HUMOR IN UNIFORM
FRESH WATER TANKY TALES – Part 2
IS HAMAM ME SAB NANGE NAHIN HAIN ( इस हमाम में सब नंगे नहीं हैं )
Hilarious Memories of my Navy Life
By
VIKRAM KARVE
Continued
from HAMAM MEIN SAB NANGE HAIN (Everyone is Naked in the Bathroom)
If you have read HAMAM MEIN SAB NANGE HAIN, you’ll get the drift
because this story pertains to the same ship with the perpetual fresh water
shortage, so read on and have a laugh.
If you haven’t read HAMAM MEIN SAB NANGE HAIN, please click the
url link below and read the story in a new window – and after you have read the
story do remember to come back here and read this “Humor in (and out of)
Uniform”:
IS HAMAM ME SAB NANGE NAHIN HAIN ( इस हमाम में सब नंगे नहीं हैं )
Disclaimer:
1. Please read this apocryphal story only if you have a sense of humor. This yarn is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)
IS HAMAM ME SAB
NANGE NAHIN HAIN – an apocryphal story by VIKRAM KARVE
The best thing about this ship was the
Executive Officer (XO), an aviator with a cheerful temperament and friendly nature,
who never pulled rank and took everyone along – he also happened to be the PMC
– and the result was that, despite the hardships, we had a very happy wardroom,
and this cordial atmosphere percolated to the lower decks as well.
The XO did not demand any special privileges,
he had quite a laissez faire approach
to work, and he would happily join us in the “Is
Haman Mein Sab Nange Hain” combined
bathing sessions.
You may say that I am generalizing, and you
may not agree with me, but in my opinion, aviators make the best XO’s on ships.
On my earlier ship too, it was like a breath
of fresh air when an aviator replaced a most painful nit-picking XO.
Aviators came on board ships for their
“mandatory sea tenure” and then went back to flying. So they wanted a happy
sea-time.
Accordingly, after spending one year on board
our ship, our aviator XO went back to his first love, aviation duties, and the
Captain changed too.
The new XO, a Communicator, was a namby-pamby
wimp, and, like most communicators, he was a smooth-talking pernickety pain in
the arse.
“He is a bloody prick,” said an officer who
had served with the XO on an earlier ship.
“You mean prig?”
“I mean “prick” – P R I C K,” he spelt it
out.
“Okay let’s say he is a priggish prick.”
Soon it was unanimously agreed that the new
XO was a “priggish prick”, but since he was more of a “prick” than a “prig”, everyone
called him “prick”.
The new XO found fault with everything, and
worse, he blamed his predecessor, the well-liked aviator XO, for being too
lenient and spoiling the crew.
A constipated, frustrated “killjoy”, the new
XO tried his best to make life as painful as possible.
Though small in stature, light in weight, and
effeminate in appearance, the new XO feigned a rather amusing spectacle as he tried
to pull rank and throw his weight around trying to demonstrate that he was the
second-in-command of the ship.
This snobbish posturing may have worked
elsewhere, but it cut no ice on this ship which had a hardened crew.
Ever since he had arrived, the XO had started
a running battle with the Flight Commander over OOW and OOD duties.
Though the Flight Commander was a qualified
watchkeeper, by convention, he did not do watchkeeping duties on this ship, and
the other Executive Officers did not seem to mind.
However, the new XO embarked on a holy
crusade to “teach him a lesson” and get the aviators to do watchkeeping duties,
and indeed the new XO wanted to teach everyone a lesson, especially us from the
earlier crew.
Someone said that the XO was an Air Force
grounded cadet, sent to the Navy, and because of this, he hated all pilots,
since he had failed to be one.
One evening, during a longish sailing, feeling
grimy without a bath thanks to the strict water routine due to the perpetual
shortage of water, I was sitting in my cabin finishing some paperwork.
“Want to have a hot water bath?” the Flight
Commander said, peeping into my cabin.
“Hot water bath?” I said, surprised, looking
at the Flight Commander, who looked freshly bathed and smelt of soap.
“Go quickly to the bathroom. The
fresh-water-tanky will be waiting for you with a bucket of hot water. After you
finish your bath, ask him to get another bucket of hot water for Guns – I’ll
tell Guns.”
“You got water with you on the helo or what?”
I asked.
He laughed, and said, “Come on, don’t be
crazy. The hot water bucket was meant for “prick” – I hijacked it.”
“What the bloody hell? “Prick” is bathing in
hot water when others don’t even get a drop of water to drink?”
“After Guns finishes, we’ll tell Senior – I
wonder if he knows what’s happening?”
As usual, there had been a strict water
routine in this sailing too, so who could refuse the offer of a bath – and that
too the luxury of a hot water bath.
So, I rushed to the bathroom.
The fresh-water-tanky was standing by with a
bucket of hot water.
The moment he saw me in a towel, his face
dropped, and the fresh-water-tanky pleaded, “Sir, the water routine is only in
the morning. Sir, this water is meant for the XO. Flight Commander took one
bucket, now you will have a bath?”
“Have you taken permission from Senior
Engineer?” I shouted.
“No, Sir – XO asked me not to tell anyone.”
“From where have you got the hot water?”
“I got it from the galley, Sir.”
“After I finish, go and get one more bucket
for the Gunnery Officer,” I said, “and get one more for the Senior Engineer.”
“Sir, what about the XO – there will be no
water left,” the hapless fresh-water-tanky pleaded.
“The XO can do dry cleaning. Now go and get
water for Guns and Senior.”
The XO was waiting in his cabin for the
fresh-water-tanky to “report readiness” to him.
Then, getting impatient, he walked down to
the officers’ bathroom, properly turned out (in an officer-like manner) wearing
a bath-robe.
He opened the door.
The sight he saw startled him.
Two totally naked hairy scary hulks, Guns and
Senior, were bathing away to glory.
Magnanimously, they invited the XO to join
them.
The XO beat a hasty retreat.
VIKRAM KARVE
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About Vikram Karve
A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse - his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.
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