you are a motivated youngster who intends
joining the army, navy or air force, I suggest you read Catch-22, so that you
will be well prepared for the inimitable characters and unique situations you
will encounter during your military service.
In CATCH-22 there is a character called Doc
Daneeka – a Medical Officer or MO (as military doctors are called).
His style of diagnosis and treatment is
simple.
In fact, Doc Daneeka has succeeded in
elevating medicine to an exact science.
Doc Daneeka fully delegates diagnosis and
treatment to his assistants – two soldiers called “Gus” and “Wes” – who run the
healthcare system in the military unit on their own with so much efficiency that
Doc Daneeka is left with nothing to do, which is fine with him, since he hates
medical practice anyway.
The modus operandi of the healthcare system
is as follows:
All “patients” (who report on sick parade) have
a thermometer shoved into their mouths and have their temperature taken.
1. Those with body temperatures above 102
degrees Fahrenheit are rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.
2. Those having temperatures below 102
degrees Fahrenheit have their gums and throats painted with gentian violet
(throat paint) and are given a dose of laxative to clear their stomachs and
digestive systems.
3. Those who have a temperature of exactly
102 degrees Fahrenheit are told to come after one hour to have their temperature
taken again so that the line of treatment could be decided as follows:
(a) Temperature more than 102 – rushed to
hospital
(b) Temperature less than 102 – throat paint
+ laxative
4. After one hour, if a patient’s temperature
is still 102, he is asked to keep reporting to the clinic every one hour till
his temperature either goes above 102, or comes down below 102, so that he
could be treated accordingly as per option 1 or option 2 above.
I came across many such “Doc Daneeka” style
Doctors in the Military, especially at a place called IAT.
Let me tell you about a few of them.
THE LADY “DOC DANEEKA IN UNIFORM” ARMY MEDICAL OFFICER
A fellow naval officer once took his 3 year
old daughter to the IAT MI Room (Military Inspection Room – that’s what they
call a clinic in the army and air force. In the navy, it is called a “sick
bay”).
The officer’s small daughter had severe loose
motions (diarrhoea).
The moment he entered the lady doctor’s
office she looked up at his face and shouted at him: “Why are you coming here?
How many days SIQ (Sick in Quarters) do you want? Just go to the office, tell
the attendant, and take the SIQ slip.”
The stunned officer told the lady army
medical officer: “Nothing is wrong with me. I don’t want SIQ.”
“Then why have you come here?” the “fauji”
lady doctor asked him.
The naval officer pointed to his daughter and
said, “My daughter has got loose motions.”
The lady army medical officer looked down
from the officer’s face to his tiny daughter holding his hand and standing
below him.
Then, the lady medical officer said, “Loose
motions can be very serious – especially in children. You must take her to the
Military Hospital (MH) immediately. I will call the ambulance and fill up her
hospital admission form. You rush and take her to the Military Hospital.”
Later, at a party, the “fauji” lady doctor
tried to rationalize her actions: “You see, most of the officers here have come
for a training course after a hectic field posting and they want to relax in
this peace tenure, so they mostly come to the MI Room for SIQ.”
However, we noticed that she was running the
healthcare system like clockwork, in a most efficient way that would have done
“Doc Daneeka” proud.
Any officer reporting to the MI Room would be
given 3 days SIQ.
If any officer protested that he was
genuinely ill, he would be rushed to the Military Hospital in an ambulance.
“DOC DANEEKA” STYLE HEATHCARE IN THE ECHS
(EX-SERVICEMEN’S CONTRIBUTORY HEALTH SCHEME)
I have observed another “Doc Daneeka”
technique, used sometimes by the ECHS in its clinics, since it works better for
veteran senior citizen ex-servicemen.
There is a saying: “Time is a great healer”.
The essence of this ECHS technique is to make
the patients wait indefinitely in the crowded waiting room of the clinic and
let “time” do the “healing”.
On reporting, the hapless aged frail unwell
ex-serviceman is made to stand in a long queue and then given a chit.
Then the sick old man is made to wait
indefinitely, for a long time, in a congested jam-packed waiting hall.
Four things can happen while the patient, an
ill and ailing old man, waits at the ECHS clinic:
1. The patient drops dead (in this case no
further treatment is required at the clinic)
2. The patient faints, becomes unconscious,
or goes into a delirium, as he becomes seriously ill (in this case he is rushed
to the nearest Military Hospital)
3. The patient gets fed up of waiting and
goes to the nearest private clinic for treatment for which he has to pay from
his own pocket (the ECHS view is that it is the patient’s personal choice
whether to avail ECHS treatment or to go to a private medical practitioner)
4. The patient actually starts feeling well
during the waiting period – he is cured by the long relaxed wait – after all,
rest is the best cure for many illnesses (and since he has become well, he does
not need any ECHS treatment).
Dear Veteran: Do visit an ECHS clinic and tell us whether you see the “Doc Daneekas” around.
Remember, the cardinal Doc Daneeka Principle is to make patients disappear, and I think the ECHS is trying hard by introducing more and more “hurdles” like increasing red tape and paperwork, introducing hassles like repeated renewal of cards etc trying its best to make patients go away elsewhere.
By the way, it was also a “Doc Daneeka” type masterstroke
by which the Armed Forces abdicated responsibility for post-retirement
healthcare of their own veteran retired ex-servicemen by creating the ECHS and
effectively passing the buck.
“FAUJI” DOCTORS – EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE
There are many excellent doctors and brilliant
specialists in uniform, but most of the professionally outstanding “fauji”
medical officers are posted at VIP Military Hospitals in big stations.
There are many first-rate doctors posted in
smaller units also, but, if you observe carefully, you can spot a few “Doc
Daneekas” too.
I once came across a “Doc Daneeka in Uniform”
child-specialist who hated children – yes, she was unmarried, she had no
experience of handling children, and worse, she hated children.
A “Doc Daneeka in Uniform” specimen of a
different kind, she insisted on proper “paper work” and would not see sick
children unless you had got a “referral” through proper channel.
The result was that due to all these hassles
and delays, hardly any children patients reached her and she was having a
relaxed tenure.
Luckily, we had a Command Medical Officer (a
Surgeon Commodore) who was an exception to the rule – he was certainly not a
Doc Daneeka in Uniform.
The Command Medical Officer (CMO) was himself
a renowned pediatrician, an outstanding child-specialist who loved children.
He opened a Child OPD in his office and we
all used to take our children to him for treatment.
But even this magnanimous act of the CMO had
no effect on the “Doc Daneeka in Uniform” lady child specialist who seemed to
be quite happy at the turn of events since now she had to see almost no
children patients, whom she hated anyway.
DOC DANEEKA IN UNIFORM
To keep you in good humor, let me end with
the story of another “Doc Daneeka in Uniform” I encountered long ago.
I had newly arrived in station, and during my
evening walk, I saw a crowd of young officers and families sitting on the lawns
of our unit medical officer’s house.
“So, Doc is having a party, is it?” I shouted
to them.
“No. We are waiting to see the doctor for
medical treatment,” they said.
I was impressed.
I had thought that our Medical Officer (MO)
was a typical “fauji” Doc Daneeka, but he seemed to be such a good doctor that
patients were coming to his house and he was so sincere that he had started an
evening OPD at home for their convenience.
“That’s great. I did not know that our unit MO
sees patients at home,” I said.
An officer looked at me and said: “We have
not come to see the unit MO – he is useless. We have come to see his wife. She
is an excellent doctor who works in XXX hospital, the best hospital in town. In
the evening, she does her private practice here, and everyone comes to see her
– she charges quite a lot, but she is really good.”
Wish you the Best of Health – may you steer clear of “Doc
Daneekas in Uniform”
VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)
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About Vikram Karve
A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.
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Email: vikramkarve@hotmail.com
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87925
Foodie Book: Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
http://www.flipkart.com/appetite-stroll-vikram-karve/8190690094-gw23f9
About Vikram Karve
A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.
Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramkarve@hotmail.com
Twitter: @vikramwkarve
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
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